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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

Feminism: chat

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Original poster

Called a Terf

67 replies

Knowitsinappropriate · 20/02/2023 19:10

I was called a terf and alienated by the student body in relation to my studies (postgrad) because I had a coffee with someone who unrelated to our coffee chat happens to be struggling with coming to terms with her natal son declaring themselves trans. She has said quite openly she fully accepts her child’s choices but finds it hard to comprehend and gets stuck with pronouns etc.

I’m now guilty by association and I’ve lost friends who unquestioningly accept I’m a terf without so much as asking me. When I asked where this came from, it seems
someone had seen us together laughing and it has spread this nasty rumour.

I’ve said or done nothing to suggest I’m transphobic in my time at the university.

I don’t expect there will be many students here but maybe some lecturers who may have an idea of how to deal with this. Without being able to speak with and work alongside my colleagues - it requires a lot of group work, I’m going to struggle to complete my masters.

OP posts:

Pixiedust1234 · 20/02/2023 20:23

Keep a record of dates, who, and what they said/did. If it carries on then follow the procedure for bullying. Its not acceptable.

More people should be proud to be called a Terf, even though the unthinking use it as a slur.

Hawkins003 · 20/02/2023 20:23

This is for learning and so I can be knowledgeable

I understand that people can think they are x and then get surgery ect do become x type, and officially be as x type, but how can they be 100% x type if they have been eg a type for so many years?

As an extra question does that mean instead that they would not be 100% authentic but 100% imitation of the type they choose to be ?

Crouton19 · 20/02/2023 20:27

Transparent2 · 20/02/2023 19:40

You are absolutely right. For a parent, it often feels very like a bereavement. Sadly parents, spouses/partners, siblings and children of transitioners can find it very difficult to express their feelings publicly. Ironically, this is because of the intolerance of the ‘righteously tolerant’ who demand delighted affirmation and validation.

Show quote history

Can confirm. 😥

Crouton19 · 20/02/2023 20:29

Terf is such a juvenile insult anyway, it’s like calling someone weeweebumface. It shows the other person has no real argument.

Original poster

Knowitsinappropriate · 20/02/2023 20:33

Baldieheid · 20/02/2023 20:02

I may have misunderstood, but are you saying you're being shunned because you had a coffee with someone who has a child they're worried about?

Your crime in having a coffee with this person?

You're not anti-trans?

You're not posting stickers or attending KJKs Standing With Women talks?

You had a coffee with a woman whose dealing with a transitioning child.

You're a terf for having a coffee with her?

This is in a UNIVERSITY? With ADULT students.

Jfc.

We're fucked as a society, aren't we....

Sadly that is exactly right.

i can’t wrap my head around it at all. I’m slightly older than the majority of students but not by much.

OP posts:

Original poster

Knowitsinappropriate · 20/02/2023 20:38

ExUCU · 20/02/2023 20:18

I teach at a university. My advice:

document everything, with date and time; you can use the notepad on your phone
report to your module tutor and to the Head of Department; remember, you had pronouns in your bio, too. Your lecturers’ opinions on trans matters are not relevant, whatever they think, they have to ensure all students have an equal opportunity to learn and benefit from the course
You have done nothing wrong, your friend has done nothing wrong and yet this is having a negative impact on your learning experience
if your lecturers can’t sort this out, consider notifying the office for students, but exhaust all options at your university first.

This kind of social ostracism is very childish but most universities have bullying and harassment policies or codes of conduct. Read those policies and seek advice if you don’t understand them.

Good luck!

Thank you so much and to everyone else who has suggested noting bullying.

This is helpful, it’s just scary. I never expected to be accused of being a terf and I now see that by trying to react to the accusers it makes it look worse for me , especially in denial.

I was so oblivious to how hard it was for people who maybe have questions or worries. Today has been an education for me

OP posts:

FrancescaContini · 20/02/2023 20:38

These are post grad students?

Original poster

Knowitsinappropriate · 20/02/2023 20:41

They are @FrancescaContini - it’s just really weird. I think the majority are under 25, if that makes a difference.

