My 18 year old says they are trans

[Chillichok]

2 days ago, my 18 year old daughter told me that she is actually a man. They have paid for an online assessment of gender dysphoria which is taking place today, and apparently an officially accepted document of diagnosis.

I am surprised because she has more interest in traditionally female things than I do! I gave her opportunities to try traditionally male things like football as a child but she cried when someone kicked a ball at her! She loved ballet and floaty dresses and make up!

More recently, she had a 2 year sexual relationship with a very heterosexual boy when in 6th form and had to have a coil fitted after a pregnancy scare!

Now, suddenly, she's a man and it's not a fad because she is paying big money to make it happen. She's looking into private top surgery and applying for jobs so she can pay for it!

Has this happened to anyone else? I thought that trans people usually show how different they are from their assigned at birth gender...it's obvious, surely?

Is she a fujoshi? Is she obsessed with manga that has gay relationships and gay porn? A lot of fujoshis these days brainwash themselves into thinking they are a "gay man". If she is you might need to remind her that BL manga is made by women for women. No gay man is into that stuff.

Also please stop her from taking T and getting a double mastectomy. She will regret it in a few years and have a lot of health issues with it.

Maybe tell her you will pay for her transition but she needs to be in therapy every week for 2 years. Find a therapist who gender critical.

She's studying Geography so there's a good mix of both men and women. She has lots of male friends and she has never been intimidated by the boys at school or by her moodymale boss when she worked during sixth form, nor by her boyfriend, who wasn't exactly sexist but he did tease her in a belittling way sometimes.....and she ended the relationship!

No she doesn't like Manga. I can't stop her from doing anything but I can refuse to fund it. I think that she just hates herself and I've offered to pay for counselling but she is currently fobbing me off with that.

Do check in with her about sexual violence. It's not out of the ordinary for a girl to have a non-consensual sexual experience within a relationship.

In my view, Rapid Onset Gender Dysphoria is like anorexia. It's a condition within itself but more importantly it is a symptom of an underlying issue - an underlying unhappiness, fear or despair. Please talk to your daughter and try to find out what that underlying issue is.

The most important thing you can do is LISTEN TO HER.

Not use this as an opportunity to charge all over her, lecture her, fight her or even force her to question her beliefs.

First stop: LISTEN. Not listen waiting your turn to talk.

LISTEN.

Let her know you are her safe space to really talk about everything she is feeling.

You can then go away, ponder if and work out how to then best guide and support her and encourage her into some counselling before she does anything drastic.

Further-along trans coach newbies on what to say to get the treatment. Saying they are suicidal is a biggie. Sorry you are going through this, OP.

Please make sure that she has the full facts about taking testosterone before she starts if it gets to it. Some of the changes happen quite fast and are irreversible if she changes her mind, they are also very obvious changes, like deepening of the voice and body and facial hair growth.

Don't be stupid.

I'd be asking what her game plan is. When will she consider herself to have successfully transitioned?

When she's changed her name, and other people are using it?

When she's dictated her pronouns, and other people are using them?

When she can walk into facilities for the opposite sex and not be questioned?

When she's taking testosterone, her voice breaks forever, and her body changes shape?

When she's removed her breasts, and can walk around topless but is dealing with scars, numbness and pain?

When she's had a full hysterectomy, stopping her periods forever, but removing her fertility and risking long term issues such as osteoporosis and prolapse?

When she's had a phalloplasty, had skin removed from her arm/leg and grafted onto her groin? She might be able to stand up to pee, if she can pee at all, or she might just be incontinent.

When a heterosexual woman chooses her as a life partner?

I'd be asking whether she really want to spend so much money on experimental medical treatments that will damage her healthy body forever.

And if her measure of success in any way requires other people (particularly strangers) to act or react in a specific manner then she is never going to succeed. You cannot predict or force how other humans behave!

Hi @Chillichok I'm sorry you are experiencing this. I have had this with my DS, completely out of the blue. I think we are out the other side, but am still hypervigilant. Maybe some of my experience can help.

Keep communicating, even if she isn't communicating back.
You know your child best, so consider what appeals to her. If she is very 'sciencey' for example share the hard facts on the damage that medicating & surgery can do.
If you are GC and she knows this, emphasise that you would feel the same about any apparently quick decision to undertake a life changing process. I found talking about how quickly the online 'experts' prescribed (in my DS's case) and whether that really seemed ethical. I drew the comparison with weight loss surgery and said "if you had a friend who had a couple of quick consultations and they were offered weight loss drugs or surgery without anyone looking at any other aspects of their life, would you think that was wise?"
Offer support for proper, long term counselling. Something like "If this is what you really want, then waiting won't do any harm, so why not take the time to find out what else is going on" Genspect can help finding non affirming counselling. You should contact them anyway as you will benefit from their support.

