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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

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Original poster

“Giving away” at weddings - anyone done something different?

129 replies

TheThermalStair · 16/05/2021 16:57

Coming under some (kindly meant) pressure to have my dad give me away at my wedding. I won’t be doing that for obvious reasons but I’m trying to think of alternatives - come up the aisle alone? Both parents? Me and DP swing in on trapezes? Just wondering how other feminists have handled it.

OP posts:
Orangesox · 16/05/2021 23:29

Another couple who walked in together here. We’d been together exactly 11 years at that stage, we wanted to start our marriage as our entire relationship had been before it, and as we meant to go on - as equals. My dad didn’t attend (acrimonious parental divorce), my mother was rather put out that she didn’t get to walk me down the aisle, but then, she was most put out that the entire day wasn’t all about her so I couldn’t have won that either way!

TwittleBee · 16/05/2021 23:31

We also walked down together

CharlieParley · 16/05/2021 23:36

No aisle here, just a registry office and a very small ceremony. We were there together from the beginning. There was never any question of my dad giving me away as that's not what is done where I come from.

And it'd be easy for me to tell you to just do what you want, but it's your dad and your relationship with him that matters. I might have let my dad give me away if he had his heart set on this tradition and I would not have thought that it made me any less of a feminist. Because I honestly don't accept the concept of him owning me as a notion and so it would just have been one of those wedding things that we follow, like the rice being thrown etc.

Like where I come from instead of stag dos or hen nights the couple invite all their friends and family for an informal party, normally the night before the wedding. All the guests bring crockery and smash it on the ground for luck. I don't believe in stuff like that, but I've still done it at every pre-wedding party I attended.

Some traditions become meaningless in any real sense when the underlying societal concepts and laws change, and giving a daughter away is one of those in my view.

So let your dad give you away or follow one of the many suggestions you got from previous posters. Just as long as you do what feels right for you.

EishetChayil · 17/05/2021 00:03

I'm Jewish, and walked down the aisle with both my parents. I hate the idea of a woman being "given away" by her father.

ChiefClerkDrumknott · 17/05/2021 00:14

We walked in together. As it happens, due to COVID it was just us and two witnesses, rather than the 15 or so we had originally invited. However, we had always planned on walking in together. I find the woman walking down the isle to be given away to a man rather baffling tbh
But then, we got ready in our own house and popped to ‘spoons for a pint with our witnesses beforehand (which we had planned to do anyway), so weren’t bothered about elaborate preparations and being separate beforehand anyway Grin

MrsFionaCharming · 17/05/2021 00:24

I walked down with both my parents, my mum said afterwards how much she loved it and now tells all her friends they should be waking their daughters!

DH was stood at the alter with his parents.

We were asked “who brings this woman to be married” and my parents said “we do”, then “who brings this man to be married?” And PILs said “we do”.

It was a really nice way to involve all of them, and not just have it be me who was “given away”.

wheresmymojo · 17/05/2021 00:43

I had both parents walk down the aisle in front of me, I walked down alone.

I'm a grown woman and don't 'belong' to anyone to be 'given away'

Aria999 · 17/05/2021 03:54

I went by myself. Love my dad but the giving away thing makes me cringe.

MayLeaveADentInYourSofa · 17/05/2021 04:06

I wanted my dad to walk me down the aisle because I like that tradition but I arranged for the wording of the ceremony to be changed so there was no 'giving away'. When we got to the front he just sat down in his chair and we got on with it.

MindyStClaire · 17/05/2021 04:58

@dratalanta

both bride and groom each walking down the aisle with one or both of their parents, who then 'present' them to be married. I like the symbolism of leaving one's family and joining together with another person to create a new family unit.

Lesbian here. This exactly. DW and I walked in separately, each of us accompanied by our parents (one parent on each side).

Was important to us to mark forming a new family (we were in our early 30s, no kids) - and our parents liked it too.

This was us too (mixed sex couple). FIL was offered but chose not to, he did a reading. So MIL walked DH, then my bridesmaids (so we didn't see each other and still had the "moment") and then me with both of my parents.

