CAHMs therapist using trans name for DD

[kinfauns]

My 14 yr old DD is undergoing assessment for autism with CAHMs. We had our first appointment recently. My DD has recently told me she believes she is trans. I am aware that many children with autism identify as trans. My child has very black and white thinking - her reasoning is that she feels she doesn't fit in with the girls, therefore she must be a boy. I am GC and have been gently trying to explain that just because she doesn't conform to gender stereotypes, doesn't mean she is a boy.

The assessment consisted of a conversation (10 mins) with both of us together, then the therapist had a separate conversation with DD followed by a separate conversation with me. Following the conversation with DD, the therapist then referred to her by her trans name and pronouns in her conversation with me. I was not happy with this and said so at the time (my DD was not in the room).

We are now at the next stage of the assessment - filling in forms and a follow-up appointment - and the email I have been sent refers to DD by her new trans name and pronouns.

I really want to continue with the assessment - I believe my DD has high-functioning autism and a diagnosis would be useful to her now and later in life. However, I am very wary of the instant affirmation of her new identity. Has anyone else experienced this? Should I carry on with the assessment? We looked at going private but it is horrendously expensive.

Been going through CAMHS for a few years and if you are on their radar stick with it. It took me about 4 years to get them to assess my child and for a long while now they have been emailing me almost weekly about groups, help and appointments. Finally feel supported. Though my sons mental health has actually nose dived since they've been involved thinking about it.... don't think it's them though.

My son didn't speak to a therapist when they diognosed him with autism op.

Exactly what our private therapist does. Uses her given name when talking to me but in sessions with DD just doesn't use a name at all.

Is her real name triggering in some way? I agree with you about the pronouns but I'm torn on the name. I have a name no one has ever used, from birth my family used a short form of the name which I hated with a passion, when I started senior school I said my name was something else, school were happy with that but my parents were puzzled. I'm 70 next year and my siblings still insist on the name I hate and I find it really upsetting. When my parents died they had never used the name I choose to be known by.

I won't give my name but think if I was named Frances and my family insist on calling me Fanny and I want to be called Fran. I think it is disrespectful to call me a name I find distressing.

Nothing to do with transitioning in my case although the shortening I choose to use is a name that men and women use.

Sasha Ayad (Inspired teen therapy on twitter and very worth following) said she just uses surnames to be neutral.

I'd ensure forms and paperwork has the actual name on, but wouldn't see the issue with the therapist using their chosen name, otherwise as has been said its going to be a battle and the sessions are likely to be wasted.

Thanks all for the replies.

Just want to add a bit re: DD’s name. Up until year 9, she loved her name. Would comment on how much she liked it. Then earlier this year, announced she is trans and wants to be called by different name / pronouns. We came to a compromise and I said I would call her by her childhood nickname rather than her legal name. She agreed with this. We haven’t changed her pronouns at home but we try to avoid using names and pronouns.

I want to also add that she doesn’t push the trans agenda - she asked for a binder, I said no and she has accepted this. Same with the name change. It makes me think she does actually need these boundaries. Thankfully she has never mentioned suicide or self harm.

This is why I am worried if medical professionals start to encourage something which I feel is not a massive issue for her at the moment. I have told her that is she decides to pursue the transition route as an adult, we will always love and support her.

kinfauns I just wanted to say you sound like a brilliant mum. Loving, sensible and caring. All the best.

You sound like you are doing brilliantly op.

I expect you already have all the usual contacts and support services so I won’t repeat them.
There is a good Facebook group for gender sceptical parents of trans identifying kids/teens too.

if I were you (and our situations are very similar) I would try and make an appointment for a telephone chat with someone at CAMHS to find out exactly what the next steps are and who your daughter will be talking to and for what purpose. If it’s just the ADOS-2 assessment and the paperwork will record your daughter’s legal name I would probably go ahead (especially if the staff member you speak to seems to take your concerns seriously. Perhaps you can pull them back to using your agreed at-home nickname/no pronouns rather than a new name that is completely outside of the realms of your daughter’s ongoing family life).

However, if you can find the money in the family budget for a private assessment that would be a reasonable option.

best of luck!

Ps this is an excellent warning article re: binders written from a pro trans perspective - one I have found useful when making the no-binder argument to people who want to dismiss you as a transphobe. Worth bookmarking for future reference!

helloclue.com/articles/cycle-a-z/chest-binding-tips-and-tricks-for-trans-men-nonbinary-and-genderfluid

That's a bit different then and affirmation doesn't sound like something she necessarily pushed herself. Its a big part in mental health support, when my brother had a psychotic break we were told to go along with his delusions as not to scare him- I'm not an expert but it seemed odd and we did the opposite to be honest and he was fine once the meds kicked in. No need to agree with him that there was a portal to hell in the bookcase.

Also (and this is general advice to anyone with a child who has a lot of contact with medical or SEN services) always ask everyone you have an appointment with to write down their full name, job title and email address. Keep a record of when you saw them in a binder with the letters and assessments (never give anyone your copy of anything, let them make a photocopy and hand the original straight back).

you never know when the info might be needed, sometimes 2,3 years down the line you need an extra bit of evidence for an application and no idea how to generate it.

That’s very good advice
Wish I’d met you sooner!