What is the correct response to TERF?

[flashpaper]

I was called a TERF at work the other day. Someone made a comment about JKR and I just said "JKR said nothing wrong". There was an audible gasp from the others around but the conversation stopped immediately when someone else walked in and asked what was going on. The person who made the comment about JKR in the first place said "we have some trans exclusionary radical feminism going on over here" and pointed at me. I just said "I'm not a trans exclusionary radical feminist". I honestly didn't expect it and didn't have an response prepared.
DP has said I shouldn't make comments like that again as he's worried about me losing my job, so it probably won't happen again, but what should I have said back? What's the correct response to it?

Thank you.

It is really scary, OP, and you have my sympathy. It's so easy for some to say 'tell them to fuck off' or whatever but it's your job, your life and not ours.

You could ask what JKR has actually said? Because none of them will know. They'll have been told what someone thinks she said, and that someone was told by someone else .... Chinese whispers. She has said nothing wrong at all. They just believe what they are told and that is scary indeed.

It's possible that we've reached the point in this issue when you can just roll your eyes and say 'yawn' to indicate we should have moved far beyond these exchanges. But I'm sure @Nellodee has the right response.

@LittleWhingingWoman

I'd rather be a TERF than a WART. (Woman Averse Radical Transactivist)

Love this!! Mind if I use it??

FART (Female Averse Radical Feminist). Love this also !!!

In a similar situation I replied mildly with "How can I be trans-exclusionary when I include transmen in my feminism?"
Which led to a discussion about 'men' and 'women'. I avoided using any 'What is a?' questions, and pointed out that feminism concerns itself with supporting the lives of all female people, regardless of their belief or politics, and particularly with respect to issues caused by male people.

We left it there. They did say "But transmen are men" and I responded with something along the lines of "Everybody has the right to practice their beliefs, but I don't have to believe the same as them. Just like I don't have to believe in Jesus." I don't know whether I made them stop and think, but they certainly never called me a TERF again.

But if I worked somewhere hostile or with someone I felt uneasy about, I would possibly use Nelodee's response.

@Nellodee

How about "Obviously we have very different opinions on this matter. I hope you're able to remain respectful about this in our workplace."

Great response.

I was called a TERF at a work social event. The correct response was "Fuck Off" and a refusal to attend any more while that person was also there. Luckily that person has been suspended for , I assume, unrelated knobbery. I doubt anyone cared that I wasn't going, to be honest. But I did.

It was a man who said it.

I'd definitely have been tempted by my ill-informed misogynist line. Of maybe an eyebrow raise and 'you're an expert of feminism are you?'

Just out of interest OP, was the person who made the comment and referred to you as a TERF a man?

It's sinister and scary either way, but if it's a man policing your speech around women's rights it's worse.

It doesn't really matter how you respond, as long as you don't back down. The whole aim of "T**F is to silence - the implication being that GC views are unsayable.. If you are not silenced, you take the power from your accuser, whatever your response. Coldly professional is good in some contexts, 'fuck off' works well in others.

God, sorry - I need more tea.

I see you've already said it was a man, which is interesting because that's what I assumed.

I'm continually amazed by the number of MNetters who haven't heard of Google.

A friend has MS and can experience overwhelming fatigue. When particularly exasperated, she has been known to comment, "Is your Google broken?"

I think I'd ask them to explain exactly what they meant by the term and how it applies to you. Then watch them tie themselves in knots.

Obviously it depends on the context, and I agree if you can ask what JK actually said that would be a good thing, but it depends whether or not you want to engage, at all.

"I thought she must've said some terrible things, but I've looked them up online I honestly can't see the problem, can anyone show me?"

Or

"Well I don't know about you but I can't defend putting male rapists into female prisons/men competing against women in sport".

"How do you defend that?"

Both those reactions are putting them in the position where they have to defend something, instead of just slinging a slur at you.

And I'd be surprised if you didn't find a lot of agreement, anyway. Men in women's sports is not a popular opinion.

In other words, make it specific. That's if you want to engage in any way, of course.

I’d probably just shrug my shoulders and say “you think I’m a terf, I think you’re a misogynist, so here we are 🤷‍♀️“ and walk away.

Fuck them. But also don’t bother getting into debate with people who throw terf around.
It’s designed to insult and shut down women without genuine debate on issues which exclusively affect us.
If someone has opposing views, that’s absolutely fine isn’t it - we don’t all agree on everything but someone who will easily pull out the terf tactic isn’t someone who will have well informed genuine opinions. So therefore don’t waste your time.

Set them homework: please read her essay, take time to think about it, and then we can all meet again to discuss this next week. Maybe also suggest making a 'time capsule' where they can all record what they think on these issues, and then come back and open it in 5 years and see how well they've aged.

I would have said I'm male exclusionary when it comes to women's single sex places. Or told them they were a misogynist using a sexist slur - see thread here mobile.twitter.com/hogotheforsaken/status/1158355043667664896?lang=en-GB

sounds horrible

@Wavingnotdrown1ng

A biological realist.

I took that to mean the suggestion was to ask the person something like 'what does that mean?'

I find asking questions is the way to go because what they're saying doesn't stand up to scrutiny.

Lean the art of questioning with genuine curiosity until they tie themselves up in knots. Use their method of obfuscating any answers to their questions and instead questioning them once more. The questions are endless:

What makes you say I'm a feminist? - being the first one I'd ask in that situation.

Someone on MN coined the wonderful comeback that TERF stood for
“Tired (of) Explaining Reality (to) Fuckwits.”
I’d have said that your accuser, OP.
They are obviously a shallow virtue signaller, pointing and shrieking “heretic”.
Tell them to “read JKR’s statement and find a single transphobic thing in it. I’ll wait.”

'You mean, a realist?'

Do you have an HR Dept you can report it to? Even if you make it clear they need not take any further action it should be recorded in case of future bullying.

A judge has ruled that Maya's views are protected and "worthy of respect in a democracy society".

You are in solid ground but I understand if you don't want to make a fuss.

A Buttergasp in a office in response to your simply and reasonable statement sounds like you work with some very fragile egos.

No one will ever have the perfect comeback when they need it, OP, but I thought yours was very decent.
More concerning (and possibly actionable) is workplace bullying, name calling, unprofessional behaviour etc. Something to watch out for if it happens again.

Oops, sorry , pp already said more eloquently re bullying