Cultural differences around the age of getting married

[nickymanchester]

I just had a very interesting chat with my DH where he was telling me some of the things that his work colleagues had been telling him about what the expectations of marriage are where they are located.

I just had no idea that there were such differences. Am I naive to not have realised that these attitudes still exist?

By way of background, DH works for a large engineering company that have operations throughout the world and he was talking to some colleagues in the USA (specifically in the southeast US - that is North & South Carolina, Georgia, Alabama, Tennessee, Mississippi etc).

One colleague just mentioned that his daughter, who is in the final year of university, had just got married. My DH expressed surprise about that, with her being so young and still studying, but he said that this was quite normal in that part of the world.

Apparently their zoom meeting then got side tracked into a discussion on this and a couple of them said that in the Southeast USA, there still seems to be familial/societal pressure for girls to be married by the time they graduate college.

Another colleague also mentioned that his daughter had got married in the summer before her last year of college as well and since then had attended over 25 weddings of friends in similar situations over the last two years.

Another colleague, who is based in the midwest (places like Nebraska, Kansas etc) said it was a similar situation there with loads of weddings in the first year or two after college.

Perhaps I should have put this in AIBU, but AIBU to be surprised that there is still this sort of pressure or expectation in a western country in the 21st century?

Elsewhere in the US, things are obviously very different (or, at least, I presume they are) as the US Census Bureau says that the median age for first marriage for a woman is 27.9.

The average age for first marriage for a woman in the UK is 32.

Now, obviously, a lot fewer people are actually getting married these days and there is less pressure on people to get married.

However, for there to be a four year difference in age of first marriage between the UK and the US shows that there are some real cultural differences.

It's even more stark when you look at individual states. In many of the states in the southeast and midwest the median age of first marriage for a woman is 25 or 26.

Whereas in places like New York or Washington it is about 30 - a lot closer to the UK figure.

When my DH mentioned this conversation to me I didn't think much about it, but the fact that the age of first marriage in those states is so much lower than in the UK (and other parts of the US) show that, yes, this is actually still a thing in those parts of the US - an expectation that women are to be married off as soon as is reasonable.

Are we (or, at least, some Americans) still living in a world like that?

I’m American. I didn’t read your whole thread (sorry) but what you’re talking about is more a socioeconomic variation than regional. Also there are larger proportions of evangelical Christians in the south so that may be relevant as well. My relatives in the Carolinas definitely aren’t looking to marry off their early 20s daughters!

I'm reading a book called " How to be Single" by Liz Ticcillo part novel part self help book. And this girl travels all over the world finding out about why people in different are single. And the country's societal expectations about relationships and marriage

Well worth a read

Yeah it's pretty normal in the US for people to get married straight out of college and up to 25. I'm in a group on Fb that made me notice it. Small town culture is more apparent there than here I think. And they often want kids younger whereas here careers are forcefully pushed as the ideal.

@SenecaFallsRedux

I think it's also important to consider that when looking at statistics about people who identify as Christians in the US, that also includes more liberal churches, like Episcopal, Presbyterian (USA), Methodist, etc. For example, the US Episcopal Church is actually ahead of most of the Anglican Communion, including the C of E, in solemnizing same sex marriages.

True. I always use evangelical as a modifier as this is quite different from the more traditional Christian churches like Presbyterian, Lutheran, Catholic.

Not read all the posts sorry. Has anyone mentioned that child marriage is legal in some states under certain circs?

www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/200-000-children-married-us-15-years-child-marriage-child-brides-new-jersey-chris-christie-a7830266.html

They count 16 and 17 as child which is in line with WHO etc but also there are children younger than that, usually girls to older men.

EG
'The youngest wedded were three 10-year-old girls in Tennessee who married men aged 24, 25 and 31 in 2001. The youngest groom was an 11-year-old who married a 27-year-old woman in the same state in 2006.'

