“You’re a feminist? So you hate men?”

[Lessthanaballpark]

Imagine that you’re just chatting with friends, someone pegs that you’re a feminist and says this? What would you say?

This happens a fair bit as I work with lots of men who are generally lovely but a bit on the backlashy side. The “I’m all for equality but it’s gone too far” side. You know the type I mean

How would you respond? Without killing the mood of the nice conversation. I usually just laugh and say “X, you’ve known me years and you know I love all of you losers”

But I get a bit fed up because it’s such a wilful misinterpretation and I want something witty but articulate...

Ah, I thought that misconception had been buried in the 80s!
Bless, where did you read that?

(What does the person do for a living - can you make an equally annoying assumption - "you're a psychology teacher? So you read minds? ")

"Of course I like men - but I couldn't eat a whole one".

Actually I'd say something like "of course i don't hate men but I find it appalling that of the two sexes, one kills the other at a rate of two a week. I hate the fact that that happens"

"Feminism isn't man hating. Feminism is the radical notion that women are human. What's not to love about that? Why aren't you supporting feminists?"

Honestly at this point I just go “Yup!”

Anyone who automatically assume ‘feminist = hates men’ is either not coming from a place of good faith or just too darn stupid to waste time arguing with.

Or just go for the inclusive version: why would I hate men when lots of men are female?

It’s not about putting men down. It’s about raising women to where men are already at.
Or
You could talk about all the ways feminism benefits men... if men didn’t feel it was so terrible to show their feminine side and talk about their feelings then male suicide rates may be reduced.
Men are treated as incompetent in child caring, family organisation etc. Actually you respect them enough to appreciate that’s not true..it’s the patriarchy talking

I'd say "Wow - apparently you don't have a clue what the word 'feminist' means. Maybe look it up in a dictionary?"

I'd just go "yes"

I can think of many reasons to hate men and be wary of them. We still manage to deal with them in most situations . I would ask why so many men hate women.

"No, just you."

I just wouldn't bother engaging. Smile and ignore, similar. There's no point rising to someone who is either this ignorant or trying to provoke.

Say " not true. Some arent completely awful. Not you though. Youre terrible obviously"

Yeah. Not good at lying so I just smile.

Look at the crimes against women by men vs the crimes against men by women. It's pretty clear which sex are the haters and which are the hatees.

I find this so odd. It seems to be a thing with some young women these days.

I listened to a pod casts where it was alleged that all feminists not only hated men but that they simultaneously were funded by the far religious right and were all for the break up of the traditional family and celebrate single motherhood.

It was like the speaker was taking what she disliked most about either side of the political spectrum, thrown in a bit of man hate into the mix and then came up with her ultimate bogeyman(woman). Which she subsequently proudly proclaimed that she wasn’t .

Luckily there was no way to comment. I felt my fingers itch although I didn’t even know where to start with that one.

I’m more alarmed by your claim that these colleagues are ‘lovely’ but ‘backlashy’. That’s not lovely, that’s misogyny. Ask them what elements of equality have ‘gone too far’? The ending of the marriage bar? The criminalisation of marital rape?

For me feminisim is about lifting women up, not putting men down.

"Not all of them, but I can make an exception for you "

Honestly the "equality has gone too far" types aren't worth the energy anyway.

It's a tricky one. A patronising response about them being dinosaurs? Unfortunately, then you're just getting involved in reciprocal name-calling.

A good answer though, to someone who says feminism has gone too far, is to ask what they mean. How so? In what way?

The response is often the beginning of an unwitting hole digging exercise. That requires little reaction, except an eyebrow raise.

I usually go for a blank astonished stare and a “I had no idea that anyone still thought that. Crikey”, then wander off shaking my head.

It’s just baiting, and I try not to go to every fight I’m invited to. Tell you what, though, I didn’t expect to get so much practice at ignoring goady eejits here on a feminist chat board! (Not you, OP 😉).

Are we speaking of individuals or as a sex class that skews power dynamics?

Of course it's always about men. It's nothing to do with asserting the human rights of women and children and working to free everyone from the malignity of patriarchy.

My serious answer would be, 'Come back when women are killing two men a week and we'll talk'.
But most of the time I can't be arsed engaging with them any more - one unexpected bonus of lockdown is that I haven't needed to.

And I messed up both quotations and emoticons in my post.

Mind - there are a good number of posters who who seem determined to purse bad faith whataboutery no matter how many times other posters answer them in good faith.

There is a point at which Bunbury's guide to handling community disruption is very useful.

Argh. That's a red, flashing 'crashing bore' sign. At which point I smile, nod, make the excuses regarding the urgent need to take my goldfish for a walk and go find someone more interesting to talk to.