Can I get a lesbian perspective on something please?

[GetGenderInTheBin]

I'm a straight gender non-conforming woman. For instance, I don't wear high heels, make-up, or push-ups bras.

Since joining the gender debate, I have often been called a "dyke", amongst many other insults. I think I get called this because I am gender non-conforming.

I am currently writing about my experiences as a GC feminist, and some of my writings are poetry. Is it okay for me to use the word "dyke" when referring to myself, in the same way that I might call myself a "TERF", "cunt", or "bitch" (i.e. in a way that is reclaiming the word). Or should words only be reclaimed by those that they're directing aimed at?

Thanks.

Okay, I won't use the word.

However, just to clarify how I was using it, here is an excerpt from one of the poems I wrote:

Name-calling, name-calling, name-calling,
It hurt me at first, but now it's my calling,

You call me a bitch? Yes, I'm a bitch.
You call me a TERF? Yes, I'm a TERF.
You call me a dyke? Yes, I'm a dyke.
You call me a cow? Yes, I'm a cow.

Look at me now. Your tricks don't work.
I'm high up here while you shout from the dirt.

I don't wear high heels, make up or push up bra either.... I'm just a regular woman. No need to label me!!

*I'm a straight gender non-conforming woman. For instance, I don't wear high heels, make-up, or push-ups bras.
*
Why on earth would avoiding heels, lipstick and a push-up bra make you gender non-conforming?

That's the most ludicrous thing to say!

@achillesshield

I'm a gender conforming woman. I never wear high heels, make up or push up bras either. By conflating these things with gender, we're just reinforcing harmful stereotypes.

Appearance wise I'm ultra gender conforming. I rarely wear high heels and have never owned a push up bra.

That comment just comes across as so belittling of other women - you know all those silly, airheads who bother about that sort of stuff.

cunt", or "bitch" (i.e. in a way that is reclaiming the word

There's been endless threads about "reclaiming" cunt. Not sure how one can "reclaim" bitch.

I find it an odd idea. Dh has often had racist slurs thrown at him that don’t reflect his ethnicity. He doesn’t pretend to be from the culture/background they imagine he is.

Surely the OP is gender non conforming ?
In our world to conform to the gender (=sex role stereotype) includes a particular style of personal presentation which comprises make up, a proper hairstyle, shaved body hair, dresses rather than trousers and high heels rather than trainers
If she isn't presenting like this then in appearance at least she is gender non conforming

Yes, I'm not quite following the negative responses . Posting "I'm gender non conforming- never wear / do etc, etc" is a pretty bog- standard statement usually.

My gender has never been questioned despite never wearing heels, make up or dresses.

No. You can't use it. I'm gender non-confirming and bisexual and I wouldn't use it because I'm not a lesbian. It just isn't authentic or true to use it (even for me if I was in a same sex relationship it wouldn't be true to use it). It would be like reclaiming a racist term for a racial group you don't belong to.

What are you wanting to do with these poems? If it's just writing it in your own notebook then you can write what you want. If you are submitting it to a magazine, competition or performing it publicly then no I don't think it's appropriate.

I can imagine your poem as a rap OP.

Still not convinced that dyke works.

It would be like Eminem rapping 'you call me a N? Yes I'm a N'

@GetGenderInTheBin

Okay, I won't use the word.

However, just to clarify how I was using it, here is an excerpt from one of the poems I wrote:

Name-calling, name-calling, name-calling,
It hurt me at first, but now it's my calling,

You call me a bitch? Yes, I'm a bitch.
You call me a TERF? Yes, I'm a TERF.
You call me a dyke? Yes, I'm a dyke.
You call me a cow? Yes, I'm a cow.

Look at me now. Your tricks don't work.
I'm high up here while you shout from the dirt.

Another clarification that changes nothing. We knew what you meant. It still does not work. You are still not a lesbian.

@felulageller

What are you wanting to do with these poems? If it's just writing it in your own notebook then you can write what you want. If you are submitting it to a magazine, competition or performing it publicly then no I don't think it's appropriate.

Why not? Can't poems be fictitious?

E.g Sylvia Plath was not Jewish and her father was not a Nazi.

The reason why it's okay to use words in a poem that aren't okay to use normally is this: the "I" that speaks in poetry isn't directly, literally the writer of the poem. It's often known as the "lyric I". That's why poems are so often borrowed for occasions like weddings and funerals: we all understand that they can express feelings and ideas that go beyond the very specific biographical experience of just one individual.

@KimikosNightmare Exactly. Poems can be anything. Someone can write a poem pretending to be alive in the tenth century if they want. Or pretending to be a man. Anything! It's literature. It's imagination. That's the whole point.

