Calling all “older mums”

[Tuesday2021]

I have no children and have been questioned by all the family for when “il settle down and have kids”. I’m worried I’m leaving it late so want to ask “older mums” (you are not older - I hate to use that term but need to for the purpose of this thread) how do I rationalise putting work first? Or me first? Iv used the whole “I want to have enough money to support my kid” but nobody listens. Advice please.

Tell them to eff off its none of their business. I can't bear the way people think reproductive choices are public property. Find a phrase you can repeat like a broken record when someone asks you like 'not yet' then say nothing more. Nada. Embrace the awkward pause and let them fill it. It's not your problem. You don't owe anyone an explanation of your choices.

(I was 34 when I had dd and many of my friends has their first later than me. I was a complete nutcase at 28, no way was I ready to have a child).

Older mum here (why do you dislike the word 'older'? But anyway). Becoming a parent in my 40s was wonderful. Blew me away. I didn't have children before then because I wasn't interested. I recommend a simple 'I don't want to' if people are rude enough to ask.

But there are downsides. I have one child because it was too late for a second. That makes me sad and I worry for him having no siblings if we become infirm and when we die.

Plus I was very lucky and got pregnant at the first serious attempt. Many women are not so fortunate.

Had baby 1 in mid 20s and baby 2 in mid 30s. Each was different in many ways, some good, some not so good. If I could turn back time, I’d do exactly the same thing though. All I will say is, you don't have children to keep up with your peers or to please your family.

Had DD at 37, now pregnant with DC2 at 41. I had a good time in my 20s and early 30s, moving to different countries, doing an MBA, building a career, exploring things. Met DH at 30, got married at 35. I still think it was absolutely the right path for me. I'm now financially stable, have career options that allow me to ramp up and down workwise without compromising on seniority, and i don't feel like I missed out on anything. I'd probably be less tired if i was 10 years younger and 7 months pregnant, but hey ho.

You do what feels right- if anyone tells you you're doing it wrong just tell them you know what you're doing, thank you very much.

27-30 was the best time of my life, it would have been way too young for me. There was a 50/50 split in my NCT group of around 28-30 and 37-40. There was all kinds of miscarriage stories, IVF and good and bad pregnancies.

You sound like you are fine as you are, you are under pressure and you see others starting families in your friendship group so feel you should be doing the same. Screw that, screw all of that.

I disagree that men don't have any pressure, though it's less and biological they can father children until they stop having sex but no man wants to be Bernie Ecclestone and my man didn't want to be an 'older dad'!

My wise friend in HR says that if you take mat leave in your 20s you never achieve a higher salary as you would as if you take the mat leave in your 30s. The career break basically halts the progress you're making. Though not true for everyone of course that has proven true in the mothers I know.

So if your friends and family are putting pressure on you be safe in the knowledge that you will probably be earning more money and can afford to take a break or accord the childcare more easily in your 30s than your 20s.

I was 36 and 39 and guess I'm lucky but can't say I find it any more tiring or taxing than would have done if it happened ten years earlier. Managed to drop a day at work and at a bit of a career dead end presently, but happy enough for the family time right now.

28 would have been incredibly young in my circles. I have one friend who had a baby at 28 and now (that baby is now at university) she says she doesn’t know what the rush was. Most of us had our children, if we had children at all, at 35+. When I wad my son, a few months before turning 40, three other women in my NCT group of 8 were older.

Had mine at 38. I had established my career, earned great money which left me in a great position when I left the idiot partner when DD was 1.

I could afford a live in nanny as a single mum so I could continue my career and buy another house etc

There are pros and cons but there are two things I would say.

Wait until you are ready
Always be financially independent

You're absolutely right this is a feminist issue, OP; you get asked this and men don't because of your sex. I've no idea why you got a few pissy responses - probably the time you posted, the small hours pick up people who are bored rather than really wanting to be helpful I suppose. Well, you don't need to explain yourself or apologise to them and you don't need to do that with people who ask intrusive questions about your plans re parenthood either.

I'm definitely an 'older mum', I'm 60 now . I was completely unbothered about having kids, I had a job I loved (ditto husband and dog), and oddly enough no one ever asked me about it. I suppose I was lucky enough (it should be the norm, not luck) to be respected and valued for reasons other than my breeding potential.
It wasn't till we were 35 and I'd ended up working from home rather than a long commute that DH raised it. Then it emerged I have PCOS - so it took a little while and I had DD at 38. I acquired some 'mum friends' of similar age via the NCT so all good. We had enough money for a nanny, and then later I was able to drop to part time - this probably wouldn't have been the case if I wasn't established in my role. I really did get the best of both worlds... I've still got the job I love and DD, is a wonderful young woman.

The only way potential parenthood has ever come up with her was she and DH making a spreadsheet for how much student loan repayments would cost, with variations according to whether she had career breaks/part time - or not. What she does with her life is her business.

