BBC3 - women's violence against men

[Clymene]

My 14 DS told me he'd seen this BBC3 video and how awful it was that people won't intervene when women are assaulting men whereas they will when men assault women

The video ends with a v/o that the number of women convicted of domestic violence went up nearly 4 times between 2006 and 2016.

These are the messages my DS took away from it:
-Men are more likely to be hurt if they're physically assaulted by women in public than the other way round
-Women are getting much more violent and are nearly as violent as men
-As a man, he is probably at as much risk as a woman of being a victim of dv.

Despite the seemingly alarming rise in WVAM (which I haven't fact checked), men are still responsible for 97% of domestic violence. I had to tell my DS that though because the BBC certainly didn't make that clear.

In fact, the video very much gives the impression that women are as bad as men and I don't think my son's dubious conclusions were unfair. In fact, I'd say they were exactly the conclusions the video is encouraging.

Why?

@MrsTroutfireVII

Sorry, I honestly wasn't making a joke of it. This may be female violence and may have been an ill advised action but it doesn't sound like what I'd view as typical domestic abuse so much as an argument that got out of hand.

But your relationship doesn't sound healthy if I'm honest and I'm not saying that to be nasty. Both of you deserve better. I'd get some counselling or seriously consider whether you're right for each other.

Thanks.

Butt out. You're obviously not here in good faith

Um, ok.

I'm just trying to understand what actually happened.

Sorry, just seen your last post. I honestly wasn't trying to be snarky.

@MrsTroutfireVII

Butt out. You're obviously not here in good faith

Um, ok.

I'm just trying to understand what actually happened.

You were very apologetic in your other reply to me. You invited me to tell you to "butt out."

I think my situation is actually very normal.

I'm going to bow out. There's news on Maya's case

One of my best male friends was in a tempestuous relationship. Neither one really abused the other but they had really bad arguments and smashed stuff etc. Like tv's and mirrors etc. Both were otherwise pretty decent people and were never violent outside of the relationship.

It ended with a big argument where she keyed his new BMW in front of him and he totally lost it and kicked her in the leg. He got done for assault and it totally fucked up his career which involved working for the police as an expert witness - needed to be able to pass an advanced CRB check which he now can't.

You don't want to end up like that. I hope it all gets resolved.

@MrsTroutfireVII

One of my best male friends was in a tempestuous relationship. Neither one really abused the other but they had really bad arguments and smashed stuff etc. Like tv's and mirrors etc. Both were otherwise pretty decent people and were never violent outside of the relationship.

It ended with a big argument where she keyed his new BMW in front of him and he totally lost it and kicked her in the leg. He got done for assault and it totally fucked up his career which involved working for the police as an expert witness - needed to be able to pass an advanced CRB check which he now can't.

You don't want to end up like that. I hope it all gets resolved.

Yeah. I'm him. Get it?

@MrsTroutfireVII

One of my best male friends was in a tempestuous relationship. Neither one really abused the other but they had really bad arguments and smashed stuff etc. Like tv's and mirrors etc. Both were otherwise pretty decent people and were never violent outside of the relationship.

It ended with a big argument where she keyed his new BMW in front of him and he totally lost it and kicked her in the leg. He got done for assault and it totally fucked up his career which involved working for the police as an expert witness - needed to be able to pass an advanced CRB check which he now can't.

You don't want to end up like that. I hope it all gets resolved.

We don't have BMWs.

Yes, I did. I just wanted to be clear I wasn't trying to be sarcastic or an arse. I agree that your situation is far from uncommon.

I'm off to bed now too as it's 6am here in the UK and I've been up all night.

Sleep well.

Sorry, meant to quote. Was replying to tour post below.

You were very apologetic in your other reply to me. You invited me to tell you to "butt out."

I think my situation is actually very normal.

@MrsTroutfireVII

Yes, I did. I just wanted to be clear I wasn't trying to be sarcastic or an arse. I agree that your situation is far from uncommon.

I'm off to bed now too as it's 6am here in the UK and I've been up all night.

Sleep well.

You, too. I'm that rare exception that makes the rule. But I do know what I'm talking about.

I've had my career fucked up and never kicked anything or anyone, much less a BMW.

Good fucking God Trout, are you so heavily invested in men that you are actually attacking and bickering with a victim online?

What is wrong with you?

Fly, this person isn't someone you should be taking notice of. They're here with an agenda.

I'm deeply sorry you're going through everything right now.

I have a son and a daughter and when they're older, I'll be telling both about abuse in relationships, what's normal and what isn't, the different types of abuse, what to look for, love bombing etc.

Anyone can be a victim and forewarned is forearmed.

My friend got a lot of comeuppance for what he did - blokes threatening beat him up etc, and people messaging his subsequent girlfriends on Facebook to tell them what he'd done every time he started dating a new girlfriend.

He's not a bad guy though. He just made a bad decision and lost control, which I'm not saying is ok but it happens and had been building for ages.

@Lemmen

Good fucking God Trout, are you so heavily invested in men that you are actually attacking and bickering with a victim online?

What is wrong with you?

I'm actually ok with it. I'm going through it first hand.

I just think more attention needs to be paid to who has the physical strength and who doesn't.

@Lemmen

Fly, this person isn't someone you should be taking notice of. They're here with an agenda.

I'm deeply sorry you're going through everything right now.

I never thought that. I'll disengage.

"You twat". Seriously? You're a dude.

@MrsTroutfireVII I just wanted to point out that the way you describe your friend ("not a bad guy", "bad decision", "just lost control", "I'm not saying it's ok, but...") is exactly how almost all domestic abusers (of all severities and frequencies) speak about themselves when they can't deny actual violence. It's also how friends or family of theirs speak about them when they want to justify sticking by them. The next step is usually to further and further impune the character of the victim - subtly or otherwise - or push the 'six of one, half a dozen of the other' narrative to justify it.

I'm truly not saying this to be goady, just as one to watch out for because it's harder to spot when you're doing it yourself, I find (and I have certainly found myself doing a similar minimising, applying skewed standards etc. in different contexts where my friends or family have been concerned).

Yep, disengage and ignore.

@Lemmen

Yep, disengage and ignore.

Thank you. It's just that I was wrong, but I want it to be put into context. I never did worse than what was done to me.

I just think more attention needs to be paid to who has the physical strength and who doesn't.

If your partner is using his strength to physically bully you then of course that's abuse. I'm not saying it's right to have hit him but he doesn't sound great. I used to have a violent streak and learnt my lesson. I trained thai boxing for around five years in my early 20s as I thought it would give me confidence but it just made me somebody with a chip on my shoulder and the ability to hurt people.

I got in a fight with another girl after I'd been drinking and broke her nose badly. I only avoided prosecution because my friends said it was self defence. It wasn't really. She was being aggressive and was probably the one who started it, but she wasn't being physical, just insulting me and I had plenty of opportunity to walk away which I probably would've when I was younger. But I knew I would probably win and didnt want to back down in front of my mates so I decked her. I was lucky to get away with it and I'll never make that mistake again.

I dont mean training gave me a chip on my shoulder. I already had one but it gave me the 'confidence' to back it up and I became more confrontational.