Surrogacy for a family member - a moral dilemma

[WelliesandBrollies]

I’m considering offering to be a surrogate for my brother and his wife. I’d really like some input from my fellow feminists as I’m a regular poster on this board and and generally very critical of surrogacy.

My brother and his wife have been trying to have a baby for around 10 years now. They have had at least 10 rounds of IVF (I’m not too sure of the details, we used to talk about it a lot as I too went through IVF but my rounds were successful and I now have 2 children, that must have been heartbreaking for them). They can’t adopt as they currently live abroad for my brother’s work, so moving back would mean removing their adopted child from their country of birth and distancing the baby from their birth family. They have therefore decided to go down the surrogacy route.

I have tried to keep my opinions on exploiting a woman for her uterus to myself. I’ve spoken to my mum about it at length but while usually in agreement with me on these issues, she is blinded by her desire for her son to be happy. The solution I’ve come up with to volunteer myself. I’d be doing something incredible for my brother who I love really deeply, and no vulnerable women would be exploited. My husband has pointed out that I would be exploited, though, for my kindness and my morality.

I want to make it clear that nobody has actually even vaguely suggested that I be the surrogate, I’ve mentioned it to my mum and she said “absolutely not” And we haven’t talked about it since. I just can’t bear the thought of a poor foreign woman being exploited so my brother can have a family. But I can see the sadness in his eyes every time we speak at not being a father.

Any friends I’ve mentioned it too say I’m so brave and stunning but I just feel like it’s so much more complex than that. I don’t feel like I’m being 100% altruistic in my offer, I’m just as concerned about the potential surrogate they would use if it weren’t for me as I am about their happiness.

I don’t really know what I want from this thread. Advice/guidance/opinions?

Thank you all in advance

there was no IVF or donated egg or sperm - she had a baby with her husband in order to give it to her sister

Does anyone else find this idea absolutely incredible? How can anyone do this? How could anyone "accept" a baby in this way? I feel quite sick at the idea of me and dh purposely having a child and just handing it over to someone.
Did the donating couple have other kids?

Unless you are giving them your eggs (which makes you the child's mom and that is unbelievably unfair to the baby, to you, your children, you husband...and not genetically smart if matched with you brother's sperm), there's still the issue of the egg donor which is also exploitative of a woman. If it's your SIL's egg, imagine if the first round didn't take? Does she want you to keep trying? How is that ok on your body? I'm so sorry. I'm sure they are devastated but this isn't something you can really fix.

@DeRigueurMortis I too have changed my mind about family surrogacy - especially because it's not just an arrangement between siblings- there's an in-law as well, who has different loyalties. And the baby as a gift is wrong. Babies are humans who shouldn't lose their birth parents unless there are real reasons (death, severe disability, abuse, inability to parent). Then the adoptive parents are helping the child by being willing to parent, not the other way around.

@SnuggyBuggy this was a really heartbreaking entry, "Week 22
As we are leaving for school, my daughter turns to me and says: "You wouldn't give me away, would you?" I have been waiting for this question. I tell her "no", but it underlines the fact that, while the decision to offer myself as a surrogate was mine, the effect is on the whole family."

In the case SnuggyBuggy posted the SiL became very jealous - I think this is a theme, perhaps a bit like women getting jealous of the nanny when the child wants to go to the nanny rather than it's mother.
Also the grandmother was furious when she found out and worked hard to keep the family together and prevent a fall out. I think altruistic surrogacy within families and close friends is fraught with risk and difficulty.

In that Guardian diary, the SIL already has two kids from a previous marriage!

It is sad and unfair that some people can’t have children, particularly those who deeply want to, but that is maybe something we (society, not you or your family specifically) should address. We should be more accepting of childless adults and not treat them as a tragedy or failure, and we should be more okay with not always getting what we want out of life.

THIS

I read somewhere, I think on here, someone saying that with infertility and surrogacy, why is the "solution" always a woman putting herself at risk, rather than the couple making peace with the fact they can't get what they want.

(That sounds insensitive to People struggling with infertility, but it's not intended that way)

It was a bit of a lightbulb moment for me.

If they are moving to the UK could they not try to adopt here?

It will be so incredibly difficult to hand over a newborn baby, grown in your womb for 9 months. You have the hormones bonding you and helping you love that baby before you even see it.
The baby is bonded to you. It knows your heartbeat and your smell.
It will most likely be so so traumatic for you and the child. You will see this child grow up and may find that adds to the difficulty.

Not only that bit you put yourself at risk of birth trauma or injury for a child that is not yours

So much thoughtful advice already on this thread.

I absolutely agree that setting out to create a baby that will be taken from it’s mother, from the only person it knows, is always wrong. Doesn’t matter how altruistic they surrogate, doesn’t matter how lovely the intended parents, it’s wrong because it’s wrong for the baby. Taking a baby from it’s mother should only ever happen when it’s necessary to ensure the safety and well baby of the baby, and even then there needs to be a regulated and overseen procedure.