'Children as young as 12 were granted marriage licences in Alaska, Louisiana and South Carolina, while 11 other states allowed 13-year-olds to wed.

More than 1,000 children aged 14 or under were granted marriage licences.'

'A 14-year-old girl married a 74-year-old man in Alabama, while a 17-year-old wed a 65-year-old groom in Idaho.'

@BlairWarner

I’m American. I didn’t read your whole thread (sorry) but what you’re talking about is more a socioeconomic variation than regional. Also there are larger proportions of evangelical Christians in the south so that may be relevant as well. My relatives in the Carolinas definitely aren’t looking to marry off their early 20s daughters!

I agree with this. I grew up in Texas. I got married fir the first time at 27. I felt absolutely no pressure to do so..

I worked with lots of Americans in my early/mid 30s (northern cities) and was always surprised when whoever I was talking to, who was similarly aged, mentioned their teenage kids.

I was just kind of getting round to maybe getting married and thinking of having kids.

My theory is it’s partly because in general the cost of living is less there than here, so one salary whilst you have children fairly young is survivable, coupled with lack of maternity rights - no point in putting it off of its going to interrupt your career later.

These were all mid-level professionals. They’d reached (with children) the same level I’d reached without children, and then I still had to have a career break later.

I’m sure they had some hard times whilst their children were small (and I was out partying) but I know now which way round I’d rather have done it.

That's an interesting thought, womanity.

I don’t think it is that big a deal. I thought you were going to be pointing out girls getting married as teenagers. What a non issue.

I’m in the us and it’s pretty common to get married within a few years of university. That doesn’t mean people start families though. They focus on building careers and buying houses.

You say the average age is 25/26. I'm not sure what your problem is. That's hardly news worthy.

I think your idea, OP, that couples marrying earlier signifies some lower level of women's rights is a bit of a leap. Off the top of my head, I would say that maybe they can afford to buy a house at a younger age.

Odd though that they would start married life with a year left to do at college.

Definitely religion is involved there...... I lived in the states and in the south east, there is definitely pressure.

Lived in Kansas and I kid you not, the first questions you got asked were usually:

1. Where are you from.
2. What do you do
3. What church do you go to

sex before marriage is still frowned upon in many circles.

Growing up in the UK I knew a lot of people my age in a church community - most were married just after university and most were still virgins.

My best friend from school was one of them - she's still married now, 25 years later but never had the opportunity to date anyone outside of the church as she was brainwashed as are most people brought up in baptist based religion. She never got the opportunity to consider anything other than what she was told from birth because if she had, she would have been disowned.

That is not a world I would want anyone to live in

In Georgia, my native state, there is a tendency to marry right after college. Three reasons for this:

1. For devout Christians, no sex before marriage. So, they get married.
2. For the less devout, marriage before babies. So if the girl gets pregnant, the couple gets married before the baby arrives.
3. For men planning to continue their education, i.e. a medical degree or a law degree and need financial support, they propose to and marry a girl who is graduating and she supports the family while he continues his education. There was a saying at Emory University in Atlanta "If you want to marry a doctor, be a teacher." When the acceptance letters go out for the medical school and the law school they are immediately followed by engagement announcements from girls majoring in education. They will get jobs teaching and put their husbands through school.

Back in the 70s most women got married at 21-23. It was quite usual to get married just after leaving university.

If you want to be married before having kids, then surely an average age of 28 for marriage is better than 32?

I know so many women whose partners have strung them along with hints of proposals then long engagements, then not wanting to "rush" into having children when they've been together since their mid-20s.

I almost feel like it's actually a pressure to do things later in the UK (and then pray you haven't left things too late fertility wise) rather than the US being worryingly early. Certainly a lot of my friends have admitted they've had kids closer together in age than they'd liked because they were running out of time.

Have to agree I’m not sure this is any more of a bad thing than the cultural propensity here to wait until mid-late 30s before considering children.

