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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

Just for a second I really hated my husband.

92 replies

Mammatino · 12/08/2020 14:21

I bloody did. We were having a drink yesterday afternoon in the garden talking about the things we missed about living in London. One of the things he said he missed was just sitting in a pavement bar on his own with a pint and a paper listening to the snippets of life And the diversity happening around him...and I hated him. (Well probably not hate just searing jealousy)I’ve never ever felt safe enough to do that, certainly as a young woman, some man would have sat with me to save me from embarrassment Then got angry with me because I didn’t want his company. Or wanted to feel me up for his poxy half of lager. Before my thirtieth birthday I had a bucket list and on it was to dine alone. I tried it once, it was excruciating. I don’t know what I’m trying to say here really but it makes me so sad for young girls and women that they can’t just watch life going by on their own. I’d love to have a lovely cafe bar just for women and girls to come and do just that. What Small thing do you wish you could have done if you were a man? Do you think it will ever change? Or has it changed and I've just missed the boat.

OP posts:
nocoolnamesleft · 12/08/2020 19:14

I have found the advent of kindles to be a godsend for eating out/having a drink alone. I may be reading, I may be watching the world go by, but looking like I'm reading definitely drops the likelihood of unwanted intrusion. Getting older and fatter probably helps, too...

fascinated · 12/08/2020 19:32

To be fair, our Krav Maga instructor was ex army and tough as, but he said that even he tales the view that the best self defence is not to be there in the first place, so he is always situationally aware and does not go down dark streets etc

fascinated · 12/08/2020 19:33

*Takes the view

Really must proofread better

RadandMad · 12/08/2020 19:35

Going to the cinema alone has always been one of my great pleasures in life. I've always been astonished at how many women have said they wouldn't do this. Always done lots of things alone, and only the odd bit of hassle from men. If you completely ignore them, they usually get the message.

RadandMad · 12/08/2020 19:38

@Time40

I don’t walk in the countryside alone, and it kills me that I can’t

Just do it. The chances of anything bad happening are incredibly small. I've been walking alone, including walking late at night, for my entire life. I've had one bad incident in over forty years - and even then, I wasn't actually touched or hurt. I honestly think many women allow fear to restrict their lives.

100% agree. Fear is the mind killer.
tankflybos · 12/08/2020 19:40

Do you want to do it now OP? With social distancing and pre-booking tables it might be a great time to start.

Choose somewhere nice, country pub, wine bar, cafe whatever you fancy. Book a table, take a book or a magazine and your phone and just relax. Honestly, it's a really "normal" thing to do. Nobody would bat an eyelid.

tankflybos · 12/08/2020 19:41

In fact, to "punish" DH for all his carefree pub stops I'd make him drop me off and pick me up several wines hours later Grin

MrDarcysMa · 12/08/2020 19:53

I've never experienced this or felt like this op. Sad for you that you feel this way

MrDarcysMa · 12/08/2020 19:55

I don't mean to sound unkind but this doesn't seem like a rational fear and it's stopping you living a happy life. Is there anyone who you can talk to about this to her help? You shouldn't have to live like this

DidoLamenting · 12/08/2020 20:04

Going to the cinema alone has always been one of my great pleasures in life. I've always been astonished at how many women have said they wouldn't do this

I prefer going to concerts, gigs, opera etc on my own. I can concentrate on the experience without having to worry if my companion is enjoying it and/or having to discuss the performance with them.

I absolutely refuse to waste the price of a ticket just so my husband can come with me if it's not something he will enjoy. For example even regional opera companies can be £60- £80 per ticket and he isn't a fan .

DidoLamenting · 12/08/2020 20:10

@Mammatino

I’m really happy reading this. My dining alone experience was excruciating for me (over dramatic sorry), because I hadn’t even ordered before I’d had a drink sent over to me. I said I was fine but thank you very much. The sender came over and called me an ungrateful stuck up bitch, shock horror everyone looked at me and I just felt so judged by a bunch of bloody strangers. I ordered a burger and it was massive so I had to cut it in half with a knife and fork so they started laughing at “lady muck”. I just sort of sidled out. I’m from a pit village in yorkshire, my parents are working class grafters but my grandma was a bit posher I suppose...well she got the silver out for the doctors wife.
I can't work out which restaurant in Dean Street that might be but the restaurant manager should have stepped in to stop that

thb I would have complained to the bar staff for even serving the drink in the first place and definitely about what happened later.

fascinated · 12/08/2020 20:10

This reply has been deleted

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fascinated · 12/08/2020 20:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AsTreesWalking · 12/08/2020 20:41

Mammatino what absolutely horrid people! I'm sorry you had that experience, how dare they spoil your meal like that!
I do wonder if it's got worse? A general expectation that anyone young or youngish is just up for it all the time? (So tempted to say 'in permanent kemmer' - reading The Left Hand of Darkness)
My best ever holiday was a week walking alone in the Peak District, and I encountered nothing but kindness and friendliness. (It was 1988 and I was 23)
I'm fortunate not to be shy, I've always talked to anyone - even on the tube!

Mammatino · 12/08/2020 20:49

This was about 13 years ago. I just left. I didn’t complain, ridiculous now but I just never did it again. I think because it was my experience I just assumed it happened all the time. I’m bloody glad it doesn’t. I’m not particularly passive but I think perhaps I’ve been a bit conditioned to be nice, instead of just saying oh do fuck off.

OP posts:
IAmOptimusPrime · 12/08/2020 21:37

I can completely relate to your Dean Street experience and I think eating alone can be quite intimidating, as can men like the ones you experienced. Just because others haven’t experienced it doesn’t mean you haven’t had a horrible experience that’s knocked your confidence.

But maybe it is time to reset that memory and challenge it? Some places are certainly worse than others to go to alone, I know there are pubs where I live that I’d never drink or eat alone in because it wouldn’t be very nice and it would be intimidating.

Quillink · 12/08/2020 21:50

I'm not surprised that it put you off OP. What a horrible experience. Don't feel ashamed. Your natural reaction to that experience is totally valid.

I eat alone all the time now but didn't as a young woman because I hated being stared at by men. One of the pleasures of aging is becoming invisible. I love it.

I'd love to be able to jog alone, especially at night, like my husband. Sadly it is not safe for women to do that where we live.

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