I wish we’d had a boy

[AliasGrape]

Of course I wouldn’t swap my perfect baby girl for the world and I don’t mean it but I said this to my husband tonight after seeing the breaking news about the missing woman (active case don’t want to name names).

I just look at her and think of all the fucking bullshit she’s going to have to deal with, all the predatory men and rape culture ans the victim blaming and 2 women murdered a week and the insane pressures to look a certain way and the pornification of everything not to mention the gender wokery and erosion of sex based rights and protections.

How do you raise daughters in this world? I’m honestly asking. I feel so sad and angry tonight.

I don’t know what to say but know exactly what you mean. I have two DDs and worry about them so much and also get so angry that in 2021 we are still in this situation.

also get so angry that in 2021 we are still in this situation

I know, I want to believe in the idea of a better world for her but then I think we’re not very much further on than when I was growing up, worse in a lot of ways.

I think the same I have 2DDs, one of which has high functioning autism so is more niave than the other I so worried for her.

I have a daughter and a son. I have the same fears for my daughter. I am also afraid that my sweet, beautiful, kind little boy will grow to be one of those dangerous predatory men. All we can do is do our best to equip our children of both sexes with the tools they need to be resilient in the face of toxic masculinity, and hope.

@MyFloorIsLava

I have a daughter and a son. I have the same fears for my daughter. I am also afraid that my sweet, beautiful, kind little boy will grow to be one of those dangerous predatory men. All we can do is do our best to equip our children of both sexes with the tools they need to be resilient in the face of toxic masculinity, and hope.

My husband said this - that we’d have fears if we’d had a boy too, some the same some different and that all we can do is do our best to equip them to face what comes their way.

I genuinely entertain fantasies most days of just picking her up and running to some far flung wilderness to raise her in an off grid cabin in the woods. (I cannot stress enough how not cut out for the kind of life we are and how certain it is that we would be eaten by bears by week 2 at the latest)

I'm delighted to have 3 boys if I'm honest. Women are so much nicer, I don't fear for their future happiness with partners etc as I would do if I had daughters. Also with the erasure of female only spaces services and sports, again this won't affect my boys. Doesn't mean I will stop fighting for women's rights of course. But I agree with JKRowling when she said she thought it was going to be a great equal society for women, but she feels things have got worse. Its horrible. The easy access to all sorts of vile degrading porn plays a big part i feel.

I have two daughters (11 and 13). I do worry for their future. I do feel they have it harder than I did in the 80s. All I can do is educate them. I taught them boundaries from a very young age. They were never forced to cuddle or kiss granny. We have talked about porn, rape, abuse. We use the correct names for body parts. They know they are vulnerable because of their sex but we discuss ways to stay safe. I may have scared them a little bit too much when young, but they got the message. The Brownies motto or pledge was the worst. It basically tells girls to put others first so that was a good discussion point. Open, honest short conversations that encourage critical thinking!
It does seem bleak but surely things have got to change soon?

I have both sons and daughters and honestly I weep for my girls. I wish I could raise my children equally, but the truth is that I have to raise my sons to never become attackers and my daughters never to be attacked. I'm more confident of my ability to raise my sons. I can teach them to respect, to care and to treat people properly. I have no idea how to raise my daughters, because how can you ever prepare someone for an attack that could come at any time, from anywhere...?

I know what you mean, OP.

I can't protect my daughter from the world. It's a horrible feeling.

I completely empathise OP. I have 2 DDs and all this utterly abhorrent bullshit makes me feel physically sick. On the pornification/pressures of social media etc etc, I do at least have a small hope that we’re reaching some kind of nadir (I don’t honestly see how things could get much worse) and maybe things will start getting better. But in terms of women’s safety, predatory men, risk of violence - I can’t even think about it, it makes me so worried.

She could have been absolutely any of my friends, or me, for several circumstantial reasons beyond just being a woman too, which makes it feel even closer to home and scarier too. I can’t even imagine what her family must be going through.

Having worries about your children when they are babies / toddlers is perfectly acceptable.
However, the people saying they are bringing their sons up not to be attackers. Really ? Do you honestly think there are parents out there that are hoping their offspring will turn out to be serial killers ? Mumsnet can be a strange place at times.

