"My child is transgender" or, count the number of stereotypes...

[WeeBisom]

www.parents.com/parenting/my-transgender-child-this-is-how-i-know/

This article has to be one of the most craziest ones I've read yet. Things that are apparently 'masculine' and a sign that your girl is really a boy: finding farts funny, Pokemon, wanting to play baseball, watching wrestling, wanting short hair, zombies, Minecraft, mud, superheroes, selecting 'boy' pieces in a board game, having boy friends, wanting to wear a Transformers t shirt, Mario...

Also, can anyone with children tell me how realistic the initial conversation with the four year old child is? Do four year olds even ask what death is? And would a four year old even be able to grasp (let alone pronounce) the concept of reincarnation?

I think what makes me angry about these articles about trans kids, and their endless sea of stereotypes, is that could have been me. This child sounds a lot like me - even down to the funny interaction in the clothing store with her insisting on trying on boy's clothes. Except my mother didn't make a big deal of it and just let me wear what I liked. It's chilling that if I was a child today I could have been put down a lifelong path of medicalisation just because I liked dinosaurs and Power Rangers.

It seems like the mom was inclined to push back about the requirements of being girly to a point, though it seems not so far as to insist there are no real boys and girls colours. Though maybe her kid just insisted, it's common for them to be very inflexible at that age.

Ultimately I think she was undone by the whole idea that her child could, potentially, "really" be a boy, and the supposed expertise of the child psychologist. The 20 min consultation and diagnosis, rather than being a red flag, convinced her that it must be clear what was going on.

When my daughter was 4, she decided to be a cat at home. She took off her socks and walked around on all fours, insisted on eating from a bowl on the floor, slept curled up in a ball on her bed and answered "meow" to every question. (FYI, no we did not have a cat at that time.) I tried my best to be progressive and tolerant. I lasted about a month. Then she was invited to a classmate's birthday party and I said she could not go because the classmate was allergic to cats.
That was the last we heard about being a cat.

Pokemon is for boys?

Since when?!

I will never stop being gobsmacked that in 2020 we would rather believe that it's possible for girls to somehow actually be boys, than that it's possible for girls to be masculine. I will never get over the idea that society would rather medicate masculine girls and feminine boys, than accept them. That we would rather take the perfectly natural experience of having a personality which isn't 100% pink or blue and declare it a medical condition, than just accept children as they are. Every now and then it hits me all over again at this is happening - not just happening, but actively being celebrated as progressive - and I just cannot comprehend it.

Hard to believe that's not satire.

Or else I must be a bloke.

When I was a girl, I just wanted boy's privileges of freedom and indulgence, and loathed all the pretty simpering quiet placid nicey niceness expected of girls. Hated dresses and dolls.

And as a young teenager was appalled by the film Gigi, whose transformation was held up as some kind of ideal.

In whose interest are these appalling stereotypes perpetuated and reinforced? Church (other religions are avaliable) and commerce, basically. Not children. Not anyone who isn't exercising power or making money out of it.

[Rant to be continued when I recover my breath]

GeorgiaGirl52 Well played. That is some expert level parenting right there!

@ByGrabtharsHammerWhatASavings, when you put it like that it's so depressing. I just don't understand these people who find it easier to accept that their girl is really a boy than...she's a girl who likes boyish things. I do think the mother was more than keen to cast herself in the role of 'parent to a trans child' though. She begins musing whether she would be a good enough, supportive parent if her kid was trans, and talked about her cousin's trans child. Once you have a non-conforming child and you begin to look for evidence that they are transgender it's really easy to make that leap. And now she is the parent of a special glitter child as opposed to a bog standard tomboy.

ByGrabtharsHammer that is just how I feel. It in incomprehensible to me. We know a girl who declared herself a boy at 16, was swiftly put on cross sex hormones and not long afterwards given a double mastectomy. This is in a European country. How can it possibly be a good thing to do this ? She was too young to vote !

I like Minecraft, I enjoy watching motorsport and farts are hilarious.
DH is better at cooking and cleaning than I am.
When both my nieces and my sons were introduced to a Google dot for the first time they all asked the same question: -
Google! Do a fart!

Oh the drama and sexism from that mother . I couldn't read it all.

Minecraft awesome song

For all the adult women on here who are actually boys...

ShSpecialFriends
"She wanted to inhabit the space that boys have in our society" this is poignant and so relatable. How does your daughter see it now?

OP there is a normal developmental stage around the age of four when children reach a basic understanding of male/female and their inevitable future as a woman if a girl or man if a boy. A child knowing their own sex and that it is immutable used to be taught as a tick box to look out for in child development. Many children take a while to get it. They just need honest information from the adults around them, especially if their interests do t coincide with sexist stereotypes.

She wanted a buzz cut, the same one her friends had. My husband wanted to keep her hair longish, in a bowl cut, the last visible sign of her X chromosome

FFS, did she really write that? Assuming the kid is not put on puberty blockers then there will be plenty of evidence of her X chromosome in a few years.