My DH grew up in an evangelical Christian church, heavily influenced by American evangelicalism. He and his group of friends all got married in a 12 month period when they were 22/23. I was 25 and a bit old

None of them felt pressured, it was just normal and there was no stigma around getting married younger, no disappointed parents etc. I have seen posts on here where parents say they wouldn't want their children to marry in their early 20s.

It is working out well for us. We are in our early thirties now with a school age DC and are able to relax and enjoy life having done the tough preschool years of no sleep while still young.

I don't think there is anything wrong with getting married in early twenties. There is something lovely about building a life together from scratch. The important thing is there not being any pressure either way.

Oh, yes, that's a good point. Property is cheaper in many parts of the US, so a young couple can buy a house, or at least rent something with room for kids, much more easily.

I'm in the UK and my friends have generally married in their early 30s, with some in late 20s, even if they had been together since school or university. This is because in our circles it was normal to live with other people when you were younger, and establish careers and buy houses before marriage.

Because of where I went to university there were lots of super posh and also religious types - like PP have mentioned lots of them got married young. In this (albeit annecdotal) sample the religious ones wanted to have sex (/expected early marriage but I am guessing that must have been a major reason) and the super posh had sort of fixed their social circle amongst the other super posh when young and therefore weren't really going to meet anyone else (they never really made an effort at university to befriend anyone they didn't already know and all hung out as a big group from certain schools). They also weren't massively faithful.. quite of a few of these people are now divorced!

A lot of my friends got married early 20s.

Depends what you see the purpose of marriage as really too. I'm not sure its a good thing for women when in relationships unmarried for a long time, esepcially when kids come along. They have more rights if married so not sure the whole drifting into living together for a long time without being married is great

I went to college in SE US, yes a couple of women got married in college or soon after, there was a joke about some attending to get their 'MRS' but it really wasn't very common. All of my (southern) friends married later.

Getting married young provides a very short window for independence and experience before marriage. Like transitioning from your parental home to marital home not much in between, especially if you get married right out of college. The brain doesn't complete its development - the bits that concern consequences - till you are 25.

So if you marry at 25 you will have had 7 years of adulthood (counting from 18) to be adult, independent and make bad choices about who you date, and then potentially another 50 or 60 to be married. Just seems a bit depressing to me. But then I am divorced and have always been very independent.

@Toastfiendish

I'm in the UK and my friends have generally married in their early 30s, with some in late 20s, even if they had been together since school or university. This is because in our circles it was normal to live with other people when you were younger, and establish careers and buy houses before marriage.

Because of where I went to university there were lots of super posh and also religious types - like PP have mentioned lots of them got married young. In this (albeit annecdotal) sample the religious ones wanted to have sex (/expected early marriage but I am guessing that must have been a major reason) and the super posh had sort of fixed their social circle amongst the other super posh when young and therefore weren't really going to meet anyone else (they never really made an effort at university to befriend anyone they didn't already know and all hung out as a big group from certain schools). They also weren't massively faithful.. quite of a few of these people are now divorced!

This is so true about the super-posh! They do keep to their own at university

I'm not sure why you think this is such a shocking or terrible thing.

There are many possible factors here. What is the marriage rate in the places you are comparing. In the UK living together and having children is becoming far more the norm. Is that the same in these US states? Probably not. So, couple may be as young getting together in the UK, but they just don't get married.

More importantly, it is their choice I assume. No one is forcing them to marry. I would also be interested in divorce rates. Are they higher or lower than in the UK? I suspect lower. Now, I know this is not necessarily an indication of a happy marriage, and there may be a degree of pressure for people to stay married, but I am also assuming that in the US divorce is not especially difficult to obtain if wanted.

I see so many unhappy people in the UK. People who are still single but would love a partner in their 30s, people who have children but have not married and have been left in terrible financial messes because they have not had the legal protections they would have had as divorcees. I see couples with fertility issues, sometimes because they held off having a family. I'm not so sure the UK is a better model.