Calling all “older mums”

[Tuesday2021]

I have no children and have been questioned by all the family for when “il settle down and have kids”. I’m worried I’m leaving it late so want to ask “older mums” (you are not older - I hate to use that term but need to for the purpose of this thread) how do I rationalise putting work first? Or me first? Iv used the whole “I want to have enough money to support my kid” but nobody listens. Advice please.

Ancient mum here. People’s thinking changes and develops over time but right now do you feel you want to be a parent?

There was a thread I was on it called something like if you was pregnant at 43?, I can’t find it to link to. So many replies from women in their 40’s having babies some it was their 1st. Lots of different reasons why

Older mum depends on your definition 20-40? All I can suggest is you get your hormones tested to see what state your ovaries are in and if you are still ovulating. I’ve forgotten the test names but they can indicate how many eggs are left in the basket so to speak to develop properly for ovulation- that will indicate —assuming all other functions are in order- roughly how much time your body has left before you’ve fired all of your eggs & you hit menopause.

How old are you?
Are you in a relationship or married?
Do you earn a decent wage now?
Own home?

You would have more traffic if you had posted on another board.

Please don’t send hate as I just want opinion but I’m 28 and watching all my friends and family get married and be engaged and have like 4 kids already. I’m not concerned about actually conceiving because I am still within age but my post was aimed at asking what I do when everyone around me is doing what 28YO do (have children) and I’m more focused on me. I wanted advice from “older mums” (again I want to say I HATE that phrase but what I mean is older than what the normal is considered these days) and find out how women in their 40s with kids feel about having kids later than all the 20YO I know

You don't have to explain yourself to anybody OP, if the truth is that you don't feel ready, can you not just say that?

I'm unclear from your opening post whether you actually want children. If you don't, you need either to simply tell your family outright "I don't want children, now shut the fuck up" or come up with a series of deflection techniques if you think the blunt approach would cause a family rift you don't want.

If you do want kids 28 is young. Most of my friends had kids in their 30s, I had mine in my 40s.

Finally, did you mean to post in feminism? You might get a broader audience in chat, or in one of the parenting boards. MN will move the thread for you if you ask.

I do want children but it’s just not right just now and I think I’m the only one in my circle who thinks like this. I wanted to know how parenting is in (eg) 40s? I only posted in feminism because I felt this this was a query based on my gender... guys dont need to worry about when to have kids for career disadvantages but we’re going to suffer so thought I’d post to see what’s everyone’s experience

That question you will not get same two replies, as lot depends on health circumstances and other factors. Some found having babies harder / easier than in 20’s.

There is no right or best age to have kids.

It all depends on your circle. Having a baby at 28 would be quite young in mine. It’s barely time to have finished graduate work and begun a career. You certainly don’t have to wait until you are 40 either, but there is nothing wrong with building a good, strong cv and a good, strong savings account before you have a child.

Most women I know have children in their mid to late 30s. Old enough to be established, but before that feeling of middle age really starts to settle in. Of course, I’ve got one friend who just had her second at 45 so there are exceptions.

I didn’t realise this posted in feminism as it was in active.

I’m going to go back to other topics to see what women talking about & leave pregnant stuff to feminist

I hated the thought of being tied down with kids at your age. Didn't matter what my peers were doing.
It was split between those who had kids in late teens early twenties and those who'd prefer to wait until their thirties.

I bloody loved 28. Worked hard played harder. You have plenty of time. Ignore the daft questions from family.

I'm in my 40's with a toddler. No way was I ready to parent emotionally back then.

Squeaky hinge - I posted in feminism as I don’t see men having to worry about putting career first and wanted opinions of women who have followed their career over the norm of “have a baby ASAP” sorry

Was that a name change fail?

The very best age to have children is when you're ready. It can turn out fine if it happens and you're not ready, but best is when you want.

Your friends with 4 kids by the age of 28 may or may not be happy but almost certainly don't have a career they want to (or can just yet) prioritise. You seem to have which is also totally fine.

It's your life and your body. Anybody who passes comment on you not having kids/"settling down" is rude and don't deserve a response.

At 28 I didn't even want children. People asked and scared me. I look back and think of how much I did care therefore didn't get bothered by their opinions and am surprised. I started entertaining thoughts of children at 37, started trying at 39 had my first at 41, second just 43. Am exhausted and have discussed with partner how kids at 35 might have been less exhausting (but still exhausting) and more financially prudent. But then I think of the amazing places I've been to due to work since I turned 35. Over 20 countries. Not possible with kids. Of the lessons I've learnt that I think mean I look at life differently. Of the great partner I met at 28 and got to know well over 10 years plus before kids! So whatever path you take there will be pros and cons. Embrace it all!

I just told everyone I didn't want them, until I got pregnant bwahahaha. I was late 30s and it worked for me.

And I think it's interesting that you are so bothered about using the phrase 'older mum'. There's nothing wrong or shameful with being older in Feminism! I wonder if you generally really struggle with people getting offended or disliking things you say.

Honestly life gets easier when you just embrace it. "Why aren't you getting pregnant?" "None of your beeswax nosy" or "mind your own" or just "reasons" with an icy glare. It's very liberating! You don't to justify yourself. To us for saying older mums or to them for your choices.

Along with all the other comments, this is what I hoped to hear. Thankyou gingerscallop. Thank you!

I didn't have kids until I was 33...I had loads of fun before then and wasn't even partnered up until 33 (baby and husband happened at same time). Then, one more before 40 and I felt fulfilled.

