How does this place view single and celibate women

[IsThereAnEchoInHere]

I was reading the comments on other thread (I have a point, so not a TAAT) about the asexual person.
And I’ve also been lurking on Ovarit (I can’t register there) and they also have, just like comments here about asexuality, very disparaging things to say.

So I was wondering does that extent to women who do not have sex? Maybe ever, even once?
Or is the problem just that you don’t like people calling themselves or being asexuals?

And once I’m here.
There’s been lot of talking about virginity being a social construct and shouldn’t matter, but IRL a self-proclaimed feminist (and happens in other situations too) bullied a person who was a virgin. Why was that seen as an okey thing to do?

None of that applies to asexuality though.

Well spinster and frigid at least have been around forever.
I seriously doubt people have changed that much and that there has always being shaming of women who didn’t want and/or have sex, or perform wifely-duties. Or were single.
Not to mention marital rape is still legal in many places and countries that made it illegal it happened in the 90’s.

Take everything to the extreme why don't you? There is quite a difference between keeping your sexuality a secret and shouting it from the rooftops.

And what is exactly ’shouting from the rooftops’?

A co-worker of mine is pregnant tight now and makes comments about it pretty much daily, I don’t care about kids, I find her annoying and attention seeker.
Should I tell her to stop shouting about her sex life, or the aftermath of it?

Why not, if it bothers you that much?

Oh for goddess' sake get a life. Most women want and have children; it's the norm. And they talk about it a lot, like Christmas. It's popular!

Stop whining and trying to get majority validation for your choices. It's tiresome.

Or you could just roll your eyes and ignore it. The same way i do to anyone over-sharing their sex life or 'special identity'.
Honestly, lifes too short to be bothered with it all.
Ignore, get on with your own thing and live your own life without seeking external validation...you'll be much happier.

There have always been people who don't have sex, for one reason or another.

Many people have long periods of time when they are not sexually active, as well. In fact, I think that a lot of people really underestimate how very common that is.

The problem of finding close relationships when you aren't interested in a sexual connection is real, but I think in part its about a wider social change. It's not just single people who have a hard time finding really intimate friendships - it's also people who have partners. So many people now really only have their sexual partner, who of course can't fulfill every need for friendship in most cases.

Loneliness is at an all time high across the west.

As for people realizing they feel different. Yes. This happens to all kinds of people, they recognize that in some way they are unusual, and most people around them don't quite get what makes them tick, or maybe they do, but don't feel similarly themselves.

The remedy for that is to become mature and realize, that's ok. We are all different, and in some ways, our experiences are unique. No one expects everyone to have the same way of thinking and feeling - or if they do, they are to be ignored and not taken seriously.

I barely care what I get up to sexually, never mind what other consenting adults do or don’t do in private. I’ve been happily celibate at points in my life, but would never call myself “asexual”, which to me denotes a complete lack of sexual attraction towards anyone or anything.

I’ve never met anyone who is (or who calls themself) asexual, to my knowledge. Obviously I don’t know everything about everyone I’ve met, but my experience would suggest genuine asexuality is very rare, at least in the sense I've described.

Someone talking about their pregnancy is not ‘shouting about their sex live’ - unless your thought processes are quite twisted and you have a huge chip on your shoulder.

I don't care what any adult gets up to in their sex life (or non existent sex life) It's as interesting as knowing what they eat for breakfast or what toothpaste they using.

But why are children being asked if they are asexual at school? How can they know if they haven't even developed through puberty yet?

Why does asexual need a flag and a pride March?

Out of curiosity, what is the problem of being asexual? Is there one?
Just the same problems that any other woman who says "no" to men will have.

Though I suppose that they occur more frequently because men will shy away if there's clearly another man involved.

Especially considering that IVF/IUI/artificial insemination means that you can get pregnant without actually having sex!

Yes, that will be par for the course I should imagine.

But being refused employment because of being asexual - it could happen I guess.

By the standards people have here it is though.

People here say asexuals are shouting about thei sex lives.
When it’s just part of their lives.

People ask me about dating (and talk about their own dating lives) and I’d love to be able to be honest and say that I’d love to be in a relationship, but the no-sex part is a deal breaker to everyone.

I’m just going on by the logic that is happening here. Funny how you made this about me having odd view/chip on my shoulder.

Out of curiosity, what is the problem of being asexual? Is there one?

”-Just the same problems that any other woman who says "no" to men will have. ”

But the problem here isin’t men though.
This would ve more about women who have issues with other women not following conventional and patriarchal life path.
So it’s about their own internalized misogyny, then?
All the problems and bullying has come from women, not men.

The bulluying didn't come from men, so this isin’t true @turbonerd

It isn't all women, or all people "here" though.

And I also think you'd probably receive a different response to the fact you're asexual if it just came up naturally in conversation on MN as opposed to people being invited to comment on the concept on the back of another thread about a specific angle of asexuality (the Esses thread) that had already brought out some controversial views and had got people all fired up about the subject.

It's the difference between someone just going about their day wearing an outfit and someone posting photos of it online and saying "please critique my outfit as I've got an important event coming up and need to look my best".

