Parenting advice in The Atlantic

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Just came across this piece on The Atlantic. A single father writes in to complain that his young daughter's friends aren't allowed to come for sleepovers when she's at his. (She lives half the time with her mother, who is still part of the same circle of friends - presumably there is no issue with the other girls staying over when she's at mum's and has some female supervision.) Dad is understandably hurt by this, but can't seem to see past his own feelings of "but I'm not a threat, I'm a Good Guy!!"

What really stunned me was that the therapist - a woman - didn't respect the boundaries these other women had set at all. Their concerns for their daughters were brushed aside as insignificant, and they were painted as, basically, "reverse-sexist" bigots who were teaching their daughters to fear men for no reason. I couldn't believe it. No acknowledgement of the very real statistical risks. No invite for him to see it from their point of view, or realize it's not all about him. No attempt to find a compromise, like taking them bowling or for ice-cream, so they can build happy memories in a public space instead. Nope. Nothing. Just "you should get your ex wife to talk to these women and guilt trip them into relaxing their boundaries".

I couldn't believe what I was reading.

www.theatlantic.com/family/archive/2020/09/dear-therapist-my-daughters-friends-arent-allowed-play-our-home/616484/

Notice that it's sleepovers in particular he's pushing for. At worst, he's a predator in disguise. At best, he doesn't care how uncomfortable these girls or their parents are - he wants the validation of being able to do everything her mother can do for her, and he won't stop til he gets it.

In the final paragraph it seems clear to me that he's considering banning his daughter from sleeping over at her friends' houses if their parents don't allow them to stay over at his. He's seriously suggesting depriving his daughter of contact with her friends because his feelings are hurt. And the so-called therapist doesn't say a thing about it!

I started off being quite sympathetic to this guy (or someone who is hypothetically in this situation, not sure how real this letter is) but the more I look at it, the more I think: "Dude, you're whining about not having little girls who are not related to you staying overnight in your house. The fact that you do not know this sounds incredibly creepy makes me think these other parents are very wise."

Three of my DC's friends were raised by single parent fathers and its never been an issue, because they act appropriately and don't give off creepy vibes.
Its really odd for all of your mates to be banned from sleepovers at your house, if this was me I'd be doing some serious self reflection.

His repeated emphasis on "sleepovers" is odd. The three letter acronym that shall not be named has taught me that many adult men have a fetish about girls having "sleepovers."

And setting aside the sleepovers, I do think it's odd that his daughter's friends are not allowed to come to the house at all. I am a much more cynical person than this therapist, I think. Because this suggests to me that there's a reason they aren't allowed to come. None of her friends, really? Not even for a few hours for a "playdate?"

I think there are some very important details missing from the story. And that woman who answered him is an idiot. And yes, you are right, the petulant outburst at the end of his letter where he implicitly threatens to isolate his daughter is quite alarming, and she skipped it completely. I'm glad she's not my therapist.

They don't say how old the daughter is, which makes a big difference, but a "standing invitation" for sleepovers is weird. As if you'd just turn up randomly at someone's house with a child and a sleeping bag. Also, what about the other child? Is he or she getting playdates?

I don't think she is a very good therapist. She clearly hasn't sat back and considered the situation properly, if she had she might have come to a similar conclusion.

Is does make me wonder about the mum though; if all my friends refused to send their children to my ex's house, I would be questioning sending our own children there..

Ridiculous. I wouldn’t let my daughter stay over at a house with a single dad, however nice he seemed. I have never known anyone to be treated inappropriately by their friends mum but I have known plenty of inappropriate dads/older brothers.

I just read that too and was equally horrified by the advice given.

My DF said I used to be very sad when friends weren't allowed to stay over at his when I was little, always followed by "completely understand though, didn't want their daughters spending the night at a strange man's house".... because he isn't a complete weirdo

I've never thought of this before but my dad brought up my 3 siblings who are older than me.
I'm sure my sister never had any friends sleep over there. Friends came over all the time but not overnight. That's just how it is and my dad would have understood that and definitely never pushed for other girls to stay over.

I thought I am a single parent (half-time) of two children following a recent divorce. My ex-wife has remained closer with the friends we had as a couple. And These children and their parents have known me for years to be a kind and generous dad. were unexamined by the “therapist”.

Was this dad actually known to the other families? Had trust been built up over years standing in the rain at the school gates, or is this a dad heard about only from the expensive gifts bestowed?
It is written very oddly, about what the dad wants. Lots of families don’t do sleepovers (space, disabilities etc.). Very strange response..

The dad does seem overly keen - making memories at his house? He needs other little girls there to do that? Also, describing himself as a nice guy.

I looked on their FB page and there are a lot of comments disagreeing with the advice, including a former child abuse investigator.

