I'm a bit lost and need some guidance please regarding DD

[blibblibs]

My apologies as this might all come out a bit garbled but I'm at a loss as to how to handle this situation. I hope I've put this in the right place but I'm sure it'll be moved if not!
DD12 goes to a stonewall school (very limited options, good acedemic scores, would've avoided it if I could) and within months of starting had declared herself trans. Never been on the radar before, had mixed interest covering both typically gendered ideas.
In the past year we've pretty much ignored/gone with it. Hair has been cut, no problems with that, clothes have changed as and when needed and it's been very much a that's lovely dear attitude from us. But she's become increasingly agitated that we won't use her preferred pronouns and continue to use her dead name.
She has one particular friend who is also travelling this path and her behaviour and attitude is always worse after spending time with them. We're now onto why we won't let her have a binder
School have spoken to me to request a name change on documentations which I didn't allow but explained I was aware friends would call her her 'new' name but that I treated it very much like a nickname. I have since discovered it has been changed on the register, however all correspondence I receive has her given name.
But I'm lost has to how to move forward, fight against it and it will become even more appealing but ignoring it doesn't seem to be working either.
If I thought these were her own feelings or if it continues as she gets older and is able to actually discuss it without tantrums and door slamming I will obviously support her but for now it seems entirely like brainwashing and I don't really know how to move forward with it.

Get her the fuck out of that school.

What exactly is a Stonewall School ?

@SammyScrounge

What exactly is a Stonewall School ?

They’re a Stonewall Champion. See here for more info

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4156137--to-think-Stonewall-should-not-be-involved-with-schools

Keep an eye on what she's doing online.

OP

Please get some support from organisations such as

www.transgendertrend.com/

You’ll get good advice here but if you want to DM me your area of the country I can probably put you in touch with some local people who will also have lots of advice for you.

Move schools
Move house if you have to go get her away from the other kid
Take away her phone and unsupervised internet access

Out of the school immediately. That's what I would do. It is a fad among young people but you cant have responsible adults supporting the nonsense.

You can push back against this. Your child needs space to navigate puberty without the school pushing their agenda onto her.
Join Bayswater Support group, there is a section for schools.

Alternatively contact Safe Schools Alliance directly and they will help you with how to complain to the school.

It would be tempting to remove her, but a lot of schools are now similar, and we have found you are often more successful fighting back within the school and your actions will have a positive knock on effect on many children in that school.

Get support before approaching the school - remember they have the resources of Stonewall behind them. But they also know about Safeguarding and will respond to well thought out complaints.

@Leafstamp. Thanks for that. It's almost unbelievable that they have so much power. I had heard bits of it but had not understood just how embedded they are.

What’s made her decide that she is trans?

Schools have swallowed an approach to affirm kids like your DD and anything else is currently seen as wrong.
They haven't changed her name on official records but are using her preferred name? That's not so terrible really. I'm guessing your DD is totally reading the script on this, so your refusal to use her preferred name plays into that and reinforces the fact that you know nothing etc..
I think you're right to refuse a binder, there's no safe way to use one. You do need to monitor the internet use here and tread a line with the friend. Many teens have friends that mutually play up behaviour we don't like! Alienating the friend just makes them more appealing. Concentrate on keeping a good relationship with your DD and communication open.

Thank you Leafstamp, I hadn't heard of that website and I've ordered some of their recommended reading to be going on with.
I've looked at the Safe School Alliance website previously and I think I need to start by asking for the school to send me the resources they are using.
I think you're right Squareteabags, moving her at the moment isn't the answer and would be almost impossible anyway.
LessthanJurrasicpark I can only presume the school and their teaching at the moment since it only became apparent after starting there. She's also a people pleaser and easily lead so not a great combination.

Beamur your absolutely right, I'm a transphobic dinasour who knows nothing and understands even less! We've been very reluctant to try stop the friendship but I think we're going to have to stop facilitating out of school meet ups. She's aware that we have complete access to her phone, it was one of the conditions when she got it. So far there is nothing too worrying on it.

