DD wants to change school to escape the LGBTQ pressure

[SunshineNDaisies]

So over the past year, I have become increasingly concerned about DDs friendships, who she is mixing with and some of the messages on her phone. DD is 13.

The messages on her phone from her friends say things like they are lesbian, they are non binary, plus lots of messages about self harming.
DD always insisted she was straight when I asked her. I did be a good mum and say I wanted her to be happy however she identified but she kept saying no, I'm definitely straight.

She would come home and say "sara is now called Pip", "joe is now called North", "Amy is using neo pronouns" and admit to me that she's finding it all very confusing and hard to keep up with but has to be careful what she says so not to cause offense or get into trouble at school.

She also told me her best friend is now a lesbian, self harms, her best friend's mum's an alcoholic, and the group of friends DD is hanging around with made her drink some cans of lager when they went to the park and are making her go to areas of town DD isn't allowed.

So over the past year we've been trying to encourage DD to change her social circle, taking her phone off her, grounding her etc.

She's also not happy at school because kids misbehave in class and DD cannot concentrate and she's getting headaches.

It all came to a head yesterday and DD broke down and said she wants to change schools.

DD says she's being put under lots of pressure to 'come out' as anything other than straight. To change her look to a non binary look (I thought DD already had a gender neutral look going on - she loves joggers!). She's being put under pressure to choose a gender neutral new name and change her pronouns. She's being put under pressure to try self harming (she insists she hasn't). She's being contacted by older boys on Instagram (she showed me the messages and DD seems to have replied Piss off and leave me alone but she shouldn't be adding those people - so phone confiscated again). She's being put under pressure to skip classes. Put under pressure to join the schools LGBTQ group. Put under pressure to wear rainbow flag colours to school e.g. friends say get your nails painted LGBT colours.

DD is just clearly overwhelmed with it all and feeling really pressurised. This on top of bad behaviour preventing her education is all just too much and she has asked to change schools.

Sorry this is long but I'm upset as a mother but at the same time relieved. I have watched as she has changed from the lovely DD I know to someone who is moody, argumentative, weepy etc. I've tried everything but DD was keeping things from me. DD is like her dad, can't say no, and becomes everyone's counsellor, and that's just too much for a kid of 13.

I don't know what, if anything, to say to the school about DD wanting to leave and the reasons why. We did try complaining to the school about DDs education as I haven't been impressed but nothing changed in that regard. I am contacting other schools with a good reputation to see if they would be able to take DD ideally before the summer (we are in Scotland). Do we need to speak to current school first or just get a place elsewhere first? We are also considering a private school but that's expensive! So looking into good state schools higher in the league tables first.

Sorry for the essay. I feel upset, relieved, overwhelmed and a bit unsure of what more to do. This LGBTQ stuff has really taken over our kids lives

Will they not tell you if they have a place right now? Then you can visit ASAP and put in the request.
Good luck to your daughter op. It's awful being stuck in a school you aren't happy in.

We've spent last night and this morning looking at schools and emailing them. DD seems most keen on a school that's about an hour away but there's a local bus. She knows a few kids there (albeit boys so not sure if they'd want a girl hanging with them lol). Its high up the exam results league table so I'm worried there might not be places. There's also another school we're considering, but also a high demand school. I don't know if we do a placing request first, or if we can visit first. I did ask that question when I emailed

I don’t think you will be allowed to visit because of Covid, they are limiting the number of adults in schools.

Are these two schools in your own local authority ? Of course you can apply elsewhere but you will be lower priority.

High demand schools are usually oversubscribed at S1 but not necessarily at your DDs stage.

I think a change of school sounds like a positive move. It can be difficult for a teen to reposition themselves socially.
Taking her phone to give her a break is actually quite helpful. I used to 'impose' limits on DD when she was finding it hard to get away from friends!
If your DD was being pressured into relationships with boys and wearing provocative clothing, taking drugs etc the school might take it more seriously. LGBT stuff is becoming toxic and untouchable because of the fear of doing/saying the wrong thing. Which makes it ripe for exploitation.
My DD has removed herself from a group chat which has become dominated with chatter about this topic. She doesn't want to engage and knows silence is interpreted negatively.
Yes, your DD will experience this at other schools but hopefully with a less invested friendship group she will be able to assert her own boundaries and find like minded kids.

I never take DD’s phone (I would as a punishment but never needed to). She leaves it on a charging station at bed time so it’s charged for the next day. We also have a rule that mobile phones are only used downstairs (not behind closed bedroom doors). She still gets privacy but without the temptation closed doors bring. It works really well. Dd1 is very good and loves clear rules - dd2&3 are wild so I set clear rules now for dd1 as I fear dd2&3 at secondary with mobile phones.

Good idea to limit smartphone use. You should watch a documentary on Amazon. I think it's Social Dilema. Those who are very senior or help set up social media like Facebook and Instagram say neither they nor their children have smart phones or use apps.

You're very blessed to have such a smart daughter. Do all you can to give her the best!

If possible move schools, this is just about the last time you have that chance before GCSE courses are set in stone.

Also your DD is quite a rebel isn't she? Being straight is so 'out there' these days.

What is a "wendy?"

It seems like heterophobia is becoming the new norm and is not being tackled in the school environment. It definately needs to be raised as an issue, the same way if a lgb young person was being pressured to be straight.

She's got to figure out how to make this school good for her.

She really hasn’t. She is 13, sounds incredibly sensible, and is having all of this forced on her by people who should be her friends.

You have to laugh when so much of LGBTQI+ ideology is about “being your authentic self” and yet here we have complete intolerance of a person who is quite happy with who they are.

@Warmduscher

She's got to figure out how to make this school good for her.

