Surrogacy for a family member - a moral dilemma

[WelliesandBrollies]

I’m considering offering to be a surrogate for my brother and his wife. I’d really like some input from my fellow feminists as I’m a regular poster on this board and and generally very critical of surrogacy.

My brother and his wife have been trying to have a baby for around 10 years now. They have had at least 10 rounds of IVF (I’m not too sure of the details, we used to talk about it a lot as I too went through IVF but my rounds were successful and I now have 2 children, that must have been heartbreaking for them). They can’t adopt as they currently live abroad for my brother’s work, so moving back would mean removing their adopted child from their country of birth and distancing the baby from their birth family. They have therefore decided to go down the surrogacy route.

I have tried to keep my opinions on exploiting a woman for her uterus to myself. I’ve spoken to my mum about it at length but while usually in agreement with me on these issues, she is blinded by her desire for her son to be happy. The solution I’ve come up with to volunteer myself. I’d be doing something incredible for my brother who I love really deeply, and no vulnerable women would be exploited. My husband has pointed out that I would be exploited, though, for my kindness and my morality.

I want to make it clear that nobody has actually even vaguely suggested that I be the surrogate, I’ve mentioned it to my mum and she said “absolutely not” And we haven’t talked about it since. I just can’t bear the thought of a poor foreign woman being exploited so my brother can have a family. But I can see the sadness in his eyes every time we speak at not being a father.

Any friends I’ve mentioned it too say I’m so brave and stunning but I just feel like it’s so much more complex than that. I don’t feel like I’m being 100% altruistic in my offer, I’m just as concerned about the potential surrogate they would use if it weren’t for me as I am about their happiness.

I don’t really know what I want from this thread. Advice/guidance/opinions?

Thank you all in advance

@MadamBatty

ivfdreaming there’s also the turkey baster doh

With OP's own egg?!

for myself I couldn't carry a child for 9 months and then give it away. how will you feel?

Thank you everybody. I’m reading all your comments and taking it all in.

@MadamBatty have you worked out that it's her BROTHER?

So they live in the country their adopted child was born in but they want a biological child? Or they just want a second child but can't adopt in that country again?

bishop giggles doh, apologies

@MadamBatty Think about it...

I'm not an expert. But I thought that people who needed IVF to conceive would be high risk pregnancies, therefore a poor choice of surrogate. (As in for your own and the foetus's health).
I loved being pregnant with my children. I'm not sure that pregnancy with essentially someone elses children would carry the same joy.

You matter.

You matter as much as any woman, anywhere.
Is there such a difference between exploiting a woman's body because she is poor, and exploiting a woman's body because of her love and her belief she must self-sacrifice?

I am of the opinion that the woman who creates a baby with her body, is the mother, the only mother. She isn't 'carrying'. That's a euphemism. She's making that child with her body like every other mother does. Making it. Not 'carrying' it. Her body, her baby.

I have come to the conclusion that fertility medicine should only treat the woman as the person, the patient who matters.
Medicine should assist in creating a pregnancy for only the benefit of that patient, that woman.
What is currently happening, in that a woman is made into a patient and placed at substantial health risk purely as a vehicle to aid third parties?
That should be outlawed.
This is HER body and her pregnancy.

Who is the patient?
What is in her best health interests?

This is where we should be.

@Love51

I'm not an expert. But I thought that people who needed IVF to conceive would be high risk pregnancies, therefore a poor choice of surrogate. (As in for your own and the foetus's health). I loved being pregnant with my children. I'm not sure that pregnancy with essentially someone elses children would carry the same joy.

This isn't always the case. In many cases the risk is exactly the same as a "normal" pregnancy. It depends on the reason the ivf was needed.

Sorry I didn’t make it clear. They feel it wouldn’t be right to adopt a child in the country they live in as my brother could be moved away for work again (back home or elsewhere) and that would entail removing the child from their home country. They don’t feel this about surrogacy as they still have some embryos stored so it would be genetically their child.

@MadamBatty

ivfdreaming there’s also the turkey baster doh

Um are you actually suggesting she uses her own eggs with her brothers sperm? That’s not going to happen.

In these circumstances I think if you are willing it is an amazing thing to do. It's not exploitation if it's done for love.

However there's no guarantee of success and you should agree in advance how many attempts etc. As (I'm guessing) you have small children, it's also essential every circumstance is planned for including a substantial life assurance policy, it's incredibly rare but you need to ensure even that is covered.

I did consider this for my own brother though it would have also been my biological child (his then partner would have been the biological father) however their relationship soured at that point breaking up a year later.

