My partner told me to go be an independent modern woman

[blueberrybabe]

During an argument my partner told me to go be an independent modern woman and get a full time job , put our son in nursery and we should split the bills 50/50. I was shocked by this statement . The argument started off because everytime he comes home from work he literally has his dinner and then he’s gone into the room, watching YouTube , playing x box . I don’t see him till bedtime after I’ve put our son to sleep . Even on the weekends when he’s not working it’s the same . I don’t see him. He doesn’t do any parental role , only thing I can get him to do is watch our son for 10-15 minutes so I can maybe tidy up or go use the bathroom.
I told him how is he expecting me to get a full time job then come home to look after our toddler and cook and clean etc . I would end up over exhausted. I told him if he wants me to contribute to the bills 50/50 then he will need to contribute to the house hold and our son 50/50 too. Take turns on the chores , this whole him coming home from work and doing nothing can’t happen, he will also need to contribute towards nursery, I also mentioned he would need to hire a cleaner then. Overall he didn’t like what I was saying and went quite . I know he’s telling his family that I’m lazy and I don’t want to work but that is not the case . I have always worked before I had my baby, but my circumstances right now don’t allow me to work. I hate how I am being shamed for not being a strong independent modern woman. It’s like I need to prove a point and show that i can do it all but my mental health won’t cope with working full time then having everything at home be my responsibility. What are you opinions ? And for mums who do work full time what is your home life like ? Do you share household responsibility

I'm so sorry you're having to cope with this. I think you may have posted on the wrong thread, though, and may get more response on a different one? I'm not experienced on Mumsnet, so I wouldn't be able to recommend a more suitable one. Good luck.

OP, it is sad to read this. This man has some sort of expectation that his work means he doesn't contribute to the running of the household. Did he do this before your child arrived?

Of course he needs to contribute and if you go to work, he also needs to contribute to cost of nursery and all costs.

I would remind him that he is certainly not a strong independent man because he thinks that he has the entitlement to your labour.

Honestly, he sounds awful and as though he has no respect for you. I appreciate that it isn't easy just to leave, but think about what you're actually getting from this relationship. What does he do to support you/make life easier for you/make you feel good about yourself? Is this the relationship you want modelled to your child?
I don't think anyone on this board would think you lazy looking after a small child and single-handedly running a home.
Who owns your home? Do you have any savings?

OP, you will certainly get a feminist perspective here.

I also wonder if you might be better asking for this to be moved to the Relationships board.

Tell him to be a modern independent man

Not a lazy left over from another era

I think that regardless of what he said, as a (presumably) unmarried mum, you will better protect yourself for the future by working. Being a SAHM can come at a huge financial and career cost for women, which is only balanced out by the protection that being married offers you. All the time he’s working his way up the career ladder and making pension contributions while you’re not, it’s putting you at a disadvantage. If you split in 10 years time you’ll be entitled to nothing from him. If you were married then he’d have to split the benefit of his extra earning capacity with you for the time you’ve taken out of work to raise his child.

People who suggest women should marry before having babies aren’t doing it out of some outdated sense of tradition, but to point out that you are much more vulnerable as the mum of a young child while your working potential is hampered.

He’s shown that he’s not the type of man to value your contribution so stop making it. If he continues with this attitude I’d be tempted to leave him - it couldn’t be any harder than it is right now and he’d at least have to pay child support. If you stay with him then any choices you make about how your child(ren) are raised and how you share finances should be made together after looking into the financial implications for you.

If he wants you to work full time everything would need to be split 50:50 including child care and housework. Obviously.

But I guess it depends what was said in the original argument as to whether he was out of order or not.

I don't think anyone on this board would think you lazy looking after a small child and single-handedly running a home.

Fuck no. I doubt you will get anyone who has looked after any child of any age telling you that you are lazy.

I also think that not one parent on this board would support one who clearly leaves the role to look after a child on another parent the way your partner has.

I would also be looking at your relationship from a point of view of equity. If you separate now, will you get any consideration for your contribution so far? You are not married, do you have any enforceable agreement between you if you live in the UK? I know some other countries will have automatic protection built in if you are cohabitating together etc.

I am a full time working mum.
I don't cook, DP does, this means he also does the shopping.
I clean the house, he does the laundry.
As DP does the cooking I wash up.
Bedtime for the younger children, we take in turns. It is rare we will not take turns. If I am poorly DP will offer to do my bedtime but I usually say no. It is usually only swapped after a medical procedure or an extremely bad day.
Bath time, I bath the children, he dries them and does their hair.
DP is better at organising crafts than me so he will set those up with the kids. I will play the games.

Tell him if thats the case you will only do 50/50 of everything. The housework and childcare will get divided up. You will no longer be 'little miss housewife' as this is not at all how an independent woman would be.

Also, by the sounds of it, you are feeling quite overwhelmed with all that is expected of you. I believe that you going to work...and him actually doing 50% of the housework your mental health will hopefully get better?

I found it really sad to read that he comes home, ignores his son and locks himself away playing Xbox. That's heartbreaking. What a pathetic man-child.

I do agree that you're in a vulnerable position as an unmarried SAHM. I don't think you ought to shackle yourself to this loser for life either, so in your place I'd be thinking about long-term plans to be an independent modern woman away from him!

