I think GTA is misogynistic and I will not have it played in my house. Ex and ds disagree. Help

[ShadeSail]

Ds is 14, and has been asking for 2 years to get GTA. Obviously it is a 16 game so it's a flat no, but I've told him even when he's old enough if he living at home I won't have it played in my house.

Ds is with ex right now, and ex has installed it on ds computer there. He said he knew nothing about it, I explained that aside from ds being too young, I didn't like the element that female non-player characters can be beaten up, raped and killed by the (often male) player and I think it's misogynistic. Ex says it isn't, because male NPC can also be beaten up and killed. My view is that, given the society we live in, where violence against women and girls is rife and normalised, and violent porn is the norm, it is irrelevant that male
NPC are also there to be beaten and killed. Also I don't think there is the sexual element re. Male NPC.

I haven't played it - just read about it. So I guess it's possible I'm being reactionary?

Would welcome any more articulate explanations of what is wrong with it (or telling me why I'm wrong - if I am)

Ex is an abusive arsehole - so it's not at all surprising that he disagrees with me and I may well not be able to change his mind, but I'm more interested in how to discuss it with ds so that he gets some balance from his awful fathers attitude.

You can't control what goes on at your ex's.
You've stated your case. He either agrees or disagrees.

I'm a bloke and I was shocked at how misogynistic it was. I fail to see the entertainment value of beating up 'hoes'.

My DSs are adults now but were keen gamers as teens. GTA was the hill I would die on. I allowed CoD and other violent games but I draw the line at killing women for entertainment.

My DS are adults now but I also banned GTA from the house. Like you I had never played it but had heard all about it. I was also asked by an 8 year old visitor once why we didn’t have it as he had the game at home! So when one of my sons went to uni he bought it and played it there.

I am not sure I did the right thing in banning it, perhaps it would have been better had I let him have it, and then had discussions around why I (and his Dad who backed me up) dislike it so much? I don’t know, it became like forbidden fruit, I don’t think he plays it now, was a novelty and I don’t think my other son has ever played it. It’s a tough one and be interesting to see others thoughts.

DH and I also have banned GTA from our DC.
I don’t agree it is misogynistic as it doesn’t encourage only or even most violence against women and girls.
It does glorify criminal violence against everyone, male or female, young or old. It’s equal opportunity solve every problem with murder and mayhem.
So that’s why I have banned it. Because it matters just as much that men/boys are being killed by criminal violence as much as women/girls.

You can't control what your ex does, but you absolutely can ban it from your house - mine are younger so GTA is way off, but there's a couple of games they've asked for (eg. Kick the Buddy) which I've told them a flat no to - I don't like the idea, I don't like what happens in the game, and they can't have it. I will do the same for GTA if it's still a thing when they're old enough.

I have banned it. DS is 15 and has no interest in playing it but I have told him it will not come into the house. DH hates all video games so supports my ban - for my feminist reasons and the wrecking DS’s brain reasons.

we need to be strong and have boundaries - I wouldn’t let my DC use cocaine at home - they might try it somewhere when they go to college but they know I disagree with it - kids need to know your boundaries and as a society we need to get tougher on the constant push to make VAW and sexual violence something we should accept and ‘get over’.

ignore your ex - say no to the game in your home.

I dont like the idea of banning things. It tends to backfire and encourage it even more. Your DS will have access to much much worse than GTA in his life on a daily basis, he already has access to it a his dads. Are you going to take his mobile phone off him? Are you going to take the TV remote off him? Are you going to disconnect all internet use? Some of the porn he can access would give you nightmares.

At the end of the day when my son asked about GTA (I hate it to be honest) i asked who he knew that played it. He rhymed off a list of his pals and they are all generally nice lads. I sat with him and discussed the issues i had with it and he basically said he understood and that he just wanted to be involved with his pals online. He got it. He played the games and he put it away. He didnt change and neither did his pals.

Each to their own but i expect you banning it may make it even more of a draw for him to play it elsewhere.

I think in story mode lots of it is properly iffy.
When playing in social mode, it is what you make of it.
Lots of shooting people, obviously.

wp.me/p3sFyT-1f
Blog post for folk who might want to know details.

Banned in my house too, my sons are 19 and 16. I don't care how old they are, in my house it is a firm no.

