Calling all “older mums”

[Tuesday2021]

I have no children and have been questioned by all the family for when “il settle down and have kids”. I’m worried I’m leaving it late so want to ask “older mums” (you are not older - I hate to use that term but need to for the purpose of this thread) how do I rationalise putting work first? Or me first? Iv used the whole “I want to have enough money to support my kid” but nobody listens. Advice please.

Wasn't being pissy, Errol

I know, I didn't mean you, Cara.

My friends started having babies in their early thirties.

Most women at work had babies in their mid 30s - early 40s. 28 is very young in my circle.

@SqeakyHindge

That question you will not get same two replies, as lot depends on health circumstances and other factors. Some found having babies harder / easier than in 20’s.

There is no right or best age to have kids.

I agree there is no 'right' ages as such. However, women have to bear in mind that we have a relatively short reproductive span.

It becomes more difficult to have children as you get older. At a certain point, it becomes impossible.

I agree it depends on your circle of friends, I had my daughter when I was 29, I was a single parent however had a good income my daughter attended private school, I was frequently mistaken for the nanny, I was the youngest mum by around 6 years and one of my closest school mum friends was 48 when she had her daughter, our children were good friends, same age.

The baby group I attended I was the oldest mum by quite some distance, my closet friend at the group was 18 so 10 years younger.

I have friends with similar jobs to me and dh, and children similar ages to ours. Friendships that mostly developed through taking our dc to the same nurseries and schools. Most of us are educated to at least first degree level. So we are comparable in many ways. There is an age difference of about 12 years between the oldest mother and the youngest mother, and a greater in the ages of the fathers. We're bog-standard middle class.

It is blindingly obvious that all the older parents are financially more comfortable than the younger parents. That 10 years of income has made a huge difference.

I don't think that there's much difference in parental tiredness, probably because the older ones will have been able to buy in help (eg cleaners) when they needed.

Those of us who had their last babies in their early 40s found it much much tougher than their earlier babies. OTOH the younger mothers also found everything tougher and more exhausting with subsequent babies! But in this case you only know your own feelings, it's too subjective to really compare.

I had my dc1 at 33. IIRC at the time the average age of first pregnancy in an unmarried woman in a stable relationship was 29, and for a married woman was 31. And it was increasing. I was not seen in any way as unusual. Unlike my dm in the 60s, who was considered old for a married first-timer at 29. Literally - it said elderly in her notes.

@Tuesday2021. I apologise for being rude.

And yes your right it is feminism issue and I wasn’t looking at it in that way, I’m am in defence biting mode as not only for having child in what is referred to old but my daughter doesn’t want kids but feels that somehow she failing as all her cousins are in relationships having babies. It was bad enough with has she got a boyfriend. Don’t she have a boyfriend, has she tried meeting men etc etc. I past explaining & justify why not that I just bite snap now.

Still that is no excuse for me being rude, so I do sincerely apologise.

I’m not an older mum, I was mid to late 20s when my two were born. It wasn’t intentional although only a few years early.

As we’re in London I wish we’d waited because all the other mums were 35 plus and we couldn’t afford a bigger house. Plus my career wasn’t at the right point so it screwed me up especially. You may not have these issues.

Less specific, having kids doesn’t mean your life is over, but it can feel like it at times. Your relationship takes a back seat big time. You can travel but it’s a massive chore. Kids are way more work than the romantic ideal in the media or social media. You should only have them when and if you want them. Not wanting to is a valid reason. Wanting to prioritise enjoying your relationship or career is valid. I had friends who wanted to travel to x, y and z places before kids.

As a woman, especially if you become a mother, you can never do anything right. Ignore that and just do your life the way you, and your OH, want.

When you feel 'the urge' is the right time imo.

Don't do it because your friends are, don't wait because some Mums choose to establish their career first.

You have absolutely no idea what will happen in life. I waited until I got to a certain level in my profession and into a job which I could drop to pt hours.

Did that for 10 years then had to leave to become a ft carer for two of my three children who are disabled. So now I bring in carers allowance and whatever else I earn from my tiny sewing business.

