Dd says she is Trans

[54isanopendoor]

My Dd is 14. She is Autistic. She is in a mainstream school but only managed 50% of the time last year (officially on the timetable) & also suffers from Anxiety and fatigue (put down to long Covid). She has elective mutism as part of her Dx.
We moved here a year ago.
She has input from an Autism support worker (from the local 'special school' as it is referred to). I don't know what this covers although it;s every week for 1hr.
I am in Scotland...

She told me at Christmas that she 'was gay'. I said: 'thank you for telling me, I am glad you feel you can talk to me'. Her brother is also Autistic. He is 18, great with her & she has talked to him too. Her Dad left us last year. She has told him but not really talked to him (he is not easy to talk to for any of us). she has just made 2 friends, both of whom have just 'come out' to their parents. They are buying each other 'gay' badges, but also kitten / penguin / badger badges too.

It's all fine. She is working out who she is. I am happy about that.

BUT: last week I had a phone call from the Autism worker. At around 5.45pm just as I was wrestling with some roast chicken for dinnner. She announced: 'Adam approached me today & told me he wants his name changed on the Register'. Given she hadn't used my name at the beginning of the call I said: sorry, this is Y's Mum speaking...'. She then said 'oh, so he's not felt able to share with you - I take it you're not supportive then? WE explained to Adam that the process is that now he has disclosed we will offer support when he writes a letter'.
I said: 'me or the child?' (my child is very dyslexic)
She said: 'Adam doesn't need your support. This is just a courtesy call - we have judged he is in the age band that doesn't need consent'.

So, I've spoken to my child who says she asked her friends to call her Adam and that she thinks she's trans & wants to be a boy. I said that she was born a girl but she can call herself Adam if she chooses and dress like her brother & its all fine.

My worry is that she is being led either down a path she doesn't understand (at 14, with Autism) OR she is travelling quicker down that path than she needs to.

She wants to go to a Pride March later in the month. I said fine - you can go with me or with your Brother. She pulled a face. I said Not on you own (she's 14 & ASD). Not happy. But she's 14 & Autistic. I went on CND marches alone at that age & the crowd / Police can be scary. She just refused to come to a Jubilee thing as it was 'too busy'. She doesn't like public transport. When stressed she CANT ask for help due to her Mutism.

Sorry for vent. Just worried for her.

Support worker sounds frightening.

I would also challenge the safeguarding here. However it will be difficult as frighteningly this is the government guidance on supporting transgender children in schools in Scotland. From 4 to 18 yrs old, if a child discloses to school they are tran and want to be called by a different name and want people to use different pronouns the school is not required to inform the parents. Yup! So she is correct in that she's following guidance.
However it is up to each school head how much they follow the guidance so definitely worth challenging and pushing for whether they included autism in their assessment and how much they understand about her particular vulnerability. My guess is very little. Complain to the head and local authority and stop pushing.
Contact sos Scotland safeguarding our schools for information and support on exactly this issue.

I meant don't stop pushing

I’m sorry you’re having to deal with this.

I am in a similar place a few years down the line with an autistic dd. Speak to your dd about what she is watching on YouTube and TikTok. Ask her to look at some content from detransitioners if you can for balance.

I too was fine with name changes and dressing like a boy, but the next thing is wearing a binder and wanting to have breasts removed.

The support worker is not being helpful by affirming this. There should be watchful waiting approach for a 14 year old. Cut contact with the support worker if you can and try to get her therapy to help her explore her identity. Choose therapist carefully.

Look at the content on transgendertrend.

Adults whether with good or sinister intentions are facilitating vulnerable children to switch gender on what appears to be a whim. The current state is just bonkers crazy. I'm so sorry you are in this situation. Easy to say but as calm an approach from you is best. Thankfully there should be no risk of her being led down a path of medication whilst still a child. Your child has Autism and in every other aspect of her life you have parental responsibility yet when it comes to gender identity you are expected to have no say. This is wrong. I hope transgenderedtrend can offer you advice.

I'm presuming the support worker visits your daughter in the school? It's all under the same local education authority in Scotland therfore they are following govt guidance. SOS Scotland has info from transgender trend but is specific to Scottish guidance which is different from England.

