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Original poster

So ... my client posted a violent fantasy about me!

65 replies

HeidiInTheBigCity · 18/09/2023 21:42

Posted in F&WR in the hopes of an audience who gets what my issue is and can offer advice!

So ... client [insert function; I shall call him X] hates me! This is not all that out of the norm insofar as X seems to hate vendors in general. Not great but also no big deal.

X also seems to dislike me in particular. And - to quote my white, cishet [I know this isn't the lingo around here - using it to reinforce my point] male colleague: "it's just insanely obvious how much more vicious he is in reaction to you compared to any man who has dared to make equally obvious statements!" [specifically, I declined to entertain his demands on the grounds that it would have lost my firm money - and I said so!]. Still: unfortunate, but it happens!

Here's what has freaked me out: a [female] colleague of X's privately pinged me a link to what I can only describe as a violent, hate-fuelled online post filled with gruesome detail about the abuse of [supposedly fictional woman whose name is not quite mine but very eerily similar] saying "you do realise that's X and it's about you?! I'm disgusted!".

The claim is credible. But, at the same time, it's just "anonymous creep on the internet". It's also really disturbing. It makes me feel afraid of X. But dealing with X - even though I know that he hates me - is part of my job.

WWYD?

OP posts:
PatatiPatatras · 18/09/2023 21:47

One for HR.

but if you knew what most people had in their heads about you, you wouldn't leave the house.

Report to HR and forget about it.

Not sure what calling your colleague "white cishet male" had to do with it. Would the impact to you change if he was black, gay or female? ??

Original poster
HeidiInTheBigCity · 18/09/2023 21:50

Not as such - but I felt it was potentially relevant that the "he hates me, in particular" situation is apparently so obvious that "colleague with no claims to diversity factors whatsoever" picked up and remarked upon it - specifically putting it down to violent misogyny.

Not sure what HR can do. He's not a colleague, he's a client (also: HR is a toothless tiger; mostly junior and only really useful for admin ... I outrank my HR rep by several levels).

OP posts:
donquixotedelamancha · 18/09/2023 21:51

It's not part of your job. Show the email and the post to HR. Tell them about his comments. I would expect them to drop him as a client but, at the very least, you shouldn't be dealing with him.

Wildhorses2244 · 18/09/2023 21:53

I think that this is one of the few times that you need to take the whole thing and dump it on your manager. My expectation would be that he’d swap you and someone else so that they deal with x instead of you, and you deal with their client.

Original poster
HeidiInTheBigCity · 18/09/2023 22:01

Unfortunately for me I ... AM the manager! As in: I run the entire account!

X is, comparatively speaking, quite junior in comparison with myself. Just "one of many client contacts" and, owing to his position, one I occasionally have to deal with.

I'm in half a mind to just ask senior leaders to please re-assign me to a different client. I have occasional physical 1-1s with X as part of my job, and I genuinely feel vaguely threatened to be alone in a room with someone who - sorry if TMI - appears to fantasise about me being raped and dismembered. I'm not being paid enough for this!

... but, on the other hand: men don't lose their lead roles over stuff like that, and it bothers me!

OP posts:
Ereshkigalangcleg · 18/09/2023 22:05

I honestly don't think you need a man forget the "cishet" bollocks to define violent misogyny. What if he'd brushed it off? Other than that, it's a pretty horrifying situation to be put in, I sympathise. I agree you should have a quiet word with senior staff.

Malificent1 · 18/09/2023 22:05

Tell his managers. Send them a copy of what he wrote. And ask your managers for another client.

Ereshkigalangcleg · 18/09/2023 22:09

Also, his female colleague knows he has violent fantasies about you. How does she know? I'd be asking a lot of questions.

RedHelenB · 18/09/2023 22:09

Malificent1 · 18/09/2023 22:05

Tell his managers. Send them a copy of what he wrote. And ask your managers for another client.

This. His workplace should know

Spotnessmonster · 18/09/2023 22:09

I agree that I'd approach his workplace and request a alternative contact explaining why. Prior to that inform your HR this is happening.

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 18/09/2023 22:09

Is there anything that actually proves it is him? How do you know it is him?

Zampa · 18/09/2023 22:11

Your employer are as exposed by this client's behaviour towards you as they would be if a colleague behaved in the same way.

They should be raising it with X's employer, protecting you and at the extreme not working with X's company.

