Feminist pregnancy

[Orangepen13]

Hi,

First post here! I’m pregnant with my first child and am becoming more and more aware of the feminist ideals forced upon me - from pain-medication free labour, the parenting books available (“mummy makes”?!!), work expectations... the list goes on.

I’ve not been completely unaware of this, and very much hold the belief that a lot of gender inequality in our society comes from unpaid labour. Me and my partner are taking shared leave and the expectation is that we will be equal parts of the child’s care. However I have no doubt that this will be a battle!

I’m struggling to find like minded parents. When I mention shared leave to my friends/colleagues I get very quizzical looks and asked to explain myself. No one of my friends seems to talk about the unreasonable demands on women during pregnancy and labour, and whilst I do hear about unreasonable demands on childcare, no one seems to talk about challenging this.

I’m wondering if anyone has come across any groups, parenting books, parenting courses (etc.) that advocate a feminist stance to unpaid care?

I feel very much like an odd one out, and it’s hard to challenge all the bull with just one set of eyes!

Thanks!

P.s. I should add, I know I’m not the most educated on feminism out there. The reason I’m looking for more info and like minded people is because I want to learn more, question more, and be challenged. Please feel free to do this in a kind way ☺️

As I see it pregnancy and childbirth are all about the physical and emotional experience. I'd say to go with what feels right for you, not with what others expect of you, and if that means getting fully into the experience of being pregnant and giving birth, then do that.

When it is a first child it is all new, and until you have your first it can all seem like an intellectual exercise, and there is little realisation of what a profound experience and change it can be in your life; or its effect on your emotional life.

If you have to return to work after giving birth, this is simply a fact and you will need to agree some terms with your partner; but you may find you feel like you would like to return just P/T or even not at all......if this is at all a possibility.

It is difficult, because on one hand your mind and ideas about fairness in life tell you one thing, but your body and your emotions and instincts can sometimes tell you something else. So many couples argue over such things, and to some degree this is inevitable.

I'm not sure what to advise except to trust your instincts, whilst also agreeing a plan of action with your partner.

I’m pregnant with my first child and am becoming more and more aware of the feminist ideals forced upon me - from pain-medication free labour, the parenting books available (“mummy makes”?!!), work expectations... the list goes on.

I'm not sure what you mean by "feminist ideals forced up me"? Can you explain a bit more what you mean and what you feel forced to do? I have never heard of the parenting book you mention either.

When you say like-minded parents, do you mean those who have also taken shared parental leave?

I personally didn't do this with DC1 as DH earned less than me and I breastfed so it made financial and practical sense mot to do that.

Pregnancy, childbirth and the newborn stage will also make you firmly realise that there a things a man can just not do (in case you didn't already know lol) so, in terms of equality, it won't exist.

OP, I don’t understand your reference to a “pain medication free labour” being a feminist ideal?
I’ve been a radical feminist since the 1970’s. I also worked as a hospital doctor for 36 years, specialising in anaesthetics, during which I administered epidurals to over a thousand women.
Feminists are in favour of women’s choice, not exhorting them to suffer needless pain as a mission statement!

Oops - my first mistake - I meant patriarchal ideals! As in, ideals of how I should be as a female, as a mother. Which is the exact opposite of what I wrote! Sorry.

The books is a cook book - I just felt furious that it was titled “mummy makes” and aimed at mums rather than parents.

By ‘feminist ideals’, do you mean femininity/perfect woman rather than feminism/standing for women?

Sorry - again, wrong use of the words. I meant exactly the opposite of what I said. Patriarchal ideals probably better term.

See, I knew I needed some more education!

Oh cross post, patriarchy, that was the word I was looking for, brain not working today!

I have always wondered why a pain medication free labour is something to strive for, you don’t win any prizes for it!

Oops - my first mistake - I meant patriarchal ideals! As in, ideals of how I should be as a female, as a mother. Which is the exact opposite of what I wrote! Sorry

Motherhood, and the images surrounding, it are pretty primal. There is no escaping this fact no matter how much we intellectualise it.

I'd say try to relax and not impose too many conditions on yourself; try to go with what feels right, best, most comfortable for you.

If at all possible, try to enjoy the experience of pregnancy and childbirth. It can be a very primary and powerful experience; and one that is unique to women.

Obviously i'm speaking from my own experience. I had my children young and before i'd stared a career. I appreciate, though, for many that a career and establishment in life comes before children, though......and this has to be negotiated.

Ok, that makes more sense!

Pregnancy, birth and newly becoming a mother can be a vulnerable time, and it is also a time when patriarchal ideals are heavily pushed and presented as the norm. You don't have to comply.

The problem with shared parental leave is that is is impractical and unworkable for many couples. It is also patriarchal in its design, which is that the woman has to give up part of her maternity leave to facilitate the (male) partner taking leave. It should be paternity leave that is extended to give men longer paid time off that doesn't require women to relinquish their leave.

I have always wondered why a pain medication free labour is something to strive for, you don’t win any prizes for it

I can only speak for myself, but I had three 'natural' births at home, and really appreciated that fact. the experience was intense, but powerful and inspiring, some women quite like the idea of that kind of experience if at all possible. As soon as you get into hospital you get processed.

