NAMALT?

[Rageasaurus]

Name change for this. I'm a long-term poster. Support wren. Bundles. Have planted plenty of carrots in plenty of gardens. But I don't want this linked with my regular identity.

I found out this afternoon that one of my best friends has been arrested for downloading obscene images of children. For clarity, there is no dispute that he's guilty.

The images are of the worst sort.

I've been friends with him for 20 years. Changed around him. Shared a dorm with him. He supported me through a really messy breakup. I would have said - until 48 hours ago - he was one of the good guys. One of the kindest men I know.

Turns out not.

I thought about where to post, but figured this particular bit of mumsnet - filled as it is with fierce, powerful, empathic women - was probably the best bet. Plus, it's relevant. Until two days ago I'd have had no issue sharing a changing room with him. After all, he was one of the good guys. NAMALT.

Except it turns out that my best mate was like that. He, as it happens, had an enhanced DBS. Proven safe. If that, plus 20 years of friendship, isn't enough to pick out a wrong 'un, then the only safe option is to keep all men out of women's spaces.

Now and forever.

I literally have no clue where I go from here.

I have had a similar experience in the past, and it knocks the stuffing out of you, doesn't it .💐

Oh my God, that is just a nightmare. I'm so sorry for you. Talk about hiding in plain fucking sight. You must feel like you can't trust the ground beneath your feet.

My friend’s brother was convicted of the same.

Initially they arrested her husband because it was his name on the internet bill, police soon realised it was her brother, who was staying with them temporarily.

My friends was similarly devastated.
She loved her brother.

It was a massive headfuck for her, especially as other relatives wanted to keep a sort of mental safety net of denial of truth, even though he was convicted and served a custodial sentence.

I’m not sure it’s comforting to think of it but the awful fact is that lots of sexual predators are likeable - they aren’t all Savilles and Weinsteins.

Better to know the truth than to carry on oblivious to his secret self.

I'm so sorry, OP. Realising that someone isn't who you thought they were is horrible.

No useful advice to offer, only 💐

as it happens, had an enhanced DBS. Proven safe.

an enhanced dbs check simply means that the person was free of criminal charges/convictions at the time the check took place. It does not mean someone is proven safe, as you know now. Plenty of active criminals and pedophiles could pass a enhanced dbs. I'm shocked people don't understand this.

That aside you must be I'm deep shock. Be kind to yourself. This is going to take a lot of time to fully process.

" I literally have no clue where I go from here. "

You don't have to go anywhere, you've done nothing wrong.
Whatever you do, don't start questioning yourself and going over every memory looking for clues that you didn't pick up then.
As I've said for a very long time, the best con men are always the nicest people you could ever wish to meet.
Let's just hope that he is dealt with severely.

Sorry OP this must be a very upsetting position to be in. No advice but sending a big hug x

I'm so sorry, this must be devastating to come to terms with. I hope you have people around you..You will probably go through the stages of grief because you will be grieving for the person you thought you knew.

So many of these men are hiding in plain sight, teachers, doctors, police men, family guys, the kind friends and polite neighbours. How do we know who to trust?

So many of these men are hiding in plain sight, teachers, doctors, police men, family guys, the kind friends and polite neighbours. How do we know who to trust?

They are everywhere. Probably one on every street the world over. And most concerning of all is that these types are often drawn to positions that give them access to children; your teachers, football coach, priest, foster carer to name just a few.

This has happened to me with two significant men in my life. One very significant. It made me question myself, my judgement,and shook my ability to trust. Gradually, I came to understand that being deceived is the fault of the deceiver. And that is what they are good at, so no wonder they succeed at it-that's their job. But it is very, very hard. Be gentle with yourself and give yourself plenty of time. This is a big deal.

Thank you everyone for being so kind. Welling up here. Yes, @Nimbostratus100 , 'knocks the stuffing out of you' is it in a nutshell.

I'm bouncing between, 'of course I'll support him, he's my best friend!' and 'get away from me vile man'. I have no idea where I'll end up. Probably the latter, not least because I work with vulnerable children - @ÉireannachÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉ the 'proven safe' comment was sarcasm from experience ' - which clearly makes it difficult. I've already had to have a 'just so you know...' conversation with our safeguarding lead. But he's my best friend...

How could he??

I'd have no problem abandoning this man to his fate.

Move on. Don't look back. Only take the time to tell him how disgusted, repulsed, angry and devastated you are with him.

Tell him you never want to hear from him ever again and as far as your concerned death is too easy for him.

He's burnt his bridges with you. He's an evil man. He deserves everything that's coming to him and he deserves to lose your friendship.

You have done nothing wrong. Leave him in the past.

Not sure if helpful or not but the BBC doc We need to talk about Cosby has a lot of women talking about the disconnection between someone who appeared thoroughly trustworthy and what he was really like with them.

Bless you, I feel for you. I can only imagine what you are going through.
Many of my close friends are male, reading this has made me consider that I will actually never know the darkest parts of their minds.

I think paedophilia is increasing, with porn usage. I believe all paraphilias are. Any porn-reliant man is ultimately only a few clicks away from something abusive and disgusting. And I think sexual sttraction can be programmed with visual stimuli.

Many 'transwomen' mention sissy porn as having hypnotised them into being 'trans'. Maybe 40 years ago a certain.percentage of today's 'transwomen' would have been absolutely normal men.

Im not suggesting this has happened to your friend. Who knows. Maybe they were sexually abused themselves.

But it doesn't really matter why they have done what they have done.

Someone else might have said this, but you are likely to go through stages of grief - sadness, amger, disbelief.

Im sorry you got let down by a brother. But brothers are like that.

