Dd says she is Trans

[54isanopendoor]

My Dd is 14. She is Autistic. She is in a mainstream school but only managed 50% of the time last year (officially on the timetable) & also suffers from Anxiety and fatigue (put down to long Covid). She has elective mutism as part of her Dx.
We moved here a year ago.
She has input from an Autism support worker (from the local 'special school' as it is referred to). I don't know what this covers although it;s every week for 1hr.
I am in Scotland...

She told me at Christmas that she 'was gay'. I said: 'thank you for telling me, I am glad you feel you can talk to me'. Her brother is also Autistic. He is 18, great with her & she has talked to him too. Her Dad left us last year. She has told him but not really talked to him (he is not easy to talk to for any of us). she has just made 2 friends, both of whom have just 'come out' to their parents. They are buying each other 'gay' badges, but also kitten / penguin / badger badges too.

It's all fine. She is working out who she is. I am happy about that.

BUT: last week I had a phone call from the Autism worker. At around 5.45pm just as I was wrestling with some roast chicken for dinnner. She announced: 'Adam approached me today & told me he wants his name changed on the Register'. Given she hadn't used my name at the beginning of the call I said: sorry, this is Y's Mum speaking...'. She then said 'oh, so he's not felt able to share with you - I take it you're not supportive then? WE explained to Adam that the process is that now he has disclosed we will offer support when he writes a letter'.
I said: 'me or the child?' (my child is very dyslexic)
She said: 'Adam doesn't need your support. This is just a courtesy call - we have judged he is in the age band that doesn't need consent'.

So, I've spoken to my child who says she asked her friends to call her Adam and that she thinks she's trans & wants to be a boy. I said that she was born a girl but she can call herself Adam if she chooses and dress like her brother & its all fine.

My worry is that she is being led either down a path she doesn't understand (at 14, with Autism) OR she is travelling quicker down that path than she needs to.

She wants to go to a Pride March later in the month. I said fine - you can go with me or with your Brother. She pulled a face. I said Not on you own (she's 14 & ASD). Not happy. But she's 14 & Autistic. I went on CND marches alone at that age & the crowd / Police can be scary. She just refused to come to a Jubilee thing as it was 'too busy'. She doesn't like public transport. When stressed she CANT ask for help due to her Mutism.

Sorry for vent. Just worried for her.

www.bayswatersupport.org.uk/

Hi OP, I don't have any personal experience to help you but the Bayswater group comes highly recommended. It's for parents of children who declare a trans identity, but it's not driven by trans ideology.

Hope you get some more personal support along soon, but just know you aren't alone here.

I’m not sure I can offer any useful advice. Just wanted to say that I can see how difficult a situation this is. On the one hand you want to be supportive of your child on the other hand the fact her only friends are also ‘coming out’ suggests she could be relating to a sense of belonging rather than being ‘trans’ herself.

Has she said why she thinks she’s a boy? Can you unPick that with her or will she not be open to it?

Oh dear. Poor child. Stupid adults.

Love and support her through the challenges of growing up, the upset of dad leaving, set boundaries as they help show love , love for who she is not sone fiction which will matter most in the end

Well that support worker sounds a bit crap

This is just a courtesy call - we have judged he is in the age band that doesn't need consent'.

Challenge this. Ability to consent is not based on age alone. If they aren't taking into account that she is autistic they are failing in their duty of care because she is more vulnerable and may not have the capacity to truly consent despite her age.

If they are saying this they dont understand the concept of consent and gillick competance... They are a safeguarding risk.

I'd also be worried about the support worker. Helping a child socially transition is not a neutral act, it has consequences.

As others have said Bayswater support. Support your child but don't make a big deal out of it, and closely monitor their internet use.

So sorry OP. As ItsAllGoingToBeFine says, transitioning children is not a neutral act. And unqualified adults waving the flag for trans activists are as RedToothBrush states, a serious safeguarding risk.

www.transgendertrend.com/teenager-says-theyre-transgender/

I think I'd be concerned about the support worker's attitude to consent as per the previous posts, but also the attitude that because your DD hadn't spoken to you yet about her thoughts on her identity, that you were immediately categorised as "unsupportive"! That's outrageous. I would be speaking to the school about the unnecessarily combative assumptions being made by that support worker, and want to find out more about this person's training and expertise.

A bit?

she sounds dreadful

They way this has been handled sounds almost like they are deliberately trying to alienate your child from you by creating the idea that you are hostile. This is a safeguarding risk in itself.

They should not be making assumptions of this nature. This is dangerous. It could be trying to actively isolate your daughter from parental support. This places her at risk of exploitation if she is told you are unsupportive as it removes her safety net from parents.

