Trans identifying teens- HELP

[ExhaustedMargi]

I wanted to ask if anyone here has/had a teenage girl identifying as a trans boy during their teens 13-19 that then decided to return to their original gender. My kid is 15 and has been identifying as trans since the onset of puberty ( like thousands are now) and although I have allowed them to transition socially I'm withholding any other intervention until they are an adult in the hope that this too shall pass. I'm torn in two. the supportive mum in the daylight and the grieving mother at night. It is exhausting. This is all accompanied with depression, social anxiety and a lot of missed school days for my kid. I'm at my wits end, NOT a transphobe but a concerned parent that just feels deep inside that my kid got caught in the gender politics cross fire, via the internet and social media, at a very young age to understand it. It's like a hear a parrot reciting the lexicon of lgbtq+ terminology.
Anyone with similar experience and some hope?

That’s horrific.

one of the episodes of Gender: a wider lens is about rowing back on social transition, and basically says it’s not too late. They also interviewed (in a different episode) a mother who took her daughter back to her home country for a while to reconnect with her roots and the daughter desisted while there. Hope you can get some support.

You come across as incredibly naive. You talk about a double masectomy and "bottom surgery" and then tell OP not to worry because they'll "be okay"? I suggest you read up a bit on the consequences of the medication and surgery - it's deeply scary stuff. If one of my DDs went in that direction I'd consider it a tragedy.

And why this trust in doctors? Who are wrecking young people's lives for money and woke points. Would you happily see your daughter medicated and operated on when no research has been done on the consequences? And when we know that so much of the surgery is unsuccessful and causes permanent problems?

My daughter started it at 13 due to a NB teacher. She grew out of it for about 18 months and is now starting all the shit again because of a new friend she's made in the year above her who it's trans.
My nephew is also saying he is trans now.

It's everywhere like a bloody virus.

If you want detransition stories just go to youtube and type in the search "detrans story". I have to warn you, it's horrifying and heartbreaking.

There is also a forum on reddit called r/detrans. Same warning applies.

Keep your child far away from the "medicine" because a lot of lawsuits are in the works for the next couple of years in every country that has pushed this nonsense. If you are interested here are two adult trans people talking about transitioning kids.

My dd came out as gay at 12, and non binary at 13, changed name to a gender neutral one and pronouns to them / they at home & school. Had a girlfriend for 2 years. Lots of issues with depression & self harm.
Now, at nearly 16, has decided to go back to she/her, her original name and has a boyfriend. She is happy and very grounded.
I know non-binary is not as far a leap as trans and although she wanted to breast bind for a while she never talked about any medical interventions. She is now able to reflect on the last few years and the significant role social media played in both the gender and self harm. The need it created to feel like she belonged.

Forgot to add the link (oops)

Sooooo. My daughter is saying shes trans too for last year and a bit.

School changed her name and gender without even discussing with us. The teacher actually approached her but wasn't even aware of her MH issues which are as follows;

ADHD (diagnosed)
ASC with PDA (getting assessed for but we scored very highly in pre assesment, but meds for adhd more important)
Early life trauma issues
Attachment disorder
Pyschosis issues
Self harm
Suicide attempts

So they can change her gender without talking to us but they have to ring us to give her a paracetamol!!
We feel she is slowly coming out of it but like most admitting she's wrong is the hardest part

Anyone on this thread that has a teenager who's trans I'm going to make a sweeping generalisation and I'd be very interested if I'm wrong

I would almost guarantee the following

It's FTM
Child has ASC
Child is white
Child is from a more than likely from a middle class background
They use tiktok 🤣

My child is adopted and we are extreme readers of numerous teen MH issues, so please throw any questions you may have likewise I'm keen hearing other experiences

Thanks

*It's FTM
Child has ASC
Child is white
Child is from a more than likely from a middle class background

They use tiktok 🤣*

you forgot - female child is same sex attracted and uncomfortable with it, and/or child has experienced significant trauma

