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KEY CONCEPT # 2: ABUSERS TELL YOU IT’S YOUR OWN FAULT
An abuser won’t necessarily blame you for every single incident – he may even act very apologetic sometimes — but nonetheless he is determined overall to drum it into you that you’re the real cause of how he acts.
The result is that virtually every abused woman comes to feel that she is at fault. She feels that she pushed the abuser’s buttons, or that she caused him to turn mean, or that it’s her fault because she didn’t leave. All of these messages are the voice of the abuser speaking through her mind.
In reality, nothing an abused woman can do will make the abuser treat her any better. Abusive behavior comes entirely from factors that are internal to the abuser, and not at all from anything about the personality, behavior, or responses of the targeted person.
My central message to the abused person: You are doing nothing – zero – to cause the way you’re being treated. The abuser is 100% responsible for his own behavior. None of what he does is your fault, and you can’t make his behavior change by changing yours.
KEY CONCEPT #3: YES, IT IS THAT BAD
I very often hear targets of abuse saying, “I’m probably making too big a deal about this,” or, “I’m sure I’m blowing this all out of proportion, it’s not really so bad.” This is, again, the voice of the abuser speaking through her; the abuser loves to brainwash the woman to believe that she’s hysterical, that she overreacts, and that she’s unstable. Don’t buy it.
My central message to the abused person: Take your feelings seriously. When someone tells you that you’re overreacting to how they’re treating you, that in itself is a bad sign about them. Trust your own instincts.