One thing that the perhaps hasn’t already been mentioned is the well-being of your own children and your relationship with your partner. Pregnancy can be brutal and many loving relationships can become strained, and that’s when the unborn baby is related to the mother and father and desperately wanted by both. Don’t underestimate the damage that another pregnancy could do to your family situation, your health and your career, all to make a baby that you will give away.
It has the potential to proper fuck with your own kids heads too - I’ve heard that some children have to process it similarly to if their sibling was lost via still birth or cot death. They bond with the baby inside their mum, feel the kicks when having cuddles etc.

(I would totally give my sister a kidney, btw, but I wouldn’t even consider giving her a baby - my children might well be worried about me having the harvesting op, but they aren’t going to feel bereaved about mum’s kidney and it’s not got nearly the potential to fuck with my family’s emotions for years to come. Plus my kidney isn’t going to come to me in a couple of decades time and ask why I gave it away!)

I would start by asking yourself why you would grow and birth a tiny human and subject it to the trauma of removal from its mother?

This. Also, what if you died or had life-changing birth injuries?

I would do this for my sisters and they would do it for me. Or would have done when we were of an age to be useful. That would have been out of love. But it sounds more as you would do it to prevent a commercial surrogacy situation which is a very different motivation and not necessarily a good one in this situation.

Christ no. You would only do this if you were desperate to do so not because you are desperate for someone else not to do so. It would be bonkers as you describe. I have seen altruistic surrogacy work well but this would never be the starting point if such an outcome.

All surrogacy is wrong. I find it odd that the rights of the child are paramount at other times e.g. in custody disputes, but as an infant surely your main right and only wish is to have your mother. It’s just so so sad.
Please think of your children first, childbirth is a dangerous business. I’m a bit cross that it’s you and your families risk vs your brother changing his job or lifestyle or rethinking the oddness that is not wanting to take the child away from the country but ok with taking from the mother!

Bishopgiggles, you asked about the situation I knew of. Yes, the sister and her husband both agreed to gift the baby to her sister. They all lived close to each other, and there was no attempt to hide the fact the bio parents were who they were.

It’s bizarre. I do wonder if the pregnancy was unplanned and this was seen as a solution during the pregnancy. I don’t think the surrogacy was planned.

It's very odd. How do the legalities of that work? Surely it must be treated as adoption albeit within the family. What if they didn't pass muster? Is a child even allowed to stay in a family where there was a plan to give them to other family members?

And fro the point of view of conceiving and going through pregnancy I can't imagine it at all. Having gone through planned pregnancy and birth of much wanted babies, to do the same thing again but not want it must be very strange and the existing children must be very confused and wonder why the parents don't want to keep this one.

The whole thing sounds bonkers. I don't think you are seriously considering this.

I know someone who did it for their sister. It has worked out well.
However you have 2 children, what would you do if you died or became disabled in the process.
What if the child is disabled. Would they still want it.
You need to work out every avenue.

I’m sure I read a link on here one about someone who was a surrogate for friends and she was left doubly incontinent and they dumped her.

It is very sad for your brother and his wife. It is not your responsibility to provide them with a child.

I strongly disagree with surrogacy - in every case if there is not emotional blackmail involved then there is financial blackmail.

"One sister had a baby for the other sister. There were no secrets - everyone knew and the 'donated' son grew up knowing who his bio parents were (there was no IVF or donated egg or sperm - she had a baby with her husband in order to give it to her sister)."

That's not surrogacy, that's adoption.

I am opposed to surrogacy but the only people I would have been surrogates for are my sibs and only if their gametes and the baby was told Id been a surrogate. To me this is different from stranger surrogacy because I would always be the babies aunt

I do agree though that if 10 rounds of IVF haven't helped surrogacy is unlikely to help. The only situation where I could have seen myself being a surrogate would be if my sister had needed a hysterectomy for some reason. Them choosing to live abroad makes it more complex too for all the joint appointments

I’m stuck on the fact that they won’t adopt because of your brother’s work. They don’t want a child that badly then do they, if he won’t change his work arrangements, settle permanently and adopt.

When you boile it all down, here you have a man who is not prepaired to make the necessary changes to his own life in order to have a child, he just expects the world to provide him with a child on his terms.

I wouldn’t even consider it OP. I wouldn’t consider being a surrogate anyways but even if I would, it would not be fore someone who puts their work and money first.

I am very much of the oppinion that although it’s heartbreaking for people who wants kids but for whatever reason can’t have them, that is life and they have to deal with it.

she had a baby with her husband in order to give it to her sister

Illegal under UK law. One IP must provide a gamete. If this had been checked (and they do) it's hard to see a PO being approved.