I'm a bit lost and need some guidance please regarding DD

[blibblibs]

My apologies as this might all come out a bit garbled but I'm at a loss as to how to handle this situation. I hope I've put this in the right place but I'm sure it'll be moved if not!
DD12 goes to a stonewall school (very limited options, good acedemic scores, would've avoided it if I could) and within months of starting had declared herself trans. Never been on the radar before, had mixed interest covering both typically gendered ideas.
In the past year we've pretty much ignored/gone with it. Hair has been cut, no problems with that, clothes have changed as and when needed and it's been very much a that's lovely dear attitude from us. But she's become increasingly agitated that we won't use her preferred pronouns and continue to use her dead name.
She has one particular friend who is also travelling this path and her behaviour and attitude is always worse after spending time with them. We're now onto why we won't let her have a binder
School have spoken to me to request a name change on documentations which I didn't allow but explained I was aware friends would call her her 'new' name but that I treated it very much like a nickname. I have since discovered it has been changed on the register, however all correspondence I receive has her given name.
But I'm lost has to how to move forward, fight against it and it will become even more appealing but ignoring it doesn't seem to be working either.
If I thought these were her own feelings or if it continues as she gets older and is able to actually discuss it without tantrums and door slamming I will obviously support her but for now it seems entirely like brainwashing and I don't really know how to move forward with it.

Parents need to feel confident to ask schools. Do you have any involvement with Stonewall or any other lobby group involved in sexual politics?
If so, what does that look like? Curriculum / pastoral care influence? SRE lessons? Direct work with children? Training?

Why is the school involved with a political group arguing to remove the rights of girls to singe sex changing / showers, dormitories, sports?
and so on.

As you don't support them, even if you do think it's a phase, they'll likely continue to be who they want to be with the 'bad adults' encouraging and supporting their identity. Hopefully the school continue to be more supportive than you.

I think the OP has been very supportive but, as a duly diligent parent, is pausing at the point this is crossing over to harm. If it's not a phase, then none of this would prevent her DD following whatever path is right for her as an adult. If it is a phase, then the child will be spared unnecessary damage.

Lots of advice here guaranteed to alienate your daughter and make her dig her heels in. If it's a phase, then it'll phase itself out in time. If it's not, all the restrictions in the world won't stop her being trans and will only serve to damage your relationship, possibly irreparably.

Hello Op. you’ve had lots of good advice here around organisations like Bayswater and Transgender trend. I just wanted to come in on the “pull her out of school” comments. I’m a working parent and my child cannot be homeschooled. However, I’m also a teacher, and I know that this is so rife in schools that trying for a different school and checking whether the school is a diversity champion is pointless. My school isn’t but we have a very very active student-run lgbt soc and I would certainly argue that that’s a bit part of the reason we’ve gone from 1 to 30-40 (openly) nb kids since 2019. I say openly as these are the ones teachers officially know of. There are a lot more who are clearly “out” amongst their friend group only.
The way to tackle this is through parent power. Get on to your current Head and explain the situation. If this doesn’t work escalate to governors. Make it clear you do not want the school to go along with this and cite safeguarding as reason.
At home, take advice from the podcast mentioned to you already - gender, a wider lens- esp looking at the “dealing with ROGD child” episodes - there are about 3 highly relevant to your situation.
If you want any more advice you can pm me. Good luck.

@BlueberryCheezecake

Lots of advice here guaranteed to alienate your daughter and make her dig her heels in. If it's a phase, then it'll phase itself out in time. If it's not, all the restrictions in the world won't stop her being trans and will only serve to damage your relationship, possibly irreparably.

If only really highly qualified professionals with extensive real world experience of this - like Dr Bell formerly of the Tavistock - agreed with your optimistic statements about how this will pass if it's just a phase but persist otherwise.

Unfortunately there is a huge, and growing, body of evidence that affirmation of the kind the OP is describing tends to result in irreversible transition which is obviously devastating for those for whom it was indeed just a phase.

Why so-called TRAs don't care more about vulnerable children and refuse to countenance this evidence I will never understand.

If you're still here OP please don't be put off by random posters attempting to criticise your parenting. Those of us who are parents and those who work with children know how difficult it is to manage boundaries and keep children safe - especially when there are aspects of unhealthy influences as you clearly described in your OP.

Again thank you all for the advice, and to those saying I'm alienating my DD, you couldn't be further from the truth.
We talk about things I wouldn't have dreamt of speaking to my own mother about at that age, her hair & clothes choices are her own and her bedroom has more rainbow flags than a pride march but when your 12 year old starts talking about binders and changing her sex a year after starting at a stonewall champions school only a negligent parent wouldn't try to put the breaks on and determine whose ideas they really are.

The truly negligent parent would be ignoring the clear evidence of harm in favour of a n ideology that has a few year’s currency in its back pocket. You’re doing really well and I’m telling you, as a teacher who’s been observing this in schools for a few years now, you are totally in the right to be worried.

OP, you don't seem to realize how much trouble you're in.

I can't say about laws in the UK, but in the US (Washington State for example) Kids don't need their parents permission to transition. In fact if the parents appear to be anything other than fully supportive they risk losing custody of their kids.

There have already been several cases of this happening in the US. The only options these parents had is to play along and to move jobs, homes and schools.

You may also need a lawyer to specialize in cases like these. Do whatever you can to play along at this stage, because the school is already leaving you out of the loop. Your daughter may already be on hormones without you knowing.

Pretend to be a woke parent till you can make your move and get her out. After that carefully monitor her internet access and find a therapist who can help her, rather than drug her.