Trans identifying teens- HELP

[ExhaustedMargi]

I wanted to ask if anyone here has/had a teenage girl identifying as a trans boy during their teens 13-19 that then decided to return to their original gender. My kid is 15 and has been identifying as trans since the onset of puberty ( like thousands are now) and although I have allowed them to transition socially I'm withholding any other intervention until they are an adult in the hope that this too shall pass. I'm torn in two. the supportive mum in the daylight and the grieving mother at night. It is exhausting. This is all accompanied with depression, social anxiety and a lot of missed school days for my kid. I'm at my wits end, NOT a transphobe but a concerned parent that just feels deep inside that my kid got caught in the gender politics cross fire, via the internet and social media, at a very young age to understand it. It's like a hear a parrot reciting the lexicon of lgbtq+ terminology.
Anyone with similar experience and some hope?

This is a big social fad. So many kids think they are trans it's just not true.

If I were you I'd book a month long holiday, get your teen out of their comfort zone of school and the social groups that will be chatting about this shit at school break times and hope she meets a good group of friends or a gets into some holiday club or something and get their mind off it and see a whole new world exists without this bollocks.

Maybe this is naive but that's what I'd try.

Thank you all for your messages, some I agree with some not but all well meaning nonetheless. I had a conversation with my kid yesterday as they mentioned that they can start T at 16. Of course I said that they need to wait , that they might be changing their mind on something irreversible etc. etc.
What I got after was a very sincere confession of how distressed they feel. ( I'm using all sorts of pronouns, I'm THAt confused) How they feel they are missing out of being a teenager because they have to contend with a permanent unease. Feeling physically sick and panicky with their breast. Nothing being right in their eyes. Feeling like they are NOT fiting in rather than trying to fit in as has been mentioned here, and how I need to let go of the girly and move on. I went to bed with this feeling of a stone in the chest. One because how sad I am to see my child going through hell, suffering way above and beyond normal teenage angst, and also a sense of grief for what it could be but will never be (me and my daughter forging strong ahead). I have had a lot of loss in my life and I perceive this as another major one.
My kid is adamant they are not going back and I feel that I too must look forward, for my sanity, rather that confusing myself with wishful thinking.
It's perhaps the hardest of all things I has to go through ( and there has been a lot)

I am sorry OP there has not been a magic wand to offer. I have had six years of trans ideology. There is a board for parents of trans DC. You might find wider support there.
I too grieve every day for my child who seemed happy up to 13. I didn't sleep for years.

To those who tried to attack me I know what my ftm was asked to do sexually and how my long term friends have felt. My BFF is gay and has never been happy. This is my RL experience which I am entitled to state. Your experience may be different. The op asked for input from people who have walked in her shoes. That I gave.

What I got after was a very sincere confession of how distressed they feel. ( I'm using all sorts of pronouns, I'm THAt confused) How they feel they are missing out of being a teenager because they have to contend with a permanent unease. Feeling physically sick and panicky with their breast. Nothing being right in their eyes. Feeling like they are NOT fiting in rather than trying to fit in as has been mentioned here, and how I need to let go of the girly and move on.

TBH, this doesn't suggest 'trans' - this suggests severe anxiety about puberty & adolescence and femininity - which is ENTIRELY different from being sexed female, if you see what I mean.

Could you get your daughter doing something physical at which she could excel, to show her that her body is amazing, whatever its shape and sex? Can she do an activity with fairly 'masculine' women, or women who do stuff not considered 'girly'? Doesn't need to be with butch lesbians, but maybe learning weightlifting or horse riding, or archery - or something, to show her that she can do things with her body as it is.

As a general observation, what I think is so sad is that at the moment - after 50 years of trying for women's liberation - this is a society where too many girls & young women look at how the world treats women, and decide they want to opt out.

I didn't mention the word trans but yes we talk about it a lot at home. They keep saying they wished they weren't but unfortunately they don't feel like a girl or non binary or gender fluid at all. they feel like a boy that everyone sees as a girl. Luckily there are now a few old school trans men out there advocating against medical transition early in life and are recognising how absurd and heated the conversation has become. Someone posted a video here that I just watched. It's so hard to know what is and what isn't and so it's very hard for me to mentain a balance in my emotions and to know what to do. What's intuition, what's wishful thinking, what's social influence, how much to push and how much let go. A bloody roller coaster on acid

I'd really recommend listening to Stella O'Malley on this (great podcast - Gender: A Wider Lens). She's talked about her own experience of gender dysphoria, and they've interviewed detrans & desisting young women , and mothers of such young women.

