The exhortation to be kind reminds me of the myth busting event on GRA reform that I attended just before lockdown. After four male people explained to us why all of the criticism of GRA reform was unfounded, a number of men in the audience raised concerns about women's safety. After an off-duty police-officer (!) in the audience (who identified himself as such) hand waved these all away, saying no evidence of any problems, several women in the audience shared horrific experiences with male violence and explained why they needed female-only spaces to remain so. To which a venerable transsexual member of the panel, who bestowed upon us all a benign smile throughout, implored us all, in response to these stories, to be kind. And that all of our problems would be solved if only we remembered to be kind to each other.
It was jarring to be told to be kind. It is repulsive to be told to be kind when you have just explained that based on your experiences with male violence you oppose allowing more males into spaces that are needed to be female-only for all of our safety, dignity and privacy. It is offensive to be told to be kind when we were the ones receiving unkindness and no word could be spared to acknowledge our pain, let alone remedy it.
Because we didn't say all men. We didn't say all males who identify as trans. We talked of specific incidents with specific (albeit unnamed) individuals.
There is only one way that I now interpret a "be kind" request in response to women talking about male violence.
That the unkindness we are committing is raising the issue of male violence in the presence of males, especially in the presence of males who identify as trans. That the unkindness we are committing is prioritising our own need for safety over the wants of males. That the unkindness we are committing is insisting that we have rights, and that we are not willing to give them up.
And because of that, after a lifetime of being kind no matter what, even forgiving the men who attacked me, I now say
Fuck kind
and
Fuck everyone who tells me to be kind despite all the evidence that being kind to men in the situations we're discussing means being unkind to women and girls.
No matter how reasonable you may sound, if you tell me to be kind given what is at stake for women and girls, I consider you part of the problem.