Good luck x

The Bayswater support group have been a useful place for me - it's free to join - https://www.bayswatersupport.org.uk/ lots of people going through similar things to you

May I ask what happened with the pregnancy OP? It sounds like this may be a reflex action to some trauma around being a woman, there will be a root of it.

That's such a sad read

The fact that your son has just told you doesn't mean has hasn't known for a long time, especially if you are gender critical.

You've confused gender expression with gender identity - being male doesn't mean you have to do male things.

The NHS do not provide testosterone and mastectomies on a whim - there is a very long and rigorous program of therapy, discussion and counselling first. Doctors are very clear about the risks of surgery and hormones - in fact, the regret rate for gender confirming surgery is one of the lowest of any surgical procedures.

However, I'd be wary of private doctors who do not insist on therapy and counselling first.

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC8099405/

@DadJoke it's her daughter! You can't change sex so she will always be her daughter as she is female

The OP is discussing her daughter, a female. She has made this very clear.

Blah blah blah. You DAUGHTER needs you now. Yet here is someone who knows neither of you talking about your SON. Do not go through the looking-glass.

Her son has come out as trans and I respect transgender peoples' pronouns. This, and the post above, is the end of my contribution to this thread.

@SwordToFlamethrower It's obviously quite an inflammatory and sweeping statement to say you don't have a diagnosis if you pay for it, and of course there are many legitimate exceptions with many diseases. There is a bit of a grey area though where diagnosis relies more on interpretation and can fit a wide range of criteria, particularly if the method is a bit 'alternative'.

So wouldn't be surprised if people are taking a paid for online test for gender dysphoria and getting told they indeed have it. They tell friends/people online about the company they used for their 'diagnosis' and it's more revenue for the company. Would that same number of people get the same diagnosis from a proper clinical investigation with no skin in the game? I doubt it. Same with all sorts of dubious 'allergy/intolerance tests you can send of samples or whatever for. Many of them ultimately have a financial incentive to say more people have 'something'. Knowing teachers in state and private sectors there seems to be somewhat more children in private who have a diagnosis of dyslexia or similar. More sharp-elbowed middle-class parents paying for private tests. If little Jonny gets extra time in his exams as he was diagnosed by Dr X then word gets around and more and more people end up paying Dr X for the same.

Of course not all are meaningless by any means, and it's not helped at all by difficulty in accessing NHS testing for a lot of conditions, but I don't think the same standards are necessarily applied either side of the fence.

Good.

My daughter is refusing to contact her GP. She is anti NHS because she has been told that there will be a 10 year wait and she can't get a mastectomy on the NHS...neither of which seems to be true

So, she's up has contacted a private clinic without any input from me and is already paying for it herself, despite being a student.

I don't know how she will find the '7 to 12 thousand pounds' that she has been quoted for her mastectomy, but she is intent on doing this

Thanks for all of you who have taken the time to give me advice. Very much appreciated

I have advised my daughter to take her time, signposted her to where she can get professional counselling, and told her that she definitely needs to talk it through at length with a counsellor. She hasn't replied as yet

Not certain what else I can do atm!

How worrying for your OP, sorry you're facing this.

I agree with a PP that this situation has parallels with anorexia in terms of it being a manifestation of other problems.

This is a really good resource that gives information about the myriad of issues that are at the root of a child or young adult claiming they are trans :Trans Identity: The Tip of the Iceberg? – Bayswater Support

One way of looking at things if your daughter has a diagnosis of gender dysphoria is whether transitioning is the best or right treatment for this condition.

Using the anorexia analogy again, this would be like encouraging someone with anorexia to restrict their eating and/or lose weight rather than getting to the root of why they wish to change and treat their body in that way.

Do have a good look around the Bayswater Support Group site.

A positive thought: I think all private clinics will want to write to her GP, and she will likely not get far if she refuses to let them (they’ll want to send a report of her appointment to the GP). That’s likely to make them think she’s not ready for medical interventions, and needs counselling. Even if she was able to find someone unscrupulous, not telling her GP would be unsustainable beyond very short term.

Her son has come out as trans and I respect transgender peoples' pronouns. This, and the post above, is the end of my contribution to this thread.

This is a support thread for her mother, not your soapbox.