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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

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Original poster

Should I be worried about how 'girly' my DD is?

74 replies

Crishell · 13/02/2024 14:51

She's only 4, and is the stereotypical 'girly girl'. She loves pink, princesses, 'pretty' dresses, the lot.
The problem I have, and I don't know where she's got this from as I haven't encouraged it, is that she says things like 'pink is for girls', 'i don't like football, that's for boys', things like that. I've tried telling her that girls can play football if they like etc etc but she's absolutely adamant.

Is this just a phase? I support her choices in clothes, activities etc because I can't force her to wear certain colours or whatever but it does concern me that her whole world is being a pretty pink princess...

Thoughts?

OP posts:
RebelliousCow · 13/02/2024 16:21

thedankness · 13/02/2024 15:28

Nothing wrong with being a pretty pink princess in and of itself, it's no more vacuous than an obsession with a spherical bit of plastic filled with air. I don't think we should denigrate stereotypically "girly" interests while holding male ones in higher esteem just because they are male. It's about the context.

For example, an interest in princesses could be used to develop her imagination and story-telling by envisaging a fantasy world in which she is the main character. She could go on adventures with dragons or design her own castle all in a sparkly dress. The problem is that Disney feeds her a caricature of a princess whose primary qualities are good looks and kindness, and whose life revolves around meeting Prince Charming. Passive, objectifying and male-centred.

That's a long-winded way of saying that alongside reinforcing that there are no "boy" and "girl" activities, you can work with her "feminine" interests to bring out the positive in them. Anything that promotes agency and doesn't put men on a pedestal.

I agree about Disney. For me it is responsible for so many regressive stereotypes - even the archetypal powerful princesses are excessively sweet and girly.

Also agree that girl 'things' and assocations are no worse or better than boy 'things'. I always tried to steer well clear of the pink, though. You can have princess outfits in more vibrant colours.

Scootboot · 13/02/2024 16:25

We just said to my dd that princess wasn't a proper job and yes she could be one but she would need to train as an astro physicist or similar to be a real princess.

Elderado · 13/02/2024 16:27

Mine was the same until about 8 or 9. Everything was so stereotypical- she wouldn’t have it any other way. She grew into a teenager who went out with another girl for 2 years before meeting the current boyfriend at uni. They do grow out of it. Just don’t make a big thing of it.

Spinet · 13/02/2024 16:30

Don't worry about it, but you don't have to accept it either. I mean she should wear what she wants obviously, but you can gently challenge her about what people in general do by asking her questions. Like, 'what would you say if a girl wanted to play football?' 'why can't boys wear pink? who says?'

Agree also with talking about actions rather than appearances. Sure, cinderella can wear a nice pink dress. She can also climb a tree in the dress if she wants.

PrincessOfPreschool · 13/02/2024 16:32

NonnyMouse1337 · 13/02/2024 15:59

I've had plenty of parents tell me how they do their best to provide their sons and daughters with a balanced approach to toys and clothing - they make sure not to inadvertently push stereotypes onto them etc... and their kids still gravitate towards the whole blue for boys, pink and princesses for girls thing.

I don't think it's healthy for adults to be overly critical about what young children like - in my view, it's just as bad making a big deal about a girl liking princess stuff as it is about making a big deal if she doesn't like it. Kids pick up on the feeling that they might be 'bad' in some way for the things they like or don't like.

Lead by example, show them they have choices and can freely change their preferences if they wish and let them figure out for themselves what they like. Seems plenty of children grow out of these rigid ideas as they mature and meet people different from them.

This is brilliant advice. What I was trying to say!

RebelliousCow · 13/02/2024 16:40

Spinet · 13/02/2024 16:30

Don't worry about it, but you don't have to accept it either. I mean she should wear what she wants obviously, but you can gently challenge her about what people in general do by asking her questions. Like, 'what would you say if a girl wanted to play football?' 'why can't boys wear pink? who says?'

Agree also with talking about actions rather than appearances. Sure, cinderella can wear a nice pink dress. She can also climb a tree in the dress if she wants.

Have to say my children and now my granddaughter didn't get to choose their own clothes so young ( 4 yrs old). It is only now, just as she is about to turn 9 that my granddaughter has said she now wants to always be there when her clothes are bought.

Her recent first 'choose her own outfit' trip ended up with cargo pants, a pair of DMs, and a T shirt from the boys section ( Boys T-shirts tend to have more interesting logos and motifs, and are also cheaper).

I tend to notice that when little girls are wearing pretty dresses and shoes their mothers are often admonishing them not to get them dirty - let alone climb a tree in them.

TeaGinandFags · 13/02/2024 16:52

As has been said she's trying to make sense of tbe world and is creating rules. Challenge her (gently). Say things like says who and why? (She'll pay you back with interest when she's older.)

There will be many such phases. It is why god created chocolate covered prozac.

ErrolTheDragon · 13/02/2024 17:43

I tend to notice that when little girls are wearing pretty dresses and shoes their mothers are often admonishing them not to get them dirty - let alone climb a tree in them.

I can date exactly when my dd went off pink (especially pale) - it was after climbing the Yorkshire 3 peaks over a couple of weekends just before she turned 7. Definitely allowed to get her clothes dirty but that mud was there to stay!Grin

StaunchMomma · 13/02/2024 17:48

Sometimes it just happens naturally with zero intervention.

My DS was so anti girl things that he refused to even walk down the 'girl's' aisles in ToysRUs. He used to go all 'eeuuuuurrrghhh' and run past them, even when he was tiny.

He's an only child who was home with Mum as a little one. We never pushed cars or football etc.

The only thing he ever liked that was vaguely not stereotypical boy things was Skye from Paw Patrol.

I have a gay StepSis who is insistent that I must have done something to encourage it but I honestly didn't. He just liked what he liked.