OP posts:

Slothtoes · 20/02/2023 20:42

If this is real, I do hope you will report these bullies for bullying because it sounds like something has gone seriously awry on your course.

kittenkipping · 20/02/2023 20:58

I'm a mature student, and had a very similar thing happen to me at the start of my course. Not only was I old, but I was "outed" by someone else as a terf too. From then until now I do not know what I said or did to be identified as terf. I followed the pronoun nonsense, I wore the bloody badge holder that the college gave out free. It was quite bad for the first half term. Slowly it died down and a few of the other ladies came out as a bit terfy to me (to which I mmed and nodded but never agreed because I'm so suspicious of a trap!) and we are generally all friends now. Hopefully it'll blow over for you soon too.
The experience has left me feeling little hope for the future as these 18-24 year olds have no critical thinking skills, no reasoning, compromise skills, nor debate skills. It's just cancel and loudly shouting "we can't hear you". I've watched them over the last 9months and they are the least resilient, most privileged and most childish bunch of young adults I've ever encountered. Coming back to education has been an eye opener and I genuinely hope it's not reflective of all the age group and just the 79 or so students on my course (politics and law in a Russel group- if anyone wants to further despair)

IwantToRetire · 20/02/2023 21:28

Just a message to say how shitty this sounds. I am not familiar with University structures but someone who is has posted who you could contact about this. Even if only to record the date it started happening.

Also does the university offer any support structures for students who are having difficulties. Not saying you are a vulnerable person which seems to be the phrase used, but you could approach as ask for professional advice on how to handle this. ie needing to work it a group setting where you have been isolated.

In the meantime do you have an IRL friend you could talk about this with. Just to be able to express yourself it freely? Its great that you want to support the woman whose child is trans, but you too could do with a bit of support as well.

Or you could just write it up each day and then get it published. I am sure it would become a best seller as so many are being put through this!

Blister · 20/02/2023 22:04

Ah the outcast mentality. In my other world you'd be thought of as dirty. Get your rebel gear on, you're the new disobedient teen!

FrancescaContini · 20/02/2023 22:06

@kittenkipping That sounds really depressing, especially your second paragraph.

flabbygoldfish · 20/02/2023 22:09

The experience has left me feeling little hope for the future as these 18-24 year olds have no critical thinking skills, no reasoning, compromise skills, nor debate skills.

funny you should say that as I know quite a few managers and employers who just don’t want anything to do with young people in the workplace now. Wont go near them with a barge pole. They are just too much of a headache and liability.

iwantmyownicecreamvan · 20/02/2023 22:22

Just nod along and show them this

Restinggoddess · 20/02/2023 22:38

Do you remember, in the school playground when kids would say you would get nits from standing next to a certain child or if two girls were talking together they were called lesbians?

The behaviour you have described just shows that some people do not grow up, evolve or have any social decency
Don’t let the morons get you down!

Sparklybutold · 20/02/2023 22:39

@Knowitsinappropriate are you on a counselling or therapy type course? If so - please pm me.

DameMaud · 20/02/2023 22:44

Have you updated on your situation anywhere @Sparklybutold ?

Sparklybutold · 21/02/2023 03:25

@DameMaud I do have an update - I'll do it tomorrow! As in when my brains functioning! Thank you for asking and remembering though! 🌸

Frenchfancy · 21/02/2023 05:43

I read the title and came on to congratulate you.

Whilst people use terf as a slur, I see it as the glasses have fallen and you have seen the light. Up to now you have behaved as a good cult member, but one slip and you are ostracised.

Take a read of some of the threads on here and on twitter about women's sports, women's jail's, teenagers being put on un-reversible drugs...

I'm really sorry if it affects your studies, but it shouldn't. You are not in the wrong.

Lagoonablue · 21/02/2023 05:51

I work in a university. I avoid anything on the trans issue. It’s a can of worms. Shame, when university is supposed to be about exploring ideas.

aweegc · 21/02/2023 06:09

I can believe this. My babysitter just graduated in the summer and she said she was afraid of saying anything that could lead anybody thinking she was anti-trans because the pile ons were vicious.

OP Im hoping you're not on any kind of counselling or psychology course. It would make this behaviour even worse than on basically any other course (and it's awful on them).

Grammarnut · 21/02/2023 08:33

It's a compliment meaning you don't organise your life on a set of nebulous pseudo-religious maxims and act unkindly/unpleasantly to people who do not fully endorse them too. Embrace terfism. You will find a lot of information that helps you on this board, too.

Hepwo · 21/02/2023 08:45

I expect with this lack of critical thinking and cooperation the group work will be of a low standard and frustrating too.

There was a piece in the Spectator by a recent graduate zommer, saying of this generation that they have made the "rules" of social justice so complicated that they don't understand them and are afraid of each other.

I doubt you are alone. Be brave. They are just rude children.

SinnerBoy · 21/02/2023 08:55

ExUCU · Yesterday 20:18

Your lecturers’ opinions on trans matters are not relevant, whatever they think, they have to ensure all students have an equal opportunity to learn and benefit from the course

Unfortunately, @Knowitsinappropriate needs to be prepared for a staff member to be of the opinion that TWAW and do nothing, or to be actively malicious. Remember what happened to Kathleen Stock and how she was ostracised by students, staff and even her union.

That said, of course she should report the awful behaviour.

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