I said to my husband earlier this evening that I’ve never been so happy that I have three sons.
With the tragedy of Sarah Everard and all the blows to women’s rights recently it feels like such a dark time for women.
I don’t need to fear for their future safety walking home alone and I don’t need to worry that their achievements are going to be undermined by someone of the opposite sex identifying into their spheres. A man is now on the Women’s Prize for Fiction long list. Men compete in female sports categories. Women are fighting to stop being locked up with male rapists. Women’s refuges are being closed for not being inclusive.
Today I genuinely despair, and all I can do is try and raise my sons to be respectful and supportive of women and to understand that sex exists. They already know that only women have periods and that they came from my womb. They know that girls can like football and that boys can like pink and it doesn’t ‘mean’ anything. (They’re 8, 4 and 2- ok maybe the 2 year old doesn’t get those things yet!).

I genuinely entertain fantasies most days of just picking her up and running to some far flung wilderness to raise her in an off grid cabin in the woods.

Me too.

I am terrified for my baby daughter.

I have even considered moving into the strictly orthodox side of my religion. Gender roles are very strict, and women are expected to do the domestic labour and have children, but they are also heavily protected from the outside world.

I can't believe I'm having such thoughts but there we are.

I have three sons in their 20s, no daughters. It's been my life's work as a mother and a feminist to bring them up to be respectful towards women and to understand how difficult the world can be for women and girls.

I'll be honest. I never experienced that fear. I know lots of women do and for good reason, but I did gallivant around London, late at night and sometimes on my own, during my teens and 20s and was never afraid of men. But having listened to other women I know I have been very, very lucky to have pretty much nothing upsetting happen to me.

I'm not actually afraid for my daughter, I will tell her to be careful and use common sense but I actually don't want her to be afraid and don't think she has to be, scary as the world can be. Obviously what's happened today is devastating and upsetting though.

@Sunnyday321 obviously I don't think people actively encourage their sons to be serial killers, but yes I do think that a lot of parents could do a lot more to raise their sons better. Stopping the "boys will be boys" bull for a start. Talking to them about porn culture vs what's real. Pointing out examples of everyday sexism and saying "that's not ok".

If boys are excused from toddlerhood onwards, and not actively raised well, then yes, I think there's a high chance of them absorbing the toxic masculinity that in so entrenched in society. So it's not a case of raising them to be serial killers, it's a case of actively showing them that the current norm is not ok. And I think to many people ignore it and hope for the best, or assume that would never be their son. If they're not getting their morals from home when they're children, they'll be picking them up from the world around them, and looking at the world right now, I'd rather my kids were being taught by me.

I know what you mean OP. I am pregnant with a girl and feel the same. I thought a boy would be so much ‘easier’. But with a boy I think I’d just have different concerns. Men statistically have worse mental health issues, SEN, & need to be (very) well educated on how to treat women. Things do improve with time. Things have improved for women over time and they will continue to do so.

In the UK ~70% if murder victims are men. Yes I know the perpetrators are almost all men too, but it's not like you can assume men are always safer than women.

I don’t need to fear for their future safety walking home alone - you probably should, men are very likely to be the victims of violent crime (carried out by other men, obviously).

I feel the same OP. Sarah Everard's death has just devastated me. I've cried about it today. What hope do we have when attackers are dressed as policemen.

It's unthinkable to me that my lust or whatever drove that man would ever outweigh my instinct to protect others. I really despise predatory men.

I just wish I hadn't had my DD to be honest. I can't keep her safe.

I have one of each and worry about both in different ways. It’s so hard to divert boys away from porn culture and aggression. I also secretly hope my daughter is a lesbian, it cuts out so much risk.

@Sunnyday321

Having worries about your children when they are babies / toddlers is perfectly acceptable. However, the people saying they are bringing their sons up not to be attackers. Really ? Do you honestly think there are parents out there that are hoping their offspring will turn out to be serial killers ? Mumsnet can be a strange place at times.

Clearly many, many, many people could be doing a hell of a better job in raising their sons.

I’m amazed this needs spelling out. We see it all around us, every day.

The responsibility lies with parents raising good men.

It's horrific what has happened In these recent stories.

However, in the broader picture, males of all ages have higher mortality rates, have far shorter lifespans...they are more likely to die at each phase of life than females, and more frequently of accidents, suicides and violent deaths.

Of course that does not excuse the sex based violence that exists.

My anxiety is through the roof every time I think of this. What a nasty world we live in! It’s 2021 and we all still have to worry for the safety of women .

As a mother of a 2.5 year old firecracker of a girl, I feel the same. My heart feels heavy tonight when I think of what I can do to keep her safe always.