Dd says she is Trans

[54isanopendoor]

My Dd is 14. She is Autistic. She is in a mainstream school but only managed 50% of the time last year (officially on the timetable) & also suffers from Anxiety and fatigue (put down to long Covid). She has elective mutism as part of her Dx.
We moved here a year ago.
She has input from an Autism support worker (from the local 'special school' as it is referred to). I don't know what this covers although it;s every week for 1hr.
I am in Scotland...

She told me at Christmas that she 'was gay'. I said: 'thank you for telling me, I am glad you feel you can talk to me'. Her brother is also Autistic. He is 18, great with her & she has talked to him too. Her Dad left us last year. She has told him but not really talked to him (he is not easy to talk to for any of us). she has just made 2 friends, both of whom have just 'come out' to their parents. They are buying each other 'gay' badges, but also kitten / penguin / badger badges too.

It's all fine. She is working out who she is. I am happy about that.

BUT: last week I had a phone call from the Autism worker. At around 5.45pm just as I was wrestling with some roast chicken for dinnner. She announced: 'Adam approached me today & told me he wants his name changed on the Register'. Given she hadn't used my name at the beginning of the call I said: sorry, this is Y's Mum speaking...'. She then said 'oh, so he's not felt able to share with you - I take it you're not supportive then? WE explained to Adam that the process is that now he has disclosed we will offer support when he writes a letter'.
I said: 'me or the child?' (my child is very dyslexic)
She said: 'Adam doesn't need your support. This is just a courtesy call - we have judged he is in the age band that doesn't need consent'.

So, I've spoken to my child who says she asked her friends to call her Adam and that she thinks she's trans & wants to be a boy. I said that she was born a girl but she can call herself Adam if she chooses and dress like her brother & its all fine.

My worry is that she is being led either down a path she doesn't understand (at 14, with Autism) OR she is travelling quicker down that path than she needs to.

She wants to go to a Pride March later in the month. I said fine - you can go with me or with your Brother. She pulled a face. I said Not on you own (she's 14 & ASD). Not happy. But she's 14 & Autistic. I went on CND marches alone at that age & the crowd / Police can be scary. She just refused to come to a Jubilee thing as it was 'too busy'. She doesn't like public transport. When stressed she CANT ask for help due to her Mutism.

Sorry for vent. Just worried for her.

What awful behaviour from the support worker. I agree with others, make a complaint. It's very unlikely your daughter would ever have thought she was a boy if she'd been 14 ten or twenty years ago. This is a dangerous trend.

I don't think that's true. I was an autistic girl born in the 70s and I wanted to be a boy until my early 20s when I suddenly realised that lesbians existed and I found them attractive.

Gender confusion and autism have probably always existed. Maybe the autistic girls wanted to go out hunting in the olden days, who knows. The difference now is that kids are told that they need to change rather than the sex stereotypes need to change. That's what makes it dangerous now.

I wished I was a bloke 25 years ago. I hated being restricted by being female. I loved computer games. I loved football. Then I loved music. It was a world closed to me by my physicality. To put it bluntly, women didn't look 'right' with a guitar. The proportions were all out. They had stage presence, but not in the same way. They could sing, but they didn't have the tone that resonnated. They weren't the top level professional sportspeople. The quality wasn't equal. I disliked being constantly judged on appearance. I hated make up and dresses and the whole culture around that. My role models were all male. I was in the first wave of online social culture. I saw the difference in how males and females were treated and taken seriously. I pretended to be male and got more respect and better treatment. So I wanted to be male.

I have never fitted in. Someone telling me I COULD be male at a time when I was actively going for as long as possible without eating and at times, self harming would have been massively attractive. I wasn't male. I was insecure and lonely. I was massively depressed.

Time was the healer. It made me realise not conforming was ok and that you didn't need to 'belong'. You just had to be willing to enjoy life as you saw it and to hell with everyone else. As soon as you do that, the walls come down and you find your place. I was late 30s when that happened.