And there's support for parents via Genspect and the Beaumont Society.

Good luck! It's happened very drastically in my family, and I could weep for my young relative, who at 19 has now lost most of their hair via huge doses of testosterone since the age of 16.

Sorry @BlueHeelers but the Beaumont Society is the last place any parent should go to for advice! Avoid them at all costs.

So sorry ExhaustedMargi at what you and your daughter are going through. The positive is that you have a good relationship with her and are talking. It's a terrible thing that children going through understandable teenage angst are being gaslit by strangers to see this as meaning they're in the wrong body.

You mention having had a lot of loss in your life. Has your daughter also experienced that loss? There's a lot of evidence that this is one of the common factors with girls and ROGD? Not asking you to share on here - unless you want to - but worth considering as to whether it's a factor - because if it is, then it may be a useful route to explore in terms of support for her?

I think (and hope!) @BlueHeelers mean the Bayswater Support Group (www.bayswatersupport.org.uk/). There's also Our Duty (ourduty.group/)

What does your DD think her life will be like if other people perceive her to be a boy (despite her actually being female)?

See if you can drill down into what those expectations are.

My DD has become a bit more realistic about trans outcomes after we pointed out that life is pretty brutal for men who are 5ft 3 with a size 4 shoe.
Most women don’t want to date a man less than about 5ft 10 for starters!

Yes, yes, yes.

The Bayswater Society. I recently heard a very good talk by a member of that group. It was very good, and I think you'd get excellent support there @ExhaustedMargi

NOT the Beaumont Society. No no no - that is the support group for men who have the condition that dare not say its name (and not the one Oscar Wilde is linked to).

Thank you @MrsOvertonsWindow and @civetcat for catching my error!

I’m sorry this is not a direct answer to your question, but it hopefully provides some context.
I recently saw a post on social media by a school teacher, saying every girl in his class ( I got the impression that it numbered 20+) had become a trans boy or non binary.
I would be amazed if all these students had made their decision independently and if all these identities were permanent.

Yes we had it here too @ExhaustedMargi - autistic DC insisting they were non-binary. They had recently made friends with others who believed they were trans who sounded as if their home life included trauma (talks of getting thrown out by parents). DC changed their name twice, cut their hair and wen on rants about it all. We had a lot of refusing to attend school, high anxiety, - I thought I would have to give up my job at one point. After CAMHS said they could not provide counselling, we went private.

Now 18 and at Uni, new wider group of friends, they no longer identify as trans or non-binary and having received a backlash over that from some of the online trans community can now see how online is a toxic echo chamber.

I did tell them that no matter who they thought they were, I would always love them. I also pointed out that I never thought of my gender, I only ever considered my sex. That gender was something I felt imposed on me by society. I do express myself quite creatively in my clothing/hair etc, so didn't really conform to a gendered stereotype. I also explained that as their parent I would feel negligent if I didn't try and understand where they were coming from and that sometimes that may mean my asking questions to help me do just that. Because I wanted the absolute best for them. So we talked, A LOT! Always listen and communicate would be my advice.

Would your child go to a counsellor to explore why they feel as they do? The charities mentioned to you previously can probably help you find someone who is neutral and not gender affirming. You have to watch out for the latter as many professionals are captured by GII.

They keep saying they wished they weren't but unfortunately they don't feel like a girl or non binary or gender fluid at all. they feel like a boy that everyone sees as a girl.

This line of thinking is very similar to the young male in my family (I can say ''male" as that is acceptable by this relative). This relative says over and over, "I feel like a girl/woman." But how does anyone know what everyone else feels like? Young people, like your daughter, who are struggling w/ self-esteem feel their struggles are unique and different to others. They can't empathize with others and assume everyone else is happy and content.

Your daughter's distress isn't rational, but maybe you can poke some holes in her reasoning - how can any woman possibly know what it feels like to be a boy/man if they aren't in a male body? How do women 'feel' they are a woman? This is such a subjective belief and she's making a lot of assumptions about what women and girls and men and boys feel and what they are. How could she possibly know what goes on in another's head? Pushing this a bit on her might make her realize that she's not as alone as she thinks - that feeling unhappy w/ your body is common among young women.