Long time poster, different name due to the subject matter. I have a ftm 19 year old.
5 years of different male names, sports bras, anxiety, self harm and two suicide attempts. Originally they requested surgery. I refused. My work means I know a lot of plastic surgeons none of which work in the trans surgery field. My DC was targeted from 14 by Internet activists who she no longer engages with. They saw a chance to get a highly intelligent person into their mix (loads of invites to marches etc) . When she started to be bullied online about 18 months ago she began questioning their reasoning. I don't understand why she needs to identify as ftm. She looks and speaks like a natel woman. She is attracted to men and beefy masculine ones too. She was called pretty last week at university and she took it as a compliment.
I walk on eggshells OP. I don't use her male name (only a take on it occasionally) nor do the family. She uses it at university. Two years ago she would have had our head off. She wants to birth her own children but is constantly asked if she is gay due to the clothing (including boy pants). I had to have a chat about sex yesterday as she thinks a bisexual male would want vaginal sex (highly unlikely). I have a number of gay friends and it can be a lonely life. Trans people even more so. I think it is a horrendous 'fashion' that has ruined childhoods. I have educated myself on the subject and the statistics are truly horrific. In five years we have gone from 2000 ftm medical interventions to 20,000. That is not freedom, it is cultish.
I may never get back my pink loving girlie girl but I hope to keep her away from surgery. If it gives you any hope that is what she wanted two years ago. I do hope my DC meets a kind, loving type who boosts her self esteem. She doesn't have to dress like Barbie but I want her to enjoy her feminist persona which I know is in there. She had been attacked then bullied at 12/13 and I think this is her armour. She's had therapy but everyone was too PC to point out the trauma might have given her gender dysphoria.
There are people who are truly in the wrong gender but the numbers are tiny. It has been a full time job for me to advocate and protect her. There are a lot of twisted people out there. Be there for your child. I see changes in mine. X

needhelp1970

Jeepers. I thought the school was no longer allowed to socially transition minors without parental approval. Did you challenge them?

I feel for you OP. It’s difficult.

about four years ago one man I know started to transition in his 30s. Lived as a woman, had started taking hormones, and was on the pathway to transition. He suddenly changed his mind and now he’s married to a woman and they’ve just had a baby. Turns out he was unhappy, overweight, and didn’t feel like he fitted the masculine mould.

And I think that’s part of the issue. Expectations around gender are so tight, if you’re not a stereotypical ‘girl’ it’s easier and socially acceptable amongst young people to question their gender than be themselves.

@Newnamemummy I had to have a chat about sex yesterday as she thinks a bisexual male would want vaginal sex (highly unlikely).

Eh? Why not? Or was that a typo and you meant to say wouldn't there?

Yes I did , and they said it would be the same if someone called Elizabeth wanted to referred to as Lizzy. They have to be inclusive. It feels like they openly promote it too. I'm livid and this feeling will never go, but I can do nothing about it.

I'm seeing very small chunks in her that it will change.
Shes so confused she even can't explain what sexuality she is ash goes round calling herself gay but she likes girls but how can she if she's a boy. Her younger sister has also come out as gay.

Her sister made a new friend I commented , come on then is she trans , non binary, gay or a washing machine. She said she was bi.

However as my children had early life trauma they're attracted to chaos so the only friends they have are other children from trauma.

One of my daughters went to a bbq last year. 6 of them
3 were trans , I was bi, 1 was gay and one was straight.

We live in a woke world where people are afraid to offend people. We don't affirm , we let her dress how she wants , she's cut all her hair off. But we don't do anything thst could be damaging such as a binder. The reason we don't call her by her new name is because we want her to always have that question in her head of if it's the right thing as every other adult affirms her but what she doesn't see is it's because they have to, CAMHS, Phycosis team, front door team, doctors, teachers, psychologist. They all have an obligation too.

Thing is when you ask her why she's unhappy she never mentions it's because she's trans, it's all to do with seeing things, not being able to maintain friendships etc

We know our child and we know how this is all manifested and where it comes from, however we don't push it, we're giving her the time to work it out. We can see huge changes recently but we're saying nothing as she'd just disagree and do everything she could to prove us wrong.

Time is what's needed and it seems to be winning.

If ‘doctors’ were legally liable for their decisions, even if they could pay for insurances to indemnify themselves, and were unable to hide behind the NHS covering all the damages payments for negligence, then a lot of ‘doctors’ would choose education and caution over just doing whatever was trendy to do at the time.

I‘d suggest we allow ‘doctors’ personally to be sued by citizens, and see how many are willing to make life changing decisions on behalf of children if they know their homes and savings were discoverable and subject to seizure in a multi-million pound lawsuit.

Doctors hide behind anonymity and the untouchability of the NHS shield of immunity, and that is the problem.

I think it’s just that I’m terrible with the written word!
I suppose I’m thinking of it as op is worrying that their kid won’t have a happy and fulfilling life if they do make a permanent swap? I’m attempting to say that they might! I’m trying to give a balanced view so it’s not all doom and gloom. OP can do what she can to support her child and give guidance but unfortunately, ultimately it’s not her that will make the decisions once her child gets to age 18.
I only refer to doctors because they can explain exactly what medications do to the body. It could totally put the young person off the idea? I think most people don’t know exactly what happens and how it works surely? Why not get professional opinions too? There are long waiting lists too so that gives more time for thinking and maturity.
There are ways and means of making your opinions known without being really rude so please try not to be aggressive. I understand we all have very different opinions!
I’m not saying we should all go ahead with surgery etc as soon as someone says they feel like they’re the opposite sex! I just think knowledge is power and get it from professionals as well as the internet.