I think even though it's family, you need legal advice etc

No- for all the no reasons already given.

I suspect your mother is not thrilled with the idea of surrogacy, but by using a woman from another country, it’s out of sight, out of mind.

This is exactly what I was going to say. She knows how risky and arduous pregnancy is, but can put it out of her mind as long as it's not in front of her.

I think you need to go over the worst outcomes here, how you would feel if things went terribly wrong

I don’t really understand the country argument against adoption. A child who is genetically say... Lithuanian? is just as able to leave the country of their birth as is your brother and SIL.

@Love51

I'm not an expert. But I thought that people who needed IVF to conceive would be high risk pregnancies, therefore a poor choice of surrogate. (As in for your own and the foetus's health). I loved being pregnant with my children. I'm not sure that pregnancy with essentially someone elses children would carry the same joy.

In my case it was a male issue so we just needed help with fertilisation, the embryos implanted easily and I had very low risk pregnancies including a planned home birth (which ended up in hospital because I was lost dates but that’s it).

Nonononono I don't think it would be endurable to look at your own child being raised by someone else. A child that you gave birth to, being disciplinedor not disciplinedand you had no control over it. I think it would raise all kinds of issues that would make your family life difficult and contentious.

@MadamBatty

ivfdreaming there’s also the turkey baster doh

What the what now? They are SIBLINGS

I would just say this:

1. You are not responsible for your brother's choices and it is not up to you to stop him doing something that you consider to be immoral. Nor are you responsible for his happiness or sadness.
2. You are not personally responsible for preventing the exploitation of other women the world over (much less by offering your body up in their place to do something you consider to be exploitative generally);
3. You are 50% responsible for your relationship with your husband and need to take his feelings into account as your partner;
4. You are absolutely, directly, responsible for your two children, their well-being. Are their needs served by you carrying a baby for your brother and all the risks that entails (normal pregnancy risk, heightened risks involved in surrogacy, emotional consequences and potentially family issues)? What risks are you taking on their behalf for the sake of your brother and do you feel they are justified?

If you still want to do it, there are going to have to be lots of advance discussions about 'what happens if' in terms of the pregnancy (eg. what to do in the case of genetic abnormalities, scenarios in which your health is compromised, multiple embryos etc) as well as afterwards (Breastfeeding? Fourth trimester? What role will you play longer term? What if there's a family falling out?)

Your reasons for doing this really don't convince me that this wouldn't be a disaster, I'm afraid.

@OneEpisode

I don’t really understand the country argument against adoption. A child who is genetically say... Lithuanian? is just as able to leave the country of their birth as is your brother and SIL.

I think a lot of adoptions these days are semi-open, and the child would still have contact with their genetic grandparents for example. It is a strange one, considering they live in a country neither of them we’re born in. I do wonder if it’s an excuse.

You are asking on this board because you have doubts. That alone is reason not to.

Pregnancies are higher risk with donor eggs.

I think the emotional impact of failed ivf or miscarriage or anything that doesn’t go well will be enormously complicated if you are their surrogate.

If they live abroad how does that impact the legal process?

Can UK residents be altruistic surrogates for non- UK residents? Does it impact on accessing NHS services?

It’s a lot to consider.

I think you’ve all spelled it out to me very clearly, thank you. I think I find their situation all the more heartbreaking because we essentially went through fertility treatment together and it worked for us and didn’t for them. But you’ve also raised some very important questions I hadn’t considered, like what happens after the baby is born regarding how it’s raised, fed, disciplined. And I’ve just had another terrifying thought... what if my brother and SIL split up for some reason and she just takes away this child I carried for 9 months and never lets me see them again? I think I’d only ever pictured a happy families scenario where I get to have a relationship with this child.

Echoing what others have said. Don't put yourself and your family at risk.

What advice would you give to another woman with doubts, who you suspected was sacrificing herself to spare another woman?

Another poster said that it's not exploitation if it's love.
I disagree so much with that.

I would never allow my children to risk their lives to furnish my desires. They are the people I love most in the world. If they wanted to undertake risk on my behalf, which I would understand as a sentiment, my love for them would prevent me from being a beneficiary, prevent me from allowing such a transaction. I would never benefit from their pain, risk or loss.

Could YOU ask another person to be used, and risk their life and health for you, if you really loved them?
Would you put another woman through that if you truly cared about them?
If a woman died or was permanently damaged in the course of such an arrangement, would you be ok with that?

How much risk should we expect others to endure on our behalf?
What degree of your risk or pain would your brother accept for his own benefit?