Given she hadn't used my name at the beginning of the call I said: sorry, this is Y's Mum speaking ...'.

The fact that the staff member had not attempted to verify who she speaking to but made the assumption that the person who answered the call was you is a red flag. She disclosed sensitive data to who ever picked up the phone.
That she feels that her and other staff members decisions are more important than your daughters legal gardians would be a massive red flag.

Adam doesn't need your support.

Really???
As in, she is going to cook, clean and finance your child's day to day needs? She is going to scrub the toilet and do laundry? Somehow I suspect that her support would not last long passed any handover meeting, if she is assigned to other students. Her comment indicate she and other staff may have formed a "hero story" before phoning you. Where they believe that they should be the ones centred in your childs development.

I would be a little paranoid and install software on your mobole which can record future communications from the school.

Housekeeping question: what phone was used to call you so late in the work day?

I assume that the Register referred to the main stream school? I suggest that you need to request all of the processes, proceedures and policy documentation which both schools use when dealing with students who decide to classify themselves as female homosexuals or as male homosexuals and/or as transgender and if she needs aditional support due to being Autistic.

The basics of examining what language is used in each policy. if they both mirror each other or how and when they differ. How the schools manage affirmation, what she will be taught about "being trans", how basic safeguarding re single sex spaces are managed.

I would also request a copy of all her records, in particular any specific action plans or documentation around how the school will tailor support to her needs.
Once you have have had time to outline what you beleive is in your childs best interest I would look for a meeting to discuss it and raise any concerns.

Pride would be a "with parent event".

How well do you know the other patents of her friends? How strict are they re supervision of the intetnet? Sorry but could the badges be furry or anime cartoon related?

Agree with all that PPs have said. The ways things are going with this sort of thing is scary and yes you need to challenge the school.

Am I the only one who feels that what the Austism Worker actually said was strange? As soon as you let her know that you weren't aware of your dd wanting to be a male she was very quick to say that she assumes you weren't supportive. Then made you aware that it was nothing to do with you and she was only calling as a 'courtesy'. Unless you're misrepresenting the conversation it sounds like she had pre-judged you and your attitude towards dd's gender before even picking up the phone to speak to you, and her tone was very judgy and almost confrontational. How she reached the idea that you are unsupportive I have no idea....your dd said something that she has taken upon herself to interpret as you being 'unsupportive'? She has her own experience/issues that are influencing how she deals with your dd and you?

The reason doesn't really matter, she sounds unprofessional and I would be really concerned that she's the one dealing with your dd on this. Complain about her and what she said/her general tone when she spoke to you and don't just accept what the school is doing.

Have a chat with your dd and make it clear that you love and support her no matter what, but try to ask how she really feels/what has led to this decision. The article on the TransGenderTrend website was deeply unsettling. Don't let political correctness take over your dd's life. Unless you really are a horrible, bigoted, judgemental person (which you don't sound like) then you probably know your dd better than her teachers or Autism Worker!

Support worker is awful. Complain. Did she ask permission before outing your child
or make sure it was safe to do so? Why did she need to make it a confrontation and a comment and judgement on your parenting. Completely unnecessary, would definitely complain because you don’t want your DC seeing you as the enemy as well if that’s how support worker is tackling you

with dc I’d be supportive but ask lots of questions
what does being a man feel like?
how do you know?
what’s a woman?
how is that different from stereotypes?
what is gender? Do you think gender has always been the same
why do you like stereotypically female thing still if you are a man now? - why can you like that thing /act like x but liking y thing or behaving y way means you’re a boy
Why dd you pick that name

just generally get her thinking about it, the answers don’t matter really, they just help you understand what she’s thinking

You could ask the school for the risk assessments; equality impact assessments and legal advice they have received on supporting social transitioning of underage pupils without parental consent or involvement.

They won't have done any of that and will say it's SG policy but the policy is open to interpretation, implementation has discretionary aspects and ultimately the SG would leave the school to face any legal challenges.

Regarding your DD, I'd focus during the holidays on broadening her friendship group and her interests if possible. Our teen's friendship group become entangled in gender identity communities last year. It coincided with some of them self-harming, suicide ideation etc. Luckily our DD broadened her circle and stepped back from it all but it was very worrying. Some well meaning but ignorant teachers were inadvertently signposting them to groups that reinforced the issues.