Not only do you not win any prizes, you often don't get any choice in the matter. I had two very medical births, when I wanted and had planned for home births both times, both utterly unavoidable.

I think I know what you mean. I was also really irked by all the mummy shit I saw around me while pregnant, the lack of focus on Dad's roles etc. I have a good career and was definite mine wouldn't suffer any more than my husbands. I was very certain that I would be 50:50 with husband with everything with our kids. In some ways we are, we both work 4 days and each stay home with them one day a week etc. But, when they were born it was like some primal beast took me over....i didn't WANT him to do night feeds (breastfed bottle refusers anyway), I had no issue with him going out etc because I wanted to sit and snuggle them and smell their little heads etc, still now when they're toddlers if they're hurt I want to be the one they seek for comfort. I found strength rather than oppression in the new role. I'm sure it's not that way for all but just to say how you feel when the baby arrives may be completely different to what you expect.

Hi OP, sharing my experience of this in case it helps...

DH and I have a 13 month old DS. Similar to you, we'd talked about equally sharing childcare. The reality was quite different, especially in the early days, which took me by surprise. For example...

My body needed considerable time to heal. For a while it therefore made more sense for DP to do certain things (changing sheets, putting out bins, shopping, driving).

It took me ages to establish breastfeeding properly and I was never very good at expressing. This meant I did all the feeding. Not sure if this is typical, but for DS, filling a nappy and going to sleep also revolved around feeding. I therefore did 90% off all this care as well.

DS had some problems with low birth weight and subsequent lack of weight gain. Due to Covid, only one parent was allowed to medical appointments and as I was breastfeeding, that was me. I therefore took on all of this as well.

To begin with, basically I looked after the baby and DH looked after me and the house. This was not what we'd (perhaps naively) planned, but it was what worked in practice.

As DS has got older, things have and continue to even out. Me and DH are both back at work (both full time but from home, both jobs equally respected within our family unit). We still both play to our strengths in terms of the care we do (DH is better at playing, I'm better at bedtime routine), but I'd say overall it's a fairly equitable split.

I guess what I'm saying is that if it isn't 50/50 to begin with, don't be down hearted because you can even it up later on if you make a concerted effort to do so.

I think the experience that I and all my female friends have had is that as soon as you have a baby even the most "equal" couple end up in a homemaker/breadwinner situation - sometimes even when both the man and woman are working.

Suddenly all the domestic load will fall to you. So that's what you need to watch out for. Don't let it happen. Push back. Make sure he's taking your DC to appointments, filling out forms, researching schools etc.

As a starting point I highly recommend Fair Play by Eve Rodsky. I feel like if you go into this with your eyes open you have a better chance of winning the fight.

Also be aware that a lot of women (myself included) intensely hate their husbands for the first few months after having a baby.

Watching with interest about any feminist parenting books / groups etc.

I'm sure it's not that way for all but just to say how you feel when the baby arrives may be completely different to what you expect

Exactly!

Best just try to be open to the whole experience, and take it from there.....whilst having some basic agreements in place with your partner.

In terms of books, you could have a look at "Parenting Beyond Pink and Blue" by Christia Spears Brown, which is about pushing back against sex-based stereotypes.

Give birth like a feminist by Milli hill
What mother Do by Naomi stadlen
Ourselves as mother's by Shelia Kitzinger
Birth Map by Catherine Bell

www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2021/may/18/parent-trap-why-the-cult-of-the-perfect-mother-has-to-end

If you haven't already seen this it might be of interest, although it is in the Guardian.

Personally I think the best thing any of us can do as parents is get the right balance between prioritising our children's needs whilst taking care of our own and smashing the capitalist patriarchy. Not easy, but both parents working less than full time helps, if you can.

Thank you all so much - these are exactly the kinds of conversations and recommendations I was hoping for!

I’ve always been super critical of what I perceived to be the patriarchy. I had a strong sense that it would all be equal going into pregnancy/child rearing and then almost as soon as it happened it all started to fall away from me and I couldn’t see what I was being “overly sensitive” about, and what actually is oppressive. I even started hearing myself say “my parenting book” rather than “ours” when talking to my partner 😂 (small fry but it annoyed me, haha). It’s so reassuring to hear other experiences across the board and just to be thinking differently about when to push back and when not.

For me, I love my job and I love my role in life and maybe I will love being a mum more than that. But I would like the option of being able to keep the balance open - which it sounds like some people have managed.

I’m also bristol based - so if anyone knows of anything local, or are local themselves, let me know!

Thanks so much for being so generous!

It's worth remembering that "equal" doesn't mean sharing every task 50/50. It should mean equal effort/time/respect, whilst recognising that particularly around birth and early infancy there are some tasks that only women can do. Birth and birth recovery itself being the obvious one, and then breastfeeding being another.

It should mean equal effort/time/respect, whilst recognising that particularly around birth and early infancy there are some tasks that only women can do.

Very well said!