That support worker is an idiot.

No, don’t let her go to Pride. There are clearly factors that might be driving this that need proper exploration, not unquestioning affirmation.

They way this has been handled sounds almost like they are deliberately trying to alienate your child from you by creating the idea that you are hostile. This is a safeguarding risk in itself.

Absolutely this, it's very concerning.

Please don't let this turn into a battle with your child about "trans ideology". They need you more than ever. Whatever is going on you need them to feel they can safely be open with you.

Regarding pride, is there a trusted auntie or uncle who would agree to take your child?

I’m sorry OP, the world has gone mad and instead of treating the reasons why, children feel like this, adults who should know better throw safeguarding to the wind in favour of affirming the new ‘gender’

There is too much evidence of girls with autism stating they are trans to ignore, regardless of what trans activists say.

Girls in particular are prone to social contagion. A friends daughter was in a friendship group where one of them had a very difficult home life and was prescribed medication for her anxiety. Within a few weeks all the girls in their group were ‘suffering’ from the same condition and had all been prescribed beta blockers by their doctors. My friend could not see how ridiculous this was, especially as her daughter’s social anxiety seemed to be confined to travelling on the bus as her attendance at several house parties and weekends away did not seem to be an issue! My friend finally admitted that her daughter did not even take a single dose, but she felt ‘safer’ knowing they were there. 🙄

12 Yr old DD asked to go to Pride, she has decided/declared that she is bi, the thought of kissing anyone still disgusts her and its very much a part of joining in at schooI. I told her no and that it was an adult event and she could go when she was an adult.

Almost every girl and a couple of boys (mostly Yr 9 and in the same friendship groups) in my school with an ASD diagnosis has declared themselves trans it is a rather worrying pattern with the girls being very, very unhappy with their bodies. The books of these children are littered with different names and preferred pronouns on the cover that have been crossed out as they change their minds.

Like others have said I would take it higher about what her support worker has said. “Consent” is not by age and many factors go into deciding if an individual can give it when it comes to social care etc
Massive safeguarding issues with the support worker!
You sound very supportive and that’s what they need 💖

That's such a shame you won't let your daughter go to pride. It's certainly not an adult's only event, I don't know if you told her that just to deter her or if you actually believe that, but still that's really a shame. It's so fun, people of all ages are there, it's brilliant fun and joyful and happy. Such a fun day out

@reynadotcom Pride is about sexuality, I have no problem if she is same sex attracted as she grows up. However, she is in the first year of high school and isn't remotely interested in a relationship with anyone at the moment or so she says. She does not need to see the other, fetishest aspects that Pride includes, the furries, the gimp masks, grown people on leashes etc that are there. Those are adult things and I don't think exposing a preteen to them is appropriate

Is the support worker going to Pride, by any chance?

Well said Singleandproud
The number of adults (usually not parents) who feel qualified to criticise parental decisions as they support their children navigating their way through this porn soaked world is quite unbelievable. Far too many of them have been allowed to influence education practice and, as evidenced by the OP, attempt to undermine parents and their relationships with their children.
It's bloody sinister.

That support worker sounds awful. Self-righteous and naive.

I feel your pain - my dd is 12, with mental health issues, and currently convinced she is trans.

Best resource I've come across is a book called 'Gender dysphoria: a therapeutic model' by Susan Evans. It gives the reasons against 'affirmative' treatment very clearly.

With some 'affirmative' care workers, it's like talking to ppl in a cult. You have to be extremely diplomatic. But I 'd want to get an explanation as to how they've determined that a 14 year old with autism has the competencies they ascribe to her.

💐all the best.

Goodness me, I don’t know what awful dull Prides you’ve been to.
It’s always been the sex and drugs highlight of the year in most places it happens. It’s for decadence and debauchery and all the better for it. It’s not for children. And for any regular adult having kids there will cramp their style. Any adult who wants kids there (beyond watching the floats go by at a good distance) is not to be trusted.

Can you homeschool ? Not long to go until the end of term. It might give her some breathing space. As others say take some advice and tread very carefully with the support worker

One day in the not so distant future children will be allowed to consent to sex from the age of 6, not 16. Just watch. The way this is all going is horrifying.

Why are society, the very people who are supposed to be caring for the vulnerable, treating kids as if they're adults?

Sorry, OP. Age is not the only factor for consent, it's also mental capacity. I hope you get the help you need.

Young teens are not equipped to make such long term decisions and need so much guidance. Does your dd need to continue seeing this support worker? What is she getting out of it?