A simple way to explain to DH why he shouldn't* include pronouns on his email signature at work

[WookeyHole]

I really get so confused about the whole gender issue and each time I try and explain myself, I get tied up in knots. I've tried with good friends who've basically said I sound like a transphobe, which isn't my intention. I'm just not keen on women not having their own spaces.

Please can you give me a couple of sentences to explain to DH why I think it's a bad idea to include pronouns and the bigger picture it makes him a part of?

*obviously he's a grown man and can make his own mind up, but I'd like him to consider the other point of view to the Stonewall trans bandwagon he's been fed at work

sex-matters.org/posts/updates/pronouns/

Well, what does he believe? Does he believe people have gendered essences, or does he think it’s obvious that he’s a man?

Because to me, the use of pronouns to inform people whether you are a man or a woman presupposes that you believe there are some people who have a woman’s body but are a man inside.

Does he believe that?

The other argument for using them even if you don’t believe that is to be kind, with the point often made that declaring a pronouns is just to males others comfortable.

So how kind does he want to be? Does he want to declare his religion at work? What about his sexuality? What about his race? What about his child/child-free status? What about any disabilities he might have?

Because otherwise it’s just exceptionalism for this one issue.

Typing too fast! Just to make others comfortable.

Whenever I see a he/him in a work email signature, I think the individual is broadcasting their male privilege and that this is harmful to women at work because of the gender sex based pay gap.

Does your husband want to be 'that' guy?

Because it's buying in to the idea of gender ideology that is all based on steryotypes.
For instance as a he/him he would like fishing and fixing cars and being assertive and strong. That if he has any traditionally female traits then he is a non binary or female.
That everything must be evaluated through the lense of gender and every action coded 'male' or 'female'.
That the rigidity of coding human behaviour as male or female is leading some people to feel that their bodies are wrong and need fixing with surgeries and hormones, particularly teenage girls.

I have thought long and hard about what I am going to say if we are asked to include pronouns on email signatures at work.

It is roughly:

My name is x, I am female and I think this is obvious to everyone. I have no problem with anyone using sex based pronouns, which in English means referring to me in the third person as 'she'.
However, I strongly disagree with implying I have a right to dictate what other people call me when I am not there. I also strongly disagree with implying I have a right to ask other people to deny reality. To me, pronouns in an email signature implies that the person has the view that anyone who wishes to be a woman is a woman. I do not share that view.
We know that sexism exists in the workplace. I do not see any benefit to women in constantly reminding others that they are female in situations where that is entirely irrelevant.

[quote MrsDanversBroom]sex-matters.org/posts/updates/pronouns/[/quote]
I second this.

I will also add that I've never seen a workplace that asks people to express their support for their colleagues covered by other protected characteristics.

This is easy to workplaces to enforce and literally wins them points and prizes. Workplaces have little interest in tackling the hard issues like disability adjustments, appropriate parental leave, ageism etc.

Irrelevant to the job that you do, none of their business, jumping on the bandwagon. Just not necessary.

Don't believe in gender ideology. Same as I don't believe in astrology. I'm entitled to hold that belief.
The purpose of gender ideology is to diminish women's control over their boundaries.

"Do you want to come across as a knob?"

When I see anyone putting pronouns in their email signature I think, Knob.

Sorry, not helpful.

Would he put his sexuality, disability/ability or similar in his email signature No? Why not?

I use preferred pronouns on my work email and have been told by a few people that when others do this, it makes them feel supported and accepted. It's a small thing, takes no effort at all, and for those who feel supported by this I'd say it's well worth it.
Maybe you could do an LGBTQ+awareness course?

There are so many, many reasons to not put pronouns in your email signature / bio etc.

One that is often not talked about is how women are treated much worse than men across the board, and that advertising your sex is damaging to women, and men who do it are cementing their privilege.

Also I think of my mum saying 'who's 'she', the cat's mother?', when 'he', especially when capitalised as 'He' literally means 'God'.

So assuming that your husband's intentions are to be more inclusive, tell him that it's actually really detrimental for his female colleagues for him to advertise his maleness.

@Sodiit

I use preferred pronouns on my work email and have been told by a few people that when others do this, it makes them feel supported and accepted. It's a small thing, takes no effort at all, and for those who feel supported by this I'd say it's well worth it. Maybe you could do an LGBTQ+awareness course?

