Non binary rant

[Scrunchy95]

Hi,
Please excuse me but i need a rant. So am leaving this here...
My daughter just told me that they are non binary. As far as they are concerned I am on board and supportive. Because being a good mum is the most important thing to me. But (shh) nope, I’m hating society right now. We are living in a time when in some places women are being outlawed to have abortions. Girls hate the idea of being a girl so much that they create a non existent category for themselves but men call themselves women and compete in our sports. Fucking fed up with it all. Who’s turning back the clocks? We were better off when we were the kids.
Right rant over..

🍷 It's after 6 somewhere.

It must be very hard to go along with. She may well grow out of it in time, it's a largely meaningless label for many of these teenagers you can always discuss this here.

I hear you. So much utter bullshit all around us. EVERYONE is non binary, it's nothing special. I hope that this phase passes smoothly for your daughter.

It's collaborating with the patriarchy. The concept relies on and entrenches their definition of a woman/female not as an 'adult human female' but instead as a collection of regressive social stereotypes, submissive, objectified, frilly, silly. It also implies that all those women and girls who choose not to 'identify out' of being a woman, as the NB and alphabet folx now define it, are therefore OK with that conservatively-envisioned social role, the objectifying male gaze, the upskirting, the groping hands.

It's this generation's version of tomboy/"not like the other girls". Just don't let her go the medical route to "neutralise" her body, and she'll grow out of it in a few years.

"Being a good mum" isn't pandering to this nonsense.

Presumably your daughter believes in allowing people to identify as the wish? Can't you identify as being 'done with this shit (DWTS)', I think it's pronounced - snigger - doots.

Seriously, I'm probably being naive, I hope nb is a step back, a step away from id'ing as male.

To a certain extent, I can see the logic of wanting to be 'non-binary'. The trouble is that we can't identify out of our sex.

It would be so much better if they could say I'm not identifying with gender or I want to smash gender stereotypes. They think they are being gender non conforming but mostly they default to make characteristics and clothes. I find it really sad and must be hard for parents particularly as non binary is often the first step towards a trans identity.
OP are you aware of support groups for watchful waiting such as Bayswater Support, Transgender Trend and Genspect they might help you keep your sanity.

I feel your pain OP

I've been there OP. The emotion of anger towards the larger culture can be overwhelming, and I'm not typically an emotionally reactionary person.

FWIW, I didn't go along with the pronoun stuff and name changes. I don't think that's a requirement.

With you OP. My eldest has spend the last 2 years identifying as non-binary. We'd just got on top of that, using their preferred pronouns and new name, and now they have told us that they are a transman. Massive amounts of negative energy and tears (from them) because we are transphobic, etc, etc. (Nope, we're not).

It's all me, me, me. No thought as to how it's affecting the rest of the family. They really couldn't see the impact of it all yesterday and criticised the very occasional slip that we make (she/her pronouns and using their birth name - no, actually, I won't refer to it as your dead name. You aren't dead.).

I suggested they have a think about how it would feel for them to suddenly find out I wasn't their mum (I am), but that I was, in fact, their auntie (I'm not) which would cause a huge amount of mental readjustment and a change in how they should address me. They absolutely couldn't see what difference it would make.

I'm of the opinion that it's a control thing - making everyone around them stop and think before speaking. I still don't believe what I'm told by them that anything up to 85% of their year group are LGBTQ+.

Bloody hell, sorry for the rant but I feel just a tiny bit better for that. OP, I second the recommendations above - I found the Bayswater support group very helpful.

All I can say is to keep on buggering on. You aren't a shit parent.

'Massive amounts of negative energy and tears (from them) because we are transphobic, etc, etc.'

Sounds so stressful, sad and draining. I guess every teenager since time began has been though a phase of thinking that their parents know nothing, and they know it all, but this is so much more intense as it's all being fuelled by social media

SedentaryCat, that sounds really hard going.

I think we should just all identify as non-binary - I mean, I guess everyone fits the category of not conforming to gender stereotypes. Perhaps they might start to question what the point is of the label if it includes everyone?

@DomesticatedZombie Thanks. Yes, it's been really tough. I think I've had enough now.

Non binary can also be I refuse to be pigeon holed into your little boxes.

You cant "identify out" of your body but you can refuse to participate in genders.

Find something else for them to rebel against - like whatever you think you are you are still cleaning the bedroom.

Do you feel able to set boundaries and say what they are?

Sometimes I think when someone is kicking hard against something, they actually need a firm 'no', and that maybe someone else calmly, compassionately but firmly stating their own boundaries and saying 'no' is ultimately going to be in their best interests.

@SedentaryCat I'm so sorry, that little post might be one of the saddest things.

In the same non-binary boat here. I feel your pain @Scrunchy95 and @SedentaryCat

"That's nice, dear, I am too."

Basically, make it as un-cool as possible. Really ham it up. Wear a big thick coat and NHS glasses, rolled-up jeans and old brogues, and have your hair flicked to the side. Perfect the listless, ultra-superior gaze, and use words like valid and important while trying to remind people you exist.

In my child’s case it is not about being cool. My child is deeply unhappy and struggles to fit in, due to ASD. This identity is an explanation for them as to why they feel so different and unhappy. The logic appears to be “I am not like other girls (which is true), therefore I am not a girl” If I mocked and trivialised them in the way you suggest I don’t think it would go well.

Wholeheartedly agree with this. Knowing what I know now, I'd steadfastedly refuse to get on board, and keep calmy holding my ground. Let them rage, ridicule, ignore you, but underneath the fact you're holding the line will register. You're their tether to reality in an insane world.

'You're their tether to reality in an insane world.'

Very well put. Very few adults seem able / willing to hold on to reality for children

You're their tether to reality in an insane world.

That's a great way of looking at it, thank you.