No language around giving away.

It was lovely, and our parents were bursting with pride. They all get along well so there was lots of hugs at kisses and shaking of hands as we all greeted each other at the top of the aisle and the music finished.

EmmaGrundyForPM · 17/05/2021 05:06

Dh and I walked in together. It was a registry office as dh doesn't believe in God.

MsMarvellous · 17/05/2021 06:19

My sad and my brother walked me down the aisle but there was no reference to being given away.

joystir59 · 17/05/2021 06:31

Dear wife and I walked down the aisle together.

Medianoche · 17/05/2021 06:42

Where we got married, you traditionally have godparents for the wedding. It’s usually one from each side, so it’s a more equal thing than giving away the bride. My husband had his mum with him - I walked up the aisle with one of my brothers (because my Dad was much happier not having an official role in things).
If we’d been doing things the traditional English way, my brother would probably have been Best Man, so it was a nice way to include him.

Dowermouse · 17/05/2021 07:00

Arrived together on same transport, walked in together, dm and sil signed the register.

Mumoblue · 17/05/2021 07:49

My sister walked in with her oldest son, and then walked down the aisle by herself, with her daughter leading the way as flower girl. It was really lovely.

I’m not really one for getting married, but if I do I’ll probably walk by myself.

SignOnTheWindow · 17/05/2021 08:28

We had a very simple town hall wedding, but DH and I walked in together. Both mums signed as witnesses as dads were on the marriage cert already.

BoogieFeet · 17/05/2021 08:37

I walked by myself. I was surprised how hard the (women) registrars pushed in our preceding meetings that really I should have my dad give me away?!

YetAnotherSpartacus · 17/05/2021 10:54

NRTFT but to me, this is the tip of the iceberg re sexism and patriarchy in the whole marriage/wedding complex. Picked it at a relative's wedding when I was about six and decided that would never, ever be me.

Helleofabore · 17/05/2021 11:01

@YetAnotherSpartacus

NRTFT but to me, this is the tip of the iceberg re sexism and patriarchy in the whole marriage/wedding complex. Picked it at a relative's wedding when I was about six and decided that would never, ever be me.
Yes. me too.
BloomingTrees · 17/05/2021 11:02

My dad died so I asked my brother to step in. I didn't want to walk by myself as it I would have felt the gap from my dad not being there too much. My sister was my bridesmaid so we walked with her as well.

It was lovely and nobody would ever think my brother was giving me away.

DifficultBloodyWoman · 17/05/2021 11:18

DH and I didn’t get married in a church.

We were both milling around and greeting and talking to guests and I honestly have no idea how we both wound up next to the celebrant. It wasn’t a large venue so we may have walked towards her together. The photographer may have herded us? She may have called us over? No idea. But it was a wonderful day with no ‘giving away’.

Although, my brother did make a joke about giving me away and ‘no refunds’. He is an idiot, though.

FluffyPersian · 17/05/2021 11:46

I walked myself down the isle - bridesmaids first, then me...
Wore a black dress
I kept my title and surname (and he kept his)
I did the speech, not him....(he didn't want to)

To be fair, I asked his Mothers permission to marry him, got down on one knee and proposed and he was the one with the engagement ring, not me.....He didn't mind at all as I had a ring in one hand, and his favourite type of pie in the other..... so bribery definitely worked Grin

Definitelyrandom · 17/05/2021 12:16

Walked down the aisle 30 odd years ago in Church with my sister as "best woman". My father wasn't alive, but that wasn't the reason. I wasn't being given away by anyone!

CorpusCallosum · 17/05/2021 13:07

I walked in with my brother - single parent family, thought about having my mum but we agreed it was a nice way for bro to be involved in the ceremony. We cut out all the 'who brings this woman' nonsense, once we were at the front he just gave me a hug and sat down.

I quite liked the symbolism of arriving at the church separately to DH and then leaving together so walking in with DH wouldn't have been for me.

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