Called a Terf

[Knowitsinappropriate]

I was called a terf and alienated by the student body in relation to my studies (postgrad) because I had a coffee with someone who unrelated to our coffee chat happens to be struggling with coming to terms with her natal son declaring themselves trans. She has said quite openly she fully accepts her child’s choices but finds it hard to comprehend and gets stuck with pronouns etc.

I’m now guilty by association and I’ve lost friends who unquestioningly accept I’m a terf without so much as asking me. When I asked where this came from, it seems
someone had seen us together laughing and it has spread this nasty rumour.

I’ve said or done nothing to suggest I’m transphobic in my time at the university.

I don’t expect there will be many students here but maybe some lecturers who may have an idea of how to deal with this. Without being able to speak with and work alongside my colleagues - it requires a lot of group work, I’m going to struggle to complete my masters.

🙄

They sound like a bunch of nasty bullies.
How do they know about the persons trans child?

🙄

The woman had previously explained in a group setting that her child was trans and that she struggled with the whole concept but accepted their identity.

Smile and wave

And be a good friend to the woman. Sounds like she needs a sensible, kind friend too.

Being a terf will soon be a badge of honour you’re in the vanguard. At least you know who to avoid now.

So almost overnight you've become a pariah because someone saw you having coffee with her and the news spread among other students who also know the woman in question is struggling to accept her son's transition? And in all that no-one has spoken to you about it, you've seemingly just become frozen out by the student body?

Fully agree

Fucking hell, the thought police are out in full on your course, aren’t they? These people are imbeciles. Ignore. They don’t get to dictate who you or this poor woman have tea with!

And if they persist in making your life difficult, complain to the university. Little twits!

Yes that pretty much sums it up. Thanks for paraphrasing so beautifully

I have decided this will be my approach with the woman. She needs support and understanding.

Listen, be a good friend, smile, wave

Stay strong. Give it a few weeks and people will start letting you know they agree with you (albeit quietly, because they are scared of ostracisation).

If it really will negatively affect your studies consider a transfer and/or lodge a complaint asap as gender critical views are protected under the EQ10 and your university has a duty to ensure your studies aren’t negatively affected by other people’s intolerance (same as they would if you were being ostracised for religious beliefs).

Contact Sex Matters or the Free Speech Union for piper advice tailored to your specific circumstances.

Chin up and thanks for taking the time to listen to a mum dealing with difficult family issues.
Don’t let the bastards grind you down.

Is there a member of faculty you can speak to? Probably not someone who includes their pronouns on their email signature, mind you...

Explain that you are worried about group work implications and what their policies are on issues with bullying in group work settings.

If you work hard, and you keep the staff updated with any concerns, there is no reason you can't succeed on your course.

You are absolutely right. For a parent, it often feels very like a bereavement. Sadly parents, spouses/partners, siblings and children of transitioners can find it very difficult to express their feelings publicly. Ironically, this is because of the intolerance of the ‘righteously tolerant’ who demand delighted affirmation and validation.

Are there no other sane people on your course?

I would start to document any incidents where 'things are said' or you are frozen out. If it gets to a point where you need to raise a complaint with the university you'll need evidence.

You really don't need 'friends' like these. Find the ones that use logic and fact rather than shouting terf and pair up with those.

Totally.

The logically, factual based people will win through. The tide is turning on this garbage now.

@whereaw they all have pronouns. I did too but I’m so tempted to remove them now. I’ve been reading these forums a lot today and learning a lot about the other side - I see equally as convincing arguments not to
have pronouns.

I can’t transfer and do have to participate in group activities compulsorily. I’m hoping it will eventually become boring as the next drama occurs. Someone might eat a cake next to a Tory or something.

@AnnoyedwithGossips They’re not really friends but course mates. We don’t socialise outside of uni but have to work closely together in uni. I’m wary of sharing too much info in case it is recognisable.

If term means behaving like a decent human being and been a good friend i would be proud to be one.

I would be horrified if I was involved in spreading malicious hatred and gossip to just be part of the ‘in crowd’.

but make a note of the bullying, because that is what it is, and report it.

I may have misunderstood, but are you saying you're being shunned because you had a coffee with someone who has a child they're worried about?

Your crime in having a coffee with this person?

You're not anti-trans?

You're not posting stickers or attending KJKs Standing With Women talks?

You had a coffee with a woman whose dealing with a transitioning child.

You're a terf for having a coffee with her?

This is in a UNIVERSITY? With ADULT students.

Jfc.

We're fucked as a society, aren't we....

They sound so immature and extreme.

We're fucked as a society, aren't we....

It's beginning to look like that isn't it? Behaviour like this is akin to communist China / Russia. I'd say it's the young but I'm acutely aware that there are countless university lecturers either leading the bullying / intimidation or standing by watching and silent.

I teach at a university. My advice:

• document everything, with date and time; you can use the notepad on your phone
• report to your module tutor and to the Head of Department; remember, you had pronouns in your bio, too. Your lecturers’ opinions on trans matters are not relevant, whatever they think, they have to ensure all students have an equal opportunity to learn and benefit from the course
• You have done nothing wrong, your friend has done nothing wrong and yet this is having a negative impact on your learning experience
• if your lecturers can’t sort this out, consider notifying the office for students, but exhaust all options at your university first.

This kind of social ostracism is very childish but most universities have bullying and harassment policies or codes of conduct. Read those policies and seek advice if you don’t understand them.

Good luck!