Yes - I have told him this, but he asked me why I didn't want ds playing it because he had installed it without knowing anything at all about it. I explained and he says it's not because men are beaten up and killed too. As I said in my op, I'm more interested in discussing it with ds and helping him to see the issues with it, because ex is almost certainly a lost cause.

Yes my ex has it at his house too (my older son lives there and plays it). It's banned at mine.

My younger children are away so my 17yo daughter has tried to bring it back to our house. It's just horrible! (luckily, she prefers the Sims). Sadly you can't control what your exH does I'm afraid. My ex actually bought it for my younger son for Christmas one year - I had to confiscate it. He must have been 8 or 9. Stupid man.

Thanks @SuperLoudPoppingAction I am part way through that write up and already feeling fully justified in my view of the game. I will send it to his dad.

As an aside - ds is autistic and tends to believe things he sees on a screen are ok because he's seen them on a screen. His current internet access is monitored and I know that he is not looking at porn. He also tends to talk to me about whatever he's watching, and doesn't hold back if it's something a bit dodgy. He also has a tendency to become obsessed with video games and be heavily influenced by their content.

I know that banning it at home won't stop him playing elsewhere. But for the reasons above, and as others say - maintaining boundaries - I think it is the right choice for us. I hope that by discussing the problems in the game with ds he will be equipped to be more critical and intelligent in his own assessment whenever he does come across it.

My friend, who was a prison warden says they let the inmates play GTA. He wondered if it was such a good idea since they were dealing with people who sometimes had difficulty separating fiction from reality.

I think it's awful and wouldn't allow it.

As far as being misogynistic, you could argue I think that it simply has no respect for anyone, of any sex. It presents people as if they are just potential victims of a psychopath.

It maybe gets confusing because we are more used to things like games of war, airplane bomber mission games, that sort of thing, which feels different but also include violence. Whereas you really can only have rape and mugging and assault in a criminal scenario. But there is a reason that killing as soldier under orders isn't illegal but even as a soldier rape and murder and theft are.

Ban it by all means but he'll play at his friend's or dad's instead

Yep - not allowed in this household either. Ds felt a bit hard done by when he was younger and 'all' his friends played it, but now he's older understands my reasons why and doesn't feel he missed out on anything. I was shocked about how young the kids were playing it, from age 8/9 upwards - bonkers!

I really agree with this analogy.

All my four lads have played GTA once they got old enough and probably still do. My DS still at home is autistic and in his 20s. As well as a myriad of violent computer games he also likes manga and anime which can be quite sexualised and he watches stuff on YouTube & films which make my hair curl. He probably sneaks a look at porn when I'm not looking. None of which I approve of, and I let him know it in the strongest terms and explain why. But my life's too short and too busy to monitor him and I have never banned any of this stuff from our house. Give them advice, set them guidelines, explain why you care and then let them learn for themselves.

Those saying he will play it at friends anyway. Of course it's true but I don't think that's a good enough reason for allowing a game you heartily disapprove of in the house.
My DC's friends were playing age inappropriate games for years before I allowed them. I didn't ban all violent games and with the benefit of hindsight I think I got it about right. My DC are perfectly well adjusted adults now. They never pushed too hard for GTA because I made it clear it was not negotiable. They laugh about it now and would be even stricter with their own DC.

ds is autistic and tends to believe things he sees on a screen are ok because he's seen them on a screen.
However my DC are not autistic. That makes a huge difference IMO as regards any kind of gaming.
In your case OP I would be using that as the reason why he shouldn't be allowed to view violent games in general if he is less able to differentiate fantasy from reality.

My DH plays it. It's no reflection on his thoughts on women. It's just an easy to play game.

FIFA on the other hand... I'd ban that if I could. He's normally very laid back but it gives him the rage. I actually told him to turn it off a couple of time because I was sick of listening to him swearing and shouting like a teenager. He's stopped playing it altogether now. I mentioned it in work and two of the men I work with said they get irrationally angry when playing FIFA.

Even if you ban the game they're likely to watch other people playing on Twitch and Youtube and with the live chat/comments there the misogyny is probably more extreme than if they were playing on their own.

I think the “they will do it anyway somewhere else” is a weak “can I please be your friend” parents cop out. Same as those that encourage underage drinking at home. It’s good to have clear boundaries in your home if they chose to do it somewhere else that’s up to them but it may give them pause for thought.

The good news is the makers of GTA have announced that the next one will no longer “punch down” so you only need wait until 2025-ish