Guardian: Ask Phillipa Husband wants to be a woman.

[WarriorN]

She's on the fence but tactfully says run for the hills?

I wonder whether she had to shove the first para in.

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2022/nov/06/ask-philippa-perry-my-husband-wants-to-be-a-woman-but-will-he-be-happier?CMP=ShareiOSAppp_Other

All her other columns have comments open. Not this one, of course.

She could have added the trans widows website of course. But hasn't.

I love Philippa Perry and I think this is an excellent answer.

I didn't get past the blurb. Is it really worth reading? Does it even mention the aspect of men dressing as a form of self-desire?

It’s a good answer I think.

The editor would likely have closed comments regardless of whether she also asked for that.

I think if you are that interested it’s quicker to read if than ask for reports.

I think that's a great answer.

I was quite pleased to see she immediately cut through to the fact that the husband isn't considering his wife in his decision making.

Insightful.

Phillips also mentions that in many cultures the wife subjugates her feelings in favour of her husbands, so I'd have been tempted to advise the woman tells her husband to subjugate his own feelings for a year or two to get a taste of what being a woman is all about. It's not just fishnets and lacy bras after all, truly living as a woman in this country involves putting yourself last in so many ways.

I think it's a great answer.Neatly sidesteps the trans issue, and encourages the woman to consider herself.

Blimey that was brutal, can't believe they published such a letter.

Great answer. I loved the final point, about identity. Really got to heart of it.

Surprised by what a good answer it was. She was quite right to encourage this poor woman to focus on herself and what she actually wants out of life. Her marriage sounds absolutely wretched

Yes, I think it is a good answer from that perspective. The reality is it doesn't really matter much whether its booze, drugs, an alter ego or an expensive, mysterious and time consuming hobby. Some will be more devastating than others, of course, and some will be seen as more acceptable, but they are all really about one person prioritising their needs and wants over everyone else in the household's.

Such a good answer, quite moving really. Clever woman to get to the heart of it without falling into any 'traps'.
Grayson Perry was in guardian q and a years ago (maybe 10-12 years?) and touched on the transgender issue by saying that gender identity, like all identity is co constructed and you can't just 'assert' you are something and expect that's how people see you. That's central to a lot of this- expecting to be able to control how other people see you and think of you.

Thank you, I'll read it. I find it quite an upsetting subject, especially when the thing-we-can't-say-here is ignored in plain sight and women are given tips on how to manage their own bigotry and their husband's new needs. I genuinely find it distressing.

That was a beautifully compassionate answer from Philippa. Truly, women really do deserve to put ourselves first at times, not accept being shoved aside for others.

I thought that was a really good answer. In fact it is a good answer for other things. Women are too often encouraged to forget our own needs, our own thoughts and feelings, and focus on others; to disconnect from who we are and seek permission, giving away our personal power.

We need to observe what we feel, think and experience first and foremost, instead of rushing to make everything about others.

PP was very delicate and skilful in saying LTB

this is interesting

do you think the letter or the reply was brutal?

I thought the answer was humane and constructive, without getting caught up in the politics that surrounds all this.

I'd have liked to see her sign post to transwidows voices though. it would be good for this woman to have a clear idea of what the future may hold for her if she stays

The first paragraph seemed a bit shoehorned in but I thought the rest of the response was brilliantly written.

Great answer, I'll have to look out for her in the future.

it's worth bearing in mind that Grayson Perry is her husband

I suspect that both of them have some pretty disordered views around sex and gender, Grayson in particular. however, that does not stop her being a humane, caring person, and I think that shows in this answer

I think this is a good response, I do like Phillipa.

Greyson Perry did a documentary on Channel 4 in the 2000s where he discussed being a transvestite and how humans can't change sex, no matter how much they want too. He even gets a transwoman to admit this.......

The programme is now "forbidden " you can only view it in Europe.

Bonkers eh?

Greyson admits the fetishism aspect for him. These men exist and as long as they don't trample on women's rights and spaces, then live and let live. That's what I think anyway.....*ducks to avoid incoming anger

I like him. I like Phillipa and her advice is spot on.

<desperately tries not to discuss a man on a thread about two women>

<fails>

I like that GP is honest about his motivations

I don't like that he takes his fetish out in public and to places where he's in a position of authority, like St Martins. Although I'm not sure he still does this.

I feel bad for her though. I think it is humiliating to have a husband being so public with his sexual fetish. I remember seeing him claiming the Turner Prize - looking ridiculous, while she seemed so supportive. It made me feel really weird and uncomfortable at the time, it made her look a bit of a mug and I didn’t like it.

Even though I really like Grayson Perry - he is so thoughtful and insightful and I love his art, I resent it that he has played a major role in normalising men indulging their sexual fetishes in public.

It’s the slippery slope to ‘whole self to work’ rubberwank man at the NSPCC being shocked and surprised that anyone would think he was doing anything wrong.

Actually, I remember always feeling uncomfortable about EI being a transvestite too - I thought it was a gimmick to make his act stand out, so I squashed that discomfort down, but it made me uneasy. Why the need to share it with your audience?