Struggling to support JK Rowling…

[NitroNine]

…because what sort of actual monster wants coffee [& walnut] cake for their birthday cake?

She even boasted about this [book-themed] bakery beastliness on Twitter.

It was surprise!cake, but clearly not in a Cake Roulette sort of surprise!cake way. Am shaken to my very core & clearing my diary for mad angry crying & performative packing-up of Potterphenalia.

I’m just not sure how to cope with this disturbance to the magical world. I mean, coffee cake. <shakes head sadly>

However, while I consider my position, I’m willing to be gracious & offer JKR birthday wishes as well as Superior Cake. It’s not as if people just have varying tastes & opinions or anything, after all, right? Oh & happy birthday to Harry Potter, too, who obviously doesn’t need to attend the cake reeducation course, because of course he agrees with me.

(Little late - courtesy of internet issues - & indeed little/lot silly. Not inspired by any specific individual, but rather the reflection even now, as support for JKR is trending there are people throwing wobblies because she is a real person with thoughts & feelings & opinions she expresses. And she doesn’t respond to demands/threats/tantrums so people make ridiculous claims about what the characters she wrote [would] think…)

Dear A Scott

Thank you for your application. I shall give it my fullest consideration.

When I receive confirmation of my win, I will contact you again with a view to possibly progressing the onboarding process.

As a first step, could you tell me how you would handle working with European hamsters? Cute AF but very bitey and will happily fight a large dog or small adult human.

Yours etc.
Chers F Face

Dear Chers

I can wrestle a hamster with one arm tied behind my back. Those furry buggers don't scare me one bit.

I am wary of ferrets, however.

Yours

A Scott

@IcakethereforeIam thank you for the emergency quokka and @AlisonDonut merci for the reassuring news about the colour of the neighbourhood écureuils.

I feel much better now.

Dear Chers

May I suggest a salt water lake for the convenience of sea otters to link their little arms together and lie on their backs holding food in their cute little pawsies?

Yours in anticipated appreciation of your work
B Black

Badgers? American and European.

but not honey

despite the name those are some nasty badgers

And maybe some cute invertebrates.

Agree about honey badgers.

You know if JKR ever stumbles upon this thread it's just going to confirm to her the fact that we are all raving bonkers!

I'm afraid the mustelids will need their own separate park. Preferably many miles away and with excellent security.

So no need for me to be concerned about the safety of my collection or for Cute Animal Keeper Scott to worry about ferrets.

Ì GOT THE JOB!!!

I was going to say id take the ermines in honour of the pub I spent many many hours in way back in the day, but having just looked its been renamed after the brook that swallowed my sister's flip flops in 1975 so I withdraw my offer.

You do realise it's in addition to your thread poster job here don't you? You can't just leave us to go stroke furry things

Never fear, I'm dealing with the ferrets, with my trusty group of Archers listeners.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/radio_addicts/4862271-archers-thread-151-a-fete-worse-than-death-or-a-reverse-ferret-helens-got-the-borsetshire-blues-toms-talking-shiitake-george-is-a-rotten-apple-discuss-the-archers-here?reply=128113743

Said the bishop to the actress.

Keeper Scott, would you like to be in charge of the Scottish water vole breeding programme? FYI they often have darker fur than their Southern cousins, often black.

SIRYESSIR

Sorry:

CHERYESCHER

Yes, you are absolutely spot on there @Boiledbeetle the title was misleading, wasn't it? By the time i realised what the true content of the thread was, it was too late to look away.
I've cried buckets today - every time the thought of this thread pops into mind, the tears start all over again. I've never been so traumatised.
I'm going to screen shot the OP's and your post, as well as @IcakethereforeIam's post too, though bearing in my mind that her name contains that 4 letter word, i'm traumatised all over again but i will need the screen shots to hand to a solicitor, in case the OP has the thread removed.
😥😥😥

" IcakethereforeIam

Oh Epic! 😲 I hope it's just temporary
You definitely should sue.

Many apologies for having to split my replies over two posts, for some reason, after i added emotes to the last post, it wouldn't respond to key strokes.
Anyhoo, thank you for your kind words, i shall be suing and have taken the liberty of taking a screen shot of your post to pass on along with Beetles post.
Thank you both, for your very kind support at this very sad time.
Thank you also for the pic of the emergency quokka and other furry friends, i found them very helpful, along with my support teddy and colouring book.

Sadly, no, as far as i know, it's a permanent thing. My sugar intake has to be strictly measured. I am allowed some but preferably as little possible, with an absolute maximum of 25 grams per day. A slice of proper cake would just be too much, i'm very sorry to say.
My calorie count is supposed to be about 2000 per day but luckily for me, i'm nowhere near being overweight, so i have a bit of leeway with that. My blood pressure has to be done twice daily and my 'steps ' all have to be counted, noted and reported.
Oh what fun!
However, on the bright side, i have found some sugar free dark choccy digestives and some low calorie, low sugar cakes but they're not the same.
Still it could be worse but for the purposes of suing the OP, nothing on this earth could ever be any worse than being banned from a nice big slab of full sugar cake!
I'm relying on you ladies of the board, to eat a slice for me at every occasion. Many thanks in advance. xxx

But the icing is the best bit! When my Mum was dieting, she used to cut off the iced part of her piece of coffee cake and give it to me. My sister did the same because icing gave her nasty tingles in her teeth. Happy days!

I'm relying on you ladies of the board, to eat a slice for me at every occasion. Many thanks in advance. xxx

@EpicChaos The nice ladies of the board very courageously and with no thought to their hips took one for the team and ate my share of Tunnocks for me every time they had one of their own for three days.

It was so stunning and brave of them that I feel compelled to pay it forward.

Name your poison and I will eat it for you.

(Unless it's lemon drizzle cake then you'll have to ask someone else! I have standards!)

https://twitter.com/ThebestFigen/status/1686752022635159552?s=19

Apologies for the Twitter link only. HP amazing biscuits being made

Sorry, Epic I tried starring out the word in my name, but it....well...it just looked rude

In order to try to atone, I'm happy to gobble up the lemon drizzle that @Boiledbeetle can't eat. A sacrifice I'm gagging willing to make.

@Boiledbeetle those biccies. Some people are so talented.

Amazing biscuits. I am a reasonably cook and baker from the point of view of taste, but I can't make things look fancy (cackhanded). I can only imagine what a dreadful mess I'd make if I attempted anything like that!