Do I, or how do I raise this with school?

[Jellycatspyjamas]

A boy in my DDs class came back after half term calling himself by a girls name and presenting as a girl at school. The class have been instructed to use her new name and female pronouns, with no further explanation as far as I can tell.

My concerns are that the child uses the girls toilets at school, is getting changed with the girls for gym and the girls have been told that she’s now a girl. I also worry about the PSE teaching that might sit around this in terms of sex and gender identity.

I’ve told my daughter to respect the name she wants to be called and to use her chosen pronouns but the it’s not possible to change sex.

I have a good relationship with the head teacher, who is usually pretty level headed, but I have concerns. Do I raise it with the head just now or address issues if and when they arise?

Raise it now. It's much easier to change before things get put in place than once it's in place.
As it is it sounds like you might have to row back a bit.

Yes I would raise it. Safe schools alliance might be able to offer advice / assistance if you need it.

Have at read through the Transgender Trend school resources

www.transgendertrend.com/schools-resources/

And Safe Schools Alliance resources

safeschoolsallianceuk.net/resources-2/

There is lots of information there, and templates, to help you formulate your response.

You might find the changing rooms are the part where the girls are not so accepting of the new person in their new changing room.
This was definitely the case in my sons year.

What age are the kids you’re talking about?

If they are old enough to be changing in single sex groups then they should be sticking to single sex. Definitely raise it ASAP

My daughter is 10, so we’re talking 9 and 10 year olds. My daughter has additional support needs and the school toilets are her safe space when she feels overwhelmed so I’m even less happy about the idea of a boy sharing that space.

Do you know if the school has a transgender policy? If not, this might the time for them to draft one, that does not put the rights of one child above others.

If they are allowing one boy to change with the girls then they may be inadvertently discriminating against the other boys. I find it’s often useful to present this side of the argument to show that your concern is genuinely safety/safeguarding, dignity, privacy and upholding of the Equality Act.

I’ve emailed the head explaining what my DD has said, expressing concern about preserving same sex spaces in school, and checking that my DD is accurate in being told this child is now a girl. I’ve also asked for copies of relevant policies and any teaching materials they plan to use in school.

I can’t believe I’m having to address this in primary school ffs.

I'd definitely want to raise this. Once they are old enough that they no longer all change together, single sex should mean single sex and they have a right to privacy and dignity.

You could ask what has changed between now and before half term that means it is OK for someone they've always known as a boy, and who is still undeniably male, to be allowed in with the girls? You could also make the point that stats show over 80% of children with dysphoria eventually desist - what will they say to the girls if that happens in this case? - "Oops sorry, we told you Ed was really a girl, you've been getting changed in front of her (and her male anatomy) for 5 years but she's just realised he was really a boy all along"? Not to mention the safeguarding concerns, both for the girls put at higher risk of assault by this policy, and for the teachers suddenly having to supervise children of both sexes changing together.

You might want to look on earlier threads on compelled pronouns but teaching/forcing children to say things they know are not true - however good the intention might be - is not good for them.

Single sex spaces must also be protected.

I’ve fallen down the rabbit hole of looking at the Scottish Governments guidance to schools. Apparently trans children should be allowed to access whichever toilet or changing facility they feel comfortable with and if other learners feel uncomfortable they can use the changing facility after the trans child has left, or be assigned a different toilet. So my female child is expected to give up her right to a safe space to protect the sensitivities of another child.

Guidance also seems to suggest, at primary age, the school can hide the child’s gender identity from the parents unless the child gives permission to share. My 10 year old could change her gender identity at school and I’d know nothing about it - seriously.

What a world we’ve created.

Yes I’m trawling the links above and will be making my feelings known, loudly.

The guidance issued to schools was withdrawn in 2019 as it was found to include unlawful advice which infringed the rights of other pupils. Unfortunately it has not yet been replaced . However, this does not mean that you can't push back on imposition of mixed sex changing on your daughter etc. Ask about religious groups, abused children and whether, they have a detailed Equality Impact Assessment for this change from single sex provision to mixed sex.

Also you can ask for your daughter to change separately and to be provided a separate toilet. I would also check that doing so would not lose her any curriculum time and thus be discriminated against for her additional needs.

I would mention it to your mate as well.

Also you can ask for your daughter to change separately and to be provided a separate toilet.

Im not about to suggest they discriminate against my child because she feels uncomfortable with male children using the female toilets. They need to find a solution that meets the privacy, dignity and safety requirements of all children, not exclude females from female spaces to accommodate males.

I think This thread on twitter highlights how stuck teachers feel

twitter.com/tuttingm/status/1406224845214564352?s=21

Making single sex spaces mixed sex is sex discrimination. Sex is a protected characteristic. Gender identity is not.

I'd definitely raise this with the school. At 10 many of the girls in DDs class were wearing bras and had their periods. They were all self conscious enough without having a male bodied child thrown into the mix. I'm sure it will be the same with your DD OP. This makes me so angry. Time and time again our young girls are being forced to give up their single sex spaces to make one male sex child feel better. It's just not good enough.

I would mention it to your mate as well.
I don’t know what you mean by this 🤷‍♀️

Years ago all the boys and girls at primary school would get changed in the same classroom and do pe in their underwear. It wouldn't bother me so much that a 10 year old boy was getting changed with the girls, they're young children after all, but if it continued beyond primary school then I'd be concerned. A lot of primary schools don't have the facilities for single sex changing rooms and they're all sharing toilets at the moment due to covid bubbles. Having said that, I'm surprised any schools are getting changed there at the moment. They all go in their PE kit where I am.

Times have moved on from doing PE in underwear, many of the girls in my DDs class, including my DD, have started puberty and have ever changing bodies. The school do provide separate changing facilities for P5 upwards in recognition of girls starting puberty earlier, if they see the need to make that provision, they should ensure it is safe sex.

And since half term the older children have been getting changed for PE.

yes you are right that no girl chould change with a male child. However, sometimes you can only win for your child. Schools are a bit funny like that.

By asking for your child to change separately, without being disadvantaged, they have to do some thinking of where, when and how that will work and make provision.

when your dd is changing separately, you can mantion that fact to your mum friends, who have girl children. they can choose to ask for their daughter to change separately as well... which is more awkward for the school. The more parents that do this the more awkward it is for school and the more likely they are to put in provision that benefits all the girl children. easy to make your dd change in the disabled loo, but how are they going to get two girls changin in the disabled loo, or four or 8...

sometimes it is a war of attrition.

if you have a girl further down the school you can ask that they do not share the loo with the male child as well, depending on the set up of the school.

mostly schools will only deal with you regarding provision for your child.

Sorry previously posting on phone so terse posts and sometimes I do not explain well.

That’s awful OP. There’s no way my daughter would have wanted to share a toilet or get changed with a boy at that age. Many kids are a year or so into puberty at that age, some girls will be having periods. The school need to protect these kids based on their sex.
As long as that 1 child feels better though, fuck the rest of them seems to be the attitude. It’s dreadful. I feel sorry for the boy in this situation too, the parents and the school are letting him down. Poor lad.

@Hallyup6 I left primary school in the 70s and the girls and boys didn't get changed together from Y6.

My DD had separate changing rooms at primary school from Y5.

It isn't fair to expect girls to get changed in mixed changing rooms when they're wearing bras and dealing with periods; which we were in the 70s and even more girls are doing so now.

Children definitely don't do PE in their pants any more in this area either. DD left primary school last year and I would not have been happy if this had been expected. She and many of her peers were dealing with periods and it would have been awful for them to be put in that position.