I suppose I’m thinking of it as op is worrying that their kid won’t have a happy and fulfilling life if they do make a permanent swap? I’m attempting to say that they might! I’m trying to give a balanced view so it’s not all doom and gloom.

I see you want to be hopeful and offer optimism. However, we don't have the evidence that people who go through permanent surgeries and hormones are better off in the long run. With the recent rapid rise of girls claiming trans, the outcomes may be very different than the small numbers of those males who were eligible under the Dutch Protocol (also being called into question) AND even what spotty follow-up we do have, several countries have decided to stop medical and social intervention because the outcomes they did have showed poor outcomes for patients. We really don't know. As a parent, how could you not worry that losing sexual and reproductive function and having other side effects like permanent vocal chord damage and high blood pressure are worth it?

I agree and although I've apparently made it seem like I'm all for surgery etc, I'm really not. Or not until someone is absolutely certain that's what they want and they're an adult anyway. I'm just all for knowledge!

@Newnamemummy it what world is it a 'lonely life' to be gay, and how come you think bisexual men won't be into vaginal sex?? What a bizarre world view.

You certainly come across as encouraging people to trust doctors to give good advice and tell the truth (evidence suggests that that's a very unwise thing to do, that many doctors simply "affirm", and that people who de-transition did not realise what they were getting themselves into, medically). You also come across as thinking that transitioning medically doesn't really have any downsides, and that it's not something parents really need to be worrying themselves about.
And at the end of the day, it's what you communicate to readers that matters. I'd again suggest that you do some reading up on medical transition, if you're going to post about it. Eg read what whistleblowing medical staff in the UK and the US have said about what is actually going on.

This website is just personal opinions isn't it? Like, I wouldn't make serious life decisions based off comments on here? It's interesting to read people's thoughts on things.
Anyway, regardless of my silly opinions etc, we seem to be going off on a tangent and not focussing on OP anymore so I apologise for how I've come across and not been helpful to op! Good luck and I hope there's a happy resolution for you and your family!

@needhelp1970
I know you know this but for the benefit of lurkers. Only the courts can remove parental rights / responsibilities. Schools do not have the legal power to do this. Parents of children in care of the state still retain parental rights and must be consulted about all decisions.

The idea that schools can act outside the law and make decisions about a child changing sex is one of the biggest lies that has been sold to schools by trans activist groups. The only reason this hasn't been challenged in the courts is because every outraged parent has a vulnerable child caught up in this - putting your vulnerable child at the centre of a court case is so difficult, and so schools persist.

DD identifies as a transman. All I can say is that since they turned 18 the pressure on us to get things done has fallen away. Now that the decisions are all theirs there has been very little forward movement.

In July last year the GP made a referral to the gender clinic - there's a 4 year waiting list. Initially there was a lot of pressure for us to go private and get the surgery for her so that it was done quickly. It's not mentioned any more.

Changing her name by deed poll - lots of pressure pn us to do that but once she turned 18 nothing has been mentioned.

LGBTQ+ propaganda in her room. All tidied away never mentioned. I asked after the transflag that has recently disappeared. She no longer likes the colours(!)

Two major things happened over the past 6 months or so. She broke up with her female partner, which caused huge fallout among their friends, and has started a relationship with a male partner. She has changed the people she socialises with and they have a broader take on life.

This is only our experience and for everyone it will be different. But I remain hopeful that is has been a phase and we are now reaching the beginning of the end.

She is now getting MH support - another thing that happened once she turned 18. CAMHS were absolutely useless - of three referrals none got past the initial assessment. Two of those referrals were by the GP who couldn't understand why a self-harming, suicidal person with eating disorders, was not being treated. She was unable to do any more than refer to a local charity for counselling support.

There are some issues that I think can be tackled by further MH treatment and support. Agree with PP that the trans issue has been used as a kind of armour, a way of fitting in, and of teenage rebellion.

I hope you find a way through OP. It's been bloody hard work but maintaining boundaries and keeping communication open has really helped. Good luck.

Don't you remember what you were like as a teen? Can you confidently say you are exactly the same now? The human brain does not fully develop until the age of 25 on average. It's natural to question the nature of reality as you grow up, but it's the responsibility of the adults you trust to provide an anchor and share their experiences.