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Original poster

My partner told me to go be an independent modern woman

55 replies

blueberrybabe · 02/12/2021 11:39

During an argument my partner told me to go be an independent modern woman and get a full time job , put our son in nursery and we should split the bills 50/50. I was shocked by this statement . The argument started off because everytime he comes home from work he literally has his dinner and then he’s gone into the room, watching YouTube , playing x box . I don’t see him till bedtime after I’ve put our son to sleep . Even on the weekends when he’s not working it’s the same . I don’t see him. He doesn’t do any parental role , only thing I can get him to do is watch our son for 10-15 minutes so I can maybe tidy up or go use the bathroom.
I told him how is he expecting me to get a full time job then come home to look after our toddler and cook and clean etc . I would end up over exhausted. I told him if he wants me to contribute to the bills 50/50 then he will need to contribute to the house hold and our son 50/50 too. Take turns on the chores , this whole him coming home from work and doing nothing can’t happen, he will also need to contribute towards nursery, I also mentioned he would need to hire a cleaner then. Overall he didn’t like what I was saying and went quite . I know he’s telling his family that I’m lazy and I don’t want to work but that is not the case . I have always worked before I had my baby, but my circumstances right now don’t allow me to work. I hate how I am being shamed for not being a strong independent modern woman. It’s like I need to prove a point and show that i can do it all but my mental health won’t cope with working full time then having everything at home be my responsibility. What are you opinions ? And for mums who do work full time what is your home life like ? Do you share household responsibility

OP posts:
Kotatsu · 02/12/2021 12:54

My ex wasn't quite so stark about it (he expected me to use my work skills to help him in his work, and neglect my freelancing to do so!), but similarly did basically nothing with the kids.

Since ending it a year ago (ignoring us turned to major infidelity) I've been so much happier - yes, it's tough, being the only person responsible for the kids, but TBH no worse than feeling alone whilst being in a relationship.

The kids didn't even notice he was gone for a couple of months. Even now, he sees the eldest once a week, and both of them together once a fortnight, and that's plenty for them. They get excited about seeing friends and grandparents, but can take or leave him. Him having basically removed himself from their lives already means they just don't miss him - and we have so much more fun together now that we can just do things, and not worry about daddy feeling left out.

CrispAndFrosty · 02/12/2021 12:55

@blueberrybabe I'm so sorry, I know it's not an easy choice and I agree he sounds like the deadbeat type.

Ghostsintheshelf · 02/12/2021 12:57

He's threatening to withhold money - that's abusive. Imagine if he were paying you a salary for childcare, cook and cleaner. Please don't stay with this man. They're not an endangered species - you don't need to cling on to him, there are decent ones out there if you do want a relationship.

PermanentTemporary · 02/12/2021 12:59

Well, you're with someone who's behaving like a twat. It happens to many of us. It sounds as if he's totally unable to cope with looking after a baby, and when it gets boring or difficult - which it is, most people find looking after a baby boring at times, often for months at a time - his brain or upbringing tells him he doesn't have to be patient or get through those difficult feelings and that someone else will do it for him. That's because it's not like a job or real work, is it? It's women's work, so if it's hard it can't be because he needs to learn, it's because it's not 'right for him', and it never could be, because he has a penis.

And you do step in, because the alternative is actual neglect of your son by his father and because you love your son you sort it out.

Just tell him you get that parenting is too hard for him and he's not intelligent enough to learn on his own.

334bu · 02/12/2021 12:59

I am sorry OP but threatening to withhold money is abusive behaviour and a form of coercive control. I would think very carefully about your position.

unname · 02/12/2021 12:59

Has he ever stayed home for a day and parented alone? If not I think you should make this happen.

Original poster
blueberrybabe · 02/12/2021 12:59

@MarshmallowSwede thanks. I am doing everything by myself anyways and spend majority of my time with my toddler or alone . I already feel single . He spends little time with us . Even when he makes a coffee after his dinner he goes into the room. I ask him to sit with us and drink it and he can watch whatever rubbish YouTube videos he watches in the living room so we can all spend some time together . But he refuses . I wait till my toddler is asleep to shower or do the things I want to do. At this point being single won’t make much of a difference

OP posts:
Beamur · 02/12/2021 13:04

He's a real peach isn't he.
50:50 would be a break for you and a wake up call for him.
You have my sympathies OP

Ohsugarhoneyicetea · 02/12/2021 13:04

He's projecting, he is the lazy pisstaker and he knows it. Bet he does a rubbish minimal job at work as well as nothing at home or as a parent. Its a mind set. Get rid of the sponger, his job wont last if that's his behaviour anyway, you're better off making it on your own.

FindTheTruth · 02/12/2021 13:31

I keep wondering what’s a worst for my son. To have a father he sees everyday who spends very little time with him or to not have a father in his life.

A different question: "What's BEST for you?" What's an ideal life for you including being a happy parent raising a happy child?

OP from what you describe, you son doesn't have a father in his life. If you separate then ironically your son could actually get to 'spend time' with him.

CrispAndFrosty · 02/12/2021 13:36

@blueberrybabe yes, I focused on your son but the same is true for you. You are being rejected daily by this man. Imagine if you were free, one day, to enjoy the companionship of another man. Not necessarily live with him - just be able to enjoy yourself with someone who makes you feel good, go on dates. You feel single but you're not free to mingle as a single woman (not that you even have the time!). He's a dog in the manger. I'm glad to read that you do have a bit of freelance work, and it sounds like quite skilled work too.

