Trans identifying teens- HELP

[ExhaustedMargi]

I wanted to ask if anyone here has/had a teenage girl identifying as a trans boy during their teens 13-19 that then decided to return to their original gender. My kid is 15 and has been identifying as trans since the onset of puberty ( like thousands are now) and although I have allowed them to transition socially I'm withholding any other intervention until they are an adult in the hope that this too shall pass. I'm torn in two. the supportive mum in the daylight and the grieving mother at night. It is exhausting. This is all accompanied with depression, social anxiety and a lot of missed school days for my kid. I'm at my wits end, NOT a transphobe but a concerned parent that just feels deep inside that my kid got caught in the gender politics cross fire, via the internet and social media, at a very young age to understand it. It's like a hear a parrot reciting the lexicon of lgbtq+ terminology.
Anyone with similar experience and some hope?

Sounds like you need some doctor advice! It would be good to hear what medication is available and if they cause permanent changes or not perhaps?
I think it's too young to make permanent body changes at this point because your teenager may not know what suits them best. E.g. some people have top surgery but not bottom.
So long as they can style themselves how they feel most comfortable, hopefully they'll be ok with that till they're an adult.

No, no, no to medication! It is experimenting on young bodies. We have no reliable data about what the massive doses of artificial cross-sex hormones do to a young female body.

There is irreversible damage - male pattern hair loss on the head, male pattern hair growth, deepened voice. Ad that's before we get to the issue of atrophied uterus, vagina, and ovaries.

Style themselves? It's not a clothes fashion. Puberty blockers and surgery can cause serious long term harm.

Bayswater support group might be helpful op.

You sound like a good mum OP.

Have you looked at the resources avbailable from these groups?

www.bayswatersupport.org.uk/

www.transgendertrend.com/

good luck!

We don't know what effects the medication would have long term. We're reluctant enough to give puberty blockers to children suffering from precocious puberty, and that's to treat an actual physical medical problem. On the plus side, with the Tavistock being closed and not yet replaced, that should hopefully cause a delay, which may buy thinking time.

I haven't any personal experience but I have heard stories from parents of children who have come through this.

The Bayswater Support Group is based in the UK and is a great group for parents of trans identified children and young people. One of the founders of the group was the guest interviewee at last week's WRN zoom and she was great.

PITT (Parents with an Inconvenient Truth about Trans) have a substack and also tweet a lot of stories from parents. Mostly US based.

It might be worth reconsidering your agreement to socially transition. It can make it harder for teens to admit that they have made a mistake if everyone has gone along with their new name etc.

There was an excellent interview on Radio 4's PM programme last week with a mum and her daughter. The daughter identified as a boy for several years but has now accepted that she is a young woman and is comfortable with her body. I'll see if I can find the link.

www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/m001hwzz

The interview wuth the mum and daughter (formerly identifying as a boy) is about 45 minutes from the beginning.

Over 80% of so called trans children will desist if not socially transitioned and pushed onto puberty blockers. Watchful waiting is the safest response to them.
The majority of teens find puberty difficult to accept, especially girls with all the unwelcome creepy older male attention to their developing bodies, and it’s all too easy to get drawn into transition as a way to escape.

I was also going to suggest this. And suitable to listen together

Thank you all. Unfortunately the social transition has happened and they are not a kid but a fully developed teenager. Their chosen name at the time was gender neutral in case they channged their mind but has now come to me and said they are considering to change it into a more masculine LOL. No way I'm doing this again. If anyone here has stories of detransition or going back to the original gender please hit me. I need some hope. the rest I;ve already considered.
Many thinks in advance

I did listened to this. it was interesting. I'm walking on eggshells and riding their emotional roller coaster so I might not suggest to listen to it. or I might. I don't know!! it's just full on at the moment

Why did my post get deleted? Gee - having actually been through this myself with a teenage girl, are my thoughts not valid or are they offensive?

My Dd, socially transitioned at 15, we got her counselling with a therapist for normal teen stuff, so she just had someone to talk to, whilst we waited to the GPs Tavistock referral. Lots of support and keeping her extremely busy, so really not giving her a minute to think about her own stuff!! By mid sixth form we could see a change in her, slowly she mentioned maybe she wasn’t sure, but that was the hardest part, especially for a teenager, admitting they were wrong!! We stalled Tavistock. Really needed a lot of support backtracking. But all well now. Aged 21 at uni and very anti the social media and political rollercoaster of the whole issue. Hang on in there OP. The best advice I can give, is be understanding but keep her busy, sending strength and support

Mother of a trans guy here. Many, many years, from around age 8 questioning, answering questions, thinking it might be a phase, going with the flow, anxiety, anorexia, autism, the full works. Started 6th year with new name, although had been using that name unofficially for several years, started to thrive. Applied for and started uni with new name and gender marker, with the full support of our eating disorder nurse practitioner and psychiatrist.
Kid is thriving. Achieving great grades and doing much better socially than ever before.
Been on the waiting list for gender identity clinic for 2.5 years - still likely to wait another 2 years before getting first appointment.