It’s a truly awful, awful article. It’s everything awful about how children are being treated in one place, and I would assume it to be satire if I didn’t know better, it’s that bad. It’s just poorly written too, by which it’s adopted that American tone of “I’m going to make this moving and ethereal in tone to make it as awe-inspiring as possible”. There’s absolutely no realism or cynicism or humour at all. Mostly, there’s no self-awareness or self-analysis. Does anyone
in this person’s life point out any of the stuff people have on this thread, ever? Or is it all just “don’t ask questions, of yourself or your child”?

The worst part is, we all know this child will be on puberty blockers very soon and then there’s no going back 😔.

This is fucking grim shit.
I have a little girl who regularly performance-farts and loves Pokemon, Nintendo games, Ninjago,, dragons, hates having her hair fussed over and doesn’t care what she wears as long as it’s comfy. She knows she’s a girl and she knows the idea of “girl things” and “boy things” are bollocks because that’s what we’ve taught her. She’s happy just being a little kid.

Why do people encourage these stereotypes?

But we walked out with jeans, a Transformers shirt, a ball cap, and three pairs of boys' briefs.

And a girl can't wear a Transformers t-shirt and a cap because????? Seriously these people are insane. Jesus, just let kids wear what they want. All these rigid stereotypes, are kids not allowed to have their own unique personalities anymore? And as for pokemon being a "boy thing" 😡😡😡 Not that it matters but pokemon seems to be one of those things popular with boys and girls. Since when was minecraft a boy thing too? Have these people actually met any kids?
The minecraft thing made me think of a thread in AIBU where the OP was being mocked by her husband for being into gaming. It turned into a very interesting discussion about why people think it's "odd" for women to game. Not men though, oh no, fine for them. But there were several comments from women how women who game are "odd, nerdy and wasting their time." It's interesting and frustrating how some people have such very rigid views of interests and hobbies that they perceive to be male and female. I don't get it at all.

When my daughter was 4, she decided to be a cat at home. She took off her socks and walked around on all fours, insisted on eating from a bowl on the floor, slept curled up in a ball on her bed and answered "meow" to every question. (FYI, no we did not have a cat at that time.) I tried my best to be progressive and tolerant. I lasted about a month. Then she was invited to a classmate's birthday party and I said she could not go because the classmate was allergic to cats. That was the last we heard about being a cat.

Hah, this is brilliant. That is so funny, your daughter is awesome. 😅😅 And the way you handled it was brilliant too.

Several of my boys wanted sequin clothes when they were younger (especially those reversible sequin tops, they are very nice to play with) However most shops seem to think that only girls like sequins.

So did I tell them they can't have the clothes they wanted as they were girls clothes? No! I bought them, we talked about how silly it was that they think only girls like these things, and that it didn't matter that they were from the girls section, clothes are clothes, and as they were boys the clothes were now boys clothes, their clothes.

Same as I will buy men's clothes if I see something I like.

It's always these stupid stereotypes and the parent being horrified their child wants something that is allegedly for the other gender.

If this is the sort of resource parents are accessing, it’s not surprising that they are self diagnosing their children as transgendered.

It does try and offer some balance, but that’s mostly buried under terms and phrases such as “gender identity” and “sex assigned at birth” and “...shows extreme unhappiness at being forced to act like the sex they were assigned” and “true gender”

So you have to already believe in an innate gender, and that we assign sex.

www.wikihow.com/Determine-if-a-Child-is-Transgender

How to Determine if a Child is Transgender
Last edited December 2019
Co-authored by Eric A. Samuels, PsyD

If your child regularly goes outside of gender norms, you might wonder if they are transgender. You can listen to how your child expresses gender identities and pay attention to gender non-conforming tendencies. But be careful not to read too much into things, as many gender norms are actually stereotypes. For example, a little boy who loves to play with dolls is not necessarily transgender. In all situations, you want to help your child explore their feelings and identity. If they are transgender, offer them love, support, and resources.

1. Notice if your child has gender non-conforming tendencies.

Maybe you have seen that your female child likes to play with toys that are generally considered “male." Keep in mind that just because your daughter likes to play with trucks does not mean that she is transgender. However, if your child consistently displays a strong preference for things that don’t conform to gender expectations, it could be something to keep an eye on. [1][2] A child that is different in a few ways might just be gender non-conforming. A child who is different in a lot of ways, and shows extreme unhappiness at being forced to act like the sex they were assigned at birth, is probably transgender. Remember, most notions of gender are stereotypes. Boys are not genetically predisposed to prefer the color blue, for instance.