I read a good bit of advice once (not that I always take it, but I should): imagine the situation is unchanged for the next year, two years, five years, ten years, forty years. At what point will you cut your losses? Decide what it will take, and start making a plan.

bordermidgebite · 02/12/2021 13:37

Is it good for your son to have his dad as a role model? How will that help him grow into a good , kind man ? One that you could be proud of ?

Coyoacan · 02/12/2021 13:50

Being single would be so much better, I would think. I split from my dd's father before she was born as I knew that he would be exactly like that, whether I earned money or not.

I'd personally much rather be alone than with a misogynist pig

FlyingOink · 02/12/2021 14:06

Sounds like he'd leave if he got a better offer anyway. He's completely disengaged from his family. He's bitter that he doesn't get to spend all his money on himself. He has no interest in his son. He has no interest in OP.

If another woman or a better job elsewhere or whatever else came up, he'd be gone. No point waiting for it to happen, OP might as well leave him now if she can. And if you can't OP, work towards a plan.

It's not a short term depressive episode, this guy just doesn't want family life now he's got it. He might miss it when it's gone, he undoubtedly will blame OP for everything to everyone, but he's not a team player, he's not interested, and he doesn't even see OP as an equal. Hence the sarcastic "independent woman" remark.

He's not even a 1950s man, they didn't spend hours alone playing games originally intended for children did they? They at least socialised with other men...

Nellodee · 02/12/2021 14:18

Even if you got a job, you have presumably taken a hit to your earning potential through maternity leave, whilst his should have been bolstered by being entirely supported at home and not having to expend any mental energy on his household. If you did get a job, bills should at best be split in proportion to earnings and certainly not fifty fifty.

Idroppedthescrewinthetuna · 02/12/2021 14:38

[quote blueberrybabe]@thevassal yes. I feel like he’s my son. Like I have two children around the house . Especially when our toddler goes into the room to play with him and he tells me to come and get him because he’s playing online . I feel like I have a teenager and a toddler[/quote]
Or option 3, a wonderful mummy who is unhappy.

3 is the worse.

Look at this another way. What kind of man is your son learning to be? A man who is going to help his future partner or one who plays xbox while his partner does all the donkey work.

I don't mean to be harsh OP Daffodil

Idroppedthescrewinthetuna · 02/12/2021 14:40

[quote blueberrybabe]@CrispAndFrosty I’ve thought about this . But I just feel like he won’t be in his life at all or be a dead beat if I left . I keep wondering what’s a worst for my son. To have a father he sees everyday who spends very little time with him or to not have a father in his life .[/quote]
This was the reply I was meant to post just

TheBurmundseyIndustrialEstate · 02/12/2021 15:32

My ex was like this and believe me they do not improve with age.
I ended up with 2 kids living a separate life and indifference towards us turned into bitterness, it was just a big waste of years of my life.
He lives in a bedsit on his own now with beloved computer.

Iliketherainbest · 02/12/2021 15:55

Maybe provide him with a fullsome list of household tasks and chores (including the nursery run and taking days off for child sickness) and ask him which half he is would like to do when you get a job. That might temper his thinking!!!!

PanicPrevention · 02/12/2021 16:50

Hes already a deadbeat.
What example is he setting to your son?
What example are you setting by putting up with such shoddy treatment from this manchild?
To answer your question, I work full time and do all the shopping, cooking and 90% cleaning and laundry because I'm a single parent.
My son does the other 10%and makes his own breakfast and packed lunch and keeps his own room clean.
Its not too bad, tiring sometimes but I'm not wasting energy resenting someone who should be helping but isnt.
Im not sad or angry or taken for granted and disrespected.
I know this isnt what you asked but I really think the best thing you could do for yourself and your son in this situation is leave.

lazylinguist · 02/12/2021 16:58

What an arsehole. He wants you to work full time so that you bring in money, but he clearly has every intention of making sure you still do all the parenting and housework, doesn't he? I don't see a solution other than leaving him tbh. The only other choices are to carry on as you are (lonely and unsupported) or get a full time job like he says (lonely, unsupported and even more knackered than you are now) - while he sits on his games console Hmm.

Phobiaphobic · 02/12/2021 17:22

Your partner is a misogynist bully. Repeat. Your partner is a misogynist bully. For your sake, and for the sake of your child, I'd recommend you do everything in your power to exit that relationship.

RaisedByPangolins · 02/12/2021 18:14

Another single parent here too - and I do about 50/50 on the laundry with the kids, none of the cleaning as I pay someone else (who loves doing it!) while I’m working, so that I can spend my leisure time enjoying my DCs. XH doesn’t even live in this country so I get zero time off, but I don’t need it because I love my life. And he pays maintenance which helps too.

Your man here is financially abusive as well as being a useless lump of flesh, so you may as well go down the official route and get him to pay maintenance, get a job either whatever you used to do or something entirely new. You’ll be eligible for some top up working benefits if your wage isn’t enough to support you and your son, so you’re not going to be reliant on this idiot to support you - any payments you get out him will be a bonus.

He may well threaten that he wants your son 50/50 to get out of paying you anything, so keep a record of all the times you’ve asked him to help (if you can’t get it in writing - by text etc - even better!) then you can show that it’s not in your sons best interest to be with his uninterested dad 50/50.

Honestly your lives will be so much happier without him loafing around ignoring you both. Flowers

SocialConnection · 04/12/2021 16:28

You're his mum, cook, cleaner, laundress ... He's 14.

princessleah1 · 04/12/2021 19:45

If you stay with him you need to be clear about the sharing of jobs. The only way I've found that works is take it in turns. Anything else leads to the mum doing the bulk of the work.
If you leave him you need to an carefully because he sounds like an entitled man who will expect his child as and when he has wants and leave you to pick up the pieces when he stuffs the child with junk food, puts them to bed at midnight etc