What happened to my gay friend?

[waterwitch]

Through school I was aware of a boy at a neighbouring school. He was clever, loud, vivacious, and very proudly gay, the ‘life and soul’, everyone loved him - boys, girls, teachers & parents. I got to know him a bit better in 6th form, when we did charity work together. He was kind and funny and really energetic. I really admired him.

Several years later…
Last week I ran into them again (new pronouns) and we had coffee. They are half the size they used to be, all wide staring eyes and nervous gestures. Their only topic of conversation was trans rights. They identify as non-binary, or maybe a transwoman, because of feelings they’ve had ‘since they were a tiny child’.

They are distraught about the treatment of transwomen by men, and determined that the way to address this is for transwomen to be fully accepted as women (by women - no suggestion that men’s behaviour should change, more a suggestion that abuse by men confirms they are real women 😱). Mention of providing safety via a third space brings a venomous attack on women for not accepting TWAW. Any suggestion that predatory men may pretend to be trans to access women’s spaces was brushed aside because they argue anyone who says they are TW are, and nobody should judge on looks and TW are no danger to women…

The conversation was mostly a highly emotional run through of well-debunked points

• ‘intersex’ - their term,
• most vulnerable group in society, so should have additional rights
• only attack on any woman by TW was by Karen White - who isn’t TW anyway, so doesn’t count)

Any challenge raised the emotional temperature still more

The one glimmer of understanding I did get was that they seemed to have had a desperate need to be accepted as a man, BY MEN while not presenting in line with ‘society’s expectation’ of what a man is. The young women around them had always accepted them for what they are. Ergo, they must be a woman (or non- binary - tbc)

I was so shocked by how ill, and frankly unhinged this person looked and sounded. I am furious that they have been led down this rabbit-hole, trapped into hormone treatment and will quite likely go on to have surgery. It seemed like such a waste that the hugely charismatic, talented gay guy from school was now living like this. I am so sad

I remember reading about a theory, some time ago now, before things blew up with gender ideology, that suggested that one of the factors with gay male transexuals was in some cases that they were not especially attracted to gay men, but were romantically and sexually interested in straight men. Which caused issues in forming a solid sense of sexual identity, because our sexual identity isn't just about our own attraction but exists in relation to the attractions of the object of desire.

I think that is true of everyone to some degree or another and is why teenagers are so influenced by the sexual ideals they think are held by, usually, the opposite sex. With more maturity and experience that abates somewhat, but even adults can feel it as a pressing issue at times. That can look a little different for anyone is is attracted to members of the same sex, but if you are attracted to people who will almost certainly never be attracted to you, it's a real problem - there is this strong need to be something other than what you are. And so you potentially end up dysphoric if you can't come to terms with the problem and form an integrated personality.

That’s the question that will reveal their true belief as you cannot fool your sexual urge. I’m sure there are some (ie. a very small amount) who would say yes, but the vast majority would say no as they don’t see them as men.