1. Look for signs along the way.

A child who is transgender will usually show many signs of their true gender. Their imaginary play usually suggests their gender, as well as how they want to dress and groom themselves. A child may be transgender if they show many of these signs:[3] Insisting on shopping in the girls/boys section Choosing a boy/girl name for themselves Preferring friends of the opposite sex (who have the child's desired gender) Making a fuss over haircuts Frequently pretending to be book or movie characters who share their desired gender Hating their genitals Looking up to older boys/girls and wanting to be just like them Begging for books or toys that say "for boys" or "for girls" Wanting to reincarnate as their true gender Crying over the sex they were assigned at birth[4] Being much happier when you let them do something related to the gender they want

1. Notice signs of unhappiness at being pushed into the wrong gender role.

For example, if your "son" screams and screams over a haircut because she can't bear having short hair, or if your "sister" cries when told that he can't get clothes from the boy's section, this is a sign that your child is transgender. Gender is important, so your child may feel (and act) like the world is ending if they have to pretend to be someone they are not. Notice tantrums over haircuts, clothes shopping, wearing/not wearing the color pink/blue, and other grooming decisions. It may feel like fighting your child to get them to conform to gender roles. Pay attention to arguing. For example, if you say "boys are allowed to wear dresses" and the child says "but I'm not a boy in a dress! I'm a girl!" then the child is probably transgender.[5] Look for behavior problems, depression, and poor mental health. Children who are forced into the wrong gender role may be very upset and act out. They may also internalize negative feelings, which could lead to emotional trouble years later. Luckily, transitioning can usually fix most of this problem.

1. Listen to how your child identifies.

Your child might use their words to express themselves. If your child feels strongly about their gender identify, they might say things like, “I know I’m a boy!” even if they were assigned female at birth.[6] They might also say things like, “No, I’m really a girl!” even if they were assigned male.

1. Recognize that gender develops young.

Gender usually develops around age 3, but some children start earlier, as young as 2 years or 18 months.[7][8]

1. Look for consistency.

If your child insists on being called “John” for a weekend, that’s not necessarily an indication that the child is transgender. It’s also pretty typical for young kids to go through phases of pretending to be a different gender. If your child is really consistent in insisting they are actually a different gender, though, this could be a sign that they are transgender.[9] A child who routinely insists upon their gender is very likely transgender. Transitioning can help the child's social development, focus in school, and emotional well-being, and may reduce behavior problems.[10] Some children do go through a lengthy phase of identifying with a different gender when they are young. That phase will typically end around the age of 9 or 10 years old.[citation needed]

1. Recognize that some children may not understand their gender until puberty or later.

Your child might not question their gender identity until they are a little older. Puberty is a common time for teens to begin questioning their gender identity. Changes in the body and in hormones can make your child become more aware of their body and how it makes them feel.[11] Puberty and the years after are common times for children to begin exploring. Listen to them if they begin to say that they feel they are actually the opposite gender.

1. Do a trial run, if your child is interested.

It can be really useful for your child if you allow them the freedom to really explore their gender identity. If your child thinks they are transgender, set aside a weekend or a couple of days and allow your child to “become” the opposite gender for a little while. This might mean, for example, that you call your child “Jennifer” and support their decision to wear a dress.[12] Allow your child to lead in this experiment. Don’t pressure them to try things that they don’t want to try, such as being called by a different name. Watch your child during the trial run. Do they seem happier or more confident? Are they having more fun? This can help you tell whether this is what makes your child happy.

1. Allow your child to explore their gender identity with a therapist or counselor.

Your child might not be fully comfortable discussing this with you, or you might feel like you aren’t really able to give your child the full support they need. Try finding them a counselor or therapist to work with.[13] Look for a licensed professional who has experience in working with transgender children.

There is a part 2 Understanding What Transgender Means but I’ve already posted too much blah blah stuff.

"It may feel like fighting your child to get them to conform to gender roles."

Well, errrm...maybe stop trying to get them to conform to gender roles, then?

Which as his rather confused article admits, are actually just stereotypes?!

I'm trying to imagine what the 1970s and 1980s would have been like culturally if this sexist nonsense had been a thing then.

There would have been no Bowie, no Prince, no Boy George (given he would have been Girl George in the blink of an eye), no Marilyn, no New Romantics.

All girls, the lot of them.

While the glorious Annie Lennox would have been forcibly made into a boy.

This gender stereotypes define us thing is shit.

I will never stop being gobsmacked that in 2020 we would rather believe that it's possible for girls to somehow actually be boys, than that it's possible for girls to be masculine. I will never get over the idea that society would rather medicate masculine girls and feminine boys, than accept them. That we would rather take the perfectly natural experience of having a personality which isn't 100% pink or blue and declare it a medical condition, than just accept children as they are. Every now and then it hits me all over again at this is happening - not just happening, but actively being celebrated as progressive - and I just cannot comprehend it.

Me too. I just find it extraordinary. I can't understand it.

Also this mother remembered she'd been the same as a child. Why did she not use that memory to inform her understanding of her own child?

That recommendation to give the imaginary games of tiny children this much focus and weight terrifies me. In a lifetime spent in education, I've known literally tens of thousands of children. Latterly, I spent and still spend time with KS1 children aged 5 and 6. In a single day spent gathering 'pupil voice' evidence from little groups of children, two children confided their 'true' identities to me. (I wasn't asking - I was actually interested in what they were learning and how their teachers were helping them!)

One boy told me he was really a tiger. One little girl came out as a fairy.