I don't think people actively care about your sexuality nearly as much as they might have given the impression here - it's because they were asked a specific question and you wanted to know their thoughts, so they obliged. They probably aren't thinking "ugh bloody asexuals again" every time someone posts a relationship thread about mismatched sex drives, though.

I've been handed my arse of all sorts of topics on MN over the years (much worse than you've had here!), so I know it can feel like the whole of MN thinks something just because a few posters say it.

But honestly the fact this thread hasn't blown up like the Esses thread should indicate how few people on MN actually care about people being asexual in general versus how many people care about men criticising women's behaviour (and clothing choices) and about other women policing women's behaviour based on what many perceive to be a male perspective. There was also a debate on that thread about what made something sexual and whether people were projecting their own objectification of women onto the situation that naturally fed into it. These are complex issues which attract a range of strong opinions, and asexuality was just the canvas on which that debate happened to be painted because it was the topic of the original tweet/article.

But there’s pretty much never any reason to bring up asexuality - unless you’re planing to have a (non)sexual relationship with someone.

loads of us have had extended periods of being single. People ask about dating and it can be annoying. But the answers there aren’t necessarily about sex lives - mostly people will say they’re too busy/haven’t met the right person/various other things.

It actually sounds like your problem is that most people want to have sex with the person they’re in a relationship with. The people you want to have a relationship with are not interested in a relationship without sex. That means you feel lonely.

It doesn’t help to try to turn it all into a ‘the whole world is discriminating against me’ thing though. It will be harder to find an a sexual romantic relationship - so you may need to use specialist apps.

but people having babies or talking about dating or getting married or any other things are not ‘shouting about their sexuality’. It sounds like you are being totally over sensitive about all of this. They’re just talking about life events, in the same way that people talk about doing triathlon events at the weekend, or going on holiday, or all sorts of other stuff.

If you really want to talk about your asexuality, finding a group of like minded people is the way to go. Most of us simply don’t talk to many people (or anyone) about our sex lives/lack thereof. When people do talk about it, it’s usually in particular contexts or just with particular friends.

It isn't all women, or all people "here" though.

Odd way to brish off a problem.

And I also think you'd probably receive a different response to the fact you're asexual if it just came up naturally in conversation on MN

Like I’ve said, I’m not asexual, asexuals have told me I’m not an asexual.
This wasn’t about asexuals, this was mostly about women who don’t have sex and/or are single.
It was in the title of this post.

I do believe that enough people ’care’ (need someone to bash) when it comes to asexuality/not wanting sex.

But the all these topics, when others bring it up, it should be just as okey for me to talk about my difficulties in life. Otherwise it’s just one way, around this topic.

Yeah, I don’t have problems others doing/wanting whatever they want etc.
Should have guessed someone try and turn it on me, but that’s not the case.

I don’t need more strangers online to talk with. I want to be albe to be who I am (this part in my life) to people close to me, just like they are to me.

Again, I’m not asexual, so I can’t answers questions about that.

It’s so strangle how it’s all fine/normal/okey to talk about sex, but if someone doesn’t then it’s a problem, okey to shame and bully, and should just keep to themselves because no one cares.

OP, I am sorry if you feel that aspects of this is difficult - and that there are things you cannot share.

Mumsnet is not a hivemind and this section isn’t either. I will give you my view for what it is worth.

I do not want to talk about other people’s sexlives. Ever. Unless they are a very close friend and there is an issue (a close friend being unable to date because of lack of desire to have sex would indeed be one of them).

I am dealing with a lot (bereavement, illness, children) and when I talk to people in the office or acquaintances, I want to talk about small, kind and cheerful things. Food, films, funny events or maybe holidays.

in terms of holidays (or living arrangements) I don’t care who you go on holiday /live with with (boyfriend (s), girlfriend (s), mother, multiple partners of either sex, I would just like to hear about where you went or any flat improvements, the best parts of it, pub lunches and lovely walks. Please leave the sex or lack of sex out of it.

I'm sorry if you felt I was acknowledging that a problem exists and then brushing it off - what I was trying to do (poorly, it seems) was to say that I'm not sure that the problem of people judging you harshly does exist as I don't think people are that bothered about whether you do or don't want to have sex outside of the specific scenarios where it matters.

I'm single and haven't had sex or a relationship since before lockdown, and I haven't really thought about it in terms of what other people think, so I guess I'm just finding it hard to imagine what kind of hate you're getting for that outside of threads where you're specifically asking what other people might think.

I'm not saying you're not getting hate or getting judged as I'm not in your shoes, obviously. I think I'm just struggling to understand what it is that people are saying about celibate people or people with a low sex drive that would be any of their business. People do sometimes say stupid judgey stuff to me, but I guess it never occurred to me to think they were coming from a feminist perspective - I just thought they were stupid and judgey.

You're in a fine and noble tradition.
Tell your family and friends;
I'm a Spinster

There you go; acknowledgement with a cool historical name and great role models-
Jane Austen for one

Re the asexual thing:

Quietly choosing not to have sex with anyone: no problem

Claiming that choosing not to have sex makes you a marginalised group/demanding a day of visibility/having a special flag/campaigning to get your status added to the PSHE curriculum: problem.