The tantrums etc are very much a sign of emotional immaturity. But it seems this issue is very difficult to discuss calmly. Rhetoric around it escalates any difference of opinion into hatred/erasure. You have my sympathies, it must be very wearing.
It's probably wise to gently step back from facilitating this friendship if you can. 12 can be a very intense age for friendships.
Does your DD have interests and hobbies outside of school?

Get her out into nature and away from screens. Do some embodied activities with her - yoga, meditation, go for a walk/jog/run, play a ball game or sport together. Do things that require her to use her body and show her how amazing it is.

One of the young women from the Pique Resilience Project (no longer active but old videos still on youtube) talks about how she desisted after spending time on a horse ranch sans internet access. I appreciate that we're short on horse ranches in the UK but the point is about getting your daughter to live in, and at one with, her body.

No advice but watching with interest.My adult autistic brother is also going down the trans rabbit hole. He is an adult so no way to stop him. So pissed off with people encouraging him with what is likely to be a phase.

Get her off the Internet and out of the school. It’s brainwashing.

She has been brainwashed. Breastbinding is a form of misogynistic self harm. She is now walking a path that leads towards medication, surgery, and infertility. Most young girls who announce they are trans are one or more of the following: lesbian; autistic; or victim of sex assault/harassment.

If it was me, I would:

1. Contact Transgender Trend and ask for advice.
2. Take her out of that school instantly.
3. Home educate her for 6 months if possible, as a ‘deradicalisation program’ so she has a chance to explore her feelings and body away from fanatics.
4. Get an autism assessment and work on her body positivity.
5. Manage her back into a school with a different ethos (possibly get a loan and go private?) after a chat with the head to check if the head is another brainwashed fanatic with no understanding of basic safeguarding.

@GoodieMoomin

Get her out into nature and away from screens. Do some embodied activities with her - yoga, meditation, go for a walk/jog/run, play a ball game or sport together. Do things that require her to use her body and show her how amazing it is.

One of the young women from the Pique Resilience Project (no longer active but old videos still on youtube) talks about how she desisted after spending time on a horse ranch sans internet access. I appreciate that we're short on horse ranches in the UK but the point is about getting your daughter to live in, and at one with, her body.

This is brilliant advice. Sorry I can't add anything but my support OP.

Of course gather information to challenge the school's teaching on this. And challenge them on it. That is the big picture and all of us with growing dds thank you for it.
In your own home, you may have to strike bargains and negotiate only in order to buy time. Every few months means more brain connections made in the adolescent brain, more maturity developing, more realisations, a huge sexual crush that reinforces who you are. So as much as it goes against the grain I might negotiate that I will call you X (which is my compromise) as long as you do nothing that may cause you physical harm such as binding (which is your compromise). And we will see where we are in a year.
Regarding escaping from the internet, something I found useful was having my dd sign up to an exercise class full of mixed age women. My issues were not yours but connected to self image also, and being exposed to these women of all persuasions, sizes, intellects, some extrovert, some not, did dd the world of good. There is such benefit to being party to the post-class camaraderie. Yoga and Pilates are especially good for this.

I should also say that I did remove dd from school and she was educated online. That was how I forced her to go to exercises classes - to replace PE and to combat the more sedentary lifestyle of home Ed for teens.

My dd's school doesn't have any affiliation with Stonewall as far as I'm aware, but that doesn't mean there aren't loads of "trans" pupils there. It's a girls' school, viewed locally as being a bit old-fashioned, but there are, I believe, 7 trans boys in dd's year, plus around 3 "non-binary" kids. 145 pupils in the year group.

I guess my point is that moving school is no guarantee of avoiding this kind of thing.

From what I understand (going by what my dd tells me), the school will only change the name on the register after a meeting with parents. But once the name is changed, the pronouns change too.

I would take her on a very long holiday rather than homeschool - as that sounds like a punishment. I know thats not allowed these days, but my parents did that for me at that age just for the enrichment. Took me out of school and we travelled for 3 months. We did Europe and America.

I am aware thats expensive but its got to be cheaper than moving house.