I have pushed my young relative to give me specific examples of these feelings and I get a variety of very sexist examples, like, "I love to wear skirts." "I have womanly emotions cause I cry a lot." When I counter this person with, "You know DG hasn't worn a dress since 1960 because she hates skirts and dresses, male relative counters back with, "well, that's her choice." Or, "I've never been much of a crier - you know DUncle cries at the drop of a hat," and this person just shrugs....there's a LOT of cognitive dissonance so be prepared for that, but I hope I'm breaking chinks in this person's armor....time will tell.

You DD sounds deeply sad and I'm very sorry for that.

@fridaytwattery intetesting post as a similar thing happened to my DC. The online community attacked my child for wanting to wear certain colours and cosmetics. I told them they were free to wear exactly what they liked. That was absolutely not gendered. They started to become more feminine and as a previous poster said the calls for medical intervention stopped. My DC has had their birth certificate for two years, their inheritance the same. The only thing they stick to is the male name among their friends. Last week they were called pretty by a heterosexual fellow student who my DC was quick to tell that she wasn't gay. She is attracted to men and had a boyfriend until recently.
I am still hoping someone will come along who helps her understand that she can be a woman but like male pastimes and dress how she pleases. We called this feminism. I find the way this has been pushed on teens by the trans community sinister. My two former mtf employees would have never have acted th way these 'glitter families' do. Both gentle souls.

Hi @ExhaustedMargi both my dds identified as boys between the ages of 12 and 16. They are both ND. Dd2's school also insisted on changing her name against our wishes. We knew both weren't trans and had to resist pressure from the GP to go on the gids pathway and from our dds to use their new names/pronouns/wear binders. They both cut their hair short and wore 'boys' clothes. It has been terrifying but we're out the other side now so hang in there with the watchful waiting. Bayswater is a great source of support.

Hello,
I wanted to invite parents to an important public meeting about 'What's wrong with the government's sex and gender education. Let kids be kids'.
In Edinburgh this coming Monday November 6, 6.30 at Lauriston Hall.
See link here
https://www.eventbrite.co.uk/e/let-kids-be-kids-whats-wrong-with-govt-sex-and-gender-education-tickets-737844642187?aff=oddtdtcreator

Maybe worth making a new thread, Marianka?

Thanks for the Idea. I am new here. How do I do it? Many thanks.

Got that. Thanks. Just not sure how to choose mums in Edinburgh... Thank you. 🙂

When you're on the main board click 'add thread' and one should pop up.

You could put a post up on Scotsnet, too.

A friend has a daughter who identified as male from 14 or 15 then stopped after a year at uni when she was 19. Used male name but never interested in medical transition and didn't try to present as male especially. Friend was supportive and relaxed about it, as far as I can tell, didn't make a big deal, just used name and pronouns.

I think the main thing is whether he is happy? Does he have friends? Doing OK at school? (sounds like maybe not). Any interest in medical treatment or fine with social transition?

My oldest (15) has identified as non binary for nearly 2 years now but it seems a positive outlet for them and they have interests beyond their gender identity (although LGBTQ+ stuff is big for them as well). Their first friend to ID as non binary seems to have gone back to using her original name after a few years and I'm presuming isn't identifying as NB anymore.

But I agree offering love and support is best- we are what I call 'sceptically supportive' of DC in that we encourage them to think critically about issues; that when they see stories on social media affirming someone's surgery, hormones or whatever to be mindful that just because something might be the right solution for one person doesn't necessarily mean it's the answer for someone else; when they've mentioned possibly feeling silly if their identity changes we've said that's fine and no one will think less of them and this is the age to try out what's right for them. DH reckons they'll stop being NB at some point, I'm not sure. One way or another I think they will keep the name they have chosen - which is luckily a very nice fairly classic gender neutral name and honestly suits them better than their given one.

Rugbyballhead· 19/02/2023 14:38

I wonder about making doctors liable. I mean, if they're doing something to try to save a life and it goes wrong, or they prescribe an antibiotic and the patient is allergic - without previous episode - then I don't think they should be sued.

On puberty blockers, do many of them actually even know? We've seen / heard what the pushers have said:

"No side effects. It's temporary. It's all reversible."

It turns out that some of them knew perfectly well that it was all false. I suppose"lesser" doctors may have believed what they were told and prescribed them, but in my opinion, that doesn't absolve them of blame. They should have been curious enough to research, before prescribing.

No, I think that those ones deserve to be sued and struck off.

Hi OP,

Thank you for sharing your experience. May I ask what the situation is now, a couple of years later? I now find myself in the same situation with my 16 year old identifying as ftm.

And sterilisation.