I was thinking the same @MissAmbrosia . It dissappeared very quickly and wondered if I said something to make you delete it...

I know of a lass who from the sounds of it is where your dd is at the same age and who un socially transitioned on starting uni. hth

@ExhaustedMargi you might get your DD interested in activities that are physical & not involving the internet. Teens seem to learn a script on the internet, and it becomes very self-regarding.

Something that might help is an animal who is dependent on her for care, or some volunteer work - things that get her out of herself & obsessive self-regard. I know of several friends suffering debilitating mental illnesses (depression, alcoholism) who say they were "saved" by having to care for dogs or cats - animals who could not be ignored, and needed their owners to be responsible & present.

You might be interested also in the podcast "Gender: A Wider Lens" made by two very experienced, specialised therapists in working with young people with gender identity anxieties and questions. You can find it easily on YouTube as well.

One episode in particular might be useful for you: "Mother-Daughter Story: I Didn't Want to be Yours Anymore"

Sadly I'm still waiting for my nearly 19 year old to come to her senses. She's socially transitioned in that she dresses masculine and goes by a male name but with others who are not family members. We still call her by her birth name at home. Grandfather has no idea about any of it and would disown her and me (it would be bound to be my fault somehow if he finds out). She had a binder which I confiscated. She lives a double life and I've spent almost 3 years living a waking nightmare waiting for her to just realise that being a boy will not fix her mental health or internal issues.

She has also started uni. We begged her to go as her birth name and gender and perhaps just disclose he feelings to close friends but no. She tells me all about her flatmates, but will actively avoid me meeting them if we visit. They are always busy. School friends were told how unsupportive and hateful we are. I'm a terf etc. All because we said you're still so young, please do not do anything drastic until you are fully sure of this decision because it's so much harder to reverse in the long run. They think they can change gender like they change their underwear. I just want my daughter back :(

I don’t mean just clothes, I mean hair etc too. I.e. how they present themselves to the world.
I didn’t mean automatically go for medication also but to talk about it so they know what will be ahead if they went for it? Though I guess a specialist in that area would know better and talk them through it so they feel comfortable in their decision to stay as they are or make changes.
It’s a very difficult subject!
Your child is still your child and will have friends etc regardless of what they decide to be. The younger generation seems to be very accepting and flexible in that regard. They’ll be ok, if that’s your worry, op?

My daughter identified as a trans boy from 13-16. It was one of the most stressful times of my life as I knew it wasn't right for her but she was convinced. I joined all the support groups that have been mentioned and they were a lifeline. When I could I talked about regret in general, asked her if she felt differently about anything (apart from gender) than she did while she was younger, insisted she would have to take things very slowly and that I would never approve attending a gender clinic while she was under 18, etc. She did gradually socially transition including on the school register but in the end the desistance came suddenly much to my surprise.

I never managed to get her off social media or device use in general but I agree it's much better if you can. It was an awful time OP, and I hope you have the same outcome I did.

From talking to others, it seems quite a lot of children who identify as trans desist when they reach sixth form i.e the move from school to college.
There is a culture amongst some yp that talks about "playing" with gender. It allows them to go between genders. That may be a non threatening way to talk to your daughter and keep the door open for desistance, on her own terms.

Honestly all you can do is love them as they are and wait and see if it’s a phase or who they are.

Im sorry it’s so difficult for you, people used to feel like that about their kid coming out as gay but it doesn’t need to be the end of the world

Fwiw I have known many teens go through an experimental phase and drop it.
The ones who kept it up longest were the ones who had truly found their identity and the ones who had to fight the hardest and dig their heels in.

I have always advised parents to just let them experiment with non-permanent ways as children and accept they’ll make their own choices as adults… which applies to most aspects of parenting tbh!

I honestly think this one of the most sad issues - and sympathise totally. I feel angry that this is an issue that many parents are grappling with. My belief that 99.99999% of these cases are for young people who either anxious, suffering from mental health issues or simply want to be different and kick against the establishment. Hopefully it will pass and the teenagers and young people realise this is fad and something they have been sucked into. My hope is that none are pushed down the medical route into something that will cause long term damage.