She really hasn’t. She is 13, sounds incredibly sensible, and is having all of this forced on her by people who should be her friends.

You have to laugh when so much of LGBTQI+ ideology is about “being your authentic self” and yet here we have complete intolerance of a person who is quite happy with who they are.

Couldn't agree more.

We did speak to the head of her year as we weren't happy with some of the teaching and the distractions in classes. He was quite rude in his responses and dismissive. So we did try to resolve it.

I think there's your steer. Your dd is really unhappy, anxious and being bullied (under a banner of 'progression'). The school is either completely unaware of the own culture/atmosphere happening within the school, or they don't care.
The fact the head of year was rude and dismissive shows you need to move her. Appalling.

@PatsArrow

We did speak to the head of her year as we weren't happy with some of the teaching and the distractions in classes. He was quite rude in his responses and dismissive. So we did try to resolve it.

I think there's your steer. Your dd is really unhappy, anxious and being bullied (under a banner of 'progression'). The school is either completely unaware of the own culture/atmosphere happening within the school, or they don't care.
The fact the head of year was rude and dismissive shows you need to move her. Appalling.

Ah, I didn't see this earlier.

Your way is pretty clear, OP. I'd Move her, and if you have the capacity, consider home schooling her before her September start. It will give her breathing room and time to gather herself up for the change.

I have a 13 year old too and am glad to say that at her school the girls have a mix of interests - horses, theatre, dancing and academic work. Theres still unpleasant peer pressure and bad behaviour but on balance it's fine. The the school you describe sounds toxic and ineffective. I hope you find something much better.

@TheReluctantPhoenix

And, by the way, removing her phone because she willingly shared what is going on with you is an error. Next time she will keep it to herself.

Totally agree. This flagged up for me straight away. Your daughter sounds like an amazing girl and you need to trust her as much as she trusted you.

I disagree about home schooling her until September. Move her now before the new timetables start in the next two weeks and while P7 and new S6 inductions are going on. Lots of other new pupils will be starting.

@eeyore228

@ SunshineNDaisies we have had similar issues and DD is 11. I have never know anything like it. DD told me she had a GF and that she didn't tell anyone because we are ‘all homophobic’. Everyone is unless they are from her group. Her GF thinks she non-binary. A large number of her group and dating. She told me she had to experiment otherwise she might homophobic or transphobic. I have supported her because I don't want to tell her how she feels. At the same time, I amazed by the sheer intensity of it all. She admitted one of her group was self-harming. I have seen other threads which suggest this isn't just ours. school. Dd broke down. saying the pressure was too much. We have encouraged her to look at the friendship group and try to take a step back. We just have to see how it goes. Obviously moving your DD is an option but I would mention it might have similar issues, that way she is aware before you make an active decision to move her. I really hope you find a solution.

This is all too common amongst my teen's friends. They make a HUGE deal of who is 'homophobic' and 'transphobic' and even tell each other 'oh, yes, last year I was so HOMOPHOBIC when I did this [insert completely normal teenaged but no homophobic thing]'.

I warned my teen not to get into romantic relationships with any of their friends. They had seen that it hadn't worked for some of the other girls. But my teen did, and we supported them, but then of course they needed to break it off and lost friends over it. They learn the hard way unfortunately.

@SmiledWithTheRisingSun

What is a "wendy?"

I think it is someone you introduce into a group who then takes over and pushes you out

I dont think it will be much different in any other schools tbh as being lgbtqetc the new thing. I think its worth just encouraging her to be herself and if she is being bullied, the school needs to tackle it. I know kids in various schools round here and pretty much most of the girls and some of the boys are all gay, bi, pansexual, non binary, furries. Even polyamorous. Its basically like choosing a flag.
Theyre just trying to find an identity and their place in society. I think a great deal of it is much less sexual than adults are thinking, but obviously theres quite a seedy adult side to it all, but isnt there always?

Keep conversations open. Empower her that its fine to be straight. This stuff is all gonna pass for most of them anyway , but at least the gays are finally having their moment

I don’t think it’s ok for a young person to feel pressured to do something they don’t want to. Whether that’s to do with gender, drugs, alcohol, sex, or anything else. She clearly feels pressured and unsafe, and she is asking to be removed from that environment, so I would support her decision.

yes, that's what I meant by Wendy. She fell victim to one and lost her old BF as a result. Her 'new' BF seems troubled and I think DD realises this herself but doesn't want to be alone and is going along with this girl and her crowd, but even some of her old friends from primary are all about the non binary identities. And on my DDs instagram are lots of kids I've known since they were at nursery saying "I love pussy". Its awful.

@eeyore228 a lot of what you say rings true, I have seen, heard and read it from her and on her social media. Its just horrible.

She's away out with her cousins today and left her phone at home with me quite happily. We did try a period of being allowed her phone only whilst at school in case of emergencies but even then the kids were still messaging each other (instead of being taught - says a lot about the school)

Change schools!

This is everywhere in the uk atm.
I’d be surprised at any parents of children the same age who haven’t experienced something similar. It’s awful.

The school sounds awful.

I hope that you can find a change to a better one.

This is awful to hear, i hope your daughter is strong enough to stand up to her so called friends and just be herself. Cant schools see what advocating for Stonewall and the like is doing to kids. Let them be, let them decide who they want to be themselves and offer support if needed. This 'fad' needs to stop, it's damaging young minds.

This sounds like a peer pressure issue rather than an LGBTQ+ issue - sounds fairly standard for year nine to be honest. I would be supporting her in changing peer groups and reducing her social media using.

My son is trans and is at a catholic school which have been very supportive of their LGBTQ+ community so I think your thinking of a religious school being less open minded is probably wrong!