Asexuality

[NettleTea]

So I know asexuality is a thing. Low sex drive diminishing to nowt. Or a low libido that often doesnt get airtime because the media would have it that its the normal state of affairs for everyone to be gagging for it 24/7

Or hand in hand with things like ASD

Or developes because you are in a sexually unfulfilling relationship and if you dont use it, etc.

It can come and go, or can be a constant

However Ive seen a fair bit of it being included now in teaching materials for schools, and I wondered if this was due to trying to normalise the absence of sexual feeling so that children who undergo hormone replacement and puberty blockers, and as a result have no developement of normal sexual feelings wont know that its not very unusual in teens/young 20s. Its only fairly recently that this loss/absence of sexual function/drive has been coming to light, and its only recently that teaching about asexuality has been included in the curriculum.

"Much as you may think asexual/demisexual are terribly precious as labels, they are so much better than "frigid" or "abnormal"."

No, they're not because the latter two are not permanent states. Asexual suggests a label that people were born with and will go through their whole lives with.
The problem with the word frigid is society's attitude towards it, not the word itself.

@NiceGerbil

Irene for me it's because the labels all have a starting point that randy fuck anything is normal.

It isn't.

The norm could be eg Demi sexual or fluid or something a bit more true for the population.

The fact that only wanting sex with someone you know fancy and trust has a special label is. Implies it's not normal or standard, you know? And I think that's not good.

Also I think plenty of young people are having sex before they really want it iyswim. Due to curiousity, pressure, everyone else is going it etc.

The idea that 16yo girls who are having sex are doing it because they really want it and are really frisky iyswim is not true. Loads are just doing it. And that's not right either.

Add in the effects of porn and the pill and really in how many het sex encounters are really wanting it and feeling the same about it as an older woman? So that's another corrosive idea.

It's all interlinked for me and I think the root causes of all of these pressures assumptions need working on.

A girl shouldn't have to say she's Xsexual to not have sex. She should be able to say no and he says ok fine. But it's the same isn't it. Nothing has changed. If anything it's got worse.

"The fact that only wanting sex with someone you know fancy and trust has a special label is."

That's not really what demisexual means. It actually means that you only feel sexual attraction when you have formed a really profound emotional connection - essential that you have no sexual attraction to anyone until you are in love with them.

There are lots of people who only have sex with people they have a bond with, but that doesn't mean that they never find a stranger sexy, and of course, it's not at all unusual for people to have sex with people they've only just met and barely know.

@Gwenhwyfar

"No, i mean modern kind of romance, when we have enough knowledge to know that romantic and sexual attractions are two seperate things."

I don't agree that they are. You may have a romantic attraction towards someone that you don't want to be sexual with, but it's still a sexual attraction to some extent.

Well, we're just gonna have to disagree with that one.

" It actually means that you only feel sexual attraction when you have formed a really profound emotional connection - essential that you have no sexual attraction to anyone until you are in love with them"

I did a very quick Google search and your definition is not what came up. I read 'close emotional bond' and 'strong emotional connection'. That's not as strong as falling in love with someone.
I would call that quite normal, rather than needing any kind of label (even if it doesn't fit everyone).

I do find demisexual useful as a label for myself, as I meet @Shizuku's definition above, which has meant in practice that I have been totally celibate for many years. But I agree that it is probably a bit woolly for any sort of official use.

(I'm still baffled by the hostility on this thread to people using labels for themselves that they and similar people find personally useful, as opposed to as a mechanism for demands and campaigns.)

"(I'm still baffled by the hostility on this thread to people using labels for themselves that they and similar people find personally useful"

It's more than that though. There are attempts to claim other people as asexual, even people going back centuries and it's being used in general culture now for anyone who doesn't fancy it.

Come on now.
Now you’re just making shit up.

How can people have a high sex drive and have lots of sex for fun/pleasure/intimacy but aren't sexually attracted to anyone? It's that bit I don't understand.

@YouShouldLeave

Come on now. Now you’re just making shit up.

Who is?

Irene it's not hostility it's concern. My posts on this thread explain my concerns and I'd be happy to discuss them.

You are gwen

@Miseryl

How can people have a high sex drive and have lots of sex for fun/pleasure/intimacy but aren't sexually attracted to anyone? It's that bit I don't understand.

Me too.

I would have thought that those two things were mutually incompatible.

I would have thought that those two things were mutually incompatible.

They are.

Having sex for fun, pleasure, intimacy without sexual attraction is often the impact of having poor boundaries/attachment issues as a result of childhood abuse.

Is it genuinely 'fun' or is fun the adjective attached to a scenario that doesn't have a clear alternative? Which is validating in a way but detached from any emotional connection? Pleasure - well yes, it makes a change from doing it yourself. Intimacy - it provides a facsimile of intimacy that someone who is living with the impact of trauma from childhood abuse doesn't feel able to attain in a true loving a mutually respectful relationship.

But rather than address any underlying causes, we'll give it a name and call it an identity.

The term assexual wasn't around when I was younger (or at least I wasn't aware of it 20 years ago) It would have made me feel less abnormal if it had been. I've never come across another assexual IRL. I don't believe it needs to be stated anywhere or that it's comparable to the discrimination LGB people can face but having a label would have made me feel more normal. I spent most of my twenties desperately trying to make myself 'like' sex because I wanted children. For me, it's not the same as celibate as I desperately wanted to enjoy that closeness with someone but couldn't and as a result all of my relationships have failed. I have a child now and it's unlikely I'll ever have sex with anyone again as there's no need. No one questions my constant single status anymore as it seems to be more acceptable to be single if you've reproduced. I definitely feel much happier with my life since having my child than I have at any other point.

I sometimes think I might be asexual. For me that is not having sexual attraction to someone. But I am only late 20s and open to changing my mind so I’m hesitant to label things or publicly tell people.

I can see why people would want to say it to people at work, but to be honest the kind of people who can’t get their heads around you not having a boyfriend aren’t exactly going to say “ok fine” and drop it if you say you’re asexual so I think it would be self-defeating.

@AsexualHealing

I sometimes think I might be asexual. For me that is not having sexual attraction to someone. But I am only late 20s and open to changing my mind so I’m hesitant to label things or publicly tell people.

I can see why people would want to say it to people at work, but to be honest the kind of people who can’t get their heads around you not having a boyfriend aren’t exactly going to say “ok fine” and drop it if you say you’re asexual so I think it would be self-defeating.

Quite. Then you're just going to get told that you haven't met the right man yet or perhaps you ought to just give it a go - you might enjoy it.

"For me that is not having sexual attraction to someone. But I am only late 20s and open to changing my mind so I’m hesitant to label things or publicly tell people."

Good plan. Just because you're not attracted to anyone around you now (how many people are you in contact with in lockdown anyway?) doesn't mean you won't ever be.

"Then you're just going to get told that you haven't met the right man yet "

Well, maybe she hasn't!

@YouShouldLeave

You are gwen

What am I making up? The fact that people are being 'claimed' as asexual by others? I've definitely seen that happen. The fact that they even take people from the past, from very different times and claim they were asexual? Yes, seen that too.

For me being asexuality I don't want sex ever and I'm not attracted to men or women.
I've been married twice and had sex with them but I wasn't really interested. I just did it because they were my long term partners but both marriages ended because eventually I decided I no longer wanted to have sex with them.
I don't masturbate.
Thats just me though, there are all sorts of asexuals.