I'm a bit lost and need some guidance please regarding DD

[blibblibs]

My apologies as this might all come out a bit garbled but I'm at a loss as to how to handle this situation. I hope I've put this in the right place but I'm sure it'll be moved if not!
DD12 goes to a stonewall school (very limited options, good acedemic scores, would've avoided it if I could) and within months of starting had declared herself trans. Never been on the radar before, had mixed interest covering both typically gendered ideas.
In the past year we've pretty much ignored/gone with it. Hair has been cut, no problems with that, clothes have changed as and when needed and it's been very much a that's lovely dear attitude from us. But she's become increasingly agitated that we won't use her preferred pronouns and continue to use her dead name.
She has one particular friend who is also travelling this path and her behaviour and attitude is always worse after spending time with them. We're now onto why we won't let her have a binder
School have spoken to me to request a name change on documentations which I didn't allow but explained I was aware friends would call her her 'new' name but that I treated it very much like a nickname. I have since discovered it has been changed on the register, however all correspondence I receive has her given name.
But I'm lost has to how to move forward, fight against it and it will become even more appealing but ignoring it doesn't seem to be working either.
If I thought these were her own feelings or if it continues as she gets older and is able to actually discuss it without tantrums and door slamming I will obviously support her but for now it seems entirely like brainwashing and I don't really know how to move forward with it.

Ofsted left stonewall this year didn’t they? I’d be asking school why they think ofsted made that decision. Link the bbc Nolan investigates podcast also. And all tt/ssa literature.

Ask if all literature from stonewall has been checked for working together compliance.

Check schools grievance procedures and use them. Including governors. And if school won’t show you evidence all the resources they use are working together compliant then ofsted will need to know why. Repeat ad nausem. Schools need to realise this isn’t an ideological disagreement with parents, they can’t agree to disagree with departs of Education guidelines, with safeguarding laws. And if their own procedures fail to correct it ofsted are the checks and balances.

@blibblibs I've been through this with 2 dds including a school trying to force a name change. Come to bayswater bayswatersupport.org.uk/ its been a great support to me and others in the same situation. Fwiw my eldest desisted after 4 years and my youngest is now showing signs of desistance no thanks to her school

Also approach school with the view they won’t cooperate and you will be using grievance procedures. Check all details of this, all details of the d of e guidance it’s based on, all details of safeguarding procedures, and the d of e update to pshe. Get everything in writing always. If you discuss in person/phone request it to minuted, follow up with emails to say what’s in accurate in the minutes. Log everything. Get time lines established about what’s being corrected by when, including when they won’t agree-say if they don’t reply within X time to show what they will do to correct X X & X and the time they will do it by you will be using the next step of grievance procedures and so on. Keep a diary on top of this for evidence when you need to escalate it.

Schools don’t get free reign to ignore d of e & laws etc. But in reality they do unless parents use the procedures required. You’d use a disciplinary procedures for any employee who ignored their employment guidelines, grievance procedures, board of governors and ofsted is how we do that with schools.

There is a frightening amount of pressure in lots of schools in relation to LGBTQ+. My DD started in Year 7 last year. Within a month of starting she told me that you had to trial being gay otherwise you were obviously a homophobic and that ‘everyone’ was a homophobic and transphobic. The language she used was nothing like her own. Her new friend has requested they be referred to using ‘they, them, it’ pronouns. They have a new name but none of the friendship group can call them by this new name in front of adults and must refer to them as she or her because her parents don’t know. The pressure of this has been enormous, DD being respectful got so used to using this new name that she accidentally used it in front of an adult and was accused of outing her friend. DD had subsequently declared she’s lesbian and has a girlfriend. I will support DD wholeheartedly, I will not tell her that she doesn’t know how she feels because let’s face it I’m not her! But I do feel that there is a lot of media and peer pressure out there that simply didn’t exist before. I have no clue how to navigate really, her school have been great and tried to organise some lessons to try and help but there’s definitely a speed to this that I haven’t ever witnessed before.

Unbelievable eeyore228.
There's a reason schools are meant to be politically neutral and now children are paying the price for that rule having been breached. Stonewall, Mermaids and other groups have been allowed to peddle their 'born in the wrong body' ideology to children, Stonewall have been allowed to pontificate on pastoral care, the curriculum and remove aspects of safeguarding, silencing all protests with accusations of bigotry. At the behest of Stonewall schools now run gaslighting LGBTQ etc mix age groups for pupils with no awareness of age appropriateness / safeguarding.
The only people who can and must challenge this are parents.

Thank you all for the advice so far. I've checked out some websites, ordered some reading materials and looking at some after school clubs which aren't stonewall champions.
It all just seems so hard to get right.

Get her out into nature and away from screens. Do some embodied activities with her - yoga, meditation, go for a walk/jog/run, play a ball game or sport together. Do things that require her to use her body and show her how amazing it is.

Good advice from GoodieMoomin. I wrote more before about peer pressure, and schools failing in their duty of care etc, but it got deleted. So will just add that there are excellent support groups for parents, eg Transgender Trend and Safe Schools Alliance.

Good luck to you and DD.