I married a much younger man so in the early days we relied on me for money and now we rely on him.

Energy wise, I had dc3 at 40 and felt great, certainly no more tired than with my first at 34. The only thing I would say if if you want four, I would bear in mine that time does run out.

I didn't get pregnant until I was 34, had our Son at 35.

I wouldn't not have been ready in my 20's, It just wasn't on my radar at all, and I definitely wouldn't be the mother I am now had I done it earlier. It really doesn't matter what all your friends are doing, although it does feel like it at the time, it is what feels right for you.

Having enough money will probably not be considered as I think people can always think they need more money, security to have a child, not that you have to explain yourself to absolutely anyone, but Just not wanting them yet, is a perfectly viable answer

Yes I am at a different stage now to most my friends, but its the right stage for me, my husband and more importantly, we are in the right stage for our son, to be the best we can for him.

I'm an older mum. Had my one and only ds at 40. He was planned. I have absolutely no regrets about having him a bit later. I look back at my 20s and 30s with great joy, and wouldn't change a thing - I made the right decision entirely.

To add - none of my closest friends have had any dc, (all late 40s/early 50s now) and it hasn't changed the friendships at all. I might not be available as much, or what I'm doing with my ds might not be their thing, but it hasn't affected the actual friendships, they're just as strong.

Had my first and only at 38. I found it really hard to meet a husband-I’d been wanting to settle down since I turned 30 but it didn’t happen for quite awhile
Unfortunately by the time I felt ready to have another child (when my daughter started school) I also felt I didn’t want to give up the freedom Id finally got back and I also felt too old to have another.
DD was a terrible sleeper and this broke me so try not to leave it as late as I did!

I'm an 'older mum' who wasn't interested in having kids until much later (mid 40s!). You have to totally accept that you might not have the longer you leave it but the experience of being a mum is just the same whatever age you are. I had a lifetime of friends and family having their kids but never felt that as a pressure. Even my own mum's increasingly thinly disguised panic at the passing years! You'll know when it's right for you.

My mum had me at 38, brother at 40 and sister at 42. Dad is 3 years older. Mums parents had her young-ish I would say (mid 20s). Dads parents were older (mid 30s)

At school (private which yes matters IMO) most of my peers had parents of a similar age. I think the youngest parent had their first DC at 32/33. It wasn’t until I left school I realised people had children younger and it was alien to me in all honesty. Without being judgemental I find middle/upper class tend to have babies later in life, working classes earlier. Of course there are exceptions.

I’m 25 with a 13 month old DD (complete surprise)- I didn’t want children until at least 35 and ideally closer to 40 and any future DC won’t be happening until at least then!

I have had babies in my teens, 20s, 30s and my last in my 40s. Your first is utterly exhausting regardless of age as you are not accustomed to the sheer awfulness of sleep deprivation. I think the strength of your relationships plays a huge part in ease of parenting, I lost my parents in my 20s (they’d disowned me in my teens anyway) but I know of many Mums in their 40s who have healthy and committed grandparents (and partners) around. At the end of the day, you have to find the inner strength to simply do YOUR life, it does not matter what anyone else thinks, Find that strength and you will have the serenity to make your own parenting/non-parenting choices.

I had my first baby when I was 34. I didn't consider myself in a position to have children until I had a permanent contract in the post I wanted to achieve.

I'm extremely glad that I did that, as I have seen colleagues at a lower rung on the ladder stuck there. I am also relatively "stuck", but the difference being it's a rung that I'm happy on.

I had my second when I was 40. It's a bit later than I would have liked due to 3 years of unexplained secondary infertility, but it is what it is.

I didn't find it harder and I didn't find myself particularly special in having a baby at that age, I'd just have liked a smaller gap between my children.

Something to ponder though, you DONT HAVE TO HAVE CHILDREN. It's about 50/50 amongst my female friends, now in/approaching our 50s.

I've got to say, I've only got one friend who had a child under 30 - that maybe says something about the circles I move in, but when I was having my second and was talking to a midwife about my age, she said that the average age of a first time mother in my (relatively affluent urban area) was 34.