Can I suggest that you have a listen to Stella O'Malley's podcast "Gender: a Wider Lens". There are a couple of episodes specifically for parents of gender-questioning children. You could also contact Genspect, which is run by parents and transgender people, to support parents.
https://genspect.org/

There's a link on the Genspect website to Stella O'Malley's podcast. She sounds like a really wonderful humane therapist - she says herself she suffered extreme gender dysphoria herself as a young teen, and is very knowledgeable about ways of working with teens in this situation.

Neither of these recommendations automatically affirms. They all advocate "watchful waiting" and talking therapies.

There are also really interesting podcasts/YouTube episodes of conversations between Benjamin Boyce and Aaron Kimberley, a transman who works with Genspect and is very cautious about children transitioning.

"In the age band that doesn't need consent" - about a child with diagnosed autism. Jesus wept.
Your child deserves a happy gender non-conforming life that is not marred by interaction with these ignorant box-ticking ghouls.

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I'm autistic. Autism and trans are almost overlapping Venn diagrams as in most trans people appear to be on the spectrum. A leading psychiatrist who works in this area reckons 100% of his trans clients are autistic.

The ideology has swept through the autistic community, particularly on line. The trouble with a tendency to black and white thinking is that if you don't neatly conform to one set of stereotypes it's easy to make a leap to believe you fit in the other category.

I'm in my 40s now but I certainly thought I was a different category of girl and more like a boy until well into my 20s. Then I met some lesbians and it all made more sense. I would be inclined to go to pride with her and see if you can find some lesbian role models to help her figure this all out.

Trans used to be vanishingly rare. There is no way that the explosion in the numbers is due to anything natural. You only need to listen to detransitioners with massive regrets ti know that. Funnily enough plenty of them are autistic and LGB too.

I had a name change fail - not enough coffee yet - thx to person who alerted me.
I've asked MN to delete post above & am re-posting now.

Just to say THANK YOU for your posts. I've not yet read them all as my other young person is going through big (college) decisions atm. but I will tomorrow.

Dd spent an hour with the support worker - after school - yesterday (so as not to disrupt lessons). She couldn't say much of what happened but she often can't due to the ASD / verbal issues. I have been provided with no framework of what occurs its just 'Autism support'. I suggested to Dd that its discontinued (its been a year) but Dd 'likes her'. I've met her once. She's perhaps mid 20s, talks about herself mostly, including her special collection of a specific wardrobe item (not 'dodgy' in any way just possibly outing to say what!). I suspect she is ASD herself. She is really likeable actually, & seems to know quite a bit about Autism, esp in girls, which is unusual, but she is also ALL over the place in her work too. And therefore dangerous in a woolly school in an ideologically driven state.

Don't get me started on the 'support' worker🤬

So, I've spoken to my child who says she asked her friends to call her Adam and that she thinks she's trans & wants to be a boy. I said that she was born a girl but she can call herself Adam if she chooses

Will you be calling her Adam as well? If so, I really wouldn't. I wouldn't affirm this untruth in any way.
^^

She then said 'oh, so he's not felt able to share with you - I take it you're not supportive then? WE explained to Adam that the process is that now he has disclosed we will offer support when he writes a letter'.

Adam doesn't need your support. This is just a courtesy call - we have judged he is in the age band that doesn't need consent.

Bloody HELL op! I thought I knew a lot about all this, I thought not much could shock me but that is appalling. My mouth literally fell open reading that. A 14-yo with autism doesn’t need her mum’s support when confused about identity (totally understandably in the current climate)? The so-called professional can just abandon all care, concern and working with family because it’s the holy state of being trans so the confused 14yo must be right? What the hell is wrong with these people? I’m so angry on your behalf. How can they not see the obvious social contagion in this? It almost sounds like that worker is overjoyed to be the “expert” trans-pusher shutting out the mum and being the special support system for a poor oppressed trans child, instead of applying her brain and knowledge.

you’ve had good advice here and I don’t have better to add, but I just want to virtually hold your hand and support you. You’re not in the wrong, you’re not unsupportive and you are right to worry about this and of course she needs you. 💐

This. I would not be able to let that one go. How dare she say that to you!