Oh - a deletion. Children are at the sharp end of this as they don't have the emotional and intellectual resources that one gains through maturity to assess and evaluate the very adult concepts about changing sex that are often sold to them as an alternative to the challenges of puberty.
Hopefully all the suggested groups have been useful blibblibs and that you'll get some support in tackling the school. I'll repeat the link to Dr David Bell's thoughts about the ideology and children:

www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/p09yk7dh

My fault.

I normally lurk not post. I know the rules but knowing and remembering how to self censor aren’t the same thing.

It’s hard not to be honest about facts. Which begs the question what kind of dino eggs shells are OPs teachers walking on? Or wearing as blinders?

Genspect are really good for discussing this. They have a website and podcasts on YouTube under (Gender) A Wider Lens. Both women work with gender non conforming children and have good and thoughtful discussions about what is going on. Their most recent podcast is with a de-trans young woman who explains about some of the influences that affected her.

Which begs the question what kind of dino eggs shells are OPs teachers walking on? Or wearing as blinders?

My experience BulletandtheBullseye is that teachers are walking on egg shells having been previously assured by the DfE that Stonewall etc were the "go to" groups. Now seeing the impact this has had on children, especially with the breaching of safeguarding by schools removing parental responsibilities with no legal authority, the government are scrambling to reinstate matters with new guidelines without drawing attention to their previous culpability. These are very powerful groups who have established themselves in all our public authorities with no democratic consent.

In the centre of all this are vulnerable children, some of who are being actively divided from their parents who are trying their best to protect them.

@YetAnotherSpartacus

Get her the fuck out of that school.

Exactly - and fast.

No exam result is worth what you know is coming your way....

MrsOver

That sounds a lot like to hide from the failure to safeguard kids because of not applying critical thinking, they are going continue to fail to safeguard kids because we can’t let anyone know we couldn’t think critically.

Another example of the emperors new clothes.

While our kids continue to be sacrificed (metaphorically before I get deleted again) because it’s too embarrassing to acknowledge they fucked up.

OP- I’m really sorry you’re going through this. I fear the same in a few years and think any & all of us parents need to do whatever we can wherever we can to figure out how to get out in front of this. Because evidently the people paid to safeguard kids won’t.

Transgender trend is a potter who thinks a vaginoplasty is an open wound that needs constant dilation to prevent it healing up. They have as much specialist knowledge about kids end gender as ... well unfortunately most readers of this thread. Its akin to anti-vaxxer science.

It may be you sit with the status quo you have at the moment - she uses her chosen name in school but not at home. Tell the school that is what you choose to do so they know your views.
It is a strong identity which includes victimhood and so the more you try to argue with her the more likely you'll push her towards her friends.
She's learning who she is as a person seperate from her family, its a developmental stage we all go through, but we never had to deal with madness on the internet.

Only Stephanie Davies-Arai was short listed for the John Maddox prize in recent years. An award that’s for promoting science and evidence, advancing the public discussion around difficult topics despite challenge or hostility.

That’s the direct opposite of anti vaxxers

Transgender Trend - shortlisted for the John Maddox award

Quote from the founder of TT - Stephanie Davies-Arai:
"I am proud and honoured to have been shortlisted for the John Maddox Prize 2018 and I thank the judges for this acknowledgment of my work. I believe that children and young people deserve nothing less than our dedication in ensuring healthcare and education policies which are based on robust scientific evidence. Through Transgender Trend I will continue with my commitment to disseminate clear, factual, research-based information to support parents and educators in making fully-informed choices regarding the children in their care, despite the continued allegations that we are a ‘hate’ group

Is she worried about puberty? I think most girls aren’t emotionally mature enough to deal well with all that tbh. I discovered feminism at that age and just became quite angry, but I suspect many girls see transition as another way out of being treated “like a woman”. I’d try and find out exactly what this is about.

@DisgustedofManchester

Transgender trend is a potter who thinks a vaginoplasty is an open wound that needs constant dilation to prevent it healing up. They have as much specialist knowledge about kids end gender as ... well unfortunately most readers of this thread. Its akin to anti-vaxxer science.

Link to one or more instance(s) of this statement, please, from the alleged source? It seems likely that either they are confusing "constant" with "consistent", or you are. Either way it should be easily resolved to everyone's benefit if someone's got it wrong.

Is there any way of checking which schools are affiliated with Stonewall? We're currently deciding on secondaries and this scares the living daylights out of me.

@VikingsandDragons

Is there any way of checking which schools are affiliated with Stonewall? We're currently deciding on secondaries and this scares the living daylights out of me.

Stonewall hid their list of corporate partners earlier this year.

I don’t think there is a list of school partners.

My advice would be to have a good look around the school website/social media.

Check their equality policy doesn’t conflate sex and gender.

Ask them who their RSE/PSHE provider is and if they invite any outside organisations in to speak on the topic of sexuality/gender identity. I see no reason why you couldn’t email to ask this as a prospective parent.

Check out Safe Schools Alliance, especially www.google.co.uk/amp/s/safeschoolsallianceuk.net/sdm_downloads/equality-and-diversity-red-flags/amp/

Good luck!

If a stonewall school would you not send your child there, or would you argue with them to change it.

If it’s the latter then just ask them Viking. Just have your arguments ready prior.

• if schools were stonewall diversity champions

I'd pull her out of school, and home educate if necessary. Reduce internet to a trickle, get her involved in activities that are real.