Just one thing to note...baby at 33 was physically easier than baby at 38.

Another great thing about getting older, peer influence and comparing oneself to timelines of friends is far less important. Biggest advice I can give you - is don't worry what your friends and family are doing - this is YOUR life.

Puberty and menopause in the same small flat is not a good combination though..

I think perhaps your friends and family are worrying about your fertility. I’m sure you’re aware that it declines with age. And yes to whoever said that the physical act of being pregnant is so much easier under the age of 35.

I think the biggest issues you will find to impeding your career and being a mother is a) what sort of father your partner is willing to be b) how willing you will be when baby arrives to give up primary carer roles. More women (and men) need to have these conversations before marriage and before they are trapped into depressing and possibly abusive lives.

You cannot have it all unless you have a supportive partner or some serious support from grandparents.

I have learnt a lot from studying successful men. They have supportive partners who want to be primary carers and the men themselves never get the call from school or take p/t roles. They have no parental guilt for choosing to pursue a career for the mutual benefit of their families.

It’s not always easy to share the primary parenting role with your partner, nor is it wrong to change your mind on that score, but if you end up partnering with a man who expects you to default as primary carer and be the one to take all the parental leave, then your career is much likely to suffer.

My DH and I shared parental leave with our first, then for my second I changed my mind, I just wanted to be home with them. My employer had pigeonholed me and were very clearly managing me out of the workplace. I became a sahm in my late 30s and had my last child. When going back to work I never mentioned my children and my DH became the default go to person for childcare and school. We are prioritising my career now and he is happy to do that.

So look at your partner, If you are both the ‘alpha’ type one of you is going to be disappointed. You by essence of biology will be more likely to be pushed into primary carer role because of the nature of infants and being pregnant and recovering from birth. You will be at your most vulnerable, and you will soon see how vulnerable in society new mothers are.

My DH is thankfully not an alpha career type and I joke but it’s true, is more housewife than I right now. I have absolutely no mum guilt for pursuing a career again. I am like I was at 29, I am upset I lost a decade to the patriarchy but the consolation price was my children (not all bad).

You're right OP. It's rare to see a man criticised for wanting to establish a career before having children but it is still depressingly common for women to be seen as selfish or "bad" in some way for doing the same. Admittedly the biological issues are a bit different, but many of the objections that people raise to having children at a later point in life are equally applicable to men, but you don't tend to see the same criticism levelled at men.
Personally, I didn't even start to want children til I was 30, and I still had professional exams to do at that age. As soon as they were done we started trying and I was lucky enough to get pregnant right away, so I had my first at 31, then two more, the youngest being born when I was 39.
Relatively unusual for the time, my Mum also had her children late. She was 42 when I was born. So I didn't see it as particularly unusual and certainly never viewed it as a negative thing. My parents were keen that I got my career sorted and never put any pressure on me to have children, but I think my MIL expected me to come back from honeymoon pregnant. She made it very clear that she disapproved of my career but I never attempted to justify myself to her. As far as I see it, only 2 people had a right to express an opinion on if/when we had children and that was me and DH. I refused to legitimise anyone's attempts to interfere by discussing it with them. I'd never heard the term "grey rock" at the time, but that's effectively how I handled it. And I got very skilful about changing the topic of conversations.
There are pros and cons to having children at any age. What matters is that you and your partner pick what you feel is best for you. You don't have to justify that to anyone. For me, in very broad terms, the downsides are not having quite as much energy as when younger - I certainly found sleepless nights harder to cope with at nearly 40 compared to just over 30 - and the fact that if any of my children have children of their own I'm going to be a pretty old grandma. It does make me a bit sad that only my eldest really has any memories of my late parents when they were still healthy and active. But on the plus side, I had passed all my exams and was in a senior position by the time I had children. That brought financial security and made home vs work balance easier for me as I had more control over my working day than I did when I was climbing the ladder in junior positions. I was still working longish hours but less than when I was younger and I wasn't then coming home and trying to study for hours every evening too. But the biggest thing is that we had our children when we were both ready and very much wanted them. It's not always been easy, but overall we've done ok and we are a happy family. I suspect that if we had given in to the pressure to have babies sooner things wouldn't have been so good.

Hi @Tuesday2021 my youngest I had in my early 40s and struggled way more health wise during and after than my other 2, although I was way more relaxed looking after him than I was with the others. I regret now not doing a lot with him compared to my older children because I am more tired, i also regret having a large age difference and being asked by his teacher if I was his Nana!

The biggest issues I’ve found having had a child at 40 is that the grandparents on each side were fairly elderly and have not been able to help with childcare which meant no evening or night off when a break was needed and also I am now perimenopausal which is very, very tiring and often makes me really grumpy.

But i was too irresponsible in my 20s and 30s and didn’t meet my ex until I was mid 30s so children weren’t an option until then.

I had mine at 37 and 39 so definitely comfortably in the category of older mum. This age was the norm for my friendship group and family, mostly professional women. I echo what a pp said and recommend choosing your partner wisely.
My dd is only 10 and gorgeously sweet and enquiring, so she asks me what age is the best age to have children (she's sincere, and I love that she trusts my opinion so much and I'm painfully aware this won't last much longer)
I tell her to see the world and live life to the fullest first. I also tell her motherhood is not for everyone so she might decide later she doesn't want kids.
I was embarking on a second degree at 28, but I was in many ways very immature and didn't particularly want to settle down. It took nearly another 10 years for me to even consider starting a family.