DD wants to change school to escape the LGBTQ pressure

[SunshineNDaisies]

So over the past year, I have become increasingly concerned about DDs friendships, who she is mixing with and some of the messages on her phone. DD is 13.

The messages on her phone from her friends say things like they are lesbian, they are non binary, plus lots of messages about self harming.
DD always insisted she was straight when I asked her. I did be a good mum and say I wanted her to be happy however she identified but she kept saying no, I'm definitely straight.

She would come home and say "sara is now called Pip", "joe is now called North", "Amy is using neo pronouns" and admit to me that she's finding it all very confusing and hard to keep up with but has to be careful what she says so not to cause offense or get into trouble at school.

She also told me her best friend is now a lesbian, self harms, her best friend's mum's an alcoholic, and the group of friends DD is hanging around with made her drink some cans of lager when they went to the park and are making her go to areas of town DD isn't allowed.

So over the past year we've been trying to encourage DD to change her social circle, taking her phone off her, grounding her etc.

She's also not happy at school because kids misbehave in class and DD cannot concentrate and she's getting headaches.

It all came to a head yesterday and DD broke down and said she wants to change schools.

DD says she's being put under lots of pressure to 'come out' as anything other than straight. To change her look to a non binary look (I thought DD already had a gender neutral look going on - she loves joggers!). She's being put under pressure to choose a gender neutral new name and change her pronouns. She's being put under pressure to try self harming (she insists she hasn't). She's being contacted by older boys on Instagram (she showed me the messages and DD seems to have replied Piss off and leave me alone but she shouldn't be adding those people - so phone confiscated again). She's being put under pressure to skip classes. Put under pressure to join the schools LGBTQ group. Put under pressure to wear rainbow flag colours to school e.g. friends say get your nails painted LGBT colours.

DD is just clearly overwhelmed with it all and feeling really pressurised. This on top of bad behaviour preventing her education is all just too much and she has asked to change schools.

Sorry this is long but I'm upset as a mother but at the same time relieved. I have watched as she has changed from the lovely DD I know to someone who is moody, argumentative, weepy etc. I've tried everything but DD was keeping things from me. DD is like her dad, can't say no, and becomes everyone's counsellor, and that's just too much for a kid of 13.

I don't know what, if anything, to say to the school about DD wanting to leave and the reasons why. We did try complaining to the school about DDs education as I haven't been impressed but nothing changed in that regard. I am contacting other schools with a good reputation to see if they would be able to take DD ideally before the summer (we are in Scotland). Do we need to speak to current school first or just get a place elsewhere first? We are also considering a private school but that's expensive! So looking into good state schools higher in the league tables first.

Sorry for the essay. I feel upset, relieved, overwhelmed and a bit unsure of what more to do. This LGBTQ stuff has really taken over our kids lives

I wouldn’t rule out applying to the Catholic secondary schools. Generally there’s a good mix of Catholic and nondenominational children who attend and if it means she has breathing space to find herself again I think any more would be positive

If this were my daughter I would definitely move her or home school. Get her out if that toxic environment.

I would move schools.

Yes this is everywhere but I think this particular friendship group she's in is particularly toxic.

I have a DD who's 16 and about to enter sixth form. Our school has a very strong LBGTQ Equalties club. Throughout her school life she has had friends who are a part of this group. She even has a FtM trans friend in her close friendship group, but it's a very relaxed friendship. Just normal teenage stuff and conversations. No pressure. She also has a friend who has self-harmed but it was seen as an issue that needed grown-ups to help with. That friend has now got counselling and DD and her other friends are supportive.

I think you're DD's friendship group is extreme. Coupled with the fact she's not happy with the class behaviour and the learning environment, I would look to make a clean break,

I feel so bad for you both. Now is a good time to investigate a new school for a fresh start in September. Before Y10 begins.

Good luck. This WILL get better.

This sounds horrendous, although being that age is tough. I know I would have found these issues massively confusing at that age though.

I wouldn't rule out applying to the Catholic school, I went to one (in Scotland) and it was a hugely mixed group of people. One of the best things about it actually.