In hindsight, if I'd known I might want kids I might have been more alert to the possibility of fertility problems. But other than that - if anyone had asked me about when I was going to start a family they'd have got a hard stare and 'when, and if, I'm good and ready'. If they persist then maybe challenge them as to whether they'd harass a man with intrusive questions.

It's no ones business except yours and your other half.

I had mine at 33 and 35, OP. As a junior hospital doctor, in the days when we worked over 100 hours a week, while also trying to study for postgrad specialist qualifications, there was no way I could have had DC and kept working.
Plus I was far too young to consider motherhood - I was too busy enjoying my limited free time with DH and didn’t feel in the least maternal until I passed 30.

Actually, for my circle, 28 would have been considered old! I remember announcing at school that I didn't intend to start a family until I was 26 - there was a collective Butterworth gasp from my classmates
They all started families in their late teens and early 20s and are all grandparents now.
In the event, I had miscarriage problems and my first was born in my early 30s; my second in my 40s.
Menopause and other age-related health issues have made things difficult, but not impossible.

I'm in two minds about the career establishment first. It's what I diid, and what we're advised to do. However, I saw that the women who'd had their children first were now able to focus on their careers with far less interruption for childcare now theirs were older and more independent.
My career was wrecked: I was managed out when I had my first baby and that's still a problem for so many women, hence Pregnant Then Screwed. So I'd say you need to be sure of your employer as well as your partner.

Wasn't being pissy, Errol - just wasn't clear to me from OP that it was being framed as a specifically feminist issue (incidentally I think you'd get pretty similar responses anywhere on the site, because I think all women trying to juggle paid employment with the decision of when and whether to have children face similar issues, whether or not they'd describe themselves as feminists).

Which I guess is a way of saying all women need feminism because all women are hit by the patriarchy, whether or not they think of themselves as feminists.

I'm in two minds about the career establishment first. It's what I diid, and what we're advised to do. However, I saw that the women who'd had their children first were now able to focus on their careers with far less interruption for childcare now theirs were older and more independent

I agree - I'd say the safest times to have children are early before you start your career, then train once they're school age, or late once you're relatively senior (though that's taking a huge gamble on your fertility - I was lucky).

No one has the right to question you on whether or it you want to have children, I would focus on being assertive and shutting those sort of conversations down.

But to answer your exact question, I had a baby at 42, I personally would not have wanted to have a child in my 20s or 30s. If I hadn't had a child at all it would not behave been a major disappointment in my life. I much preferred being an 'older' parent, I was financially (& emotionally) secure, I didn't need to juggle career, money and childcare ... it was the right decision for me, but may not be for others.

And no one ever asked me 'did I want children?', 'why did I leave it late?' Or 'why did you only have one child.'. Maybe I am lucky in that people I know are respectful and don't ask personal questions, but equally I am fully confident and happy with my decisions so may I just gave the impression of being self assured in my lifestyle choices.

I wish I'd done it a bit younger, to be really honest. I'm knackered, and had I started younger, I would have likely had another child. I find I am less and less able to handle things like sleep deprivation as I get older. Also, looking ahead the children will likely not have grandparents for as long as might have been possible, had I been a bit younger.

However, circumstances weren't right. It was definitely worth waiting until I was with the right partner. So - I had mine mid-30s. School playground is an interesting leveller, there are parents/carers of all ages there, from late teens to mid 40s. All ages will have their plusses and minuses, I suppose., and everyone's circumstances are different. We can't get round the bodily realities of having children, though, which are that fertility doesn't last forever and we all get older.

a collective Butterworth gasp -

*The very best age to have children is when you're ready. It can turn out fine if it happens and you're not ready, but best is when you want.
*
Pretty much this.

Mine was 34, 37, and (will be) just turned 40. Wouldn't have wanted to do it earlier, and not just for career reasons - though you're going to take a career hit whenever you have kids, so there's a question of when that hit will be least hard - for me that's definitely now, as I'm senior enough to have a financial cushion, and flexibility in how I work (as I'm more valuable to my company now than when I was 28).

But there were also relationship reasons: I was with my DH from 25, but we wanted to enjoy loads of time with each other before adding children into the mix and I don't regret that for a second.

And there were life experience reasons - for me 25-34 were (very fortunately) years of having just enough disposal income to do fun and interesting things (travel, a masters, renovate a flat, learn new skills) before being constrained by children (because young children do constrain you, even though I'm general happy to be constrained cause they're great).

Basically my children are amazing and my life is richer for having them, but it is also richer for having all the things I had before them. Some people will be ready at 28, some at 38. Don't let other people rush you (and don't get overly hung up on fertility: obviously it declines with age, but 35 is not a cliff edge - look up the more recent stats, it's something like a 27 year has a 92ish% chance of getting pregnant within a year of trying, and a 38year old about an 86% chance in same period. It's not rare to have children in your late 30s!)