My husband and I work full time and our child is therefore in nursery full time. It works really well, but we can afford it and have a bit of flexibility in our jobs so pick-up and drop-off aren't a pain. Regardless, the household duties are divided between us and my husband can't get enough of spending time with his child. He would play all day if he could! And he has been that way since day one. I know this will sound smug, but it's heartbreaking that your son is being rejected by his dad and I actually think it might be better for him not to live with his dad and grow up feeling constantly rejected by him.

Full time working mum here too but everything is then 50/50 - DH does 50% of the housework. I do more childcare in the week due to my working arrangements being more flexible and him finishing later but he does more at the weekend too make sure I get a rest too/have time for myself. We've worked like this since DS was 6mo, so the last 6 years, we also have a 4yo now. It can work but both have to pull their weight.

Your DH sounds like an arse that is happy to treat you like a housekeeper. Even if I was a SAHM I can't imagine I would be content to put up with that.

He'll be forced to do a bit more on his days if you leave him won't he!!

You could be a modern woman, OP, if he were a modern man. But he's actually behaving like a 1950s man.

He sounds a total arse, but leaving isn't that easy, is it?

@Idroppedthescrewinthetuna yes I am overwhelmed. I did express that to him and ended up crying out of frustration . I feel like a lot is on my plate . I feel like I work all day only to experience my evenings alone with my son. He acts like I don’t do anything will complain about maybe the oven being clean or their being a pile of laundry not folded etc .. he doesn’t realise that the reason some of these things don’t get done is because I’m overwhelmed doing other things and looking after our toddler

@CrispAndFrosty I’ve thought about this . But I just feel like he won’t be in his life at all or be a dead beat if I left . I keep wondering what’s a worst for my son. To have a father he sees everyday who spends very little time with him or to not have a father in his life .

^^”He'll be forced to do a bit more on his days if you leave him won't he!!”

This, this, this!!!!

On top of everything else, men who don’t want to spend time with their children are deeply unattractive.

I wouldn’t put up with this, OP. You are not lazy, he just has his head up his arse and I may take drastic measures to force it back out again.

@Ghostsintheshelf I do have savings . I also do some tutoring/ essay writing and proof reading for university students . It’s just something I do on the side and get some income out of .

I mean going out in the day, coming home for a meal cooked for him in home that's been tidied for him, and then going to his room to play x box all evening is pretty much the exact expectation of a teenage boy rather than an independent grown man, isn't it? The only difference is that he goes to work rather than school and its you slaving away after him rather than his mummy.

@Helleofabore yes he really thinks that him working means he deserves to come home and relax. If I ask him to do one little thing he reminds me how he’s been working all day for me . He even threatens to not give me any money . But the money he gives me isn’t for myself I spend it on food , travel and our son. I have my own income I earn sometimes and savings and that’s what I spend on myself .

He's the lazy one. Notice he doesn't say he wants to split the household chores and the childcare 50:50.

What are your options?

@thevassal yes. I feel like he’s my son. Like I have two children around the house . Especially when our toddler goes into the room to play with him and he tells me to come and get him because he’s playing online . I feel like I have a teenager and a toddler

Oh my love , he doesn't see you as a partner, he sees you as an unpaid house keeper. You going back to work wont change that. You will just be working on top of house keeping and toddler wrangling.

This is no life. You need to have a big conversation about what you both want out of family life. If his answer is to continue to be left alone to play video games, then i think you know what you need to do.

I work 4 days a week and have two young children.
We have a cleaner. I do most of the cooking (I enjoy it).
I would say tidying is 40% me, 60% DH (he is naturally tidier than I am).
I do more of homework / school reading side.
We both do bedtimes (divide and conquer).
Tell your lazy DH to be a modern man.

My opinion is that your husband is a hypocritical asshole. He needs to learn not to bite the literal hand that feeds him.

He has it really good. Clean house and dinner on the table when he gets home. Then he doesn’t even parent the baby he helped make. Let me correct myself.. your husband is a selfish, self centered, hypocritical asshole.

What kills me is men who go out to conquer the world and earn lots of money are able to do so because they have wives at home doing everything else. All the life admin is done by you OP, so your husband can focus only on work.

Sorry.. and what’s this nonsense about men using “strong independent woman” as a shaming tactic so they don’t have to contribute financially to their family life?

If he doesn’t want a stay at home wife then he can say so. If he finds being the sole provider hard then just say that. A lot of men are not able to handle that. So be it.. but there is no reason for him to imply you aren’t pulling your weight. It’s easier to go out and work and then come home to a hot cooked meal, no housework, no parenting duties IMO then stay home and parent and take care of a home. So I’m glad you laid it out for him what would need to be done so that you can go back to work. The reality of him doing more than sitting on his useless ass playing video games and watching YouTube in the evenings I’m sure hit him hard.

If I were you I would take his advice, get rid of him, get a job I enjoy and live my life single and independent. What would change? You sound like you’re doing everyone by yourself anyway.

Hes being a knob.
I thought exH did more than 50% at home but since we split and did 50/50 care I've found it a lot easier to balance work and parenting.
I know you didn't ask but I'd leave and either he pays CMS or he has kids 50/50 and you get a job the other 50%

Halfway house is you agree what days he will be "on duty", get a job those days abd act exactly as he is now, i.e. do fuck all at home

Yuck. He sounds awful.