I would absolutely try and stop this person meeting your daughter. She very clearly has an agenda. If your daughter is anything like my autistic teenager, she is very easily led by other people.

As others have said - there are number of red flags: the failure to establish who she was speaking to; the assumption that you are hostile; the decision that she has made that your daughter is capable of informed consent.

When she says "we", who is she referring to? Is she paid by the school?

She then said 'oh, so he's not felt able to share with you - I take it you're not supportive then? WE explained to Adam that the process is that now he has disclosed we will offer support when he writes a letter'.

Adam doesn't need your support. This is just a courtesy call - we have judged he is in the age band that doesn't need consent.

It's incredibly hostile for seemingly no reason. I wonder what your daughter has said to this woman and how it's been interpreted. The woman also sounds like she fancies herself an activist.

OP, there are two issues, how your DD is taking this forward and secondly the Support Worker.

I would want a meeting with the Support Worker and the schools safeguarding lead. Take the Interim Cass review with you cass.independent-review.uk/wp-content/uploads/2022/03/Cass-Review-Interim-Report-Final-Web-Accessible.pdf. The illustration on p57 is useful, along with the fact that affirmation is not a neutral act and that other conditions such as Autism need to be considered as part of the process. PP have also provided links to other resources you can refer to.

Be clear on your aim of this meeting, it’s not whether or not your DD is transgender, it’s ensuring the Support Worker and school allow your daughter to work through her feelings and thoughts. You want the Support Worker and school to remember they have a duty of care to look at the whole person and not to jump to conclusions by automatically affirming as long term there is evidence this could be damaging.

With your DD, keep talking like you have been, as you say let her wear the clothes she wants. You are right about pride, let her go but accompanied due to her mutism and dislike of crowds.

I know it isn't the main point of your post @54isanopendoor but can I gently correct you on your use of the term "elective mutism". The correct term is Selective mutism, which means selective in the medical sense, as in non pervasive, not as in "selecting/ choosing".

This is a crucial difference because selective mutism is an anxiety related, non volitional, ability to speak in certain situations. It's common in internalising autism (which is the more common pattern of autism in females).

It's really important to make the distinction because understanding that it is NOT a choice in any way, but a "freeze" shutdown anxiety response, is crucial in planning support and in understanding the young person. It also underscores that your daughter is a particularly vulnerable young person who is significantly impacted by anxiety.

I would be complaining about the support worker. They have made a number of unhelpful assumptions about both you and your daughter. I would be listing these in a written complaint.

My daughter is the same. Diagnosed at 14, very little ability to communicate and barely talks, although understands everything. Now 18. Decided to ask her friends to call her a male name, changed the name a couple of times over the years although has stuck with the same one for a couple of years now. Tells me she wants to be male. It'll never happen because she doesn't have the ability to make it happen. At 14 she would never have been deemed Gillick competent.

I struggle to call her the male name. I don't agree with it. It confuses her younger sisters who still call her by her given name. I try not to call her anything.

From my point of view, she doesn't want to be male, she just doesn't want to be a stereotypical female and her autism makes this the easiest solution to her. It's difficult and I don't know what the answer is. I hope she'll grow out of it.

There's a phrase used in safeguarding called professional dangerousness. It's where a child's needs are not centred - usually due to a mix of personal and professional issues and is often highlighted in reviews following the death of a child.
This support worker will have no qualifications in child psychology, child / adolescent development, gender dysphoria or anything related. In attempting to influence your daughter and to actively place a wedge in the parent child relationship she is acting in a professionally dangerous way. She may be delightful - people behaving like this often are. But they have an overwhelming belief in themselves along with a troubling lack of listening and critical thinking skills. They're a menace and sadly this young woman is likely to be a dangerous influence on your daughter unless someone reins her in.

Trans Pride Brighton is a family friendly event. Might be worth taking your child along to that rather than the city general pride ones which can be more loud and confronting. Has some good family activities in the park grounds which could be a safe place to explore. Usually loads of young gender diverse kids and their parents. Hope things work out well in whichever direction they take. I totally get it as a parent how concerning it is. transpridebrighton.org/