Spotnessmonster · 18/09/2023 22:11

I'd also make a point of not disclosing that it was his colleague who forwarded it to you. Keep her confidence out of gratitude for her letting you know.

donquixotedelamancha · 18/09/2023 22:12

I felt it was potentially relevant that the "he hates me, in particular" situation is apparently so obvious that "colleague with no claims to diversity factors whatsoever" picked up and remarked upon it.

You clearly have a very intimate knowledge of that colleague's personal circumstances.

StBrides · 18/09/2023 22:12

Police

donquixotedelamancha · 18/09/2023 22:15

Malificent1 · 18/09/2023 22:05

Tell his managers. Send them a copy of what he wrote. And ask your managers for another client.

Since you are the account manager and he is replaceable, do this.

Speak to your line management first.

BlessedKali · 18/09/2023 22:21

Sorry to hear this. It's absolutely terrible. Fucking men.

I would definitely ask his colleague how she knows - if there is anything that makes it certain I would report it to the police. I would then inform his work you have reported it to the police.

weirdoboelady · 18/09/2023 22:23

If your HR are professionally qualified, they have professional responsibilities. So even if the HR person is very junior to you, they will have resources to consult and standards to uphold. I would go to them and ask them to take professional advice about what both they and you should do.

yousexybugger · 18/09/2023 22:24

Contact first your line management, suggesting a plan to contact his. Show them the 'story' pointing out similarities in his writing plus any real life events (dates and times) and stressing that whatever happens, you no longer wish to have contact with this man.

Depends on content but could it be of interest to the police? He's clearly identifiable, you are identifiable and it describes violent intent.

MissLucyEyelesbarrow · 18/09/2023 22:25

BlessedKali · 18/09/2023 22:21

Sorry to hear this. It's absolutely terrible. Fucking men.

I would definitely ask his colleague how she knows - if there is anything that makes it certain I would report it to the police. I would then inform his work you have reported it to the police.

Sadly, I doubt the police will be interested. The creepy shit has not actually made any threats to the OP, or shared the post with her himself, to suggest an indirect threat.

We deal with scenarios like this a fair bit at my work (medical) and the police usually cannot help unless there is a direct threat.

BlessedKali · 18/09/2023 22:27

i think also, regardless of whether he did or didnt make the fantasy, you need to report it to someone in work. The whole thing is weird, even if his colleague is wrong, to be sent that by staff of their company implying that it is about you. How could you continue to work with them.

OP, what advice are you seeking from us? on how to deal with this in work, or general safety advice?

BlessedKali · 18/09/2023 22:28

MissLucyEyelesbarrow · 18/09/2023 22:25

Sadly, I doubt the police will be interested. The creepy shit has not actually made any threats to the OP, or shared the post with her himself, to suggest an indirect threat.

We deal with scenarios like this a fair bit at my work (medical) and the police usually cannot help unless there is a direct threat.

Show quote history

do they record it?

WorkingItOutAsIGo · 18/09/2023 22:29

Ok, so as a woman who has been a senior manager and with client responsibilities this is what I would do. Contacts the head of HR at his firm, not yours. Explain that it looks to outsiders that their relatively junior employee is posting this crap about you, a business partner. You expect them to investigate and confirm to you that either it wasn’t him, or it was and they have reassigned him, preferably to the unemployment line.

Original poster
HeidiInTheBigCity · 18/09/2023 22:30

@Spotnessmonster, I would never expose that colleague of his.

There's a reason I believe her (won't go into it here or elsewhere to avoid just that - but: we have a personal connection).

There's also the fact that it doesn't exactly take a brain surgeon to work out the parallels in the post:

Fictionalised version, but think along the lines of ...

IRL, my name is Eleanor [it isn't], and I told X we weren't going to be in a position to offer A service for B price because it would have been a loss maker.

In the anonymous online post, "Ellie" is a conniving, cold-hearted psychopath who deliberately demands an over-the-top price for [basically A service] to humiliate the poor protagonist. He, consumed by righteous anger, waited for her to leave her office after dark and violently rapes, murders and dismembers her.

I can't prove any of it - even less so without exposing the person who tipped me off - but: there's just no way it's not him!

I technically agree with "get senior leadership on board and inform his employer" - but: how on earth does one write a "yeah, hi, client C-level, ... so ... our firm takes issue with your firm's employee posting violent fantasies about ours online, and we demand rectification" email?

This is just ... scary and bizarre!

OP posts:
Irridescantshimmmer · 18/09/2023 22:33

What if the lines between the truth and fantasy are merged for x.

How would you know you are safe? Is it a risk worth taking?

I think as a last resort, at the very minimum, if you have a 1 - 1 with this strange character you need someone with you not just for protection but as a witness.

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