Can I get a lesbian perspective on something please?

[GetGenderInTheBin]

I'm a straight gender non-conforming woman. For instance, I don't wear high heels, make-up, or push-ups bras.

Since joining the gender debate, I have often been called a "dyke", amongst many other insults. I think I get called this because I am gender non-conforming.

I am currently writing about my experiences as a GC feminist, and some of my writings are poetry. Is it okay for me to use the word "dyke" when referring to myself, in the same way that I might call myself a "TERF", "cunt", or "bitch" (i.e. in a way that is reclaiming the word). Or should words only be reclaimed by those that they're directing aimed at?

Thanks.

I'm not a lesbian, however, for my 2 pennies :

TERF is fine
The other words are all insults, so I've no idea why you would call yourself by those names.

Not a lesbian either but wouldn't have thought you could reclaim something that wasn't yours to start with.

If you are writing poetry about your own experiences and being called a dyke is part of that then I dont see why you shouldn't use that word.

However I wouldn't have thought you could call yourself a dyke in a positive way (in the same way that one could say 'I'm that bitch')

I don't wear high heels, make-up, or push-ups bras

In what world is this gender non conforming? The vast majority of women I know wear none of these things, but are unmistakably women, and "gender conforming" ones at that.

Perhaps one may draw a parallel with the N word? Not ok for white people to rehabilitate it, but some Afro-americans used it amongst themselves back in the 90s, and Reginald D Hunter uses it a lot in his stand up comedy act.

Also at this post. I wear minimal make up but have never worn a push up bra that I can recall and stopped wearing high heels many years ago. Sitting here in a hoody and leggings.

Am I really gender non conforming?!

I'm too old for this (mid 40s)

I'm a gender conforming woman. I never wear high heels, make up or push up bras either. By conflating these things with gender, we're just reinforcing harmful stereotypes.

Dyke is an insult that has been aimed at lesbians for many years. It's now something that some people actively reclaim, for example I allow my gay friends to use it in an affectionate way during normal conversation but I would not be happy with a stranger using it in the street.

However, I would suspect, given your description of yourself as gender non-conforming, that the term is being aimed at you as the user thinks you are a lesbian due to your appearance. It's something that has 'traditionally' been aimed at more masculine lesbians as an insult. I would not feel comfortable with you using the term as you are not a lesbian, there are other terms for androgynous or GNC women which do not have the added implication of sexuality and the history that comes along with dyke as a highly emotive insult for a specific group.

I'm a lesbian and I would find a straight women referring to herself as a dyke odd.

It would be like a flamboyantly dressed heterosexual man referring to himself as a faggot.

Butch is better than dyke and has less negative connotations.

Is it okay for me to use the word "dyke" when referring to myself, in the same way that I might call myself a "TERF", "cunt", or "bitch"

I think it's ok for you to refer to yourself as any of those things if you are them. If you are a cunt, call yourself a cunt. You can't call yourself a dyke when you are a straight woman though, even if you don't wear a push up bra.

No. You cannot use dyke. I’m a gay woman and find it repulsive that you would want to use the word in the context you wish to. Straight people should not use any defamatory term thrown at the LGBT+ community. I’m glad you asked

Not a lesbian.
I think a straight women calling herself a dyke would be a bit odd.
It's meant as an insult to a woman assumed to be a lesbian. Dyke doesn't automatically infer you're not 'feminine' looking either

I don't wear push up bras, heels or make up because of time/money/comfort. I'm not gender non conforming. I don't think gender exists as it pertains to my life. I just wear clothes I like. Most women I know are the same.

My DD - who is a teen in a world with peers who have entrenched views - sometimes deliberately subverts expectations to make a point. It's a conscious act. She almost makes an art form of it, mostly to underline hypocrisy. 90% of the time, she dresses solely for comfort.

There is a subtle difference between us.

Thanks for all your comments. It has been good to hear different perspectives.

To clarify, I am not calling myself a "dyke" in day-to-day life. I only wanted to use it when writing about my experience as a GC feminist.

Over the five years I have been in this fight, I have had "dyke" thrown at me several times. I want to reclaim it and wear it with pride. I want to show people that I am not afraid of the names they're calling me.

I'm a lesbian and I strongly believe that language in literary contexts should be as unrestricted as possible. So I would have absolutely no problem with you using that slur in poetry.

@Kiddothefatcat

No. You cannot use dyke. I’m a gay woman and find it repulsive that you would want to use the word in the context you wish to. Straight people should not use any defamatory term thrown at the LGBT+ community. I’m glad you asked

Out of interest, how do you think it should be handled when two lesbians have diametrically opposed views on something like this?

@Kiddothefatcat

No. You cannot use dyke. I’m a gay woman and find it repulsive that you would want to use the word in the context you wish to. Straight people should not use any defamatory term thrown at the LGBT+ community. I’m glad you asked

Absolutely this.

You have never/will never experience lesbian bashing, or corrective rape, or the day to day, completely socially acceptable casual contempt that erodes your sense of self and erases your specific lesbian experience from social inclusion or validation. You will not spend your teenage years searching desperately for just one cultural artefact, one character or story or painting or play that does not have you defeated or dead (and somehow deservedly so), to find the barest resemblance to the possibility of a happy ending..

You have no idea how culturally privileged you are.

This has made me quite angry; I expect cultural/intellectual appropriation from men, not women.

@GetGenderInTheBin

Thanks for all your comments. It has been good to hear different perspectives.

To clarify, I am not calling myself a "dyke" in day-to-day life. I only wanted to use it when writing about my experience as a GC feminist.

Over the five years I have been in this fight, I have had "dyke" thrown at me several times. I want to reclaim it and wear it with pride. I want to show people that I am not afraid of the names they're calling me.

You don't need to clarify. We know what you meant. We said no.

We’re all entitled to our different views. It’s what make the world an interesting place. It may be because I’m in my 40’s and have heard the word used in such derogatory ways against my kin. Personally though I do not feel comfortable with a straight person using the word . I do however have gay friends who refer to themselves as dyke and have absolutely no problem with this

Presumably if you were writing that you’d been called that, it would be okay, because that’s the truth. I wouldn’t call myself something I wasn’t though.

This is reminding me a bit of straight women calling themselves political lesbians in the 80s.
Which was also quite inflammatory.

I just find it quite confusing.
If you're not a dyke why call yourself a dyke?
In my circles it is a positive term for many lesbians who use it to describe themselves.

And I am reminded of what we say about TIMs -'Woman is not a costume'. If wearing 'woman' as a costume is offensive and unacceptable, why would you think it in any way tolerable to wear 'lesbian' as a costume in exactly the same way?

Identity tourism is unacceptable no matter who does it, or however (patronisingly) you think you are championing us.

I'm not cos-playing as a lesbian.

I dress, behave, and speak only as myself.

I am not trying to make anyone think that I am a lesbian, but I am not bothered if they do think that either.

Would you not be bothered if someone thought 'oh wow - another lesbian in my local area/social circle/artistic medium/whatever - I'm not alone' and then they were disappointed or confused?