JaninaDuszejko · 13/02/2024 18:22

I just told my DDs that being a real princess was really boring and involved always wearing your best clothes that you couldn't get dirty and having to be on your best behaviour all the time.

I also didn't buy them pink clothes (other people did, they weren't banned), didn't buy pink toys (but did buy positive toys like toy kitchens and train sets and dolls and dinosaurs), encouraged physical activity (football keeps you fit), and read lots of books about girls who weren't princesses. The women and men in their lives all constantly broke gender stereotypes which helped, so e.g. they had a father who works PT and a mother who is a scientist. If they said something was just for boys or girls I gave them evidence that wasn't true. Their nursery was great, school not so much.

LakeTiticaca · 13/02/2024 18:28

Shock horror!! Little girl likes girly stuff. What's wrong with that? Would you be the same with a little boys, trying to force him to like girly stuff?
They are children. Leave them be.
They will work it out for themselves

Octavia64 · 13/02/2024 18:29

My DD was like this at 4, she got it from playgroup.

She grew out of it soon enough.

She now studies physics at uni, and very rarely wears pink.

vincettenoir · 13/02/2024 18:31

I can understand why you don't like this. But I guess all you can do is to try and counter the messaging she's getting elsewhere.

VampireWeekday · 13/02/2024 19:52

The clothes and pink obsession I'd let go, but I would correct her on actual mistakes. Have the women's football on the tv and point it out to her, things like that.

Echobelly · 13/02/2024 19:56

Yeah, it'll be a phase. There is nothing wrong with pink and girly as long as it's not they're not developing an idea that pink and girly is all that they are 'allowed', and even if they have a phase of thinking anything but pink and girly is forbidden they should grow out of that as well.

As others have said, just show her there are possibilities - we got given a lot of stuff for our oldest and I never banned pink, just balanced it out with other stuff. They had a very brief 'pink' phase aged 4 or 5 but they've identified as non-binary for the last 2 years now so you never know 😉

PrincessOfPreschool · 13/02/2024 21:49

In terms of choosing clothes for them, I guess it depends on the child. My DD was super stubborn and very opinionated on what she wanted to wear from younger than 3. It was a hill I wasn't willing to die on so she basically chose what she was going to wear. I bought her pink stuff sometimes because it was her favourite, or twirly dresses (her other favourite as she loves dancing). I remember her favourite Christmas present one year was some really ugly clip-on dangly gold earrings (not from me!).

Anyway, my point being that clothing is really not something to make a big deal out of. Let them use it to express their personality but if they're not bothered about it, then you can dress them in what you want.

Original poster
Crishell · 14/02/2024 00:25

Thanks all.

Regarding choosing clothes, I've bought some lovely things for her which she simply refuses to wear.
It's easier to just let her choose nowadays. It's a battle I'm willing to lose during the morning rush.

She doesn't however, choose other things like what she eats for dinner or breakfast.

OP posts:
TenaciousElephant · 14/02/2024 00:53

My 4 year old is like this too, it's the influence of preschool. Not just the children but some of the staff who like to wear a full face of make up to work.

A year ago she loved wearing dinosaur and neutral clothes...now it's all pink, unicorns and sodding princesses.

I try not to make a big deal of it and encourage her to still express her own sense of style. I try to model to her wearing practical, comfortable clothing and being happy bare faced.

ThePure · 14/02/2024 01:39

Don't worry they grow out of it
DD was just like that aged 4: everything pink and Disney Princesses

Aged 16 she favours DMs, combats, ugly (to my eyes) chunky chains and tank tops or oversized band/ movie T shirts. She looks like the 5th member of All Saints or Lara Croft most of the time

Honestly sometimes I yearn for the return of pink satin.

ThePure · 14/02/2024 01:42

Some things stay the same. She still takes hours to get ready with various outfits changes and she still hates me to tell her what to wear!

Nottodaty · 14/02/2024 01:48

My 2nd daughter I used to joke was born with pink glitter. She was a little girl who loved princess and dress up, in a cupboard full of practical clothes she would want to wear dresses and skirts!

My older daughter was the exact opposite she would be upset if she had to wear a dress at a younger age.

For either child growing up we’ve never boxed them , they had access both to princess dresses to doctors to builders dress up. Cars, trains, dolls to Lego ( which they both still love even now they 20 & 14 !)

More importantly my husband and I share the household roles - their Dad has picked them up, cooks dinner just as much as I paint the fence and cut the grass. They’ve seen me progress in my role as they have seen their Dad.

I love sports so I’m usually watching the sport while my husband cooks! So both girls now they older just assumes that anyone can enjoy sports.

It can change my oldest now gets her hair done and nails, will wear dresses! And is currently writing her dissertation around gender roles.

And the pink glitter one is 14 and still finding her way. And now is less dramatic about wearing pink dresses :) lives in joggers.

Josette77 · 14/02/2024 01:56

I was a pink princess girly girl and still am..I don't see the problem with it?

Tatonka · 14/02/2024 01:56

Veronicaisaflower · 13/02/2024 14:53

She is growing up in a massively gendered society, in which grown adults will kick up a fuss if shops start selling unisex children's clothes. You're fighting a losing battle. The UK is incredibly backwards when it comes to gender equality.

Yep, there can only be boys and girls and nothing in between. Children are socialised into these genders before birth, think pink and blue even for newborn items, it's ridiculous and depressing

Doingmybest12 · 14/02/2024 02:00

If you can't have a fluffy, sparkly world at 4 it's a bit sad. However the messages about things that are boys or girls interests need to be counter balanced by what you show her . There is an absolute torrent of outside influence about to come your way. But I really don't like the beginnings of the subscription to 'girly' things being seen as shallow and weak .