I'd be brutally honest in feedback with the school as well. Some of it sounds like pressure/bullying just taking a new 'inclusive' form and some children will likely come to harm in that environment.

I'm not convinced private schools are much better as it is partly cultural. Like others have said though, can you curb the social media/phone use and get her doing some sports, clubs etc. Scouts, sewing/baking, sports clubs. I had a paper round at that age, I appreciate that's not really possible nowadays but maybe some paid jobs around the house or volunteering? Anything to broaden her experience, keep her busy and away from these kids.

I agree I would be brutally honest with the school too.

They should know the kind of culture they have within the school, even if it's only in certain small groups. I would argue it straddles bullying and safeguarding.

Your daughter is being open and sharing with you the messages she has received so please do NOT do this and also apologise for doing so and explain to her that you made a mistake and that you are glad she feels she can talk to you about this. Otherwise she will simply not tell you anything next time and this situation will get a whole lot worse.

Oh and she sounds like a wonderful grounded sensible 12 year old girl that any parent would be proud of. So I would definitely listen to her wish to move school and now is the time to do it so so she can start afresh in September. People move their children's schools for a lot weaker reasons than this.

I would agree. She sounds like a really sensible girl who's struggling under horrendous social pressure. She's showing a lot of strength at such a young age. I would commend her and listen to her.

Get looking at schools.

Definitely move. I have similar age girls and not experienced this within their friendship groups so it might be a fresh start enables her to slot in with more likeminded friends.

@1dayatatime

Your daughter is being open and sharing with you the messages she has received so please do NOT do this and also apologise for doing so and explain to her that you made a mistake and that you are glad she feels she can talk to you about this. Otherwise she will simply not tell you anything next time and this situation will get a whole lot worse.

I agree with the others, don't take her phone as a result of her sharing with you - you put a massive barrier in place for her sharing next time. I agree with the poster who said don't take the phone but have a rule that it is charged out of the bedroom at night.

She needs to be out of that friendship group and is asking you to help her so you need to listen. I'd certainly be seriously considering her request if there are any schools at all that could take her.

I would look at moving schools, she's not getting a good education by the sounds of it and she's really struggling with the other kids. I'd have her visit a few times to make sure she likes the new school better.

I'd move her. I have a friend whose DD made an appalling start at her secondary school (different issue but equally unhappy child) and moving her is going to be the only way she'll get the fresh start she needs.

However, you need to be realistic with her: DD it will be possible to move you but if the catholic school is the only/best option then you can't refuse it because of the neighbour's kids.

Essentially you can't magic up the perfect school. With the move will come compromise, whether that's not liking some of the kids or distance or whatever.

I have 13 yo dd - the whole lgbtq+ as a fashion thing is a nightmare. Dd knows we are accepting and have gay friends but she also knows where I sit with trans. I remain open minded and to be proven otherwise but I feel the labels reduce being a woman to a stereotype and being you is enough and doesn’t need labels.

Luckily she’s found herself 3 good friends and they all just watch on confused at the drama in the rest of the year. Your experience sounds extreme so I’d consider moving her or teaching her to be firm at pushing back that she’s just being her. I imagine it’ll all have changed by September too.

Good luck op.

I'd move her school definitely but at the same organise some counselling for her to learn to deal with peer pressure and become her own person. I don't think a new school will be the panacea she wants, but I do think a break and fresh start, coupled with counselling, will help. Good luck.

Your poor daughter!
I’d defo move, and then let the school know exactly why.
Sounds like you and her have a great relationship and I agree to taking phone away at night-we all need a break!
I’d also treat her to a fab day together as a thank you for her being so honest with you.
Good luck!

Be aware that it might not be that different in another school - it’s the same in DDs school (although we are in England). She’s similar in that insists she is straight, but seems to be in the minority. I have also said ‘it’s fine if you are gay / bisexual etc I just want you to be happy’ as I don’t want her to feel she has to hide anything from us.

It also seems to be the popular thing to be going through some sort of emotional crisis every other day. But then isn’t that what teenagers have always been like?

