Feminist pregnancy

[Orangepen13]

Hi,

First post here! I’m pregnant with my first child and am becoming more and more aware of the feminist ideals forced upon me - from pain-medication free labour, the parenting books available (“mummy makes”?!!), work expectations... the list goes on.

I’ve not been completely unaware of this, and very much hold the belief that a lot of gender inequality in our society comes from unpaid labour. Me and my partner are taking shared leave and the expectation is that we will be equal parts of the child’s care. However I have no doubt that this will be a battle!

I’m struggling to find like minded parents. When I mention shared leave to my friends/colleagues I get very quizzical looks and asked to explain myself. No one of my friends seems to talk about the unreasonable demands on women during pregnancy and labour, and whilst I do hear about unreasonable demands on childcare, no one seems to talk about challenging this.

I’m wondering if anyone has come across any groups, parenting books, parenting courses (etc.) that advocate a feminist stance to unpaid care?

I feel very much like an odd one out, and it’s hard to challenge all the bull with just one set of eyes!

Thanks!

I get the spirit of what you're saying @SassenachsWhaHae but I'm personally a little troubled by it. I heard that narrative loud and clear when I was pregnant and so prepared myself for giving birth, what choices I was prepared to make and what I didn't want. But the thing was in the end even with all that preparation, I still had a very traumatic birth. Made more traumatic by trying to assert my thoughts over the opinions of experienced and expert medical professionals.
So OP I'd actually be wary of trying to be the perfect feminist here. You absolutely should make your own choices but don't get too caught up in the 'maternity units are patriarchal' narrative that you don't trust them. They do actually know what they're talking about and have you and your baby's best interests at heart.

I agree with Cannes12. I do not belittle all the work that women do to understand their birth options and prepare - and for women who get to have an empowering birth, it worked for them. But they were lucky not to have a medical emergency where believe me, things move very fast and as with many things in motherhood, we may have fewer choices than we think we will. So not giving yourself a hard time about an unsettling birth, (and if it makes you happier Sassenachs could we agree that some women get empowering births through their competence, and some through luck?) If you have a great birth all is good, but dwelling on an unsettling birth after when the baby is already there may not be helpful. Good counselling to achieve closure in such a case may lead a woman to say “I did nothing wrong, I wasn’t less clever or competent, I was just unlucky” - and that is no judgement on the competence of other women. The important thing then is making the most of what comes after.

Sorry I should have said that women can have empowering births through a mix of competence and luck, not one or the other. It is definitely worth reading up and taking your midwife/midwives into partnership with you about what “good birth” looks like to you, just don’t be too disappointed if it takes a different shape in the moment. A bit like two people with the same qualifications and experience in two different companies in a recession, one might get promoted and the other made redundant. The one who gets promoted probably thinks it’s all down to their competence, the one who gets made redundant sees that there is an element of luck in all careers. Anyway I won’t derail this lovely thread to what is only one aspect of motherhood. OP I think this shows how even women drawn to the FWR board can disagree so feminism still entails different world views and attitudes so keep us posted on how your own views about feminism and motherhood develop! I feel sure you will chart a great course with your baby given your open and sparky attitude.

@Cannes12 and @Forgotthebins agreed and absolutely. I think the problem with all these things about motherhood is they often get reduced to catchphrases, almost, and people tend to be very attached to the one that describes their own experience? Maybe not quite the right word... but I mean like the breast is best / fed is best dichotomy where the one is very empowering for people who breastfeed and the other matters a lot to people who chose not to or encountered problems that prevented them from doing so. The same with birth I guess: 'it's your choice' can be very empowering but as you say @Forgotthebins 'it's really just down to luck' can help a lot if you have a bad birth experience.

Of course the problem is that reality is a lot more complex but 'breastmilk is the ideal food for a baby, so society should support it a lot more, but formula is also a very very good substitute and no one should be made to feel bad for their choices' doesn't roll off the tongue quite so easily. Nor does 'you can increase your odds of having a positive birth but as with anything life/nature might throw you some curveballs and you shouldn't feel bad if your homebirth ends up as an emergency c-section". But both are more accurate than the 'soundbite' versions.

I wouldn't say maternity units are patriarchal and yes HCPs do for the most part have the best interests of mother and baby at heart. But I do believe that the structures surrounding modern, medicalised birth have patriarchal roots. And that quite a lot of things that HCPs recommend / do with regards to birth, whilst well-intentioned, is rooted in "this is how things have always been done" even when the way things have always been done is based on pretty ropey research. An example I find really fascinating is the partogram, which is the graph used to track progress in labour. The original graph (on which expected progress of women giving birth across the world to this day is based) was made from a 1950s study of 500 women giving birth in hospitals in the US. A Cochrane Review recently concluded that it found insufficient evidence to recommend the partogram as a tool in spontaneous labour. But a woman's progress along it is still used as a diagnostic for whether they 'need' further interventions.

Anyway. I'll stop blethering as it is getting a touch off-topic.

"you can increase your odds of having a positive birth but as with anything life/nature might throw you some curveballs and you shouldn't feel bad if your homebirth ends up as an emergency c-section"

It's wordy, but it's useful. If someone had said this to me before I ended up having an unplanned c-section with my first I'd have felt far less sad and guilty after it happened. I did a lot of research/prep but having gone down the NCT route there was not much reassurance or positivity, or indeed preparation in our group for the possibility or likelihood that it might happen (I know that this differs from group to group depending on the practitioner). It should be standard.

@Forgotthebins and your analogy about the person who does/doesn't get promoted is a really good one. In that situation too there is space to critique the system as a whole for not properly supporting / recognising the needs of the unpromoted person! ;)

@AnotherEmma

Oh and I think people fall into the trap of thinking we live in a fairly "equal" society until they become parents and then the full weight of the patriarchy - complete with substandard maternity services, radically different expectations of mothers and fathers, gender stereotypes in clothes, toys and everything else, and the gender pay gap - punches you hard in the face. It's impossible to ignore when you have children.

I agree - I even think some people manage until the second pregnancy as the second maternity leave can be the crunch point, financially, if both parents have been part time until then.

It was for us, and a number of parents I knew who worked 3-4 days each and shared childcare on their day off. All four of us ended up with full time working dad and mum on a year's maternity after the second pregnancy as we just couldn't afford to live on a part time wage and part time maternity pay. We'd all approached the first time as shared leave etc.

@HecatesCatsInFancyHats

"you can increase your odds of having a positive birth but as with anything life/nature might throw you some curveballs and you shouldn't feel bad if your homebirth ends up as an emergency c-section"

It's wordy, but it's useful. If someone had said this to me before I ended up having an unplanned c-section with my first I'd have felt far less sad and guilty after it happened. I did a lot of research/prep but having gone down the NCT route there was not much reassurance or positivity, or indeed preparation in our group for the possibility or likelihood that it might happen (I know that this differs from group to group depending on the practitioner). It should be standard.

I'm really sorry that was your experience. I think it's a challenging (but important) balance to strike in 'positive birth' circles. I think sometimes it can feel to practitioners / activists like there's so much negativity out there about birth (I shudder when I watch any birth in a film / TV show these days) that it's easy to fall into the trap of thinking the only thing you can or should do is be unfailingly positive and upbeat... but of course as you highlight that really isn't helpful because even if we did strip away all of the stuff that is problematic about the modern culture around birth, you would STILL have women who did have traumatic births, or who needed forceps / ventous / c-section to get them and baby through safely, and it's really important to make space for them to process that without feeling guilty or sad.

It is complicated and I appreciate all the food for thought from this thread.