Indeed, restricting it to "you can literally only talk about your biographical experience" seems to me to be restrictive in a harmful way that is reminiscent of the controlling ideologies a lot of women on here criticise.

@Innocenta

The reason why it's okay to use words in a poem that aren't okay to use normally is this: the "I" that speaks in poetry isn't directly, literally the writer of the poem. It's often known as the "lyric I". That's why poems are so often borrowed for occasions like weddings and funerals: we all understand that they can express feelings and ideas that go beyond the very specific biographical experience of just one individual.

Yes, exactly this. Poetry and writing aren’t meant to be directly autobiographical and only that. They allow for lots of creative and fictional speakers and worlds.

I have no problem as a lesbian with you using that word OP - words are just words, and if we allow ourselves to gatekeep them and try to say who can or can’t use them based on “identity”, then we’re doing exactly the same as the gender ideologues who believe that words and selves are the same thing, “woman” must be erased if it offends a few people, and “identity” trumps everything else.

Use words how you like, especially in poetry. Others can take offence, or not, or dislike it, or not. We are all able to tell the difference between words and “literal violence”. It’s not “hate speech”.

OP can use that word to narrate her experiences of having it used to her.
OP can use that word in fiction to describe the perspectives and identity of a lesbian character.

OP should not use that word to describe herself because it means lesbian, and OP does not identify as a lesbian.

Lesbians need to have words to describe ourselves, and dyke is one of them. I'm a dyke. My wife is a dyke. My ex-girlfriends (mostly) identify as dykes. The community that supported me as an isolated mixed-up teenager was full of strong dykes I could look up to.

Dykes are women who f?! women and have chosen to reclaim a word used to try to shame them for that. If you don't f?! women, you're not a dyke, and saying you are is taking something that isn't yours.

The parallel here isn't with those seeking to erase the word 'woman'. It's with those seeking to use the word 'woman' about themselves based on a superficial perception of similarity and a false assumption of a shared experience of marginalisation.

I find this so cringe and stereotypical. You’re gender non conforming as you don’t wear make up a push up bra and heels? How very offensive to all women and deeply shallow minded. Is that really what you see as gender conforming for a woman?

I think some of the difficulty here is that the OP assumes the word 'dyke' is purely experienced by lesbians as an insult. As drhf points out, however, a lot of us have chosen to reclaim the word, to redefine it as someone proud of their sexual, social and romantic identity. If you ventriloquize 'dyke' in this way, using it purely as an insult, you strip away all of the nuance, all of the power we have imbued it with in making it our own. And (I don't know how many times I have to say this) it is not yours to take. You would not (or I hope you would not) ventriloquize n*** in this way. This is exactly the same, a word used to redefine, shame and disempower taken from its original meaning and turned into a source of pride and strength.

Plus I begin to find your original post a little disingenuous; you asked for a lesbian perspective, and you got one ( or a majority, anyway). Does your privilege now entitle you to ignore that perspective because it wasn't the one you wanted?

Bugger. That's n***.

@CompleteGinasaur OP is using it in poetry. Not trying to 'reclaim' the slur to describe herself in the everyday. That's a critical distinction and one that you're either missing or choosing to ignore.

You call me a dyke? Yes, I'm a dyke.

But you’ve said you’re not.

[quote Innocenta]@CompleteGinasaur OP is using it in poetry. Not trying to 'reclaim' the slur to describe herself in the everyday. That's a critical distinction and one that you're either missing or choosing to ignore. [/quote]
She said some of her writing is poetry. And you can’t reclaim something that was never yours for goodness sake.

It’s all a little too teenage angst for me, whilst making an absolute and utter mockery of what GC means. The definition of a gender non conforming woman is nothing to do with push up bras heels or make up, that’s lazy offensive shallow stereotyping. Then to go on and call yourself something you never were and pretend you’re reclaiming it is all so teenage attention seeking, pretending to be edgy whilst failing miserably.

@Innocenta OP clearly states intention to "reclaim" the word. And whilst I do have some reservations about using it metaphorically OP also explicitly asks "should words only be reclaimed by those that they're directing (sic) aimed at?" The question seems to be where is the line between poetic use of metaphor and cultural appropriation. For me, this crosses that line, especially in light of most of the lesbian viewpoints expressed in this thread. I'm not choosing to ignore it (I'm a poet myself), but I am somewhat ticked off by OP's persistence in the face of the opinions she solicited in the first instance.

@CompleteGinasaur I said "to describe herself in the everyday". Surely as a poet yourself, you understand that the "lyric I" is not identical with the writer's literal self?