I had one at 30 and one at 42.

The one at 42 is now 14. If l had my time again I’d never have one as late.

With the one at 30, l was kind of youngish with him. Still in touch with stuff he liked. Financially it was OK.

42, although l keep young and try to keep up to date, I’m miles out. But the biggest hit has been health wise. As l got older l had a very active job. I had lots of pain issues to mange. Same job as with the one at 30. Mental health went down after menopause, and I’m knackered all the time in a way l never was when younger. Both Dh and l want to retire or drop days as working is harder when you get older. But we can’t afford to.

My honest advice is have them as young as you can. Whilst you are young, resilient and supple!

During my 30s, I wanted children as all my friends were having them. Then I moved past that as I wasn't in a stable relationship, I then met my DH at 40, I knew instantly he was 'the one', I knew at that point I was happy to have children with him and give up my career. But, obviously that is my story and I can't speak for anyone else.

I had mine at 33 and 36. I didn'tmeet my dh until I was 29. Among friends of pretty much exactly my own age (my year at university), I was one of the first to have my first baby. 28 seems pretty young to me!

@Tuesday2021

Please don’t send hate as I just want opinion but I’m 28 and watching all my friends and family get married and be engaged and have like 4 kids already. I’m not concerned about actually conceiving because I am still within age but my post was aimed at asking what I do when everyone around me is doing what 28YO do (have children) and I’m more focused on me. I wanted advice from “older mums” (again I want to say I HATE that phrase but what I mean is older than what the normal is considered these days) and find out how women in their 40s with kids feel about having kids later than all the 20YO I know

I don’t think you have to justify yourself to anyone. If they ask, you can just say something vague like the time isn’t right or whatever. It’’s your life.

However, as someone who has previously suffered with infertility, I would say that you should know that fertility declines after the age of 30. Look up the stats and don’t assume you can have children whenever you want. You do need to get the information and make some kind of plan. Assume nothing.

The ‘right time’ will never arrive. Don’t be deceived by that and don’t leave it too late if you do want children. No job, no mortgage is worth risking the chance of not having children (to me, at least). Personally I don’t understand people who say they want to ‘live their life first’ before having children. Life doesn’t stop when you have them and having them reasonably young mean you’re still young when get to adulthood, quite apart from the fact you can enjoy ‘living life’ with them. That’s fun in its on right.

Consider all views along with the evidence. Play devil’s advocate with yourself and that will help you prioritise what you want in life. Imagine all the scenarios and how you’d feel in each.

The most important thing is to only have children if you want to, not because you think you should. That applies whatever your age.

@Tuesday2021

I do want children but it’s just not right just now and I think I’m the only one in my circle who thinks like this. I wanted to know how parenting is in (eg) 40s? I only posted in feminism because I felt this this was a query based on my gender... guys dont need to worry about when to have kids for career disadvantages but we’re going to suffer so thought I’d post to see what’s everyone’s experience

I suppose things to consider if purposely choosing to leave ttc to closer to 40,is that you could find that you are unsuccessful and it doesn't happen...

That aside.
I'm an older mother. Love it. Financially more secure.
Love being able to give all and not feel its a burden or that I'm unwitting to give so much.
No competing interests between social life, work versus child at this stage as I'd rather be child and family centric. I've done so much already, that not travelling every month isn't a loss as I'm gaining so much more.
However, I won't lie, I'm saddened that health issues have crept up on me. It is definitely harder getting up off the floor and doing some of the more physical activities. We still do lots, but incomparable to my ability 20 years beforehand. And that is sad for me and my child, that it isn't quite as I'd like. However, I'd never not have had my child. And am so glad that I was fortunate enough to get pregnant at all, as was told I was infertile before your age@Tuesday2021. But I think that even 5 years earlier, would have been better for my physical health, but not for our financial security...

I'd agree, this is a feminist issue and something that men rarely get asked!
I was mid 30's before I felt ready, physically I took a while to fall pregnant and had a couple of miscarriages, so it did begin to feel as if time was against me. There's also a bit less wiggle room if you want more than one child.
But as an older mum you do have more time to secure your career and have a decent job to go back to, if that's what you want to do.

There is so much great advice in this thread OP.

I think that the only right time to have kids is when it's right for you. Of my daughters (I have 3 in their early twenties) only 1 is confident that she wants kids. The others are not keen at the moment. Who knows what the future brings - we are allowed to change our minds as many times as suits. Your body, your choice.

I would second the post regarding the importance of you and DP being on the same page. Your aspirations might not get counted if you're not communicating.

What to say to the wider world? Being really direct isn't comfortable for me so my suggestion is "thats a big personal and ethical question and a bit deep for right now. Would you like a drink?". If they don't take the hint first time, they soon will.

BW