Add being a lesbian to that, and I completely get it. The thought process existed in the 90s/early 2000s that didn't mean you were trans though. Trans is just an exploitative concept of this feeling that fucks over women. It is a easy solution to a deeply complex issue. Thus it looks incredibly appealling.

Agree with all of that 100% plus being autistic feels really awkward and difficult most of the time. I'm convinced that a large part of gender dysphoria is actually the discomfort of being autistic.

It's well known by the way that autistic girls relate better to boys. Tony Attwood talks about it as an indicator of autism in girls.

Adam approached me today & told me he wants his name changed on the Register'. Given she hadn't used my name at the beginning of the call I said: sorry, this is Y's Mum speaking...'. She then said 'oh, so he's not felt able to share with you - I take it you're not supportive then? WE explained to Adam that the process is that now he has disclosed we will offer support when he writes a letter'.

This gave me chills. This is just..... terrifying. They're like the child-catcher but state-sanctioned.

The idiocy of going along with whatever a child decides will eventually be seen as a ridiculous moment in history. The cognitive dissonance of the current situation make my brain ache. A parent is responsible for the child in just about every decision and add in a child with special needs, it is even more apparent.

Re wanting to be a boy, there is a big difference between wanting to be a boy/wishing you were one, and actually thinking you are one and need surgery to change your body to match - because you’ve been led to understand not only that that’s possible, but that it will make you special and wonderful and cool and everyone will think you’re great.

I wished I was a boy, as a tomboy who didn’t fit in with the girls, wanted to do stuff that was considered “boy” stuff, and also had a traumatic home life and was unhappy and anxious. Who wouldn’t in that situation? Countless women throughout history, even without those factors, have said “fuck this shit, if only I was a man.”

The difference is that we knew we couldn’t be a man and so gender non-conforming girls became strong women who found our own way to be a woman. We grew up and accepted ourselves like most people do. The problem now is that gender ideology promotes a massive lie that you can be the opposite sex and that sucks in loads of girls who are going through that stage.

it would be fine if it actually was about gender and told girls they could reject gender stereotypes and be masculine or neutral and still be a woman.

I just can't get over the carelessness of the support worker, what if the OP wasn't supportive but was abusive, what if the child went home and got beaten because of what the worker said.

There is a student in my school who is trans, also autistic and a survivor of significant trauma. Lives with relatives that do not agree with her name being changed (sensible) but our safeguarding lead has told staff to use the child's trans name as its better for their mental health. What that child needs is substantial counselling to deal with trauma not a sticking plaster in the hope that it will solve the problem and they can move on.

I'd be seriously considering either changing her school or refusing the support worker. Your DD is being indoctrinated into an ideology.

(I'm not allowed to use the word I really mean on here).

She risks going down a path that will be incredibly damaging, mentally and physically.

I would approach the Designated Safeguarding Lead at school and mention that you have concerns that your DD is being groomed by her support workers. School will have a handle on her situation and should be very alarmed at the isolation of an autistic child by a support worker.

I would also ask for a change of support worker. Make clear that this is because they made false accusations against you and are seemingly trying to detach you from your child by driving an imaginary wedge between you. It is really important that you show that you support your child (as it seems very much you do) to counter the narratives ve the support worker is creating. Sound the alarm on safeguarding at the highest level in school/ county that you can go.

I would also write to the LADO at county level and express your worries Talgarth your child is being groomed, which is essentially what this is- no support worker should be making assumptions about parents before having spoken to them. Advocating for a child does not equal uncritically supporting everything they infer about their situation (it often means the opposite).

She's being led down a path by the school autism worker and others by the sounds of it.
The way the autism worker spoke to you is uncalled for.

This exactly.
I'd also get my local non captured msp involved.

Hello. Sorry it's taken me a day or so to reply.