What about the people who don’t feel supported? Eg a man who isn’t out at work as trans and is forced to confront the gender that has been enforced upon him since birth when he believes he is a woman?

A woman who wants to be a man but can’t due to an unsupportive family?

A man who is unsure of his identity and doesn’t want to be forced to decide?

A woman who transed when they were 18 and is now 40 and doesn’t want to be confronted with pronouns and memories every time they send an email?

The "kind" way is to point out that some colleagues may be trans but not yet ready to "come out" at work, so forcing pronoun use would be difficult for them.

Can't be accused of transphobia then.

I am preplanning my own wording to HR on this, and my current draft is

"Thank you for the invitation to add pronouns to my email signature. I will be declining this request, as I do not feel that my personal beliefs on this matter are relevant in the workplace. There is a broad range of beliefs, political and otherwise, which we are not asked to advertise our stance on, and gender ideology falls under that same umbrella for me. I would be happy to participate in any work based research collating the protected characteristics across the organisation for general company improvement (my understanding is however that gender is not included on this, rather biological sex). Regards"

Thanks, this is really helpful. If I play it out in my mind, I think the likely response would be 'I'm not that bothered about any of this, but what harm is it doing?'.

And that's the crux I need to get to, that it puts others in an uncomfortable position, that it reinforces bias.

Because its woke rubbish...

Sorry also not helpful

At my job we got pressured to do this... I have Dr. As my title... When pressed for pronouns I just said "doctor"
And if someone is wanting to say "she".. I'm not the cats mother and they cab say "the doctor"
I now whistle the Dr who tune a lot at work..

Adding pronouns draws attention towards a feature (your sex / gender) which is entirely irrelevant to the quality of your work. But some people are judged at work if they are seen as female, so drawing attention to this will probably have bad effects. Other people don't want to label themselves as masculine or feminine, or may be uncomfortable with these labels so it is bad for them. In fact, the only people not harmed are - guess who - the men!

@Sodiit

I use preferred pronouns on my work email and have been told by a few people that when others do this, it makes them feel supported and accepted. It's a small thing, takes no effort at all, and for those who feel supported by this I'd say it's well worth it. Maybe you could do an LGBTQ+awareness course?

I'd love to know why. Because my experience is that 99% of the pronouns I see on emails/bios match the sex of the person. And the other 1% are they/them. The trans people I work with don't have any in their signatures.

It's like 90% of people putting 'straight' in their bio with a few 'bi' and saying it's supporting gay people. How exactly?

Or people putting 'abled' there. How is that supporting people with disabilities?

Suggest to him that it would be presumptuous on his part to assume anyone gives a rat's ass.

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz

I am preplanning my own wording to HR on this, and my current draft is

"Thank you for the invitation to add pronouns to my email signature. I will be declining this request, as I do not feel that my personal beliefs on this matter are relevant in the workplace. There is a broad range of beliefs, political and otherwise, which we are not asked to advertise our stance on, and gender ideology falls under that same umbrella for me. I would be happy to participate in any work based research collating the protected characteristics across the organisation for general company improvement (my understanding is however that gender is not included on this, rather biological sex). Regards"

Great email.

@Sodiit

I use preferred pronouns on my work email and have been told by a few people that when others do this, it makes them feel supported and accepted. It's a small thing, takes no effort at all, and for those who feel supported by this I'd say it's well worth it. Maybe you could do an LGBTQ+awareness course?

Maybe you could check the law? HTH

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz

I am preplanning my own wording to HR on this, and my current draft is

"Thank you for the invitation to add pronouns to my email signature. I will be declining this request, as I do not feel that my personal beliefs on this matter are relevant in the workplace. There is a broad range of beliefs, political and otherwise, which we are not asked to advertise our stance on, and gender ideology falls under that same umbrella for me. I would be happy to participate in any work based research collating the protected characteristics across the organisation for general company improvement (my understanding is however that gender is not included on this, rather biological sex). Regards"

Really good email. If our very traditional organisation ever goes down this road, I shall take a very similar approach.

@WookeyHole

Thanks, this is really helpful. If I play it out in my mind, I think the likely response would be 'I'm not that bothered about any of this, but what harm is it doing?'.

And that's the crux I need to get to, that it puts others in an uncomfortable position, that it reinforces bias.

The harm it is doing is assuming that everyone buys the gender ideology bullshit. Many don’t.