Just know that you are totally supported by the sisterhood - women are here for you now and we will be here for you for the rest of your life.

Sending you a big hug, sister x

I had this. Not a friend, a colleague but a high profile case and more than pictures.

I spent years going over things in my head. We're there signs? Could I have done something if I'd noticed?

No advice , just empathy, it's a headfuck.

No excuse, but I did read that people who had been victims sometimes became offenders, which for some reason helped.

Have changed names for this thread.

This happened in my family; my partners adult son, who had come to stay with us very temporarily.

It very nearly broke us. We/I found it so difficult to deal with. I think that it was a bit like the various stages of grief. What should have been, what could have been.. the upset, the fear, the disgust, and the anxiety.

I had trusted this person around my children (thank heavens nothing happened to my children). He lied about why he had been in prison. Only found out when the police came knocking.

Asked the police to get him out of my house straight away. We were in the process of moving house and when we did, the bastard used our new address. Cue knocks on the door from the police, court bailiffs whenever they had lost track of him. They don't seem to be able to keep track of all these offenders.

Went no contact straight away.

I was on high alert everyday for years, wondering if I was going to get another knock on the door either by the police, a court bailiff or children's services or wondering if I might bump into him in the street.

What I did learn from someone, is that peadophiles are very, very manipulative, and probably have been since a young age. They are experts at hoodwinking even those closest to them.

He is dead now. I felt so much relief on being told that he was dead. I know that may sound awful to some and I struggled a little with that feeling for a bit, then I came around. I am glad that he is dead.

I do find trust is an issue, and not just in the obvious scenarious - I can be stood in a queue, in a shop and wonder about the person behind or the person in front.

As a PP has said, move on, don't look back. I think the biggest feeling I had, and I think that I am just getting over it, well trying to, is the immense feeling of shame. Shame and guilt that I didn't see it (thought people who knew him his whole life didn't see it). Then I remember that those people are highly manipulative.

Go no contact. Especially since you work with vulnerable children. Perhaps seek counselling if there is a time when/if you are struggling with your feelings. You have done nothing wrong, it's all on them.

Gradually, I came to understand that being deceived is the fault of the deceiver.

Absolutely this. So sorry you are going through this OP, what a shock. Find your anger and grieve for the person you thought he was. I used to work in sexual offending and this type is prevalent in all 'respectable' areas - teachers, doctors, husbands etc etc. I literally don't trust anyone now, anyone is capable, no matter how many times we are told NAMALT. Nothing shocks me now.

Be kind to yourself.

@support4Thread How did that work out if you were in a relationship with his dad? It's so horrendous to think of a parent being put in that position.

OP-don't, please, think for a SECOND of supporting him. Not for a single second. He doesn't deserve it, you can do nothing to help him and you will end up more hurt.

I did read that people who had been victims sometimes became offenders, which for some reason helped.

A popular misconception that most child sex offenders were once victims themselves. The theory is based on the erroneous assumption that they’ve become paedophiles because of their victimisation. This is a tidy explanation for a minority of offenders. But for most victims of child sex abuse, this is not only untrue, it’s harmful. It can increase stigma and prevent people from speaking up about their abuse. Some victims may fear they will one day become an offender, or at least develop the desire to offend.

It is weird to me that you would find some comfort in the idea that the cycle of abuse is continued.

@determinedtomakethiswork His dad went NC with him same day I did. We are still together and have a strong relationship. I think that no matter how much he might wanted to have helped the bastard, he knew that he would never change, nonces don't, and that I would have left with our child; he would have lost so much more than he would have gained from trying to help.

I am so sorry that you are having to deal with this.

It is weird to me that you would find some comfort in the idea that the cycle of abuse is continued.

I think people want it to make sense some how, so they clutch at straws. It just feels better to have a ‘reason’ even if it’s totally made up. The alternative, is a mind cycling round and around looking for answers.

OP I feel for you 💐

OK I see what you mean. Thank you for explaining that.

Something similar (though not as close and affecting) happened to me - a work colleague who I’d known for a long time and who had at times been my assigned work mentor turned out to be a similar kind of offender - he tried all the way through the investigation period to pull the “I ended up on a bad internet page by mistake” sob story, but it turned out at the trial that he had been a prolific circulator of (very young) child pornography for twenty years, and the serious crime agency had been tracking him on the dark web for ages.

He was such a monstrous hypocrite - went about with the persona of a great religious man; gave talks with the Archbishop of Canterbury, for god’s sake! I was shocked, but other friends who thought they knew him really well were really devastated at the betrayal and for trusting him.

I don’t think you can ever be certain that you know who someone is inside. That’s terrifying, but it’s also not anyone’s fault but his. It’s not your fault, OP. But I would it him off and grieve that he isn’t the person you thought you knew - like a bereavement. Friends who were closer with my hypocrite colleague said they found the lies and deceit were the worst thing, and the best way was not to see him again, because each time they saw him they felt worse. Don’t feel you have to “stand by him” out of guilt or some kind of loyalty. Just keep reminding yourself about the children who will have been so dreadfully harmed just to give him a few cheap thrills, and how it will blight the rest of their lives. What a despicable man. He deserves to lose his friends.

(By the way, my former colleague escaped jail with sad faces and sob stories about how he was so sorry, and now goes about town sulking self-righteously. Don’t be taken in by “I didn’t really mean it, I was terribly troubled” lies, or by imagining your friend is going through some kind of spiritual torment. Mr “gives talks with Archibish” still thinks he has been really hard done by and was persecuted by the police for “thoughtcrime”! Absolutely no remorse at all! Deserved to lose his job, friends and reputation IMO.)