As a victim myself - and based on the fact that every single female friend has reported similar experiences - I would never allow my kids (male or female) to be left alone with an adult male. The risk is just too high.

I said no to my child sleeping over at a friend's house. The single dad in question did indeed turn out to be a scarily unsuitable host. At the time, it felt difficult saying no, particularly because he was so offended.

Well done to all those parents who say no to this man. The kind of men who get offended don't understand the issues and are therefore not the kind of men you want to leave your kid with.

Nowhere in the article does it say that the daughter herself wants these playdates and sleepovers! As far as we know, she doesn't. She wants to go to her friends' houses. It's the man bounding forward with his standing invitations and talk of forming memories. How awkward.

OK, there are few things a bit weird here - especially grouping in playdates with sleepovers - but what strikes me as the weirdest is the manner that the magazine is trying to establish a rule that sex doesn't matter when it comes to safeguarding. Actually why are they trying to write universal rules at all. The only rule in regards to safeguarding is that it is the parents choice and if you do not like it then bad luck, you set the rules for your kids and other parents do the same for theirs. He can retaliate if he wishes but cannot tell anyone else what to do.

Funny how this self entitlement is so often a male preoccupation isn't it? Children must have sleepovers with me, women must share changing rooms with me, I must be allowed to play rugby with women ... on and on it goes

Jesus christ. Can we as a society just stop putting male validation before female/child safety? Please?

Okay reason to feel sad about no sleepovers (I speak as a single parent myself) - not being able to reciprocate, and thus finding that the supply of invitations to your daughter started to dry up because friends' parents became aware that it was a one-way street.

Not okay reasons - your own personal validation, wanting to show "reverse sexism" is a thing, wanting to build "precious memories", threatening to mess up his daughter's friendship groups if he doesn't get his own way etc. More red flags than a communist May Day parade.

Ghastly man. Decent men know that (sadly) the vast majority of CSA is perpetrated by men (NAMALT, etc, but not conveniently bar-coded saying "this one's a sexual predator", so - crucially - women can't tell the difference at a glance and are rightly on their guard around any of them), and that they must not merely be above suspicion, but be seen to be above suspicion. They get it. A man who pretends he doesn't get it is suspicious for this very reason. Why is he pretending it's not an issue? What is he trying to cover up?

What really stunned me was that the therapist - a woman - didn't respect the boundaries these other women had set at all

it didn't state that the other parents were just women, could easily have been fathers objecting too.

Just asked DH how he would feel if he was the single dad and he said it would be fair enough for other parents to refuse. Most decent men would understand this. It's not "gender profiling" to want to protect your child from male predation. 1 in 5 girls will be sexually molested as children, nearly always by men. A friend of mine was raped at 3 years old by a male babysitter, it ruined her whole fucking life. Another friend was raped from ages 6-10 by her mum's boyfriend when he was supposed to be babysitting her, she has extensive mental issues and BPD. I bet they both wish their mothers had done a little more in the way of "gender profiling" (otherwise known as safeguarding).

No way would I ever let my daughter stay overnight with a pushy single dad who didn't have the empathy or maturity to understand why women are wary of men.

I have some sympathy for the father. I do know from personal experience that SAHDs in the US face a much bigger stigma and day to day sexism than in Europe. My DH was a SAHD for two years when we lived in Florida. There were parents that refused to let their children play with my children at all because that meant welcoming a man to their playgroups and so on. (Of course, there could have been some racism involved as we are not white.)

When you face such sexism every day, it’s easy to start seeing every instance of being treated differently as a SAHD versus a SAHM as sexism. I don’t think the sleepovers is sexism, but not letting the children play at his house at all, that does sound like sexism to me.

We don't know details of the divorce but it seems that long-standing friends have picked a side, with the ex wife, and she has told him and he is annoyed. There are all sorts of reasons why those friends may have chosen to continue to stay friends/ support the wife and freeze out the husband. His reaction gives a clue as to why the marriage ended and why the friends are also cutting him out.

I have no sympathy for him whatsoever. He's only recently divorced so it can't have been that long that things are going on for a start. Secondly, men who are so incensed by their own "unfair" treatment that they can't take a second to recognise that this treatment is borne of the dehumanising treatment dished out by males as a class to females are petulant children.
If he wants to get angry, he should direct his rage at the millions of men who sexually abuse children and not at the women who are reacting against it.

I can see why he feels shit about it but, it's tough isn't it? maybe there's more to it, my DS isn't allowed to go to one mate's dads house because I know that the 'good guy' on the surface dad, is a control freak with a temper who once threw the mum across the room.
If the friends have picked a side they've picked a side. We have friends getting divorced now and my DD often has a sleepover when it's just the dad in charge, I know and trust the man.

The article link is on the therapist Twitter if anyone feel like explaining to her why parents aren't willing to take the risk.