A day after the call I had to email the School about another matter so I thought it would be useful to put in a 'placeholder' comment whilst I think how to approach this. In it I said: 'Dd spoke to me at Christmas time about feeling that she might be ‘gay’ (her words). I was supportive & she has been reading & thinking around this since. On Friday she’d said she thought she might like her new friend group to call her ‘X’. That convo had gone well & I was pleased about that for her.
She spoke yesterday about thinking of using 'X' at school (she hadn't discussed pronouns as she says she has ‘only been thinking about ALL this since Friday’). Given that is the case I have suggested she takes all the time she feels she needs. Ds tells me that ‘coming out’ or changing name or pronoun attracts lots of bullying & I don't want that. Dd's Autism & Dyslexia means she needs plenty of extra time to process things & can be suggestible so time is very important'.

Not great but that's what I sent.
It was her 1st full week of School this week for 3 years (& a new timetable to boot). Her previous s/w session doesn't fit in, so she was asked to stay an hour after school. This was way too much for her.
I spoke to her guidance teacher today & asked 'how long the sessions with the ASD support worker will last for & what they cover'. He said they are 'open ended, for the whole time she is at High School' (yikes..) & that they are 'child led although there is a framework & outcomes in mind'.

will post more later about other elements.
I am in Scotland.

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So, before I've had chance to properly read & research all that was in your posts:

Dd spoke rather tearfully to me just now to say she'd been researching: binders & tape. Asked me 'did I know what they were'? I said: 'no, tell me...'
She says that they are because she has 'gender dysphoria'.
I played dumb & asked 'what's that'? & she replied; I don't know' (YIKES...), 'but I've been on Reddit & that's what it says you have if you are a Lesbian & ASD'.

We had a gentle chat about it. I was careful to say that I supported her 'working out who she was as all teens / people should do' in general but I was not keen on her making any changes to a healthy growing body that she might not know the consequences of down the line.

I also dropped in that there are all sorts of groups online who don't know her, & can only give 'general advice' that might not fit with her at ALL. And that, as a person with Autism, she can be amazingly insightful but also quite vulnerable. And she is still only 14 - there is plenty of time to think about Who She Is.
We had a big hug & she's asked me to give her a shoulder rub later so lines of communication are still okay I think but I am really worried.

There are 2 weeks left of School before break up (Scotland) so my aim is to keep the lid on re that. Going head to head with the support worker won't work.

Can you maybe get some info on other famous and inspirational lesbians and androgenous women so that she can see that women can come in all different shapes, sizes, fashion choices, lifestyles etc etc.

Working with secondary school children they seem to think that if you don't fit in the Female box you have to move into the Male box and if you don't fit in that one you have to move to the non-binary box or make a new box altogether.

I find this very jarring compared to the way we / I was brought up which was if you don't fit in the box, break it and you should be proud of yourself and your body just the way you are.

I agree with what @Singleandproud suggests. Also keep pressing the health aspects. I've been there with my ASD daughter too with the requests for breast binding. I had to be quite blunt and explain how damaging it can be to the breast tissue. I always replied to her how fortunate she was to have a healthy perfectly functioning female body. I reminded her how hormone therapies can lead to health problems down the line. I really do think this made a difference. I bought her sports bras/vest tops and she chose to wear loose t shirts. My daughter accepts facts so I made sure to let her see the downsides.

This Lily Maynard essay popped up on my twitter timeline on a SexMatters tweet. It may be of some use/comfort to you. Sending my best wishes.
lilymaynard.com/my-first-article-a-mums-voyage-through-transtopia/

Can I suggest a trip to the a museum if they have the dress collection on display?
costumesociety.org.uk/blog/post/fashion-history-at-the-national-museum-of-scotland

It could allow you an opening on how dress fashion and social expectation has changed womens positions and life choices. Similar if you have historical local women you could discuss the challange they had to overcome.

And pop in some information about how thing women did like use lead makeup

www.britannica.com/story/dying-for-makeup-lead-cosmetics-poisoned18th-centuryeuropean-socialites