However I think you need to encourage your DD - whether at her current school or a new school - to be herself and choose her friends carefully, not to go along with others just because they are pressuring her.

DD was in a friendship group with some girls where there was always some big drama about who had a crush on who, and she was always a go-between and was miserable - I reminded her that friends are supposed to be people that we enjoy hanging out with, and if they are making you unhappy then they aren’t friends. She withdrew from that group and made different friends and is happier. A lot of them are gay / non binary / trans, but I think she feels more confident now to be herself and stays out of any dramas.

Also, I think this thread would be better on the Teenagers board than in Feminism.

I also wouldn’t rule out catholic schools, worth emailing them anyway and, if they have space, having a look around.

I don't know what, if anything, to say to the school about DD wanting to leave and the reasons why. We did try complaining to the school about DDs education as I haven't been impressed but nothing changed in that regard. I am contacting other schools with a good reputation to see if they would be able to take DD ideally before the summer (we are in Scotland). Do we need to speak to current school first or just get a place elsewhere first? We are also considering a private school but that's expensive! So looking into good state schools higher in the league tables first

You don’t have to say anything to the current school. Just contact your preferred schools, find out if they have spaces at your daughter’s stage and make a placement request ASAP. Or contact the person who deals with placement requests at your local authority.

Personally I’d try to avoid giving a reason to anyone, as it’s a very political subject. If you have to, just say shes is being bullied / picked on and wants a fresh start.

You should get onto this tomorrow and try to move her before they start their new timetables.

If you post on Scotsnet, they might be able to advise you about specific schools in your area and their reputation on these controversial issues.

@SunshineNDaisies

We are not Catholic so wouldn't get into a Catholic school and DD does not like some pupils at the nearest Catholic school (neighbours kids).

We take her phone off her to stop her texting at night and get some sleep but also to give her a break from the peer pressure.

We've told her to be her own person and not to feel pressurised into things but DD says it is increasingly hard

She lost her best friend to a 'wendy' and has another BF but that friendship isn't great and I think DD just fell into that friendship for want of anyone else.

We've spoken to the school, we've tried out of school activities, we've encouraged her to speak to pastoral care, we've complained about disruptive lessons. We really have tried everything and I wouldn't say its "bad parenting". Thanks for that.

It’s sounds like you’re doing the right thing by allaying down firm boundaries with the phone.

This is one of life’s lessons and is a gamble. Do you put her in another school where this might be a problem or do you keep her there and tell her she should find new friends? It’s a tough one.

Being LGBTQ is fine. Pressurising others about their sexuality, to drink alcohol or self-harm is not ok.

If she isn't getting an education you value, isn't happy and actively has asked to leave the next stage is scoping out the options. No point leaving a bad school for a worse one.

If she were mine i would be looking at all options.

If you don't want private would extra tuition in some key subjects be palatable?

I think the lgbtq is a red herring here. Education and dealing with peer group/ finding a comfortable peer group is where I'd focus.

Move schools. Also tell the safeguarding lead that you are doing so because this friendship group has become toxic and your DD is being encouraged to self-harm and bullied for being straight. If you have screen shots of messages to that effect, even better. They need to know that in their school the 'inclusivity' has tipped into not only being exclusive but also bullying and encouraging self harm. They should take that very seriously - and you raising it might stop the same thing happening to another pupil.

We did speak to the head of her year as we weren't happy with some of the teaching and the distractions in classes. He was quite rude in his responses and dismissive. So we did try to resolve it.

Yes I have given DD lots of hugs and told her I'm really proud of her. We spoke again about the phone and she's happy for me to take it off her at night and check it when I ask to, just to make sure she's safe.

I posted on here because I was worried about the LGBT pressure and I wasn't sure if I would be called a homophobe on other boards.

We've spent last night and this morning looking at schools and emailing them. DD seems most keen on a school that's about an hour away but there's a local bus. She knows a few kids there (albeit boys so not sure if they'd want a girl hanging with them lol). Its high up the exam results league table so I'm worried there might not be places. There's also another school we're considering, but also a high demand school. I don't know if we do a placing request first, or if we can visit first. I did ask that question when I emailed.