Is there any sensible advice on how to parent tomboys in the current climate?

[Neithhotep]

I have a 10-year old daughter. Short hair, plays football, wears her brother's hand-me-downs, don't think she owns a dress.

Over the next few years, as she and her peers get access to social media, she will be inundated with the suggestion that SHE MIGHT BE A BOY. Her peers will suggest it. Her teachers and authority figures will support it. She will get her period and her body will start to change and she will be asked if she's comfortable with the changes, because if not, she might be a boy! What young teen would be strong minded enough to say no?

I feel as though my baby is about to run a gauntlet, and I'm not completely sure how to parent her through it.

The fact that you use the word "cis" tells me everything I need to know about this comment.

I’m another one who never uses the works TomBoy - I was called it as a kid because I was active, sporty, had lots of boy friends but hated it. I didn’t see myself as that at all, I was adventurous that was all and happiest in shorts because they had pockets and didn’t show your knickers when you were climbing trees!

Excellent post.

I would stop by describing her as a ''tomboy'' to start with...

Because you are implying that girls by nature can't like sports and only wear dresses. Which is ludicrous.

Your daughter is a girl who enjoys sports and has her own dress style.

It does not mean she wishes she was a boy...

Stop over-thinking it.

Just raise her to be confident, happy and follow her own interests, not as someone who should be overly concerned about whether she should wear a dress or not and conform to the ridiculous stereotypes of what a little girl should act and look like.

I actually think it is better to raise a girl who is into sports and has a mind of her own than a Kardashian-clone who is only concerned about her appearance.

My DD is a little older and not especially tomboyish (I don't mind the term, but I am middle aged) but despite her long hair and penchant for pink she is brainy, practical and not especially girly. I have been fairly vocal about the ridiculousness of the 'wrong body' concept, and while she rolls her eyes at me she is convinced it's nonsense.

What has really cemented it for her is the levels of obsession. The friends she has at school who are under the 'queer' umbrella are so one track it's ridiculous. Every school project, shoe lace, song, TV show, hobby, friend, outfit, whatever, all has to be related. They spend hours discussing oppression and flags and labels. They have to have identifying earrings and school bags. She says they are all so BORING. They have no other personality on show, can take no other opinion. It's a bit like that old sketch where the dad relates every conversation back to being Indian. No dissent is tolerated, no deviation from the subject.

Talk to your daughter about biological sex and what biological sex is, e.g. its' not 'just' about genitals as one funny and slightly dim poster suggested above. Ask her why she thinks women might be disadvantaged due to their biological sex and look at how women were treated in history (no right to vote, no right to property, could be sexually assaulted by their husband until recently) abortion issues in the states, maternity rights, sports.

Look at successful sports women, scientists, artists, politicians, professionals and explore what made their lives more challenging than male versions of these.

Tell her there is no female / male brain but that hormones can influence mood. Show her how gendered fashion and toys are and ask how she thinks this influences a developing child.

A big, huge factor is fitting in.

We are biologically hardwired to want to fit in with peers and our social groups. Girls who aren't stereotypically 'girly' (although this can change) often feel they haven't got that much in common with other girls and gravitate to boys. IME boys at school play sports and do things during break while girls from year 3 or 4 stand around chatting. Some girls find this very boring and so don't feel they fit in with their more chatty peers. That's ok.

Don't let her have access to TikTok. It's a Chinese owned SM platform. I mean, look at China, do you trust that a Chinese company has the best interest of UK teens at heart? 😂

Good luck op!

I have a semi-gender conforming DS of nearly 10 and tbh, in the last year I've started talking to him about gender ideology, trans ideology, the very real limitations of what it means to 'change' gender. And most recently, the idea of forcing other people to accept your identity even when it's at odds with reality. I'd rather never talk to him about it but kids are actually being bombarded with this ideology with cartoons like Craig of the Creek, which I'd always seen as quite a wholesome show, introducing gender ideology recently. And Steven Universe and most especially Dead End; Paranormal Park, going very hard on it. He doesn't watch those last two shows but is very aware of them. So when there is a pretty clear effort to make kids believe in this ideology, I do feel like I need to discuss it with him, to give him clear information and allow him space to think about what is being presented to him.

I also think that it's extremely important that when we teach our kids that males are faster and stronger than females from puberty onwards, that we also make sure that we don't just make being female sound like the shitty end of the stick. We have stronger immune systems, much better ultra-endurance levels, faster recovery times and longer life-spans. There are pros and cons to being either sex and as a species our different advantages compliment each other and are part of why we are so successful.

There was a Twitter thread somewhere that said this is LGBT fandom, which I thought was a good way of describing it.

@HPFA it really is! I was telling her about how, in the late 80's / early 90's my peers all separated ourselves out according to music styles and fashion, but spent hours discussing other things and she was a bit sad that school is nothing like that now. There's a very diverse cultural blend in her school but for fairly middle of the road white kids it seems everything is LGBTQLMNOP or bust.

Whoever I quoted upthread (sorry) has the right of it though. I listen to these girls and they are so inwards, so self obsessed, and most of it is being pushed by the internet. They do endless quizzes and games about themselves, relate everything back to themselves, take thousands of pictures of themselves. Exacerbated of course by interminable lockdowns and seeing most faces in masks for months on end. If you can get shot of the internet, it's masses of the battle.

@HPFA I think there's something very key here in the idea that this is LGBT fandom with teens. Teenage girls especially having an obsessive interest that occupies their every waking moment is a normal part of teen brain development. This looks so, so similar to that in many ways. Huge feelings that no-one else can possibly understand, special clothes/pencil cases/other equipment, forming tribes based on their particular obsession, special language. It's all there.

“reduce people to genitals”? FFS

I disagree that ‘trans issues are barely talked about in schools’ … that’s not my, or my children's experience at all! It’s talked about incessantly! My younger child has been swept up in it as she isn’t a naturally ‘girly girl’ so there’s been all kinds of confusion where she has to say she’s a girl etc I have no advice for the original poster other than keep talking to your daughter and try your best to ensure she’s as comfortable in her own skin as possible- it’s hard. My older daughter has been bullied for being heterosexual - it’s a minefield x